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Chapter 17
It started with voices. Distant, muttering voices.
So much noise, jumbled, pulling him in all directions…the passengers of the Stromos, all fighting to be heard…
No. Different. Ancient. So long ago…Kemsa. Greyka. Sadji…Whispering voices, soothing him, urging him to understand, to accept and become…
He shook. His own. He was his own.
Self-preservation.
The voices were relentless.
Quiet. Silence. He wished nothing more. He pushed against them, rising above them, fighting for clarity, enough to be heard, enough to gain control and work under the surface…
But more voices…pulling him, bringing him awareness…
No, fight it…He couldn't be distracted. He had too much to do…too much…
"Sir, I think he's coming around."
Daniel moaned softly, opening his eyes carefully. Blobs of green and black blurred in front of his vision, off set by the dancing white lights that bobbled above him. Vaguely, they reminded him of something. The stark contrast of light and dark. But painful. The dark held more comfort.
Slowly, Daniel closed his eyes.
"Hey, you wanna get the Doc over here?"
Voices…the lights. They reminded him of Las Vegas. That time when…Jack.
Jack. That sounded like Jack. Jack was here? Within him? Tangled in the voices that clouded his mind?
Grunting, Daniel willed his eyes open. The blobs were sharpening, drawing themselves into focus, and attempting to constitute human form. But just when Daniel thought they would jell into something of substance, they would distort, and meld into the background once again.
He concentrated hard, squinting with the intent of forcing them to be clear as he struggled to sit up, pulling his body weight forward. He regretted it instantly. The white, green, and black started to whirl together into one, like paint smeared randomly across a wall.
Not to mention the newly found throbbing that pounded at his skull.
It was all a blur. His mind, his vision, his memory. And beyond that, the inexplicable ache of loneliness that caused him to tremble.
Why was everything so hazy?
That feeling of numbness…of contentment. He had to fight it. He had to stay aware.
"Hey, easy."
Now, that was Janet. Why was Janet here?
Daniel felt himself lowered back down. Before he had a chance to try to refocus, there was a burning flash in his eyes. He winced, swatting Janet away.
"See?" Jack said. "I told you those pen lights are useless."
Janet just ignored the comment. "How are you feeling?" she asked Daniel.
Uh…he had to actually think about that one. He didn't know. It all felt so strange. He felt as if he were detached, separate from himself. He was vaguely aware that he was involved in something important and it tickled the back of his mind, taunting him relentlessly.
Irritated. Anxious. But he also felt surprising light, like something had been taken away from him, or like he'd lost some vital organ.
Frowning, he slipped his hand down his side, pressing at the faint scar from his appendectomy. No…
"Con-confused," he stammered, wincing painfully at the soreness in his throat.
"Your throat hurt?" she asked him gently.
He found he couldn't answer. His confusion was too great, forcing him to retreat into his thoughts as he attempted to make sense of everything.
An illusion? None of this could be real. It had to be another trick, a way to try to break down his defenses. He wouldn't be fooled. He wouldn't crack. He had to keep fighting, keep persuading. He couldn't lose concentration now.
"No, no. I need you to keep your eyes open," Janet urged him. "I think the remnants of the nishta-like substance and the toxin in his system may be affecting his ability to stay focused," he heard her say, her voice seeming far and distant. A squeeze to his arm brought him back to partial awareness. "I just have to ask you a few questions, okay?" she asked.
Despite his confusion, Daniel found himself nodding to the small blob beside him.
Questions? Daniel had so many questions. They wouldn't distract him. But he had to stay persistent.
"Can you tell me your name?"
I can't do this, he thought. I need to be left alone. I need to concentrate. I need to work.
"Why?" Daniel asked hoarsely.
"Because she asked you, that's why," Jack said from somewhere to his left. "So, just play nice."
"Your name, please," Janet prodded gently.
He sighed again. Closing his eyes, he tried to will the pain away, wishing he could silence the noise buzzing all around him, and just drift off to peaceful oblivion. There, he could think. There, he could work.
He was roused by the touch of a hand on his forearm.
"Hey," Janet said gently, "I need you to stay with me for a minute, okay?"
Daniel nodded groggily, biting his lips as each bob brought on another stab of pain.
"Daniel Jackson."
