Oh...

Something's gumming up the plumbing

Poor Luigi's in a bind

Killer Turtles out to get him

Creepy crabs are right behind

Fighter Flies, jeepers yipes!

They're all coming out the pipes!

"Mario, where are you?!"

It's Atari Mario Bros.!

With Mario from Donkey Kong, his brother Luigi, and lots of crazy creatures! And it's twice the fun when two play at once, 'cause you need all the help you can get!

"Mario, where are you?!"

Immediately after comes a commercial for SpikeTV's newest show.

Now the Humble Announcer returns with, "Let's get back in the game on MXC! Time to rejoin the battle; who will win between Nintendo's heroes and villains?"

As the hosts' booth reappeared, Kenny held the switchbox for his microphone in his hand and fiddled with it. "Can you hear me now?" he asked Vic.

"Nope," Vic responded.

"Not good," Kenny replied. Then he hit it. "Stupid microphone!"

In turn, Vic smacked Kenny atop his head with the paper fan again. "Kenny!" Vic barked, "Don't be such a baby. Go get yourself another one while I tell everybody about the next game."

"Awww," Kenny whined, "But Legal Maze is one of my favorites, Vic! I don't wanna miss it, I don't wanna!"

"Okay, okay," Vic sighed, "You can do it during our next commercial break. All right?"

"Yay!" Kenny smiled brightly.

"But before that," Vic quickly interjected, "I must admit we've had a true first here on MXC. The Blistering Wall of Death has resulted in a dead heat. Thus, no bonus points have been awarded, and both sides start with a tied score of zero."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Kenny waved impatiently, "Let's go to the Legal Maze already." In a rare burst of semi-professionalism, Kenny leaned forward toward the camera eagerly and launched into his description. "As you can see from this overhead view, our honeycomb maze is made of lots and lots of doors. There's only one way in and one safe way out. Our three big, buff, burly doormen are ready to comb the maze and help the contestants find the unsafe ways out."

"That's right," Vic agreed, "And we start things off with everybody's favorite elf, Link!"

The tall elfin teenager, clad in white tights and green tunic, stopped to try and scrape some mud off his knee-length boots at the maze's entrance. The Captain observed, "Nice hat." Link nodded silently, making the aforementioned green stocking adorning his head bob cheerfully. But Link missed some of the mud and slipped a little as he stepped up to the maze door. The Captain's quick and sure grip on his back meant that Link didn't fall. Instead, Link smiled firmly at the camera and nodded thanks to The Captain. With a little grin of his own and an inclination of his head, The Captain barked out, "Let's go!" And thus Link marched into the maze.

"Strong, silent type, isn't he?" Vic mused, "Say, Kenny, what are you wiping your brow like that for?"

"I'm just glad to see the real Link," Kenny said wholeheartedly, "I was afraid we'd have that crappy Celda stuff in our competition instead."

Vic smacked Kenny with the paper fan; face alight with righteous indignation. "Even we here at MXC have some standards, Kenny!"

"Wait, Vic, look," Kenny pointed toward the camera's continuing overhead view of the maze, "Link isn't running around much."

Vic considered it thoughtfully for a second before replying, "No, he seems to be systematically searching the maze."

"Ha!" Kenny laughed, "He thinks he's in his own game!"

"Indeed," Vic agreed, "but if he thinks our doormen will be as easy to defeat as Ganondorf's henchmen, he has another think coming."

"Here come the doormen!" Kenny chortled, "Link's not even trying to run away! Hey, wait—he's drawn his sword!!"

"I wonder if this sort of thing is covered in our workman's comp," Vic wondered aloud, "Our coworkers are unarmed, after all."

"But wait, Vic! One swipe and Link's sword has broken into a bazillion pieces! He's getting manhandled by our guys and shoved headfirst out a wrong door, right into our simmering pool of swamp gas!" Kenny cried. He turned to his cohost with astonishment written all over his clean-cut face. "How did that happen? I thought you said the contestants could do everything they could in their games! Link's sword never breaks like that! It looked like it was made of cheap plastic or something!"

