Disclaimer: heh heh heh... -twitches- NOTHIIIIING!!!
(An: I love making Star Wars puns. It's -so- fun.)
I am still very upset about the whole Gazoo thing.
"What are we gonna do now? My sleepy thing will wear off in a bit, and they'll wake up, and they'll get mad 'cause they can't find any food!" says Jazz, twitching slightly. "Believe me, I know..."
I grin somewhat nastily. "I know you know. I'm the one that put you in those situations, aren't I?"
Jazz gives a very audible gulp and you can almost see that she is thinking about what I could do to her if she doesn't behave.
"Well, that was surprising," said Kitty, having finally recovered from the shock.
I look very serious. "Not to me, it wasn't. Gazoo is a sadistic prat with magical powers and he will be the death of us ALLL!!"
Jazz backs away slowly and Kitty and Cait grab her.
"Right now," I say, "the only thing that would surprise me is if Roland and the man in black from my Dark Tower book started chasing each other around my living room." I blink. "Sorry about that."
Cait and Jazz nod slowly.
Kitty tackles me. "Please excuse my friend, she's under a lot of stress and is acting quite wierd."
"MMMMPHH!!!"
"Oh, sorry," says Kitty and gets off me.
I am somewhat miffed. "That wasn't very nice." I stick my tongue out at Kit. "Ok, on to business. The only thing I can think of is to go to the store and get stuff. But I don't have that much money. The stupid house-sitter has it all." I sniff scornfully.
"Where is the house-sitter?" asks Jazz.
"Tied up in the closet," I reply calmly.
Everyone else shouts, "WHAT?!"
I look frantic. "Quiet! You'll wake everyone up!"
Jazz looks me up and down. "You don't really look like the type to be able to do that, mate."
I blink. "Well, obviously, I didn't exactly do it."
"What do ya mean?" asks Jazz.
"I had some spare time and some spare parts so I built a thingy that knocked her out," I say with a shrug. "Suffice it to say I used a lot of string and a very big hammer, ok?"
"Never knew you had it in you," says Jazz, stunned.
"I have to have some imagination, after all, I created you, like I said. Anyway," I say. "I suppose we could steal her wallet.."
Kitty and Cait looked shocked. "M.A.!!!"
"Guys, you know I love you, but you're so naive. We are all dead if we don't get food, y' got it? Especially when Wolvie wakes up.." I give Wolverine a fearful glance. "Anyway, what she don't know won't hurt her, right?"
"I like the way you think!" says Jazz, grinning.
We go to the water-closet. Basically this is a small room full of pipes and stuff, for some reason it's the water-closet. Jazz carefully opens the door. A bound and gagged old woman falls out. She looks fairly harmless.
Kitty and Cait glare at me.
"What?" I ask. "She was annoying me!"
The old woman mumbles something that sounds suspiciously like bitch but with her gag, who could tell?
"See?" I ask smugly. "Aaaanyway, lady, time to give up the goods." I bend down and mess with the cords. I pull out a wallet and hold it up in triumph.
Jazz grabs it and flicks through it. She pulls out a credit card. "Oooh, plastic! But is it worth anything.."
The old woman shakes her head, looking as though she wants to hurt Jazz.
Jazz grins. "Remember, I can tell when you're lie-ing!" She frowns, and then grins. "Ooh, never even used!"
I grin maniacally and rub my hands together. "Lovely."
"Ya know what this means?" asks Cait, looking eager.
Kurt and Scott appear out of nowhere and shout in unison, "ROAD TRIP!!"
"Where did they come from?" Kitty whispers to me, confused.
"Kitty-cat, these are the X-men," I say, somewhat condescendingly. Poor Kit-kat knows almost nothing about the X-men. "They can do aaanything."
Kitty is still clearly confused.
I shrug. "I never said it would make sense. But anyway, they're right. The only thing I'm not sure of is how we're supposed to get there.."
"Public transit?" suggests Cait.
"You know the word transit?" I ask, impressed. "I'll have to remember that..." I trail off and then snap back to reality. "Um, but anyway, look around you. This is the middle of nowhere!"