"Okay," Janet said. "Birth—"
Daniel leaned his head back, squeezing his eyes shut, blocking them out. He felt so dizzy, so out of place, so…irritable. He couldn't really explain why. But the fact that he didn't know what was bothering him was bothering him even more.
"Daniel, I need you to stay with us a little longer," Janet urged gently.
"No, shh, I promised…" he found himself muttering.
"Daniel, I need you to open your eyes and answer some more questions," Janet continued. "Not much longer, okay?"
"Just hold on a little longer…" he muttered.
They were there…trying to convince him otherwise. He would not fall for it. He knew what was happening. Did they know? Did they know what he was planning?
Quiet. Silence.
"Do you know where you are?" Janet asked him.
Where? Huh?
Then, it dawned on him. He actually wasn't really sure where he was. He assumed it was the SGC. It had to be the SGC. But was he really in the infirmary?
SGC? Egypt? P9R-139?
Daniel gasped, as clarity started to burn away the fog. Feeling the panic starting to fight its way to the surface, he searched the room. What was going on?
"Daniel?" Sam asked. "You okay?"
"I-I—Where-where am I?" He struggled for air, ignoring the burning in his throat. He needed to keep in control. He needed to fight beyond the illusions. "What kind of trick is this? What—you—?"
"No trick, Daniel," Jack said quietly. "This is real."
"Real?" Daniel was uncertain. Everything felt so real. It couldn't be. "Why?" he asked. So alone. Why did he feel so alone? "Why are you here?"
Sam touched him again, rubbing his arm lightly. He did not flinch, comforted by the soothing motion.
Real. She felt real.
"I know you're going through a lot," she said softly. "Whatever I can do—"
"What?" he asked, his voice trembling. He shook his head, shifting uncomfortably. "No. No. I'm in control."
He heard Jack. "Dan—"
Daniel shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. His head felt as if it would explode, the throbbing was so intense. He needed the silence. He needed to hold on. Time was running out…
He didn't want to see that face grinning back at him, teasing him with thoughts and ideals that would only lead to ruin.
"Daniel," Jack said sternly. "Stay with us."
Struggling to find solace, Daniel tried to curl in on himself, to push away everything. Everything…
Self-preservation.
Sucking in a raspy breath, he found himself stammering. "Dream?"
Silence was his only reply.
"Not a dream?" he ventured anxiously.
"Not a dream," Jack replied in a low voice.
Oh God…
"No!" he shouted, lashing out. "Get it out! Get away from me!"
He was there, taunting him. Offering his knowledge and false promises. Offering Daniel anything he wanted. Anything Daniel could dream, could be his. He offered the security, the solace Daniel had been seeking for so long. They'd walk this road together…
Biting his lip, Daniel screwed his eyes shut until they hurt, ignoring the concerned voices that were floating all around him.
"We are your friends, DanielJackson," Teal'c said softly. "We will remain by your side until you are well once again."
Such warmth…such compassion. It battled the hurt, the scars within him.
He didn't deserve such compassion.
Daniel clenched his fists, his panic mixing with anger. Outraged, his thoughts turned to violation, betrayal, pain…He felt it surging forward, crying to be heard along with the other emotions and feelings—oppression, sadness, guilt, helplessness, regret—that he had felt during his struggle.
It was all real. All of it.
"Where is he!" Daniel cried, straining his voice, as he attempted to charge out of the bed. "Where!"
Before he could utter another word, he was forced down and held into place. Daniel swallowed hard, practicing the breathing exercises he'd learned during his meditations and tried to relax, feeling the warmth of Tealc's hands on his skin.
Where was he…where was he…had he won?
"Gone, Daniel," Sam said softly, sounding as if she might cry. "Thoth is gone now."
Gone. It was over. It was finally over.
He knew the tears would fall one by one. Embarrassed, Daniel inhaled sharply, forcing them back, chastising himself for appearing so weak. Why was he so pathetic? He hated this feeling. He hated Thoth for what he had done to him. Damn his own weakness, his own insecurity.
No. He was strong. He had made it through.
But what was the price? Had he lost himself along the way? Had the time he struggled to reclaim himself and his memories all been for naught?
Why was he feeling this way? Thoth was gone. It was over. Self-preservation, he told himself. Relief? Regret? Mourning?
