Wandering Heart
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Dawson's Creek.
Coupling: Pacey/Andie
Rating: Pg-13
Shout Outs: To my friend Jo for proofing and to ellasblues for her encouragement.
Summary: This starts with the Friday morning when Pacey visits Andie then jumps back to the start of the story to give Joey's POV.
Chapter Five: Those left behind
Coming back to Andie's place was a relief. He had called Dawson back and they had sorted out things between them. Dawson wasn't happy that Pacey had left Joey again but he now understood at least in part. Pacey deliberately left out the major reason, that being Joey's continuing unresolved feelings for Dawson also known as the triangle. Pacey reasoned that it was better to let that alone for now. Somehow as he always did, Dawson managed to turn Pacey's action into a problem at his forthcoming wedding. As usual Pacey sadly reflected it always ended up being about Dawson.
Listening to Dawson prattle on it sounded to Pacey like Dawson was almost thinking through a way to break off the engagement. It was as if Dawson was trying out different reason to see which one fit. Pacey had a sinking feeling that his hunch was correct. He felt sorry for Alana. She'd get hurt and never know the real reason. Dawson certainly would not give it to her. Perhaps Joey would be the only one to ever truly know.
He'd made sure to get flowers and chocolate. She had let him into her building and he came up in the lift. When he got to her door he knocked, then held them in front of him. All Andie could see was a pair of legs behind a huge bunch of flowers and heart-shaped box of chocolates.
"I'm sorry, you better leave quickly. My boyfriend is about to arrive. He's a big hunky guy who is not afraid to defend my honour."
"You're hilarious McPhee."
"Oh it's you Pacey. I thought it was George my tennis instructor."
"I know this sparring is just like old times Andie, but could you cut me a break honey and take these flowers from me?"
She giggled and reached for the flowers. She turned and headed towards the kitchen while Pacey followed her. When she put the flowers down on the counter, he swept her into an embrace and kissed her urgently.
"I've been waiting to do that since I left you on Sunday McPhee."
Andie was breathless from the kiss. "I didn't think I'd miss you as much as I did. I've had a hard time focusing on work this week Pacey."
"You're not the only one McPhee." He toyed with the flowers on the counter. "You know I have told Dawson about us?"
"Really? When?"
"When I called him last night. He was surprised but even more interested in the fact that Joey was alone." Pacey pulled her into another hug and kissed her again with small gentle kisses along her neck. Andie gently moaned.
"Oh, that's nice...why am I not surprised. Do you think that they are going to try and be together again?"
"Wouldn't surprise me McPhee." She cupped his face in her hands and kissed him passionately. As she broke the kiss she murmured, "You know Pacey, my bed's been pretty empty this week." She waggled her eyebrows at him. But just as he was going to carry her into the bedroom Pacey noticed a change in her.
Andie's smile had faded. After the initial rush of having Pacey back in her arms the nagging doubts that had been in the back of her mind surfaced. The anxiety showed clearly on her face and she began to twist the wrapping the flowers came in around her fingers in a nervous gesture. He let her go and lifted her face to his.
"What's wrong McPhee? Andie?"
"Pacey," she sighed, "look, I just...it's just that everything is happening so quickly and when I think I have a handle on things it gets away from me. Pacey I feel so guilty that I am hurting Joey by being with you." She started babbling a sure sign of her state of mind. "Look there's Dawson and Jack and Joey and everyone else that is in our lives. I mean, what are we doing? I'm so in love with you Pacey yet I feel that I'm not being fair to Joey. And it's all rushed and we're making plans and a week ago was the only the second time we'd actually really talked in five years and-
"Slow down, slow down Andie. Don't you know that I am feeling the same things too? But I'm not going to pass this once-in-a-lifetime chance to make a real life with you McPhee. You have to know that what we have between us is real, it's right and I wish it happened without someone getting hurt but a part of love is always about someone getting hurt or missing out. And I wasn't going to miss out on you again Andie. I lost years that I could have been with you and I know I can't get those years back but I'm not going to miss out on being with you anymore. The only thing that comforts me is the fact that this may finally get Dawson and Joey together. We should hope that this time around that they may get over themselves and save us a lot of heartache and angst." He smiled at her hoping some of his confidence would rub off on her.
