Chapter 3-Two and Two Makes Five

"Han?"

"Yeah, Luke?"

"Have you seen Booster?"

"Ask Karrde," Han advised him.

"Karrde isn't sure where he is. He may be on a trading run on the Outer Rim. He may be in a local dive. He may be----"

"Why are you looking for him?" Han asked, cutting off the litany of places Booster might or might not be.

"I'm in trouble," Luke said, after a pause.

"So get Leia to help you," Han said, with the air of having easily solved the problem.

"It's not that kind of trouble, Han."

"What sort of trouble, then?" Han asked.

Deep sigh. "The worst kind," Luke said. "Woman trouble."

"Well, sit down, Luke, and tell me all the gruesome details," Han said amiably. "I'm just as good as Booster at that. Or better."

There was a long, dubious pause.

"Take that look off your face!" Han said, angrily. " I know all there is to know about women!"

"I saw you court my sister, remember?" Luke said, folding his arms. "You want to amend that statement?"

Sullenly, Han said, "Okay, I know slightly more than you do about women."

Luke sat. Han gave him a drink. Luke stared at it.

"So what's up, kid?" Han asked.

Luke sighed again. "It's Mara," he said.

"Well, I could see that one coming," Han said, scratching his chin.

"That's a big help, Han."

"No kidding. So what's the problem?"

"She came in today and demanded that I talk to her," Luke said in despair.

Han shook his head. "Loud ominous chord of music," he said, snapping open some Coreillian ale, and draining half of it.

Luke nodded. "So, I asked her what she wanted to talk about."

"Wrong thing to say," Han said, grimacing. "For a smart guy, you can be amazingly dense at times."

"Yeah, apparently. She went ballistic."

"I could have predicted that," Han said, shaking his head.

"But, Han, what was I supposed to say?" Luke asked, genuinely baffled.

"When a woman asks you a question like that, you don't answer-you take her in your arms, make passionate love to her, and hope she's easily distracted," Han said.

"You're a great big help," Luke muttered. "How do you make passionate love to a trained assassin, if she's not in the mood?"

"You'd know more about that subject than I would," Han observed. "I wondered--how did you persuade her in the first place? I'm just curious."

"Well, you can be just curious, revered brother-in-law," Luke snapped. "I don't kiss and tell. Notice that I never asked you how you seduced my sister?"

"True enough," Han said amicably. "Do you really want to know?"

"No," Luke said in a repressive voice. "As far as I'm concerned, it happened on your wedding night."

Han gave a cynical snort.

"And if it didn't," Luke said, staring hard at a spot a foot above Han's head, "I might recall that I actually am the son of a Sith."

Han's eyes widened. "You wouldn't."

"Don't bet on it," Luke said darkly, dropping his gaze to Han's. "I'm Outer Rim, remember? If you're testing the merchandise, and the merchandise in question is a sister of mine, you'd better be in a buying mood. Immediately if not sooner. You remember the stories they used to tell about the spaceship salesman and the farmer's daughter? They originated on Tattooine."

Han grinned. "Glad you warned me. I might have done something stupid--like blurting out a list of all your exs to Mara."

It was Luke's turn to snort. "So what?"

Han grinned. "I suspect it's a lot longer than she thinks it is."

Luke went white. "You think that's what she wants to talk about?"

"Well, that's one of the possible subjects," Han said, giving it due consideration. "Women are obsessed by their predecessors. I speak from personal experience--just ask Leia. She wanted to know all about my ex-girlfriends in great detail."

"And did you tell her?" Luke asked, regarding him with a fascinated eye.

"The truth?" Han said, laughing. "No, I didn't tell her, not everything anyway. Before her time, for one thing, and none of her damn business, for another."

"Why would Mara be interested?" Luke asked, confused.

"Women are strange that way," Han said simply.

"Are they ever," Luke agreed.

"Maybe she wants to talk about Callista," Han suggested, watching with clinical interest while the blood drained from Luke's face.

"W-why would she want to talk about that?" Luke stammered.

"Oh, I dunno," Han said. "I never pretended to understand everything about the feminine mind."

"Yes, you did. Just now, in fact."

Han rolled his eyes. "Then I lied. You can bet it's a sore point, though."

"Why?" Luke asked, looking guilty. "Mara and I weren't together then. Why should she care?"

Han gave him a pitying look. "Luke, you two were together from the first second you clapped eyes on each other. I mean, everybody knew it. Even though you've been doing the old scratch and sniff for eight years. I'm guessing that you would have got lucky a whole lot sooner if not for Ms. Ming. Just saying."

"What do you mean, everybody knew it?" Luke cried.

"You gave her your old man's lightsaber, right?" Han said. "I mean, what was that about? Was Leia ever angry about it, too!"

"Leia told me it was okay--!" Luke protested.

Han shook his head. "What else was she going to say? You'd already done the deed. And Mara accepted it, right?"

"Right; but I wasn't attracted to Mara the first time I saw her! She had a blaster pointed at my head!"

"Acute fear and a first-class hard-on must have been an interesting combination," Han said, with a smirk, dodging the bottle of ale Luke threw at him. "Temper, temper, little brother! Tell me, did she notice?"

"No," Luke whispered.

"You may be wrong about that," Han said, still smirking.