That last thought sent a chill down his spine, leaving him feeling cold, empty, and alone.
"Daniel?" Sam started, apprehensively.
He refused to look at her. Any of them.
"Go away," he mumbled hoarsely, ignoring the soreness in his throat, closing his eyes.
Daniel jerked, feeling warmth on his cheeks as his glasses were slipped onto his nose. He blinked a couple of times, surprised to see Sam right in his face. Shocked, he pulled back, his eyelashes fluttering rapidly.
"A little space, Major?" Jack stated.
"Sorry, sir." She smiled sheepishly, stepping away from Daniel. "Sorry," she told him.
He forced a smile, partly thankful for his glasses but…
Maybe he could just stay blinded. That way he wouldn't be forced to see the sympathetic faces of his friends.
Look at them. Sam looked as if she would cry. Janet hovered by his side, watching him like a hawk. Teal'c stood stoic and impassive, but Daniel could see beyond the mask he wore. And Jack?
Jack stared at him.
Ashamed, he looked away.
"Colonel O'Neill, I need to have a word with you."
Daniel opened his eyes cautiously, watching with vague interest as his teammates turned to face the door. Daniel had instantly recognized the gravity in General Hammond's voice, noting the same emotions had registered in the faces of his friends.
Daniel found he just didn't care.
Grabbing the bed sheets, he covered himself, creating a wall between him and the outside world. He couldn't face them. Not yet, anyway. Not after all that had happened.
"Uh, General…"
"It's all right, sir, I'll stay with him," Sam said softly to Jack.
"Actually, Major, I would like to see you as well. All of you."
Daniel could hear through the silence, suddenly feeling even more alone. He was once again the outcast, the outsider, separated and alone, like so many times before…
It was silly. He shouldn't feel this way. He knew better. He knew, as he had gained his memories back, he belonged here. He knew that this was his home.
Angry, he balled his fists. What had Thoth done to him?
"With all due respect, sir, I don't—" Janet had begun.
"Then I will remain with DanielJackson."
No one seemed to argue against Teal'c.
Daniel swore, listening as the others left the room, whispering right outside the door.
Of all people to remain behind…
Maybe this wasn't real.
It was real. With a sigh, Daniel knew he couldn't deny it. As the memories started to loosen, and focus, he knew that he'd have to face what he'd done and what had happened to him. He didn't want to deal with this. He didn't want to have to tackle the guilt and the unrest. He didn't want to have to relive the feeling of being trapped, unable to speak no matter how hard he shouted, no matter how hard he concentrated.
At first, he had been detached, numb… relaxed. Daniel fought against it, but would always succumb. He felt as he if he was flung deeper and deeper, further away from himself.
But not entirely…
Then, he had been aware…that last day, he could see and feel everything, but felt powerless to stop it. He'd been there for everything. He just couldn't cope…
Daniel allowed himself a moment to weep, his sobs muffled in his shirtsleeve. In the distance, he could hear his friends talking, and he caught snippets of the conversation. They were discussing his state of mind, the guilt, something about Selmak and brain scans, and what happened in his office.
God, his office.
How could he ever live knowing what happened to Teal'c?
Daniel jerked sharply, attempting to focus his vision from the brightness of the infirmary lights as Teal'c pushed aside the covers.
"Would it be more beneficial to discuss the matters that weight heavily on your heart?"
"No, Teal'c," Daniel mumbled, wincing at the pain in his throat. "Just please…go."
"I will not," Teal'c stated defiantly.
"Fine," Daniel muttered, snatching the sheets back and trying to cover himself. Teal'c's grasp did not lessen.
"Teal'c…"
"You are feeling guilt over the actions of Thoth," Teal'c said evenly. "You must realize these actions were his and not your own."
Shaking his head, Daniel refused to believe it. "You don't understand, Teal'c. I was there. I was right there. I saw everything. I yelled at him to stop…but there was no other way."
"You were a prisoner. You cannot blame yourself for the actions of another."
"I could have stopped him, Teal'c!" Daniel felt the weight of his statement searing his voice. "I didn't. I-I couldn't stop him."
