"Hey, kids, what time is it?!"

"It's time for proper hygiene!"

"That's right! Take it from me, Hank the Happy Hemorrhoid! Sing along with me, kids!"

"I get bigger when you void-

I'm Hank the Happy Hemorrhoid!"

YAYYY!!

"And buy Pokèmon games! Hey, wait---who are you?!!"

"I'm Samus Aran. I hunt Metroids."

"That's nice—why are you pointing your gun at me!?!"

"I just told you. I hunt Metroids. And it's a missile launcher."

"But I'm a Hemorrhoid!"

"I can't keep track of all you Metroids' mutations."

swishchunkfa-BOOOM!! AIIEEE!!

"Don't worry, kids, you're safe now."

YAYYY!!

"Oh, and buy Pokèmon games."

And next you see the same exact commercial for SpikeTV's newest show. Not even a different commercial for the same show, no. The exact same one.

"That's right, it's your Humble Announcer yet again as we return to the good, clean, sportsmanship fun that is MXC. Our do-badders are on top: can our do-gooders reverse the position or will they just go down like a Gerudo girl on a first date?"

As the hosts' booth materialized, Vic and Kenny were caught in the middle of a tug o' war over a microphone box. As the two men continued pulling and yelling at each other, one of the MXC staffers sitting behind them leaned forward to whisper in Vic's ear.

A quick smack of the paper fan and Vic reclaimed his trophy. Smiling at the camera, Vic said with forced cheerfulness, "And we're back! Time for our next event, Irritable Bowl Syndrome!" The next part he spit out of the side of his mouth. "For the last time, Kenny, you can not have my microphone box instead. Go get your own."

"Aw, man," Kenny responded.

Warming up to the camera, Vic explained the game to the viewers by saying, "So, here's how IBS works! First, enter your single-seater bowl. Next, make a run down our 50-ft extra-slippery slide. But even if you stay in your bowl all the way down our gushing water ride's length, you still must float across the narrow pool and touch the cushions at the bottom to score a point. Got it? Then let's get started!"

Kenny had returned his own mic box to his hand and was still fiddling with it as he mumbled, "Maybe it's this blue wire..." He stuck his finger into an open panel and was rewarded with a sharp jolt. "Oww!" Kenny recoiled.

Vic rolled his eyes and shored himself up; clearly Kenny was going to wait until another commercial to take care of his little problem and Vic would have to put up with it for a while longer. "Since you're still here, Kenny," Vic grit his teeth, "Why don't you tell us about what's going on?"

Kenny looked up to spy a cute green dinosaur happily waving to the audience from The Captain's side. In fact, the dinosaur seemed to do everything happily, and with cute little bouncy-boingy motions. But for once, not even Kenny could find disgust in his heart over this sugar-coated character. "Awww," Kenny said, "It's Yoshi!"

"Indeed," Vic was smiling sappily himself, "One of my favorites, Ken."

"Well, of course, Vic!" Kenny grinned, "Who could resist that cute little face?"

"Actually, my friend, it's kind of a big schnozola face, but I get your point," Vic replied.

As Yoshi stepped into his bowl and M & M, the twin MXC staffers, prepared to push him off, Kenny added, "I wish I had a Yoshi instead of my cat."

"Now, Kenny," Vic chided, "I've seen your cat and he's very cute too."

"Yeah," Kenny explained, "But he's not as much of a chick magnet as Yoshi. The girls must just come running for Mario!"

Vic sighed heavily before explaining, "Yoshi isn't Mario's pet. They're just friends. And I'm sure Mario is faithful to Peach as well."

"Friends, yeah right," Kenny laughed, "Especially when Mario rides Yoshi like a horse. Bet he says, 'Let's a-go, beeyotch!', just like I tell my cat before I jump on his back to go cruisin' for chicks. Except Mr. Sphincter doesn't carry me around well. He just sort of gets all flat and bites me in the nards."