Vic looked just as surprised as he stared straight out toward the monitor letting them see the maze. "I'm just as dumbfounded as you, Kenny. Well, regardless, Link has been eliminated. Let's go to The Captain and our next contestant."

The Captain was smiling broadly as he leaned on a sturdy steel (not to mention real) sword he'd recently acquired. Nobody noticed, since everybody was watching the massive form of Ganondorf Dragmire lumber up. Aside from being fully dressed in black clothing and a sweeping dark red cape, Ganondorf could easily pass for The Incredible Hulk's stunt double. Pointedly, Ganondorf put his even bigger, even thicker, even broader sword down in front of him next to The Captain's. The two men stared each other and up down; a little smirk coloring Ganondorf's features.

The Captain was not amused.

"Whoa, Vic," Kenny observed, "Looks like The Captain's got a case of sword envy."

"Ganondorf is rather impressive, Kenny," Vic admitted.

The Captain's face was tight as he said, "Get it on!" and beckoned Ganondorf toward the maze. The buff Gerudo guy turned sideways and started squeezing his broad shoulders through the doorway into the maze. Unable to fit both his sword and himself, Ganondorf released his weapon for a moment as he entered the maze. With the one-way door shut behind him and the sword closed off, Ganondorf forgot about his belongings for a moment as he muttered, "Now, where is that darned Triforce?"

"Say, Vic, I've been wondering: Does Ganondorf come from Mongolia or India or something? His skin's so dark," Kenny asked.

"No, Kenny, it says here that he is one of the Gerudo people. A tribe composed 99 of women," Vic read his cue cards with surprise.

"99? Wow, that's almost half," Kenny said.

Kenny got yet another paper fan cut on his forehead for that one. "No, Kenny, you mathematically-challenged monkey," Vic berated, "Try to overcome your Arizona education for a minute. 99 means that Ganondorf is the only male Gerudo at all. All the rest are female."

"You mean," Kenny gulped, "he's the only boyfriend for all those hot Gerudo chicks?" Without waiting for Vic to reply, Kenny's face fell as he buried his head in his hands. He looked so petulant that Vic was actually prompted to gently lay a hand on his shoulder, adding, "Why, Kenny, I didn't know you cared. I too feel for the women of Gerudo, having to look for love in only one very wrong place."

"Naw," Kenny said glumly, "That's not it. I'm just jealous of Ganondorf. All those hot chicks just for him! Besides, look at the guy. He's freakin' ugly. His nose is more humongous that Barbara Streisand's."

"Perhaps," Vic prodded gently, "Just like you and Princess Ruto earlier, the ladies of Gerudo aren't looking at his nose, Kenny."

"Aw, shut up."

As Kenny continued pouting, Vic looked at the screen. "Oh, my!" he called out, "Looks like Ganondorf has muscled his way past our doormen and scored a point for his team! That puts Nintendo's Villains on the board with our first score of today's competition."

"Yeah, yeah," Kenny grumbled, "Let's go to Gùy."

Swiftly, the camera switched down to Gùy attempting to get a quick interview with the victorious contestant. "So, Mr. Dragmire," Gùy gushed, "You won! How do you feel?" Without waiting for a reply, Gùy continued, "Oh, wait, let's just see how you feel for myself, eh?" Still keeping his grip on his microphone, Gùy proceeded to grab one of Ganondorf's biceps and start kneading it.

The King of Evil was so surprised at this blatant effrontery that he just stood there. Getting into it, Gùy purred up at him, "You feel quite nice indeed. All those girls all the time...you must be exhausted. Not to mention ready for a change of pace, ah-hah-hah-hah. Come back to my trailer and Gùy will give you a special LeDouchè massage to wash all concerns from your mind."

Ganondorf's enormous fist crashed down right atop Gùy's head. The pith helmet seemed to offer little protection as it broke and became a ring around his neck. Gùy's butt slammed down against the ground as his legs splayed, then he tipped over backwards.