"I believe you have accomplished more than you realize, DanielJackson." Quietly, Teal'c eased himself onto the side of Daniel's bed, his gaze never leaving the younger man. "If it had not been for your efforts, surely Thoth would have terminated my life." He breathed in, bowing slightly. "For this, I am in your debt."
Biting his lip, still shaking his head, Daniel retreated. "Don't say that, Teal'c. I'm—"
"Be silent," Teal'c said gently.
Daniel quieted, uncertain what to say next as Teal'c reached into his pocket and withdrew what appeared to be a small figurine. Curious, Daniel leaned forward, studying the crude statue.
The figurine represented two men, standing side by side, each holding a different weapon or object, which Daniel couldn't make out, their features plain and simple. The wooden statue had a rough, edgy appearance, almost if the figure had been carved in haste. But Daniel had seen enough primitive figurines to know this wasn't the case. Based on the detail of the two men and their closeness, Daniel figured the statue had taken quite some time to finish.
"It is bel'chak," Teal'c informed him.
"Bel'chak…" Daniel murmured, accepting the figure as he studied it more closely. "That's a derivative of…a form of…brotherhood."
"That is correct."
Daniel rolled the stature over his hands, feeling the sharp edges and the smooth curves. The item was breathtaking, almost causing him to forget his pain.
"You made this?" Daniel asked, surprised.
"I did," Teal'c said. His voice swelled with pride as he spoke. "On Chulak, it is customary for Jaffa of various ranks to show their affection to their fellow warriors in the form of material objects. Bel'chak are rare but highly valued. Only those of strong heart are worthy of bel'chak." He raised his eyebrow.
Daniel sucked in a shaky breath, staring at the simple figure. He suddenly understood. "Oh, I can't accept this," he said softly, handing the statue back to Teal'c.
Teal'c smiled, gently wrapping Daniel's fingers around the wooden statue and pressed it to Daniel's chest. "It is not a gift, DanielJackson, but a title and symbol of the bond that exists between us."
Daniel stared opened-mouthed, not knowing what to say. His guilt over what happened to Teal'c conflicted heavily with the joy he felt after receiving such an honored gift. He didn't deserve this. He just didn't deserve it.
"You hesitate," Teal'c said. "There is nothing to forgive. You are my brother, DanielJackson. You are my friend and my teacher. You have instructed me in ways of the mind and the heart. Despite the guilt that weighs on your soul, you are more than worthy of such a title."
Daniel went to answer, but Teal'c shook his head, rising off the bed as the others re-entered the room.
"Speak no more, DanielJackson."
When Teal'c uttered a command, he meant it. Dazed, Daniel hugged the figurine tightly, remaining silent as Janet came to his side. Immediately, she started to take his pulse, holding his wrist firmly, her gaze refusing to meet his own.
Daniel looked once to the machinery that was monitoring his vitals, including his heart rate, and then back to Janet.Feeling decidedly uneasy, Daniel's gaze moved to Sam. She was smiling weakly at him, standing on the other side of his bed, her hand brushing his hair lightly. His unease now bordering on suspicion, he shot a glare to General Hammond and Jack, who were standing at the foot of his bed.
Daniel prepared himself for some silly comment from Jack about Daniel holding dolls, but after two beats of silence, he realized it wasn't going to happen. No sarcastic, irreverent colonel. Just a grim, hard expression.
The peace he had found just moments ago, in the form of distraction, dissolved in a flash. Instead, he was left once again with that unsettled feeling, the pain of what had happened to him, and the powerlessness he had experienced.
"What?" he managed to croak.
Hammond studied him pensively. "I don't know exactly how to say this, Doctor, but—"
"Thoth is dead," Jack said simply, but sternly.
Daniel felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him. Dead? Gone?
"W-wha-?"
"Dead, Daniel. Dead. Dead as a doornail," Jack continued, dismissively.
Daniel shook his head, shocked. "No. No, I mean, the Tok'ra—"
"Jacob is looking into the matter," Hammond informed him. "He just left the base to discuss the circumstances with the High Council."
Wide-eyed, Daniel searched his friends for any kind of guidance, anything to help him understand. But how could they? They couldn't understand.
He felt sorry. He felt alone.
He actually felt grief over the loss of Thoth.
Hating himself even more, Daniel chewed on his lip, trying desperately to hold back the tears.
"H-how?" he stammered.