"If she had, she'd have killed me then and there," Luke muttered.

"Don't think so," was Han's rejoinder. "In fact, she may have been just as attracted to you as you, ahem, were to her."

"I doubt it," Luke sighed.

"Let's look at the evidence," Han said. "She's Palpatine's creature from a very early age. He programs her to kill you on sight. You have numerous encounters with her. You are not dead. I rather suspect this is Mara's version of foreplay. You just weren't tuned in."

Luke started at his brother-in-law. "Boomer said something about a signal in the Force she gave off that only I could hear--oh, but that's impossible! She's wasn't interested then, she made it clear!"

Han stared back at him. "Well, what do you actually know about the mating habits of the Jedi?" he pointed out. "Did your education with Yoda include this interesting subject?"

"He said he didn't have the time," Luke muttered.

"I'll just bet. He wasn't about to let you have any fun, was he?" He peered at Luke. "So, and I think that I speak for all your friends when I ask this question, what's it like?"

"What's what like?"

"You know--um, interaction with another Force user?" Han said.

"I told you--I don't kiss and tell," Luke said stubbornly.

"Nobody asked anything about kissing," Han said grinning. "Is it different? I make this inquiry in the nature of scientific investigation. Not out of vulgar curiosity."

Luke gave him a skeptical look.

"Okay, I'm both vulgar and curious," Han acknowledged. "Satisfied? But I need to know to give you further advice."

"It's incredible," Luke whispered, finally.

"Different?" Han asked with interest. "Does the earth move?"

"The earth moves, the sun does a back flip, the moon rocks on its axis, and the planets sing 'The Galaxy Anthem' in two-part harmony," Luke said, dreamily.

"I'm impressed, Luke," Han said. "That's practically poetic."

Luke started, and then looked thoroughly embarrassed.

"Hmmm," Han said, "Booster's a smart old bird."

"Which means?"

"I think Mara's been sending you genuine Jedi mating signals, but you didn't interpret them correctly," Han said.

"How am I supposed to interpret 'Drop dead, Skywalker!'?" Luke asked, glaring at him, "especially when the line's delivered by a professional assassin?"

"There's that, of course," Han admitted. "But consider this, we may competing programming here. Palpatine's is making her tell you to drop dead. While the Jedi hand-wiring is saying, 'Come back, my love, all is forgiven.'"

Luke stared at him, wide-eyed. "Which means--!"

"Which means that thing you had with Callista--the Palpatine's programming wouldn't care, but the Jedi hand-wiring is going to regard that as a hell of a betrayal. No doubt about it, that's what she wants to talk to you about."

"Why now?" Luke cried, exasperated.

"It's payback time, Luke," Han said morosely. "Women can remember slights going back decades. I swear. Make 'em mad, and it all comes out; they'll go Huttese on you for stuff you can't even remember. It's uncanny."

Luke grinned briefly, then said: "You know something, Han? I don't imagine Mara hasn't had them, but I don't want to know anything about her exs."

"Of course you don't," Han agreed. "That's the difference between men and women. Women want to know lots of information--was she prettier than me? Was she nicer? Did she have smaller butt?-that last one's a killer, watch out for it. And, oh yeah, do you love me more? Men, now--they only want to know one thing, and one thing only."

"I'm not gonna ask," Luke said. "Which means I don't want to know."

"Tough," Han said. "The question men want to know is: was he better in the sack than me? And should they get one of the two possible answers, the relationship is over."

Luke sighed again, but didn't say anything. Han raised his brows. "Well?" he said.

"Well, what?" Luke said, staring at him.

"We know it's good for you," Han said, repressing a snigger. "Any signs she isn't--you know--satisfied?" Han asked, leering cheerfully at his brother-in-law over his ale.

"No!" Luke snapped.

Han grinned. "If you say so, kid."

"That's not just my opinion, either, you miserable blood-striper!" Luke said sharply. "Remember I can read Mara's mind. I can tell whether she's satisfied or not."

Han stared at him. "You're kidding me."

"Am not!"

"And is this reciprocal?"

"You mean, can she read my mind?" Luke asked. "And the answer is: yes."

"Gods, Luke, you're a brave man."

Luke nodded. "You want to know it."

"I had no idea you two were so--intimate. Why don't you read her mind, then, and find out what's biting her?"

"Can't," Luke muttered. "She's got her shields up. First time since--" he hesitated. "What can I do, Han? I'm getting desperate."

"Need the sun to do a few back flips, do you?" Han asked, raising his brows. "Yup, I can see that you do. Well, I'm not Booster, but I think you should talk to her about Callista. Tell her it was a momentary Force aberration, or whatever. Say, 'Honey, you're right.' To everything she says."

"Everything?" Luke exclaimed.

Han had consumed rather a lot of Corellian whiskey, and was beginning to feel it. "Everything," he said flatly. "No point in arguing, it just convinces her you're guilty of something. Repeat after me: 'Honey, you're right.'"

"Honey, you're right," Luke repeated uncertainly.

"You're damn right I am, Leia," Han slurred. He slumped against the couch and started to snore.

After looking at his slumbering brother-in-law for a few minutes, Luke tiptoed from the room, muttering, 'Honey, you're right,' under his breath.