Disdainfully, Ganondorf stepped over him to bellow, "Where is the Triforce?"

Crumpled in his wake, Gùy moaned, "Was it good for you, ah-hah-hah-owwww..."

Meanwhile, The Captain was exchanging formal greetings with Princess Peach Toadstool at the maze's entrance. If it wasn't for her inhumanly large blue eyes, the cutiepie blonde could've easily passed for a normal person in her formal pink gown. She curtsied to The Captain and grinned sweetly, "Nice to meet you!" The Captain chuckled, then bowed very deeply back. "Okay, miss," he nodded, "Let's go!" Looking determined, Peach plunged into the Legal Maze.

"What nice manners," Vic said.

"What a bore," Kenny yawned, "She's so sweet, she'll give you cavities."

Vic sighed, "I suppose you think the sweetheart of Mario's world would be more
entertaining if she wore a V-cut tank top and shorty shorts while lost in a tomb, eh, Kenny? Of course you do. No reason we should have a good, upstanding female role model character, no."

"Don't forget she also needs hooters bigger than her head. Too bad she's not playing Rotating Surfboard of Death so I could see her underwear when her skirt flies up," Kenny grumbled. Then he added, "Besides, she gets kidnapped every three seconds. What's such a great role model about that?"

"Perhaps you're underestimating her," Vic returned, "Princess Peach seems to be giving our doormen the slip."

"Not all of 'em!" Kenny countered, "Deadbolt has her—dead to rights!"

"But wait! What's she doing?" Vic wondered.

"She's---she's---giving him a big kiss on the cheek!" Kenny said, "And Deadbolt's melting like a bag of ice cubes on the sidewalk in July!"

"And so," Vic picked up the narrative, "Princess Peach scores a point for her heroic team as she escapes the Legal Maze. I guess sweetness and light soothed the savage Deadbolt, eh, Kenny?"

"Well, c'mon, Vic," Kenny huffed, "Everybody reacts like that to their first kiss no matter who it's from."

"First kiss?" Vic quizzed.

"Oh, yeah," Kenny explained, "Have you ever smelled Deadbolt? That's gotta be his first kiss ever. I can't believe she did that. She should stick her head in the swamp gas and get less dangerous toxic germs on her face instead."

"For once, Kenny, you just might have a point," Vic reluctantly agreed.

Back at the beginning of the maze, a lovely dark-haired lady clothed - barely - in a pirate's uniform was leaning on The Captain's shoulder with one hand. The other was gingerly stroking the side of his broadsword, which had replaced the smaller weapon now on The Captain's belt. She purred, "Why, Captain, what a big sword you have..."

Smiling down at her, The Captain softly replied, "Your sword's not bad either. Such a lovely curve to it..." It was uncertain whether The Captain truly meant the curve of the rapier sword or the broad hips it was adorning.

Realizing the camera was back on them, The Captain hastily straightened up and away from her. He nodded firmly toward the maze, "Get it on!" With a big grin, the beauteous buccaneer stepped lightly into the maze.

"Who's this chick?" Kenny wanted to know.

Again Vic reached for his prompter cards. "That's Captain Syrup, villainess of two Wario Land games on Game Boy," he informed his cohost.

"I never heard of her," Kenny said flatly.

"Well, Kenny, she was the closest thing we could find to an antithesis of Princess Peach in Mario's world. Remember, our competition is focused on the usual hero / villain match-ups you'll find in their games."

Looking suddenly very happy, Kenny cried out, "Hey, so you think after this, they'll put a Peach vs. Syrup mud wrestling match in the next Mario game then? That'd be totally awesome!"

"God, no, Kenny, that would be awful."

"Okay," Kenny pressed, "What if they did something else? Like play beach volleyball in thongs and string bikinis? And maybe had a mini-game where they buy each other food and clothes and stuff?"

Vic sighed toward the heavens in a give-me-strength expression. "Kenny, that would be X-tremely gratuitous and completely shameless right out of the Box. A game like that would never sell; who would buy it, dead or alive?"