"We're not sure," Hammond admitted. "But it appears that Thoth perished in transit on route to the Tok'ra base."
Daniel shook his head in denial, still fighting against his emotions. Embarrassed and shamed, Daniel turned away from them. He pleaded, prayed, for anything to push him back into unconsciousness. Anything to escape the feelings that were tearing him apart inside.
"Are you going to be alright, son?" Hammond asked gently. "Anything that we can do to help?"
While Daniel was touched by the general's words, he couldn't bring himself to face him. Not the man in charge of this entire facility. Not to a man he respected and admired, and who had the final say who was fit or not to remain actively involved in the SGC.
In truth, he didn't want any of his friends to see him like this.
"Please," he mumbled, barely over a whisper. "Please just leave me alone for awhile. I just need some time alone."
"Daniel—"
He shook his head at Sam's plea, refusing to look at her. "Please. I just need some time alone."
He felt Janet's grip tighten on his wrist, and he managed to muster enough courage to look at her. She regarded him compassionately, her eyes searching his face.
"I'll be okay," he told her, drawing on his energy reserves. Finally, he turned to face the rest of his friends and teammates. "I'm tired and I'm not much company. I just want to get some rest."
Hammond nodded, averting his gaze as he cleared his throat. "All right. You rest up, Doctor. But you don't hesitate to call us if you need something, you understand?"
Daniel nodded. Even when General Hammond was showing his compassionate side, he still sounded like a general.
If he were in better spirits, he would have found it amusing.
He watched General Hammond leave the room, urging the rest of SG-1 to follow. Part of him sighed in relief, glad solitude and peace were just moments away. But the other part of him…
Jack shoved his hands in his pockets, motioning to the door with a slight nudge of his chin. "You all go on ahead."
Daniel shot Jack a cold look, bristled when Jack ignored him.
"Sir?" Sam asked hesitantly.
"I'll join you in a second. Just go on."
Sam nodded, though Daniel thought he distinctly caught a warning glare heading Jack's way. Quietly, she leaned over Daniel, and kissed him lightly on the forehead. "We'll talk later if you want, okay?" she asked gently.
Daniel found himself nodding in reply, despite the fact he just wanted to be left alone. Though he didn't want to talk and didn't want to dwell on this mess any longer, he knew Sam's heart was in the right place. She might even have some hint of how he felt, due to her experiences with Jolinar. And how could he say no when she was trying so hard to be supportive?
She forced a smile and squeezed his shoulder, before heading toward the exit, Teal'c following behind her. Janet squeezed Daniel's hand lightly before joining Teal'c and Sam outside the room.
Once they were gone, Daniel spoke. "What part of 'leave me alone' do you not understand?" he asked irritably.
"You didn't actually mean it," Jack told him. If Daniel's throat wasn't so sore, he would have torn Jack apart, in several different languages, in fact. But even before Daniel could contemplate where to begin, Jack continued. "Besides, there's a lot to talk about, that's why."
Daniel licked his lips, feeling more anxious than before. "Is there? We both know what happened."
"Do we?" Jack brought his gaze to be level with Daniel.
Daniel narrowed his eyes in return. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"I thought you'd be happy that Thoth was dead. Now, he can't mess around with anyone else."
Daniel cast his gaze downward, afraid Jack would see the doubt that he felt so strongly.
"See? I knew it. Are you actually feeling sorry for him?" Jack asked incredulously.
"He wasn't all bad, Jack," Daniel argued. "He was more talk than anything. I saw-I saw and felt a different side of him. He was…He was just-just a little confused. Misunderstood."
"Ah, no no." Jack's glare was hard. "He was a Goa'uld, Daniel. A Goa'uld. Just like all the rest. Whatever you felt or saw—a trick. An illusion."
"No," Daniel whispered. "You're wrong. He was different. He wasn't like the Goa'uld." Daniel inhaled sharply, ignoring the startled expression on Jack's face, remembering all that happened between himself and Thoth: their struggle, their pleas, and their discourse. "He just needed to understand. Understand there is always another way."
Jack licked his lips, taking another step forward. The man was obviously agitated, and Daniel got the impression he trying his best to think of a way to convince Daniel otherwise.
"A snake is a snake, Daniel."
