The wonderful and fabulous KiraMowett has done it again. R&R to her please.

The Very Secret Diary of Barret Bonden, Coxswain

Day 1: Attacked by French. Nearly got blown away at the wheel, but did great work pulling ship into fog. Captain Aubrey ordered an extra ration of rum for me. Go me! But Lord Blakeney lost an arm, and Cousin Joe whacked on head and may not survive. Am v. worried. Stupid French. Need much cuddling from Doudle tonight...

Day 2: Grog v. good...Doudle so cute...hmmm...passes out

Day 3: The Doctor actually opened up Cousin Joe's head and messed with his brains! V. grossed out. But I did have a great view of Doudle's arse...

Day 7: Cousin Joe still not speaking. Am v. upset. Not that he really talks much anyway...

I really need to keep my voice down...Faster and I were having a little fun in a vacant cabin...and Mowett, Nagle, the sailing master, and a few others heard us. Now the name "Faster Doudle" has a new meaning for the Surprise's crew. Mowett was first disgusted, then amused...he can laugh all he wants, I don't see him getting any!

Day 8: Cousin Joe is talking again. Minus side is he's blabbering on and on about the ship carrying a "Jonah". I think he means Hollum...poor Nagle won't like that.

Day 9: Lost Warley today. Stupid storm. Stupid Cape Horn. Nagle v. sad...Warley was his best mate. I'd comfort him, but Faster would be jealous...

Day 12: Sometimes I wish the Doctor had never taught me to read and write. He just gave me a book to practice with...but did not realize it was his own diary. Ick. I so did not need the mental images of what he wants to do to the Captain in my head...but it's better than the rumours I've heard about Captain Howard and his guns (heard Mowett freaking out about that one) or Killick and the Captain's silver.

Day 13: Galapagos v. pretty. Good place for Doudle and me to get some private time...

Day 14: Picked up some whalers who said they were attacked by Acheron. So we're going after them with no stop at G. Am v. disappointed. Stupid whalers. Stupid Acheron. Stupid Doctor and Captain fighting...

Day 16: Stuck in doldrums now. Stupid doldrums. Hot and dry. Plus side is Faster is shirtless most of the time. Minus side is Cousin Joe still going on about the "Jonah". Hollum getting nervous. Nagle getting frustrated.

Mowett tried to cheer us up by doing a scene from Nelson: The Musical. Nude high kicks amusing, but Awkward Davies and his mates tried to beat him off, so he quit. Stupid Davies. Am v. disappointed as Mowett has a rather nice arse.

Speaking of Mowett...he really shouldn't check out the captain's arse so much. The Doctor will kill him if he tries anything...

Day 18: Nagle constantly whining about Hollum standing him up again. Cousin Joe won't shut up about Hollum being a Jonah. We're all starting to believe it now...

Day 23: Nagle flogged because he shoved Hollum. Doudle and I tried to cheer him up beforehand, but he said he enjoyed a flogging. Was v. disappointed that he only got 12 lashes. V. odd...but whatever turns you on...

Day 24: Hollum drowned himself. Rumour has it that Little Lord One Arm actually pushed him (he is aiming for promotion after all)...People took that Jonah thing way too seriously. Am feeling v. guilty. Nagle v. sad. May invite him for threesome...he does have a nice arse. At least Mr Lamb is always grabbing it!

Doctor accidently shot by Captain Howard!! So we're going back to the Galapagos after all, so he can do surgery on himself. Shore leave! Smart Howard!!

Day 26: Having a ball at Joe and his mates made a verrrrrry nice drink from the local plants...better than grog. Doudle so cute playing cricket. Got annoyed with people yelling "Faster Doudle, faster" and then sniggering.

Don't wanna leave...so nice...drinky so good...passes out

Day 28: Doctor and Little Lord One Arm spotted Acheron, so the chase is on again. Stupid Doctor. Changing ship into a whaler. It is v. ugly. Hate the clothes we have to wear.

Day 30: We defeated the Acheron. Lots of prize money for all. But...my Doudle was killed. Stupid Acheron. Stupid French. Don't care about prize money. Stupid prize money. Am v. lonesome now...Nagle dead too. Mowett v. unhappy. Maybe we can hook up...

Pullings going away with Acheron. Am v. glad as I was sick of his nancing around the ship all the time. What, does he think he's the prettiest or something?

The end!!