Disclaimer: This series and its characters don't belong to me, but they're fun to play with. Janet Evanovich created them, and she can have them back when I'm through. Oh yeah, and I'm not making any money off this.

Note: Thanks to everyone for all the helpful feedback, the reviews, the support, etc. It's all greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading!

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Chapter 15 - The Big Bad Grannies and Wolf in Boots

I really should learn to listen to that niggling premonition of doom. Until then I guess I'm going to have to do what I'm learning to do best: duck, cover, and run like hell. Only one problem with that strategy just now: I'm in no condition to run like anything.

"Really, Agnes. Enough melodrama!" Hattie sniped.

"Oh, pish. Just because you have no sense of the theatrical! Besides, gang killings are always theatrical! We need some sort of ceremonial element."

"Just shut up both of you and find them," Mrs. McPherson's voice sounded strained. I wondered if her eye was twitching.

"I already got the Negro!" I heard the sick triumph in Hattie's voice. "If you two could have aimed right…" Oh, god. Lula… I was going to be sick.

"We did aim right. We didn't have long enough to shoot! We could have used some more light, you know."

"Quiet!" this voice was overpoweringly male: deep and gruff, with a pronounced Southern drawl. Still, it was an impressive kind of voice, it made me think of danger, like it was from a bad guy in some old western. In other words, the Grannies were in league with the Big Bad Wolf. "You keep talking and they'll be able to hide better. Listen for once in your lives."

"Well I nev-" Apparently someone clapped something over Hattie's mouth to keep her quiet. I curled myself tighter and pressed my back against the tree.

"Now," the guy said quietly. "They didn't run… they're around here somewhere. Baby's too hurt to get out of here… and the other one's not much better. Check the bushes." The noise and clatter began almost immediately. They were rustling the bushes, slapping at them with the guns.

They were moving closer. A few feet in front of me, whoever it was stopped. I caught a glimpse of muddy Dr. Scholls loafers as the person picked up something beyond my reach. The unmistakable button tones, a green light as a LCD lit up. Fuck. The phone! I bit my lip and forced myself to stay still. I could take the old biddy if I knew where the other ones were. If I knew they didn't have a clear shot at me…

But I didn't know either of those things. So, jump out and get shot or see if they came any closer? I held myself in place, barely moving, trying to keep myself from even breathing too loudly.

"What is it, Auntie?" The man asked.

"One of those newfangled toys," Agnes's scratchy voice actually did sound like the Wicked Witch of the West. Creepy. "Here, see what it's about then." There was the sound of heavy footsteps and a large pair of snakeskin leather cowboy boots appeared to my left.

"Looks like Baby called her hero…" His voice was quiet and mocking. It made me want to knock him over the head with something heavy. "Come on out, Haley Jane!" He yelled loudly. "You know they can't help you now. No one can, just come on out and we'll make it quick!"

The biddies were beating the bushes again, but they were moving away from my position. I peeked back out, into the blackness of the forest. I saw their flashlights retreating, but couldn't tell where Haley had disappeared to or even where Lula was.

"Stupid Negro, I just wish I could have-" Hattie broke off in a startled scream

"You stupid granny. I just wish I could wring yo' stupid neck!" Lula's triumphant yell echoed off the trees. I peered out of the bush to see what was going on. Lula and Hattie were silhouetted at the edge of the clearing, scuffling over the gun. Of course Lula was winning, she had more bulk, more strength, and she was mad. "Just 'cause someone be bloody don't mean you hit 'em dummy!" I heard a couple more shot gun blasts, and tried not to throw up.

The other ones were running back to help Hattie, so I stayed still- they had to run right past me. Wolf-In-Boots ran by first, then the muddy Dr. Sholl's. My target had arrived. I snaked my arm out into the shoes' path and was rewarded by a scream as the runner fell face first, throwing her gun away and attempting to catch herself. Unfortunately, it was dark enough that the lady following her didn't realize what was going on until it was too late, and Mrs. McPherson joined Agnes in a pile of polyester and pink velour, landing with her gun thoughtfully close to me. I grabbed it and stood up, training it down at the shrieking pair in front of me.

The other gun was on the opposite side of them, so I sidled around the duo, who were now fighting like a pair of alley cats and took control of it too. I stepped away from Agnes and Mrs. McPherson so I wouldn't get tripped up by any of their bony reaching hands. A quick look to the right revealed that Wolf-In-Boots was attempting to subdue Lula and pry her off of Hattie. My eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Get away from her!" I yelled at him. "Get away or I plug one of the hags!"

"Who you calling hag you little floozy?" Demanded one of the still-struggling duo.

"You calling me a floozy you jezebel?" The other one demanded.

"Jezebel?" There was a screech from one of them, and they continued on with the cat fight. If I were guessing, I would have said this was years of repression just boiling over, and it looked vicious.

