Description: Remus looks back on his past after Sirius' death.
Shadowland"Shadowland
The leaves have fallen
This shadowed land
This was our home"
It is the first time I return to Hogwarts after...
Shaking my head mutely, I discourage myself from thinking about it. Still, in the back of my mind, a voice whispers terrible things.
Only Wormtail and me are left. They are gone now, all three are gone. And, oh god, I have felt like this before. All those years ago, I thought my two best friends and Lily were gone, and a traitor alive. Now, it is the same, a similar pain. Yet so different, because even then I had always felt something wasn't right with our judgement of that day. And because Sirius was still alive back then.
No, don't think that name. Yes, do think about him, he needs to be remembered. Why can't it leave me alone?
I walk on, to the place that always comforted me most: the Whomping Willow. The site of so many of our little adventures, our reckless adventures. We used to go to the Shack together, and now, now I am alone. I look at the Willow. I never thought of him as a mere tree and I feel like he knows what has happened.
My jaw is trembling, but I suppress it. I must be strong, be strong for Harry. Now Voldemort is back and active, there is no time for mourning. No time to think about lost lives. I put my hand on the Willow's trunk and look up at the sky. Leaves flutter down and stroke me, my arms, my face. I know the living creature I am touching feels something of what I feel. I never even needed to push his trunk to calm him down; he seems to know when I am near and that calms him automatically. I look around and see the castle, a fortress against upcoming darkness. There are no students now, but I know there will be soon enough. I can see them walking, close to each other, looking over their shoulders, fearing the world. Just like we used to do.
This shadowed land, this was our home.
"Where has the starlight gone?
Dark is the day
How can I find my way home?"
My strength is abandoning me; it takes a great effort to breathe. When I do, it is a shuddering breath and I feel my throat is closing up. Once again my jaw trembles and there is nothing I can do about it, I gasp for air but my breath has caught, the world starts spinning in front of my eyes and before I know what I'm doing I start to run, run away. Away from the Willow, from the entrance to the Shack, from our adventures together, the wonderful times we had.
Away from the memories, tears are running down my cheek but I'm leaving it all behind. James and Lily, beaming. Padfoot, playing with Moony in the moonlight in the Forest, playfully biting each other, Sirius and me, outside, at the lake, talking, crying, kissing... I make a turn for I was heading towards the lake. Now I am going to the castle. Better than the lake. Less memories. Running from Peter looking at James in awe. My legs falter, I almost fall. Wormtail, riding on Padfoots back because he couldn't run fast enough. Peter, who used to be my friend. I leave that behind.
When I finally stop and raise my eyes from the ground, I look at a wall Hogwarts' castle. I resist the urge to touch the cold stones with my hands, instead I sit down with my back to the once so comforting realm. The tears still flow and I feel I need to express my pain now, but the moment I realise that is the moment I stop crying. Express my pain? Give in to my feelings? How can I ever let out those feelings inside... How can anyone expect me to mourn and then take up life again? How can I find my way home?
"You promised you'd be there
Whenever I needed you
Whenever I call your name
You're not anywhere"
I wipe away the salt tears with the sleeve of my second-hand robe. My feelings are silent again, they have fled me and left a big black hole. I prefer it this way, I can comfort Harry when I am like this and live on as if nothing has happened.
The stones against my back are cold and I start to shiver, even though it is the middle of the summer. Restlessly I get up and start walking again, away from the castle, towards the lake. After a few steps I cannot keep the memories away, but in a sudden reckless moment I decide to give in to them. What's done is done. What's happened has happened. That is one thing you learn, growing up in a war. You cannot bring back the dead.
When I arrive at the shore of the lake I halt again and stare over the water.
This is where Sirius found me after the ball, when I had run away desperately. This is where he put his hands around my face and whispered he was sorry, that he understood now, that he finally knew what he really felt. This is where we first kissed...
I can still feel his mouth upon mine. I think we have kissed under every possible circumstance. Pure joy, ultimate sadness, infinite grieve... He kissed me, he kissed away my tears, he tasted salt then. I can still feel it. Here we came so often after that first time. In the beginning we tried to do it in secret, but when slowly the realisation came that life was now or never, that there might not be a future for any of us, we told the world. I remember with a smile how disappointed girls looked at us. I knew they were sad because Sirius was now not available anymore, but he always told me it was me they were sad about.
He held me closely after bad moonlit nights. He would always carry me to the Hospital Wing, carefully, tenderly. When we were together he would often put his arms around me and hug me, say he loved me. He had never said that to anyone before, but to me he said it every day.
He also told me he would always be there for me. He said: "A day may come when I am gone. You know what can happen. But I will always be there for you, I will always love you."
I call you now, but you lied. You're not anywhere.
"I know that the night must end
And that the sun will rise
I know that the clouds must clear
And that the sun will shine"
The pain never goes away.
But there will come a time when you can accept what has happened,
and think back with joy to your days together.
The pain never goes away,
but neither does your memory of him.