Vic said, "Too much information, Ken. Let's get back to the game. Yoshi is off and showing an incredible sense of balance as he guides his bowl down the slide. He's reached the pool at the bottom—skimming across the waters toward the cushions and home---oh no! He's tipping over!"

"Oh no!" Kenny yelped, "Yoshi's not gonna make it!"

"But wait!" Vic returned, "He's leaning forward and—yes!! Yoshi touches the cushions and wins by his bulbous nose!" Indeed, the diminutive dinosaur was now a sort of bridge connecting his bowl and the cushions, with his snout on one side and his feet on the other. Yoshi quickly pulled his bowl over to the cushions, sealing the deal, before sitting down in his vehicle to rub his nose gently.

"That is impressive, Vic," Kenny admitted, "Man, his nose must be strong to hold him up like that."

"Indeed," Vic agreed.

"Jeez," Kenny continued, "Can you imagine the size of his boogers?"

"Kenny!! Ahem, our score is now tied 2 to 2 for each team! Let's see if our next contestant can overcome the Syndrome!"

As the villain stepped up to The Captain's side, Kenny instead pointed toward the MOC's head. "Hey, Vic, since when did The Captain have a big crown?"

"Why, I don't know," Vic replied with honest confusion. Then he pulled himself upright. "C'mon, Kenny, we've got to pay attention. I don't know what's gotten into us today, but we need to be professional! Focus on the game! Got it?!"

"Yessir," Kenny mock-saluted.

"Great," Vic missed the sarcasm completely, "So here's our villain contestant, the favorite apple of Bowser's eye, his son Junior!"

It was easy to see how the Koopaling got his name, since he was plainly the spitting image of his dad at a tender young age. The shock of unruly red hair adorning the bipedal turtle's little head was a dead giveaway. Junior ignored M & M's twin sets of helping hands to leap directly into his bowl, which promptly started down the slide.

"What a brat!" Vic charged

"Yeah, must make his dad proud," Kenny replied.

"Indeed," Vic said, "I suppose it does. But that bad attitude will find Bowser Junior no friends as his bowl tips over!"

"But look, Vic! He's tipped backwards onto his shell and is riding it down the slide instead!" And when Junior reached the bottom, he hopped completely out of his turtle shell. Then he picked it up, let the water drain from it, and put it back on.

Vic shook his head ruefully with a tight grin on his face. "That bit of showmanship won't help our little cheating ragamuffin. The rules clearly state you must remain in the bowl provided by MXC, not ride in your own; even if it's a bowl built into your own back. Bowser Junior is eliminated and our score stands at 2 to 2."

With another flash of Teleport light, Mewtwo again appeared. With a little sigh, the Psychic-Type creature said, "Must I explain it all again? Repeat after me: Bowser Junior is not eliminated. The point for the villains stands."

To the Pokèmon's astonishment, Kenny stood up and dashed over into his face. Anger was coloring Kenny's features almost as red as his fancy dress clothes. "Hey, don't you try anything funny on my friend! Just because you got away with it before!--I think. Maybe it was yesterday...hey, did you try to pull something uh, some other time?" Kenny's cheeks lost most of their flush as his forehead furrowed.

Unnoticed, Vic paused in parroting Mewtwo's words in the background.

Meanwhile, Mewtwo's eyes were glowing fiercely, but a huge drop of sweat was appearing on the side of his face. Aloud, he mumbled, "This one's confusion is not my doing. It is his own...but why can I not influence his mind?"

The fierce and normally-inscrutable eyes of Mewtwo widened in, perhaps, his very first moments of astonishment and horror. "This, this...Kenny," he concluded, "does not have a mind to coerce! He is utterly immune to all my powers!" To Mewtwo's evident relief, Kenny turned back to Vic and began pumping his friend's shoulder. The Pokèmon, shaking like a leaf, muttered, "I had best not try this again. Who knows what such a creature could do to me...you're on our own now, fellow fiends." Then he returned to the arena with his Teleporting abilities.

