"The Bitch is Back" by Elton John Chapter written by Bird, Kath and Amy

Peeking out from behind the red velvet curtain, Bird eyes the noisy and packed bar. She is a little shocked to see just how many responded to her ads. Looking back down at the itinerary, she decides that it isn't really all that surprising. The 'Birds of a Feather' are a pretty popular local group, and who wouldn't show up to see two chicks dance on a bar or Legolas. How about two chicks dancing ON Legolas? Bird waves away the tempting thought.

An uncomfortable elf stands behind her fidgeting. "I REALLY don't want to do this!!"

Bird looks at him for a moment, a smile twitching at the corners of her mouth. "Dearie, come on…you look fabulous, plus you know who will be watching and has already said the out fit looks incredibly sexy on you."

"Really?" The elf looks down at his out fit and smiles nervously.

Bird nods and turns her attention back to the crowded bar. "Go drink a shot and get over it. I gotta go and make an announcement." Smoothing down the front of her shirt, Bird tries to throw the curtain out of the way, attempting to look cool at the same time. However that fails, and she ends up tripping and on a cord, causing all the lights to go out. Everything goes quiet and a loud, "Eru Damnit!" echoes through the hall.

Suddenly the lights flicker on, and everyone sees Bird try to jump up casually like nothing happened. "Ahem," she clears her throat when she finally stumbles to the mike. "Welcome ellyth and elves, men and women, and all you others," she waves to the crowd, "WELCOME TO BIRD'S FIRST HOMELY KARAOKE BAR!!" A loud roaring cheer explodes from the crowd. "Are ya'll ready to PARTAY!!!???" More energetic yells, several fists are pumping the air.

Bird looks over and spies Kath and Mei tending bar, juggling bottles and glasses just like those chicks in the Coyote Ugly. Quite a few patrons are ogling the two in their skin tight, low cut First Homely Karaoke Bar tanks and Daisy Duke cut-offs. Everything is good so far.

"We have quite a line up tonight! Birds of a Feather singing an original song!." Loud cheers from loyal fans. "Legolas with a surprise song!" Fan girls pass out everywhere. "Celebdreth singing a special song for a special someone!" Beinie blushes, as everyone chuckles knowingly.

"AND MUCH MORE!!!! If anyone gets the urge to sing, come on up! Now, for our opening act!"

The lights dim in the bar, and a single spot light centers on the stage. The Intro of Elton John's 'The Bitch is Back' blasts through the bar. Smoke begins to flow across the stage and the strobe light turns on, and a figure walks out and turns his back to everyone, head down and hands on hips. He throws a withering 'I-can't-believe-you're-making-me-do-this' look at Bird. Suddenly, on cue, he jumps around singing loudly,

"I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch
Oh the bitch is back!"

Everyone gapes at Erestor, who is wearing a polyester white leisure suit, white large round sunglasses with green tint, a white pimp hat, and lime green Hawaiian flowery shirt, (looking an awful lot like 70s Elton John, but with dark flowing hair.) He has what seems to be glitter on his face.

"Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
I can bitch, I can bitch
cause I'm better than you
It's the way that I move
The things that I do"

He stops gyrating across the stage, and pausing for a moment looks out straight into the audience, then grabs the mikes off the stand and slides across the stage on his knees, singing…

"I was justified when I was five
Raising cane, I spit in your eye.
Times are changing, now the poor get fat
But the fever's gonna catch you when the bitch gets back
Eat meat on friday that's alright
Even like steak on a saturday night
I can bitch the best at your social do's
I get high in the evening sniffing pots of glue"

He twitches slightly and rubs his nose, like he maybe a little high, before leaping through the air and doing the moon walk across the stage. With a pelvic thrust after each 'bitch', he belts out,

"I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch
Oh the bitch is back.
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact."

Getting into it, he points into the crowd as if he is personally speaking to each one, continuing with the pelvic thrusts. Sweat is beginning to saturate his clothes,

"I can bitch, I can bitch
cause I'm better than you
It's the way that I move
The things that I do.

I entertain by picking brains
Sell my soul by dropping names
I don't like those, my god, what's that
Oh it's full of nasty habits when the bitch gets back."

He starts doing the Michael Jackson crotch grab when he thrusts…

Amy scoots close enough to the stage so she can see every drop of sweat and the clingy material that accentuates every lithe plane of his body.

She squeals like a fan girl when he thrusts his hips and then overcome she hurls her bra onto the stage. She gulps down another shot and fans her face with her hand.

"I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch
Oh the bitch is back…"

Glorfindel drools…

Galadriel walks in and whispers to Bird, "I just arrived back from my trip Valinor, this better not be about me…"

Bird drags an elated Erestor off the stages as he throws kisses at the adoring crowd.

"YOU LOVE ME, YOU REALLY LOVE ME!!!"

Glorfindel flashes his back stage pass at the bouncers and goes to help Erestor…change….

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Kath stares in shock at the stage, drool forming a puddle at her feet. She completely misses the bottle thrown to her by Mei, which conks Galadriel in head, knocking her out.

"Oh, my great and glorious Eru! He was freaking AWESOME!"

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Back stage

Glorfindel leads Erestor to the dressing room in the back, "let me take that bra off your head...let me take that lime shirt off you...let me take...let me..." Hurriedly, he shoves the cosmetics off the dressing table and plops Erestor up on it.

Bird rushes in just in time, "Guys! We don't have time for this!!! GET BACK OUT IN THE BAR!! The next act needs the dressing room!!!" And she shoves them back out the door. Bird walks back out on to the stage to address the crowd once again. "Ahem (dramatic pause) LEGOLAS, IS NEXT!!!!

Crowd screams wildly!