"Well, what if they were topless?" Kenny wondered.

"Oh," Vic replied honestly, "That's different." Then his attention turned back to the monitor as Vic yelped, "But look! Captain Syrup has been cornered by our doormen! And she's brandishing...uh, nothing!"

"Ha ha!" Kenny guffawed, "She forgot her sword someplace!"

"Yes, indeed," Vic quickly responded, "And now she too has joined the crowd of eliminated contestants who've taken a dip in our swamp gas. So our score remains at 1 for 1 each team; let's see if our next heroic contestant can give their side a lead."

Kenny peered curiously at the tall man shivering alongside The Captain. The noise of the contestant's teeth chattering as he bit at his nails (despite his thick white workman's gloves) was clearly audible. Large drops of sweat were escaping the mustached man's green cap to drip onto his equally-green shirt and snazzy blue work overalls.

Back in the booth, the brainless announcer asked, "So who's this guy?"

Vic looked shocked. "Kenny, that's Luigi Mario. Mario's twin brother. One half of the Mario Bros. You must've played many, many games with him in them."

"Oh, yeah," Kenny smacked his own forehead for once, "That's right. The guy who looks sort of like Mario. I didn't recognize him."

"Well, Kenny, they are twins."

"Then why aren't they exactly alike? Luigi's taller and skinnier."

"They're not identical twins," Vic explained, "They're fraternal twins."

"Oh," Kenny responded, "So they're in college, then."

"Not a fraternity," Vic growled, "Fraternal. Non-identical twins."

"Well, whatever he is," Kenny pointed out, "He's sure scared of entering our maze."

"Indeed," Vic confirmed, "But it looks like The Captain has finally managed to shove him through the door and get our game back underway."

"Hey, Vic, look at that! The Captain's got three swords now! The big one in his hands, and two more on his belt!"

Vic agreed, "Why, yes, you're absolutely right, Kenny. And it's not often I get to say that."

"Yeah, the one on his hip has a nice curve to it. Sort of like a pirate sword or something..." Kenny squinted at the screen.

Vic nodded at the screen for the maze itself in an attempt to bring his cohost's attention back to the main game. "So as you can see, Kenny, Luigi is utilizing a similar strategy to Link before. He's systematically searching through each and every room in our mansion-like maze."

"Yeah," Kenny crowed, "But here comes Deadbolt again! I'd like to see Luigi kiss him and get away with it!"

"No need, Kenny, when Luigi's got his ghostbustin' vacuum cleaner!"

"Oh-oh," Kenny said heartily, "Looks like Deadbolt isn't impressed by a vacuum meant for ghosts."

"Indeed, Kenny, as you pointed our previously, Deadbolt's not very big on personal hygiene. It seems like he's taken Luigi's actions as a personal insult....oooo!!" The last was a gasp of true sympathetic pain and surprise from Vic over what he was seeing.

"Wow, Vic," Kenny gushed, "I didn't think Luigi would fit inside his own vacuum cleaner. Specially all head-first like that."

"It's a good thing he did, Kenny," Vic assured, "Maybe his center of gravity will be low enough now that he'll float upright in the swamp gas long enough for Gùy to rescue him. Let's go down to Gùy and see what our canned hero has to say!"

At the end of the maze, Gùy was putting his shorts to good use by tramping into the shallow end of the gassy pool to retrieve the Poltergust 3000 cleaner without getting too wet. The khaki-clad wonder had a brand new pith helmet on and some makeup almost covering the dried blood from his nose. Nevertheless, his cheerfulness seemed quite restored.

Cradling the filled vacuum against one arm and clutching his microphone in the other, Gùy cheerfully asked the device, "So, what happened out there? How do you feel about the contest, hmm?"

With no part of himself visible (although the machine was bulging noticeably), Luigi said quietly, "It's-a all right."

Gùy laughed and smiled at the camera. "Nintendo characters," he said affably, "They're all so polite."

"Excuse-a me," Luigi said hopefully, "Could-a you maybe getta me outta here?"