Showing an amazing amount of dexterity for himself, Kenny was actually managing to snap his fingers near Vic's ear with one hand as he waved the other in front of his friend's eyes. "Vic, Vic! Snap out of it!"

Vic mumbled, "And buy Pokèmon games, kids!" Then he blinked rapidly up at Kenny a few times. "Whoa—Kenny! What happened? The score, uh, the score is..."

Kenny procured a piece of scrap paper with a hastily-scribbled score on it in crayon. "It's 2 to 2, Vic! Bowser's kid is eliminated!" With a self-congratulatory chuckle, Kenny added, "I counted it myself."

"And thank you for that, Kenneth, indeed," Vic congratulated, "I guess I blacked out for a minute there. Okay, let's see our next contestant for the heroes!"

For once, Kenny didn't need prompter cards as he spied the oncoming contestant. "Hey, it's Fox McCloud! All right!"

Vic looked askance at his friend. "Big fan of the Starfox series, Kenny?"

"No," Kenny replied flatly, then grinned widely, "But I am a big fan of Fox's main squeeze, Krystal! She puts the fox in Starfox, if you know what I mean, Vic?" He elbowed Vic gently, still grinning from ear-to-ear.

"But isn't she an anthropomorphic animal too?" Vic quizzed.

"Anthro-whatsis? Have you been listening to Professor Fossilius again?"

"It means she's an animal with a humanoid shape, Kenny. I thought you found that a real turn-off about Princess Ruto earlier."

Kenny looked crestfallen. "I never thought of that. Gee, thanks, Vic. You really know how to spoil the mood."

"Yes, Kenny," Vic chortled, "I daresay my ex-wife would agree with you. But let's see if this sly space fox can pilot an irritable bowl as well as he does his Arwing starfighter!"

Kenny considered the monitor thoughtfully. "Aw, wow, Vic, he made that look easy."

"Yes indeed, Kenny, he did. Perhaps, thanks to Krystal, Fox has a lot more experience with doing the dishes than he might let on. Makes you wonder who wears the uniform pants on that spaceship, eh, Kenny?"

"Huh?"

"Just forget it, that one sounded better in my head too. Let's go to Gùy and see what Fox has to say about his win."

At the bottom of the IBS slope, Gùy was helping Fox out of the bowl with one hand and still clutching his microphone with the other. "So!" Gùy gushed, "You were fantastic out there! Tell me, to what do you owe the secret of your success?"

Fox smiled warmly up at Gùy, his sharp teeth making the grin more intimidating than its owner intended at the moment. "A lifetime of piloting and combat experience, Gùy, a lifetime." Then he chuckled, "Besides, if I muffed this one up, Falco would never let me live it down. You think he'll be out of the hospital over that Blistering Wall thing soon?"

"Hmm," Gùy wondered, "Would you really say this event compares to flying a spaceship?"

"Oh, sure!" Fox reassured and began making hand gestures to accentuate his points as he described, "It's just like docking with another ship. You set up your ship on the approach vector, pilot it carefully past the outer walls, navigate the narrow slit, then penetrate all the way into the interior for the finish. Hey...why are you looking at me like that?"

Gùy continued smiling hopelessly at Fox as he said, "Perhaps we could retire to Gùy's trailer and discuss this subject in more detail?"

Fox grinned again, but this time, the narrow knives he had for teeth were bared quite purposefully. "You really want rabies in places you didn't know you had places, Frenchie? Do ya?!" His hackles were standing stiffly on end, their lengthy bristles easily clearing his flight suit's high collar.

As the camera cut back to the hosts' booth, Vic announced, "Next up for our villains is surely a face familiar to Mr. McCloud—his archrival from the Starwolf team, Wolf O'Donnell!"

"Hey," Kenny objected, "he looks just like Fox. Except his fur's darker, and his clothes too, and stuff."