"She's right. This is NEILSVILLE for crying out loud!" says Kitty.
Logan walks in, being his usual grumpy, brusque, whatever self. "Is there a bar around here somewhere?"
The author-me steps out of her shadowy corner. "This is Wisconsin, people. Of course there's a bar." She hands him a map of Neillsville and goes back to her corner.
"Ambitious, isn't he?" asks Kitty, looking impressed.
Logan exits, and there is the sound of a motorcycle revving. He drives off. Remy and Rogue stumble out of the bedroom, looking messy.
"Y' let de badger go wit'out m'?" asks Remy sleepily.
"Of course!" cries Scoot, sticking his finger in the air. "Logan is old enough to drink!"
Barely awake, Rogue mumbles, "Shut up, Scott."
Looking like she's astonished, Jazz holds up her hands and mouths, "Finally, justice!"
"Jazz!" I say.
Jazz grins as she watches Scott's shocked expression turn into lecture mode. "Just because I picked up a sense of purpouse doesn't mean I'm a total stuffed shirt, y' know." She puts on an expression of mock-sadness. "As for Mr. Scott 'yes-I-have-a-stick-up-my-arse-and-yes-it's-there-on-purpouse-and-no-I-don't-want-it-removed' Summers, he's always been one." She sniffs. "There was never any hope for him." She hangs her head and dry-sobs. (That's when someone gasps like they're crying.)
Rogue and Remy snicker softly.
Scott swells as he begins his lecture. "Never have I seen such behaviour! Rogue! You, talking back! Unacceptable! and you, Remy-"
Author-me steps out of her corner again. "None of that Scotty! Zip it!" She makes a zipping gesture.
"MMMPH MM OOF!" yells Scott, muffled but still in lecture mode.
"No backtalk, mister! Remember, I control you. And if you keep this up, I'll kill Jean in one of my ficlets. AGAIN. And it'll be serious this time!"
Still muffled, Scott gasps and shuts up.
Remy wakes up a bit, and says, "Y' know, Remy curious."
"Really, I didn't know you had the brain power," says Jazz, her voice quite dry.
Remy glares at Rogue for a second and then returns to the matter at hand. "What Remy means is how did his Roguey learn t' control her powers like dat?"
"You know, I wondered that too," says Cait, and turns to me.
I shrug and point at the shadowy corner.
Author-me sighs and steps out, yet again. "I believe I mentioned I was a Romy fan."
Remy blinks. "Dere two of y'!"
"I wondered about that too, but I thought it might be rude to ask," says Jazz.
I blink. "Since when did you care about being polite?"
Jazz shrugs.
"It's really very simple. I am the M.A. writing the story, she is the M.A. character." My author-self looks as though this were obvious.
"What she said," I say, blinking.
M.A. goes back into her corner.
"This is SO wierd!" I say, shaking my head.
The other people in the room, minus Scott, chorus, "You can say THAT again!" They blink, look at each other and then over at me.
I point at the corner.
"That's becoming kind of an all-purpouse excuse," observes Kitty.
"Well, it IS all her fault," I reply with a shrug.
"But she you!" shouts Remy.
M.A. doesn't bother to walk out this time. "Be articulate Remy. Is that too much to ask? And anyway, it doesn't matter. Get back to the plot, people!"
I glare at the corner.
Kurt wakes up more and blinks. "When's breakfast?" he asks.
"Remy was wonderin' dat too. When do we eat 'round here?" (Must you even ask who was speaking?)
I shrug. "Whenever we get some food, which prolly will be a while, since we have to go to the store to get food, and we haven't figured out a way to get there."
Kurt looks shocked. "No.. no food?"
"That's what she said," said Cait and nods.
Kurt faints.
Kitty raises her eyebrow. "Is he ok?"
I shrug. "He's fine. He's just in shock. No big." I seem to remember something. "Wait, where did Logan's motorbike come from?" I look towards the corner.
M.A., as a disembodied voice, shouts, "Get on with it already!"