"I'm sure the Tok'ra would be happy to hear that."
Jack gave a short laugh. "Don't get me started. You know how I feel about them." He paused, shaking his head. "Thoth took you without you even knowing it. He abused you. He was calculating and arrogant. A Goa'uld."
"No, Jack. Misguided. He was misguided. He just needed to learn."
Daniel's own words shocked himself. If this has happened a few years ago, he couldn't imagine thinking this way. He couldn't imagine any sympathy for a Goa'uld or even a clone of one. Had he changed that much?
"Daniel," Jack stressed, waving his hand out to the side. "He was in your head. He could have compromised you without you even knowing it! Most of these past few days we were struggling to get through to you! He wouldn't even let us in. And the couple of times I think we started to get somewhere, you didn't even know what was happening!"
Averting his gaze, Daniel sighed inwardly, feeling his hands begin to tremble. Jack always held a more logical and practical outlook on the world, a sense of realism that would often shock him from his more idealistic ideologies.
He didn't want to admit that Jack could be right this time. He couldn't accept that.
"You don't understand," Daniel mumbled, keeping the tears at bay. "I promised him. I promised him I'd do what I could to protect him, to save him."
"Why would you do that?' Jack asked, exasperated. "He took over you and wouldn't let go!"
Jack couldn't understand. There was no way Jack could accept what he had to say. If Daniel hadn't experienced it himself, he wouldn't have believed it either.
"I know this is hard for you to understand, and believe me, it's hard for me to understand, too. But there was something else there. There was something that made him more than just another Goa'uld," Daniel stated, his voice full of passion. "He understood…things. He just needed a context for them. He needed conscience and morality to help him understand all the knowledge he contained." Daniel studied Jack imploringly. "I know you saw it, too."
Jack frowned, startled by the statement. He had seen it. Daniel knew. He had been there when it happened.
"Daniel, listen to me." Jack swallowed hard, his tone demanding. "I read his journal. Do you know what he had planned? He was going to use you to set up a lab here, in the SGC. He was going to go on, pretending to be you, and you'd have been trapped. Just so he could continue his experiments."
Daniel shook his head. He didn't want to hear this. He didn't care.
"You're wrong, Jack."
"It's in his journal! He wrote it!"
"That was before!" Daniel winced at the pain in his throat, the throbbing in his head. "That-that was before I could—"
"What? Teach him? Before you could teach him to be human?" Jack shook his head. "I don't buy it. We've seen Tanith. We know that can't happen."
"This is different," Daniel retorted, between clenched teeth.
"It's not!" Jack shouted, pointing at Daniel. "He used Sha're to get to you!"
"No! You don't get it, Jack!" Daniel fully ignored his pain at this point. "I used Ma'at to get to him!"
Daniel knew the shaking in his body was now beyond his control. But he didn't care anymore. He felt better. He felt more in control.
Jack was speechless. Shifting his weight awkwardly, he paused, no doubt searching for the right words.
"It's true," Daniel admitted, beating him to the push. "I'm no better than he was."
"No, don't say that," Jack snapped, cutting him off. "You're not like them. You'll never be like them. Okay? You got that? This is not your fault. It's—"
Jack paused. Daniel noticed he was rubbing his hands together, his gaze bouncing from object to object, the standard sign that he was extremely uncomfortable. If Jack has his way, he'd start to play with the nearest thing he could find.
Daniel inhaled sharply, feeling his mind and body being to slide into panic. That was it. He was no better than the Goa'uld. Even before he had fully realized what was happening…Daniel shivered, despising his actions. He'd used Ma'at. He'd used many of Thoth's memories to try to subvert control. He was no better than the Goa'uld. He was just…Gasping loudly, he bowed his head, willing himself to calm down.
"Hey. Hey." Jack's voice was surprisingly calm, even soothing. Daniel breathed out, feeling the older man's steady hand on his shoulder. "It's fine now. He's gone."
"I'm just as—"
"Daniel." Jack's voice was gentle, but firm, his gaze never wavering. "You did good. You never gave up. You did what you needed to do to survive." He cleared his throat. "You're a strong man, Daniel. And-and it's not that I doubt you, or your abilities, it's just…." His voice trailed off as he squeezed harder.