"Don't do anything stupid, Ms. Plum," Wolf drawled.

"Go to hell, and get away from my friend!" Wolf stepped away from Lula, who held her own rifle on the still shadow I guessed to be Hattie. "Now, we have the guns, and you need to leave. Someone is coming to get us, and they'll be here in a couple minutes."

Wolf threw his head back and laughed at me. "Right. I know Haley's stupid phone book- Batman is in St. Louis. He's hours away." He grinned and started walking toward me, the cowboy boots crunching the sticks and debris on the ground into dust as he walked. "And you don't shoot people, do you, Curly Sue?"

"I have," I said. "Now keep away or I kill the grannies." I clicked the safety off and lowered the gun again, aiming back at the two fighting alley cats. Wolf stopped where he was.

"Ain't much light left," he said conversationally.

"Enough to shoot you by." He laughed again, but I ignored it.

"A million dollars. That's how much I'll give you. Just put the gun down and it's yours. You'll never have to work again, curls."

"Put the gun down and let you kill Lula? I don't think so."

"Your fat friend can live. We don't need her, she wasn't even supposed to be a part of this."

"Who you callin' fat you bony-ass cracker?" Lula growled.

"No offense, lady," Wolf said smoothly. "We could give you both a million. Think about it. Just put the guns down and run away. Tell the cops the Slayers caught you. Pretend you never saw us."

"That's a lot of money to give us just for lyin' to the cops. 'Specially when you was gonna kill us anyways," Lula snorted.

"We didn't want to," Hattie put in. "Killing is so messy. But if we just pay you, that's much easier on everyone! Isn't that right Agnes? Agnes?" Hattie struggled in the choke hold Lula had her in, but her eyes were narrowed in annoyance as she finally saw the other two. "God damn it! Agnes, Gertie! Quit acting like a couple street urchins!"

"Shut up," Lula told her.

"Gertrude! We don't have time for-" Lula tightened her grip.

"I don't wanna kill nobody's grandma, but you need to quit screeching. You're givin' me a headache."

"Why are you doing this? What is this about?" I asked Wolf, trying to keep my eyes on Agnes and Mrs. McPherson, who had rolled several feet away, still screaming and cursing one another. Damn, forget years of bitterness, those two had decades of it. They weren't even using English anymore, mainly the cursing was going on in something that sounded suspiciously like German.

"Just tell them the Slayers caught you," Wolf said with a shrug. I could barely make out his tall, hulking form now. "Say they must have thought your cousin was you."

"Haley? What do you want with her?"

"Mind your own business," screeched Hattie. "Shawn, just kill them! They won't help us get the money! Kill them!"

"I hate killin' family, Granny. And the black lady ain't done us no harm." Wolf, Shawn now, sounded regretful.

"You're going to kill Haley," I said, feeling like I'd stumbled into a bad Lifetime movie.

"It's the only way we get the farm!" this came from Agnes, who was sitting up now. Mrs. McPherson wasn't moving. "Is she dead?" I asked Agnes. She looked down at her opponent.

"Do I care?" Agnes retorted. "My god damned back-stabbing sister… do I care if she's dead. I hope so. I hope so," she scowled at the other lady and spit on her. I shivered, feeling suddenly warm and fuzzy toward my own sister.

"You gonna kill somebody for a farm?" Lula was clearly stumped. So was I, for that matter. Somehow killing someone for a few cows and chickens, maybe a field and some corn didn't sound like a good idea. Didn't sound like it was worth the trouble, even.

"No, they aren't." Haley's voice was surprisingly strong as she stood up from wherever she'd been hiding. I almost couldn't see her as she leaned back against the tree.

"I was wondering if you weren't already dead, cous," Shawn said slowly.

"Not yet… why didn't you just ask me, Shawn? I would have split it with you in a heartbeat…"

"I did ask you, damn it. You're just like the others, no way were you going to-"

"When? When did you ask me?"

"Granny asked you last year!"

"No, she didn't," Haley's voice was weakening.

"Don't fucking lie, Baby," Shawn hissed. He took a step toward her. "You aren't getting away this time. We got cheated out of what's ours before, but by god I'm taking it back." He lunged for her.

I swung my gun up to aim it, but it was useless in the dark. I could barely tell where everyone was, let alone who was who as he crashed toward her. Too dark to tell where Shawn or Haley ended, to tell which shadow was a person or which was a tree…

Another gunshot echoed through the clearing.

A large shape fell away from the tree Haley had been leaning against. Someone started screaming. I took a step forward, but something barreled into me from behind. I twisted to keep from landing on the gun, and fell onto my shoulder, hard. My finger squeezed the trigger and the gun fired a split second before it went spinning out of my hand and something hard nailed me across the temple.