"That's what those in the trade call a palette swap, Kenny," Vic informed, "it's a graphically cheap way to increase the number of enemies in a game. Easy on the memory chips too. You'll find it especially in most RPGs, although red and green Koopa Troopas are probably the best-known example."

"Oh. Hey, wait, Wolf's got an eyepatch too," Kenny pointed out.

"Ah!" Vic said, "A real difference! Kudos to the game designers for going the extra mile on that one!"

"Looks like they copied Fox's moves too, Vic. Wolf's owning that bowl as he cruises down the course."

"That's right, Kenny," Vic nodded, "which brings our score back to a tie, 3 to 3. Let's go to Gùy and see what's up down there."

Both Vic and Kenny relaxed against the back of their bench, enjoying a moment's off-camera time. Except they weren't off-camera. Unknowing of this, Vic waved his paper fan lazily at Kenny. "If you hurry, you might replace your microphone now, Ken."

Kenny stood up and started away, but another wave of the paper fan caught his eye and made him stop. "Oh," Vic added, "Get me a soda on your way back, would you?" Vic finally noticed the same MXC staff member tapping him on the shoulder who'd broken up that little tug o' war incident earlier.

Vic said, "What? We're still on?!"

Quickly Kenny sat back down as Vic straightened up hastily. "Oh, uh, it seems that Gùy is indisposed for a minute."

"He's not indisposed," Kenny pointed to an monitor set where the viewers' cameras couldn't see but the hosts certainly could, "He just doesn't wanna talk to Wolf. He's waving 'no' frantically at us like he's scared or somethin'."

"Be that as it may," Vic replied, "Let's get on with the game. Here's F-Zero's favorite son, Captain Falcon!"

The human racer was chatting amiably with The Captain as the cameras zoomed in on the pair. Both men was studying each other's carefully tailored uniforms with interest. Not the sort of jealous interest The Captain had shared with Ganondorf before; but in a friendly comparing-notes sort of way. Falcon was saying, "...Yes, I think your uniform would look great in blue. Perhaps I'll try mine in white like yours."

Captain Tenneal added, "Oh, don't forget, my tailor's number is... Ahem Let's get it on!"

Nodding seriously to the camera, Falcon threw a little salute to it too as he let the M & M twins help him into his bowl.

"Ooo, look," Kenny gushed in a little kid sort of way, "Our Captain's got a little friend."

"They do bear a remarkable resemblance to each other now that I've seen them together," Vic admitted, "Perhaps our Captain will take up racing in addition to his other hobbies."

"Yeah," Kenny challenged, "But that Falcon guy isn't half as cool. Our Captain has three swords and a crown! What's this guy got? Nothin'!"

"Well, Kenny, he does seem to have his own cheering section," Vic offered as one of the cameras scanned the crowd. The rather impressive figures of fellow racers Jody Summer, Mrs. Arrow, and Kate Alen were bouncing up and down, left and right, up and down, as they cheered Falcon on. Oh, and all three women were jumping, too.

"Aw, man," Kenny began chewing his microphone box in bittersweet disgust, "That guy blows."

"At least you're not eating your heart out, my friend," Vic observed wryly, "And as to his run, Captain Falcon's got the same dazzling moves from his race circuit. It looks like just another day at work for him as he effortlessly conquers the Irritable Bowl Syndrome!"

"Hey, Vic, if we wanted to make a fair contest, why did we put a bunch of Speed Racer wannabes in the bowls?" Kenny wanted to know.

"For the same reason we let adventurers like Link and Luigi into our Legal Maze," Vic replied, "We're trying to strike a balance between the experiences of our contestants and not letting their unique powers and abilities give them an unfair advantage. Besides, I'm sure piloting our out-of-control bowls is still more of a challenge than a comfy futuristic race car or starfighter."

"Wow, it must've taken a lot of thinking to do all that," Kenny said with open-mouthed awe.

"Indeed. Which bring us to our last contestant for this round," Vic pointed at the screen, "Can he even up the score or will the heroes maintain their 4 to 3 lead? Let's go to The Captain!"