"Oh, so sorry," Gùy effused, "but that would be against the rules of our Union workers. And you know what happens to people who break Union rules. I'm afraid Gùy will just have to leave you in the tender loving care of these gentlemen." Gùy paused to smile beatifically at three guys who bore a remarkable resemblance to Donkey Kong - despite how none of them were wearing neckties - who came to take the Luigi-laden Poltergust 3000 from him.

As the three walked away with their burden, Gùy stared after them with a mixture of fear and appreciation. He mumbled to himself wistfully, "Ah, a foursome. Lucky guy. Wish I were a lucky Gùy, ah-hah-hah-hah!"

Vic cut in as the camera returned to his even, handsome features. "Just one contestant left for this round! Can the villains pull ahead?"

This time, it was Kenny who was checking the announcer cards. Or trying to. His mouth working along with his eyes, Kenny read very, very slowly, "A-n-d...t-h-i-f...if...no, is..."

"Ahem," Vic broke in, "This is King Boo from the game Luigi's Mansion, continuing our archenemy theme. So this apparition is used to haunting roomy mansions, but can he get through our maze? Let's find out."

Below, The Captain was studying the ghost. Despite his impressive size, King Boo looked like a white beachball with teeny-tiny arms sprouting from his sides and a face on one end. And, of course, his kingly crown atop. Chuckling good-naturedly, The Captain said quietly, "I'm sorry, but you're just not very scary, my friend." Still, the show must go on, and ignoring King Boo's look of indignation, The Captain once more nodded toward the maze with a cry of, "Let's go!"

The big ghost turned intangible and passed harmlessly through the wall. Perhaps it was the stress of the moment, but Boo forgot to turn his crown intangible too. It clunked to the ground behind him, outside the maze.

Meanwhile, King Boo was effortlessly and insubstantialy gliding through the maze and the obstructing doormen alike. Up in the booth, Kenny moaned, "Aw, man. This is like, totally unfair. There's no way we can let him get away with this, Vic."

"Well, Kenny," Vic reminded quietly, "We did say the contestants would have the use of all their usual powers and abilities in our competition today. It was quite a challenge to pick among the survivors of Blistering Wall of Death as to who would participate in each event to avoid just such an occurrence. I suppose I'm not surprised we missed one." Then he squared his shoulders. "But you're right again. Twice in one day! Congratulations, Kenny! We'll have to disqualify King Boo and get another villainous contestant to make a run instead."

No sooner did the words leave Vic's mouth than Mewtwo appeared in the booth with a flash of Teleport light. For a second, the bipedal Pokèmon's eyes glowed softly purple as he raised a paw and intoned solemnly, "You don't need to disqualify King Boo."

Vic repeated, "We don't need to disqualify King Boo."

Mewtwo added, "The point for the villains stands."

Vic agreed, "The point for the villains stands."

Mewtwo finished, "Buy Pokèmon games, kids. You can go about your business. Move along," before vanishing in another flash of light.

"Buy Pokèmon games, kids," Vic parroted, "I can go about my—"

"Wake up, Vic, wake up!" Kenny hollered in genuine concern.

Not only Vic, but the rest of the film crew crowding the booth shook themselves awake at Kenny's cry. Quickly pulling himself together, Vic smiled at the viewers. "Okay, so after our first round, it's 1 to 2 in the favor of our vile villains!"

"No, Vic," Kenny responded earnestly, "King Boo's eliminated and that makes the score...uh..." Kenny's forehead furrowed as he tried hard to do the math. "It's 2 to 2! Almost tied! Remember?"

Vic smiled at Kenny with a long-suffering sigh. "No, Kenny, weren't you paying attention? He cleared the Legal Maze and it's 1 to 2, fair and square. Don't forget your new microphone during the commercial, okay?"

"Okay," Kenny confirmed, but a bit glumly.

The not-so-Humble Announcer cut in cheerfully, "When we return on MXC: Our contestants come down with a severe case of Irritable Bowl Syndrome! Check before you flush, plumber twin!"