I frown. "All right, all right, just tryin' to do it right." I pull out a script from my pocket and flip through it. "Um, oh yeah. Hey, if Logan had his motorbike, does that mean that the other vehicles'd be here?" I put the script away.
"Sounds logical, M.A.," agrees Cait.
"C'mon then, if Logan's motorbike was outside, so should the rest."
The group (containing everyone who's in this) heads outside. Parked on the lawn are the X-van and the X-jet.
Everyone who's not from Evo besides Cait and me stare at the jet.
"Well now, THAT'S handy. Scott, you drive," I say.
Scott looks as though he might protest, but then remembers he can't talk and submits. Everyone piles into the jet. As we soar over Neillsville, we notice Pyro, dressed in drag, complete with makeup, hanging from a stop light. He appears to be saying, "You know you want me," to everyone. Remy and Rogue start macking for no apparent reason.
Jazz and I grin at each other.
Cait and Kitty gasp. "M.A.!"
I don't say anything but grin rather nastily.
Jazz laughs like a maniac.
Kurt, still passed out on the floor, wakes up at this. He looks frantic, terrified even. "SOMEONE GET THE STRAIGHT-JACKETS!!"
Jazz tackles him to shut him up, then looks at him thoughtfully. "I forgot how CUTE the Evo versions of you guys were!" she says and huggles him.
"Jazz, stop that!" I shout, indignant.
Jazz sticks her tongue out at me, but lets go anyway, although she stays on top of Kurt. "Hey, this is pretty comfy!" She grins and bounces up and down.
Kurt makes a noise with every bounce, something like "Spleah!"
"Stop it!" I shout.
Jazz glares at me now but gets off and pats Kurt on the head. "It's ok, Kurty. You can't help if you're like a fur rug."
"Spleah?" asks Kurt, dazed.
Jazz appears to understand this and looks outraged. "No, I do not!"
Everyone but Jazz and Kurt look to each other and shrug.
"Ok, that was weird," I say. "But anyway, beam us down Scotty," I say, seeing that we've just arrived at the mall.
Scott has his power of speech back. "You've been waiting all day to say that, haven't you?"
I grin, bob head, and do the Vulcan hand thing. "Indubidably, captain."
Scott looks surprised. "She called me 'captain.' Hey everybody! I'm not Scott anymore, I'm Captain Cyke!"
"Ooookay then," says everyone else.
"Mebbe I should've just kept my mouth shut," I mutter and rub my temples. "What did I ever do to me? Huh? What did I do to deserve this?"
"WELL?!" shouts Scott. "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? SHOW PROPER RESPECT TO CAPTAIN CYKE!!!"
"Fix him!" I say.
M.A. grumbles and comes out of her newly created just for this purpouse corner. "All right, Scoot, time for your medicine." She pulls out a very large syringe full of a clear liquid and walks towards Scott.
He screams like a small girl. "NOOO! Captain Cyke doesn't wanna!" He tries to hide behind a chair.
Remy and Rogue stop macking to watch, both snickering.
M.A. sighs and injects Scott.
"I hate piskies.." Scott mumbles. "Mmmm, nice Jean..." He collapses.
M.A. rubs her hands together and the syringe disappears. "Now, back to the madness!" She goes back to her shadowy corner.
"Well, now, that's out of the way... Wait a minute, if Scott's out of it, who's flying the jet?" I ask.
Kurt waves. He's flying the jet with his feet.
"Well, that doesn't give me much confidence," I mutter.
The jet lands in front of a place called OakWood mall. I inspect the credit cards. "Go and shop! We have a 3000 dollar spending limit!" I cry, laughing evilly.
"We'll stay in the jet," Remy and Rogue say in unison, and go back to macking.
The gang goes into the mall.
The LOTR group runs to the Spongebob DVD's and stare hungrily at them, singing the theme song in a hypnotized way.
"Do they sell potion ingredients here?" asks Harry.
"Or Fizzing Whizbees?" asks Ron.
I shrug. "Who knows? Maybe one of the walls opens up to Diagon Alley or something. Hint, hint."