"What?" Confused, Daniel thought he would burst. He was angry with Jack but at the same time moved by his concern. "If you don't doubt me, then why can't you believe me? Why can't you understand? Why can't you accept that maybe I am strong enough to fight the Goa'uld and win on my own terms?"
Jack withdrew sharply, a scowl creasing his worn face. Irritated, he walked away for a moment, before turning to face him again. "It's not that."
"Then what is it? What can't you—?"
"Daniel!" Jack shouted, stepping in close. "I wasn't about to let some other alien take you away from me—from us—again!"
Stunned, Daniel found no words to reply.
He hadn't thought about the impact he might have had on his friends. He hadn't even considered the hardships they were going through these past few days. He hadn't even thought about the repercussions of his earlier decisions, back in that hard point of his life.
He used to pride himself on his ability to put others first.
But he kept pushing it aside, locking up his emotions, keeping them safe. Just so he wouldn't hurt anymore. So he couldn't hurt them anymore.
"How are the others?" Daniel said at last.
"Doing fine. They're still unconscious or asleep, but Fraiser says they're pull through. Probably won't remember a damn thing though."
Daniel nodded solemnly. At least they would be okay.
"Uh," Jack began, bringing Daniel out of his thoughts. He eased himself into a nearby chair, rolling up quietly to Daniel's left side, placing his hand on Daniel's shoulder. "You okay? Really?"
"No," Daniel blurted out honestly. "But I will be. Eventually. This is all…a bit of a shock to me. All that's happened. Some of it's clear. Some of it's blurry, like a dream. Doesn't even seem real."
"Yeah, um, well."
"Look, Jack, I'm-I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this, you know, I didn't realize—"
Jack swore, withdrawing his hand away from Daniel quickly. Startled with the sudden outburst, Daniel could only stare, too tired to even bother with the many possibly theories for Jack's behavior.
"Jack?"
"Quit apologizing for everything," Jack muttered, rubbing his face. "Damn, you make everything so difficult."
Daniel blinked at him.
"I know I haven't been my rosy little self lately, and it's got nothing to do with you. Nothing, okay?"
"Okay," Daniel answered quietly.
"Okay." Jack nodded. "I just got some-some issues or something that I've got to work out. By myself. It wasn't meant to um—" He sighed, glaring at the wall. "You know, hurt your feelings or anything."
"Why would it hurt my feelings?" Daniel asked uncertainly. Part of him felt terrified and wished he could just crawl under the covers and keep his impenetrable shield intact. The other part of him felt something nagging at the back of his head, like he was meant to say something.
"Cause I know. I just know." With another sigh and a curse, Jack came back to his seat and wheeled it close to the bed. "I'm sorry I couldn't keep all my promises, Daniel. I'm sorry that I keep letting you down. Just don't-don't—"
Daniel smiled, feeling that hollowness inside start to shrink. "I'm not going to leave again, Jack."
Jack breathed out and nodded, licking his lips as he bowed his head. Suddenly, Jack appeared years younger, Daniel mused, pondering how just a few simple words could create change that ran so deeply.
It was as if the last of the burden had been lifted, and Daniel felt it as well.
Swallowing hard, Daniel closed his eyes, his mind rolling over the events of the past few days. As the toxin dissipated, he figured he would feel more, remember more, and understand the ache that seemed to touch his soul. Maybe they would never figure out what Thoth's true intentions were. But Daniel was certain he had gotten through to him. Certain he had left an imprint on the cloned symbiote's mind.
But even if he never knew the truth, he felt lighter, more content. Strangely, he felt as if he had been steered onto a new path, one that allowed himself to begin to connect all the hardships from that time before his death, to this awkward time after. He was man enough to understand that all his friends needed him, and this healing process, as much as he needed them. He had started to theorize that maybe this was a delayed reaction to his death and resurrection. Now, all of them could start to heal again. Together.
Maybe Thoth truly was a teacher, after all.
Just one last thing troubled his mind…
Daniel opened his eyes, roused from his thoughts as he felt Jack's hand slip onto his shoulder. Jack squeezed it gently, reassuringly, causing Daniel to smile once again. He closed his eyes, feeling the emptiness in his chest begin to be replaced with a sense of peace when he heard Jack's words.
"Rest up. Just remember, Danny, not alone. Never alone."