"You're pretty confident about their prospects aren't you?" She smiled back, feeling his arms close around her and that sense of security and warmth flood her senses.
"Andie I know Joey and I know Dawson, they need this kind of drama to spur them into action. I guarantee that in a few weeks this will have settled down and we'll all be happy."
"You know I almost called Joey this week." Andie slowly rocked herself from side to side in his arms.
"And why didn't you?"
I didn't know what to say...I mean, 'oh hi Joey, by the way I'm back with Pacey bye'. I don't think she would ever speak to me again and I don't like having people who hate me Pacey." He knew what she meant. Andie always liked to liked. He remembered her and Abby. In spite of Abby's cruel nature, Andie was always trying to reach out to her.
"Andie, no matter what we do, someone will end up hurt. I don't want it to be me or you. We've had too much heartache in our lives." He led her out of the kitchen and guided her towards the couch.
But Pacey-"She sat down. Pacey poured a drink for them both and walked over and sat beside Andie. He leaned back and she turned to face him.
"Andie how long have you been carrying a torch for me? You never stopped loving me while I pursued Joey. I remember at every step you were the encouraging one, making me move forwards when I knew that you still had feelings for me. I'm sorry that I never realised how much you still felt about us."
Andie smiled. "Pacey it wouldn't have made any difference if I tired to stop you. From that moment Dawson sent you to look after Joey, your hearts were on a collision course. All I did was learn to get out of the way. Whatever we were Pacey, I like to have thought that we were friends and as my friend, I only ever wanted to see you happy."
"I know. And I am right now, McPhee. Truly happy."
"But for how long? I'm sorry Pacey but I just fear that this is temporary until you sort out your feelings for her. And then I am left behind while you go back." Andie's eyes were welling up with tears. This fear that she had tried to deny was too strong. Pacey had to see what she was feeling. Pacey pulled her into his arms, and stroked her hair while she sobbed on his shoulder.
He murmured, "Andie, believe in me as I believe in you, that's all I can ask you to do. I know what would happen if I went back."
Andie lifted her head and looked him in the face. "What?"
"Things would be ok for a while, but then the same feelings would come back and if I saw you again I would not stop thinking of you and feel so guilty that I end up hating myself so much that I would rapidly become even more bitter and miserable when you found me. Andie, she ran away from Chris after two years. How long to you think I would get with her before she departed me?"
"But she always said it was true love. "
"Yeah but not real love Andie." He had the falling in love thing but to be honest, there was not much beyond that.
Andie didn't reply. She sat there looking anxious and moved into an embrace again. Pacey made her feel safe, comfortable, and warm and most of all loved. But the thought kept at her, what if Joey felt the same way? Could she do this to her?
After Pacey left Joey didn't leave the apartment for three days. She had begged off work on Friday and spent the time in her bedroom or the lounge. She moved between crying, screaming and sobbing while rocking herself gently. It was over. Just like that he'd left. Gone with no real explanation. Those words he spoken weren't real. This was a big cosmic joke and at any time he'd walk back through that door and sweep her into his arms and kiss her the way that made her tingle. This was Pacey. She'd made her choice. Chris had understood that she didn't want to get married and he'd done the decent thing and signed over the apartment to her. When he had left she could see how devastated he was but what could she do? She wasn't ready for marriage and she didn't want Dawson.
Watching The Creek religiously proved that Dawson and she were never meant to be together. It seemed looking back, every time they made an effort to be romantically involved, something happened. If it wasn't that urgent need to find herself, it was the fact her father resumed drug dealing or falling in love with Pacey, or the guys she'd met in college and lastly, finding out about Natasha the morning after her and Dawson had finally slept together. And anyway, the Sam character was not like her at all. She wasn't that fickle and self-involved. It was like the fates had decided that they were never to be joined as a couple. But Pacey was different. She loved him, needed him and now he was gone. It was worse than the senior prom. The only difference being that this time there was no audience. No screaming match. Pacey had said his piece and just left.