The man standing before The Captain was an odd contradiction in terms. His arms and legs were thick with muscle, and his chest wasn't bad, but his huge gut was barely constrained at his waist. The F-Zero pilot was smirking evilly as he sized up The Captain. "Well, well," the contestant drawled slowly, "Another prissy Captain to deal with. Better stand back, boy; wouldn't want your nice uniform to get all dirty."

The Captain laughed disdainfully and tossed the waves of hair peeking under his crown back with studied nonchalance. "Yeah, right. Like The Captain's gonna get his butt kicked by a guy with knockers? Get in the bowl, Peter Porker."

Face contorted with fury, the contestant lunged for The Captain's windpipe. Just as The Captain smoothly hooked his curved pirate's sword into the bowl and drew it swiftly between them. At the same time, The Captain's boot caught his attacker's and tripped the contestant headfirst into the bowl. With the M & M twins adding their smiles to his own, The Captain cried, "Get it on!" to send the irate racer on his way.

"And that ill-behaved fellow is Samurai Goroh, definitely the main archrival of Captains both on and off the F-Zero circuit," Vic supplied helpfully, "Let's see if his skills can match his mouth and give the villains back their tie!"

"He could—if he stayed in the bowl," Kenny offered, "instead of jumping out onto the slope and trying to get back to The Captain."

"What a display of poor sportsmanship," Vic said with evident disgust, "And it's doing him no good. Our wet and slippery slope has merely sent the bowl-less samurai unprotected into the pool at the bottom."

"Yeah, what a big baby," Kenny agreed.

"And here comes a troop of our MXC guards to make sure there's no further trouble from that quarter," Vic pointed out.

"They shouldn't bother. The Captain could kick his butt," Kenny weighed in with his opinion.

"Indeed. But Captain Tenneal has no time for fisticuffs; he still has a show to do. As do we," Vic reminded, "Let's see if Gùy will do his part!"

Somewhat to both hosts' surprise, the camera did cut to Gùy. The pith-helmeted wonder was trying to get close enough to ask Falcon some questions, but the racer was sandwiched inbetween Jody and Kate. Gùy thrust out his microphone arm close enough to catch Falcon muttering disgustedly, "...and that's why you'll always lose, Goroh. You let your emotions get the better of you." Not noticing Gùy, Falcon straightened up a little and nodded to both ladies on either side. All three strode off quietly, Falcon still holding a woman congratulating him in either arm.

Which left Gùy all alone with the beautiful Mrs. Arrow. They looked each other up and down from a polite distance. Then the bodybuilding beauty cracked a very, very friendly grin. She added, "You're amazing."

"Oh, please, Mrs. Arrow," Gùy put an accent on the Mrs., "Gùy likes to hear that, but not from a married woman! Think of your husband! And what are you doing chasing that Captain Falcon for, anyway?"

"I'm pleased Captain Falcon won for our team and nothing more," the amazonian racer returned, "Especially since my husband is recovering from your Blistering Wall and our team really needs Falcon without him. Besides, I'm also thinking of how beautiful I can look for my sweetie if you'll just share some of your makeup and hair care tips with me. Pretty please?" She looked at Gùy with big blue eyes shining out of her high cheekboned-face, a gentle riff of blonde hair spilling over her shoulders.

Relief washing over him, Gùy led Mrs. Arrow away, already talking and gesturing to her animatedly about proper care of oneself. She absorbed it all in a serious fashion.

Back in the booth, Vic observed, "Well, well. Gùy with a girl. There's something you don't see every day."

"Yeah. What a waste," Kenny moaned, "even when she's so butch."

"She is married, Kenny. I doubt she'd show you any special attention anyway," Vic reminded.

Once more, the Humble Announcer cuts in to announce, "Next stop on MXC: Forget the soap, it's Dope on A Rope! Just get in the dungeon, Princess!"