"The Bad Touch" by The Bloodhound Gang (Kath, Bird, and Amy)

Haldir leans against the bar with his arms crossed over his chest. He glares haughtily at Kath and Bird. "Ahem," he clears his throat and both ladies turn to face him.

"What do you want?" Kath's voice drips with sarcasm, and Bird rolls her eyes at him.

"Well, you'd think I might want to perform, too," he sneers at the two ladies.

Bird gives him a very unimpressed look, "Really, and what exactly do you have in mind?"

"Something that will make you meow…."

The curtains part on a darkened stage, as fog rolls gently across the footlights…

Suddenly a thunderous beat begins pounding, as multicolored spot lights sweep the stage.

From above the stage, a trapeze is slowly lowered bearing ! a broad shouldered, well-muscled Elf whose hair is loose and flowing.

A black light hits him, and he glows in the dark….

Haldir, sporting an entire body painting of tiger stripes, growls at the audience, crouching, then springing toward the edge of the stage.

Gyrating wildly, he begins to sing:

"Sweat, baby, sweat, baby sex is a Texas drought me
and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about
So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts
Yes, I'm Siskel, yes I'm Ebert and you're getting two thumbs up
You've had enough of two-hand touch, you want it rough, you're out of bounds
I want to you smothered, want you covered, like my Waffle House hash browns
Come quicker than Fed Ex, never reaching apex like Coca-Cola stock you are
inclined to make me rise an hour early just like Daylight Savings Time

(do it now)
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
(do it again now)
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
(gettin' horny now)"

Amy stops breathing as she watches Haldir prowl the stage to the sex filled lyrics. She wonders why there are spots before her eyes and she is getting dizzy. Amy realizes she has not drawn a breath and her mouth is hanging open. She gasps on a lungful of air and tries to grab Him as he gets close.

He is hot enough to set the stage afire and Amy feels as if she has a fever.

Faramir runs off to give her mouth-to-mouth! "Breath, breath, Damnit!!!"

"I can't breathe when you're shoving your tongue down my throat!!!" Amy tries to mumble back.

Elrohir and Elladan quickly change back into their nurses outfits and rush to give Amy mouth to mouth resuscitation.

Amy thoroughly enjoys the attentions of Faramir when he is shoved aside by Elladan and Elrohir wearing naughty nurses outfits.

"Let the professionals handle this!" Elladan snarls then grins wickedly at the still swooning Amy.

"Her shirt is too constrictive! She can't breathe!" Elladan shouts. Elrohir produces a pair of scissors, grinning madly.

Faramir stalks off in a huff and wanders back over to the bar. His attention riveted by how the short shorts ride up every time the bar wenches bend over.

Faramir reaches out and pinches Kath's ass as she bends over to get a bottle of whiskey off the bottom shelf...

"Love, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket
Like the lost catacombs of Egypt, only God knows where we stuck it
Hieroglyphics? Let me be Pacific, I wanna be down in your South Seas
But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean, means "small craft advisory"
So if I capsize in your thighs, high tide, B-5, you sunk my battleship
Please turn me on, I'm Mr. Coffee with an automatic drip
So show me yours I'll show you mi! ne "Tool Time", you'll Lovett just like Lyle
And then we'll do it doggie style so we can both watch X-Files.

(do it now)
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
(do it again now)
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
(gettin' horny now)"

He ends on his knees in front of the audience, who erupt into wild applause, screaming and catcalling…

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your point of view) the audience isn't the only thing that erupts.

Bird is now passed out...wakes up...sits up...and passes out again... "Oh my...that was quite interesting..." She looks back at a tiger stripe black light glowing Haldir, and whispers, "Cum to me pussy cat...." while beckoning with her finger.

Haldir stalks toward Bird, growling menacingly. He picks her up and slings her over his shoulder, carrying her backstage to the "Undressing Room."

"Here pussy, pussy..." he's heard to murmur as he closes the door behind them.

Glorfindel comes up and knocks on the door, and shouts to Bird, "I wanna sing too, and I have the song picked out..."

"Um, Glorfy...I'll let you handle your own number...I have um...some business to attend to..." and she purrs contentedly as Haldir hauls her off.