Hermione grabs them. "Come my slaves! We must SHOP!" She drags them off to their protests.
"What do we have to do?" whine Harry and Ron in unison.
"You will carry my bags! Or I'll cast Rictusempra on you both and let you laugh until you choke!" Hermione drags them off further.
"You know," I say to Kitty, "Somehow I thought if I ever met the Fellowship, or the HP gang, they'd be be more.. more, you know, sophisticated, grand!"
Kitty shrugs. "What can you do? I do agree though. Total letdown."
"This is no time for talk! We must shop!" cries Cait and grabs us.
"You're awfully strong for someone 5/7ths my height," I comment.
"This is fanFICTION, remember?" Cait replies.
Kitty (the evo version) and Jean are arguing about what stores to go to.
Kitty pulls out a lightsaber. "Like, fear me!"
Jean does the same. "Kitty, I am your great-aunt twice removed on your mother's side!"
Kitty is shocked. "Like, really?!" She has a "like" attack. "That's like like like.."
"NO! But I will still WIN!" Jean laughs evilly.
There is a furious lightsaber fight.
"Come to the prep side, Kitty!" Jean cries.
"Like, never!" replies Kitty. She knocks Jean down and puts her lightsaber, which is bright pink by the way, to Jean's throat.
"Kitty, no!" Jean's lightsaber, which is red, flickers off.
"Before you die, one question," says Kitty and leans in real close. "Is that your real color?"
Jean begins to sob. "NO! All right, NO! I get it dyed once a month! Why do you people do this to me?!" Her powers blow out Kitty's lightsaber and she runs off sobbing.
Kitty looks at her ruined 'saber. "Why didn't she just do that in the, like, first place?"
M.A., as a threatening disembodied voice, shouts, "STICK TO THE SCRIPT!!!"
Kitty shivers. "That is, like, SO totally creepy!"
"SCRIPT WOMAN!" cries M.A. again.
"Ah, shut up!" I say.
M.A. becomes a disembodies head, sticks her tongue out at me and disappears.
Kitty and I sigh and let Cait drag us off.
ABOUT FOUR HOURS LATER
Everyone is gathered in a group around me. I am inspecting the credit cards and the money we've spent. All of our purchases are already in the X-jet.
"Well, mates, we've done it. 6 credit cards with 3000 dollar spending limits and we've spent them in less than a day!"
Everyone else cheers.
Suddenly there is a whooshing noise.
"Was that the X-jet?" I ask. "I have a bad feeling about this..."
We turn and see that an Independence Day-esque space ship has just landed in the parking lot.
"We're double parked, you nimrod!" shouts a voice from the ship.
Another voice replies, "How can we not be?! The lines are so SMALL!"
The first voice gasps. "You idiot! You turned on the intercom! Now we have to start intimidating them!!"
There is a Star Trek type noise and a group of gigantic Carrot Sticks and a penguin land in the parking lot.
"Are these the villains?" I whisper to myself.
"Yes, but-" she replies, and is cut off.
"YES!" shouts a random carrot stick. "WE are the villains of this horrible fanfiction! We will devour your brains!!" He makes an attempt at evil laughter, but it doesn't work, because he's a carrot.
There is a flash of white light, and the Great Gazoo appears. He laughs maniacally. "Yes, these are the all-powerful Carrot Sticks! They were created by my space warp!" He laughs again.
Another random Carrot Stick pulls out a ray gun. "Ah, shuddup!" he says and zaps Gazoo.
"NOOOOOO!" shouts Gazoo and disappears.
"I'm not sure whether to be relieved he's gone or upset that the world is about be overtaken by sadistic Carrot Sticks," I comment.
"SEE!" cries Cait triumphantly. "This is what I've trying to prove all along!"
"That carrot sticks are taking over the world?" asks Kitty, understandably confused.
"Well, maybe not Carrots, but still!" says Cait with a shrug.
All of the Carrot Sticks appear to grow bored and pull out ray guns. The penguin doesn't, but he seems to be their leader. "FIRE AT WILL, MY MINIONS!!!" he cries and laughs evilly.