His power is unequaled

His battles are legendary

His return is near

Get ready

For the 28th big screen appearance

of the world's biggest star...

Godzilla!!

From Toho Company Ltd., catch the all mon-star roll call of Godzilla's 50th anniversary celebration: Hedorah, Mothra, Mechagodzilla, Anguirus, Gigan, and more!

Godzilla: Final Wars

Coming this Christmas to a theater near you!

But only if you live in Japan. Crap.

Then guess what! Yes, you see the same commercial for the newest SpikeTV debut again! Oh joy!!

Our Humble Announcer returns with, "Time to rejoin the fun on MXC! Our heroes have the lead, but can the villains mustard the strength to ketchup? Get it? Mustard? Ketchup?...Jeez, who wrote this?"

Once again the hosts' booth fades into view. Vic continued watching bemusedly as Kenny tried to hold up an old-fashioned set of TV rabbit ears he'd wedged into his microphone box. "You know, Kenny, if that doesn't work," Vic waved his paper fan lazily, "You might want to try using some parts out of my old 8-track player."

"Shut up," Kenny responded.

"Don't be so saucy, my friend, just trying to help." Vic's smile took the sting out of his words as he straightened back up for the cameras. "Okay, we're back, and our game's only gonna get better! It's a 4 to 3 score with our heroes sitting pretty. But the next obstacle to their progress is a little thing we like to call Dope on A Rope."

Abandoning his antenna, Kenny continued fighting electrical interference to say, "Yeah! What a great game, Vic! Our contestants get a rope from our platform, run down a ramp, and pull a Tarzan as they swing around!"

"Ah, but even the Lord of the Jungle never had to stick his landings on a narrow circular platform. After performing a roundabout swing to get there to start with," Vic reminded.

"But I'll bet he could," Kenny argued, "If he didn't wanna fall into our pool of mucus and drool. Makes quicksand sound pretty good instead."

"Indeed," Vic observed, "Let's see who's up for the heroes!"

A young man on the cusp of adolescence appeared at The Captain's side. He was putting on a brave front, but the dark-haired boy paused to wipe his hands on his bluejeans despite his green fingerless gloves. As The Captain handed him the rope, the youth turned his red-and-white baseball cap backwards on his head with his free hand.

The Captain gently reminded, "Be a man, son. Keep a good firm grip, okay?" The boy nodded before adding, "I'll do my best, sir!" in voice nearly ready to crack into adulthood.

Up in the booth, Kenny asked, "So who's this runty geek?"

"That would be up-and-coming Pokèmon Trainer Ash Ketchum," Vic replied, "And I'd hardly call him a geek, Kenny. He spends most of his time exploring the wilderness, bonding with his Pokèmon, and defeating bad guys. Not exactly Bill Gates stuff, now is it?"

"Bonding! Wilderness! Yeah, right!" Kenny guffawed, punctuating each word with a slap on his own knee. "Guess I was wrong after all, Vic. That treehugger will never have a decent job in his life! What a lazy, good-for-nothin'..." The jovial host was cut off as Ash rather easily swung around the course and landed on the platform provided. He almost overshot it, but after pinwheeling his arms for a second, Ash regained his balance and laughed with joy. Then the youth threw a V-for-victory sign to the camera before happily bounding down to freedom.

Kenny, meanwhile, refused to meet Vic's mildly reproving gaze. Instead he muttered, "The kid just got lucky, Vic."

"Not really, Kenny," Vic disagreed, "I used to be a Boy Scout myself. I can understand some of what young Mr. Ketchum has to go through, living off the land in his travels as he does. It's a lot more physical than most people think."

"Yeah, yeah," Kenny continued sulking, "It's the villains' turn."

The rambunctious host was suddenly shocked out of his foul mood as a stripe of long (really, really long) bright red hair appeared next to The Captain. Turning to his friend in the booth slowly, Vic asked very neutrally, "Why, Kenny, I'm sure this is a familiar face to you from the opening of our show. Or a familiar figure, at least."

"Yeah, Jesse is the only good thing about that show," Kenny replied, "If only they had more hot babes in long leather boots. It would really boost their ratings."

Vic still looked coolly suspicious about Kenny's sudden (and rather intense) interest as, onscreen, Jesse graciously took the rope proffered by The Captain. The Captain's smile to her was just as warm as ever, but his eyes were a little cool compared to their initial conversation. One of Jesse's own eyebrows shot up as her gaze narrowed a bit. It seemed she would take this as a challenge.

But for the moment she had another challenge to conquer. Jesse charged down the ramp, swung into empty space, and landed on the platform in a teeter-tottering position similar to Ash's pose before. Jesse spun her arms frantically for balance as she tipped dangerously forward at the hips.