She'd spent hours lying on the bed inhaling his scent. Looking at the things he'd left behind; the photos of them, the mementos of their time together. She couldn't work out why he'd not taken them .Didn't she mean anything to him anymore? What had she done? Why did she deserve this? Was this some huge karma payback? For what? The more Joey tried to find an answer the more she knew that there was none. He'd stood there and ripped her heart out and then stamped on it. Who could she talk to? Dawson? Hardly likely as he might think this was a chance to play the hero again. Jack? Would he care? Andie? The hardest of all. Did she know if Pacey had left her? Wouldn't she be as excited as Dawson that Pacey was now free? This is where she missed Jen the most. At least Jen had some distance from the players in this drama.
By Saturday afternoon she gathered what courage she had and rang Bessie.
"Potter's Bed and Breakfast. Bessie speaking."
"Hi"
"Joey? You sound awful. What's up? Are you sick?"
"No. He's left me."
"Who?"
"Pacey. He doesn't love me anymore and he's left and I don't know where he is."
"What happened Jo? I thought you two were happy?"
"So did I, but he's still convinced that I have feelings for Dawson and he's playing on his own insecurities. It's like we're back in high school."
He's right Joey. He feels it because you have feelings for Dawson Joey thought Bessie. "Have you spoken to Doug?"
"Why?"
"Maybe he's staying with Doug. Why don't you call him and try and talk to Pacey?"
There was silence on the phone as Joey thought through her options. Calling Doug wasn't her first choice but at least she needed to know where he was. Was there anything she could say that would bring him back?
"Joey?"
"What?" she said in an annoyed voice.
"Ring him. Pacey's probably there trying to sort things out. This all could just a hiccup Jo. With all the drama you two get involved in can it be anything else?"
Joey said good bye and hung up. She moaned at doing this thing she really had no interest in doing. She didn't what to ring her boyfriend's – Hang on she thought is that ex-boyfriend?- brother to ask where he was. She didn't feel like giving him an explanation.
Sighing heavily she dialled Doug's number.
"Hello, Doug Witter."
"Hey Doug, it's Joey. "
"Hey Joey. What can I do for you?"
"Is Pacey there?"
"No. Why?
"It's ok." Joey sighed and Doug realised that there was a lot more she wasn't saying.
"What's wrong Joey? You two had a fight?"
With these words, Joey's self control faded.
She began to sob. "It's...he's gone. He doesn't love me...he said it wasn't love..."
"Pacey? Joey why would he do that?"
"Dawson." Joey replied.
"Dawson?" Doug wondered what this had to do with Dawson.
"Yeah. He thinks I still love Dawson even though he's involved with Alana. You know he read my emails?"
"What for ?"
"I don't know. But he saw an email from Dawson asking me to come out to LA and produce with him and Pacey thought that I was insisting that he drop everything and move with me. It wasn't like that." Joey began openly crying.
"Joey. Pacey is an idiot ok. Look if he turns up here I will talk to him and we can sort this ok? Why don't you take some time off and come up here and see Bessie?"
"I can't Doug. I have to do some presentations on Monday."
"Look Joey, it will be ok. I'll work on Pacey and we'll get it sorted out ok?
"Ok Doug. I better go."
"Bye Joey."
"Bye Doug."
Joey collapsed back onto the couch and sobbed. Once she managed to stop herself she looked around the apartment and the realisation hit her that with Pacey gone she would have to move out and find somewhere else to live. Her editor's salary was not enough to pay the rent and live. She and Chris had been ok and it was only because Pacey had a good income that she was able to keep the apartment after she broke up with Chris. Now that was not possible she sadly thought. Maybe this was for the best. Was this the fates driving her to LA? And then there was Alana. Dawson has emailed a picture to her and Joey swore that Alana was a carbon copy of her. Same hair, same eyes, same height; no wonder Dawson feel for her. It was like having his own Joey clone in LA. But why did he ask me to come out there?
Joey gathered the cheque and papers that Pacey had left for her. She sat at her desk and with a blank piece of paper worked out how long she could stay in this apartment. With Pacey's money, she had roughly six weeks to find somewhere else to live or to resign from HarperCollins and move to LA. Looking out the window she thought to herself that it was going to be a long six weeks whatever decision she made.
She left her desk and headed for the bedroom. It was getting late. As she climbed into bed she let her thoughts turn to Pacey. She wondered where he was and who he was with. It's not fair he should be with me she thought. She tried to relax by thinking back to the summer her and Pacey had sailed away on True Love. Finding a happy thought, Joey managed to close her eyes and sleep.