Disclaimer: Ah hell. You still want one? Fine, fine. I am not Janet Evanovich. I am not making money on this. And don't even think about trying to sue me. I'm a college kid with a research paper, pms, and feuding friends. My sanity wouldn't stand up in court. In fact, now that you mention it, I wouldn't stand up in court. I'm a strawberry daiquiri cleverly disguising itself as a human.

Note: Thanks to everyone who has stuck it out this far. I thought I wouldn't get anything out for a week or two but lookit! I had it sitting in the computer already, except for parts of it, which I kicked and beat out of my imagination until they were almost presentable.

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Chapter 14 - Call for Help

The woods were quiet, except for the sounds of the wind rustling the leaves or the occasional song from whatever birds were around. I really wished I had paid more attention back in my girl scout days- maybe I could have figured out where we were from the species of trees or birds or something. As it was we picked our way through the underbrush slowly, hampered by the increasing darkness as the sun slowly set.

We were all three sporting massive bruises and a variety of cuts from the car wreck; adding in the host of scratches and the splashing of mud from our escape through the woods, we looked like Bosnian refugees. Lula and I were supporting Haley between us, and other than Lula's muttered cursing of the mud, the evil grannies, and her Via Spigas, we weren't much for talking. Her lime green outfit was becoming a bit less blinding from the amount of mud and muck smeared over it. Blood too, but I was pretty sure most of that was Haley's.

I looked at my baby cousin and felt the panic rising up again. Haley was too pale, and the bandage we had made from the lurid flowered sheet didn't help her complexion any. I was pretty sure her top had once been a light blue. It was now reduced to various shades of dirt and blood. Her hair was a matted ball of frizz, and since we have the same hair I was thankful I didn't have a mirror. Just the look of my jeans and shirt told me I looked as rough as the other two.

I was a little surprised none of us had gone into shock, but then I didn't think we had that luxury. Maybe once we stopped and actually thought about what had happened- right now we had to keep moving or the little old ladies with guns and tranquilizers were going to find us.

We were trying to maintain a course parallel to the road, but out of sight from it. That sounds a lot easier than it is, because to be sure they can't see you, you can't see them. Periodically I would leave Haley and Lula to try and scout for the road. We'd almost lost it once already when the road had turned while we weren't looking.

I wasn't sure how far we'd made it, but I was sure it wasn't far enough. We hadn't spoken much since we set off into the woods, it was taking too much energy to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, but there was a major problem confronting us: what were we going to do when it got too dark to see?

The sun was sinking too damn fast, and the woods were thick enough that it was a little gloomy during the day. I was beginning to think we weren't in just any woods, either. We were either in the back end of nowhere or a national park.

"I'd sell my soul for a cell phone right now." I sighed to the world in general, looking up into the canopy of trees above to give the powers that be an added hint.

"With service," Lula added. "Don't forget with service. And maybe a McDonald's too."

"Don't mention food please." Haley's voice was barely louder than a whisper, probably as loud as she could manage. Her steps faltered and she whimpered as she bumped into Lula. "Can we stop? Just for a little while? I need to catch my breath."

I looked at her again. She was breathing heavily, like we'd been running. That worried me. I looked at Lula for her opinion.

"Yeah. A few minutes couldn't hurt. We ain't heard them psychos this whole time. Maybe they gave up."

Right. Maybe. Except that I knew my luck. My luck was never that good. Unfortunately, from the looks of Haley we couldn't really keep going on right now. And it was getting too dark to see anyway.

"Fine," I said, and we set about finding somewhere moderately comfortable to sit down. It took a while, and we looked more like the little old ladies chasing us than any young, spry, under-fifty-year-olds, but we managed to ease our beaten bodies into sitting positions. Haley elected to lay flat on the ground because she said it made breathing easier. I bit my lip at that one, because I was pretty sure she was hurt badly, and we had neither the know-how, nor the equipment to do anything for her.

"Hey!" she grumbled, interrupting the fine lather of panic I was working myself into. "There's something lumpy…"

"You're on the ground, in the middle of a forest. It ain't gonna be the Hilton," Lula grumbled.

"No, I mean…" she sat up a little, propping herself up on one elbow while she rifled through her cargo pockets with her free hand. "Oh my god! My cell phone!" she chirped, pulling out a small bit of plastic that looked more like a toy candy dispenser than an actual working device.

"Holy shit!" I moved faster than I thought possible to get closer and inspect the treasure.

"I'll be damned," Lula breathed. "Looks like they was listenin' after all… you got service, too?" she asked.

We were all staring at the phone like it had traveled a direct line from god's headset. Haley pressed the power button with a reverence normally seen only in movies about the Holy Grail.

"Yeah," she said wonderingly. "I forgot the guys made me take a satellite phone. I'm tripling their Christmas presents…"As if sealing the deal the phone sang out a happy little ditty. "Thirteen voicemails?"

"Fuck the voice mail," Lula looked ready to grab the phone herself. "Call Batman."

"Hold on… I'm looking… Cyclops, Beast, Gambit, Daredevil…"

"What's with you white girls and the super heroes? That a phone or a direct line to the X-Men?" Lula's eyebrows were somewhere by her hairline. I had to agree.

"I didn't make 'em all up. They're guys. They all have nicknames… Wolf, Puck, Iceman, Goliath… hah! Batman!" She punched a button and held the phone out to me.

I took it, a moment before everything registered with me. "You have Ranger's number?" I asked in disbelief, holding the phone to my ear nervously. I was afraid it wouldn't go through, or I'd turn it wrong and lose the signal.

"Duh." Haley said and lowered herself back to the ground.

I couldn't ask anything more because Ranger picked up on the first ring.

"Yo."

I choked back a sob of relief. I never thought I'd be that glad to hear his voice. "Yo yourself," I said as evenly as I could.

"Babe? Are you okay?"

Geez Ranger, start with the hard questions… "Not really." I paused, trying to sort out the story in my head. "We had an accident. The Firebird's gone, and we were trying to get help when the old ladies came and they stunned us. Now we're out in the middle of some forest and there's no one here."

"Stephanie," Ranger's voice was calm, slow, the kind he used when he thought I was going into panic mode. "Are any of you hurt?"

"Haley," I answered quickly, just knowing somehow the gods of cellular were going to pull the plug and whatever satellite was up there was probably about to fall out of orbit or get kidnapped by space age grannies. "We can't go much further, she can't breathe, we're in the woods! Lula's in Via Spigas for chrissake, and we're running from grandmas with guns! "

"Grandmas?"

"Haley's great aunts. They were there. And so is my skip, the old lady one. Agnes. I think she hit us in the Oldsmobile…"

"We got a lock on your signal," he interrupted. "Just stay there. You need to-"

"We've got you, my pretties!" a high pitched voice cackled. A bright light flashed me right in the eyes and I ducked my head to escape it just as the gunfire broke out. I doubled over and rolled into a nearby bush, conveniently situated at the foot of the tree.