Kenny cried, "Okay, Special Camera Operative 007, zoom in now!"

Vic's eyes opened wide as a smaller monitor, usually reserved for communicating with Gùy down at the arena site, filled with a very interesting image. "Kenny!!" he roared, bringing the paper fan down on Kenny's noggin again, "That's terrible! What an abuse of your photojournalistic pride and good standing!"

"Whoa," Kenny gasped quietly, "So that's what kind of panties she likes."

Disgusted at his coworker, Vic groaned and turned away. Kenny responded, "Well, if she isn't showing off, howcome she always wears a microskirt anyway?"

Vic waved his fan at the director off-camera this time as he barked, "Turn off that feed! Let's get back in the game! Do we even know if she won or not, for crying out loud?"

"Who cares?" Kenny returned as he whipped out a small checklist. Still using his crayon to write with, Kenny muttered, "Okay, Pokèmon mysteries solved for today. Color of Jesse's underwear: Check. How does she get her hairdo like that?...Gee, I still dunno."

The hosts were interrupted by a incredibly loud wail. Even the cameras not strategically placed behind her watched as Jesse lost the battle for her balance. The weight of her hair tipped her over head-first into the mucky pool. Quickly the young woman righted herself; but her infamous 'do came undone. Even as she rose from the pool, her hair was drying and caking all over her. Thus another wail resounded across the course.

"Goodness," Vic admitted, "I feel a little sorry for her."

Kenny agreed, "Yeah, she looks like a redhead Cousin It with her hair down and muddy. What a dirty girl!"

"Kenny!!" Vic struck with his paper fan once again.

Meanwhile, the shambling mass still muttering, "James, you are in big trouble," in a vile tone had stomped her way out of the pool. Gùy appeared next to her with a large towel. "There, there, miss," Gùy cooed, "It'll be all right. Just take this nice, fresh towel and clean yourself up a bit, hmm?"

Gingerly, Jesse managed to get her face clean enough to see past her hair properly. It also allowed Gùy to see she'd begun sniffling quite a bit. "Thank you," she added in a puffy-eyed fashion, "Nobody's ever been nice to me before."

Gùy smiled, "It's all right. I've always felt sorry for young ladies of the night such as yourself. You really should get out of that line of work before something bad happens to you. Trust me; Gùy knows from experience, ah-hah-hah-hah."

Jesse's eyes and voice became steel. "Excuse me?"

"Well, uh," Gùy stammered, "You are...uh...I mean, the way you dress, young miss...it looks like, you know..."

Her hands wound around his throat as Jesse roared, "I'm a Pokèmon Trainer, not a cheap hooker!!"

Luckily for Gùy, Jesse's teammates leapt to his defense. Unluckily for him, James was quick to point out, "That's right! Jesse isn't a cheap date at all! She's very, very expensive! You wouldn't believe how much they want for popcorn at the movies nowadays!"

"Et tu, James!?!" she shrieked, switching her target. The ensuing free-for-all quickly rolled away from the camera's view and over a small hill. Forgotten, Gùy could only grin into the camera with brow-mopping relief and a thumbs-up.

Back topside, Kenny grumbled, "Aw, man. Too bad she had to pick a fight with Gùy instead of Princess Peach or something. I could use a good catfight."

"I'm sure we all could, Kenny," Vic quipped, "but now it's the heroes' turn. Can they extend their lead?"

The next hero stepped up to the plate. He looked roughly Ash's age, but it was hard to tell; apparently the people of his world were super-deformed. Which is to say the boy had a circular head much larger than it should be, along with stubby arms and legs enclosed in a striped shirt n' blue shorts. He too had a cap, although his was just plain red.

"Okay, Vic," Kenny admitted, "I give. Who's this Charlie Brown poser?"

"That's Ness from EarthBound," Vic read aloud, "although you might know him best from his guest appearances in the Super Smash Bros. series."

"Geez!" the cohost moaned, "Another freakin' obscure Nintendo character! Whoever picked the surviving contestants for this episode must be a total Nintendo fanboy freak. I never heard of half these people!" Kenny broke off when he realized Vic was glaring frostily at him. Under Vic's stare, Kenny flushed as something rare happened: a thought crossed his mind. "Oh, yeah," Kenny prompted himself, "That's right. You and the producers always pick the contestants. You even said so before."

Vic's face broke into a much too-friendly grin. "That's right, Kenny. Now why don't you be good and finally get another microphone box while I keep the show moving, okay?"

Kenny smiled in a reconciliating fashion. "Aw, Vic, I didn't mean it. Here, let me make it up to you! I'll do my best until the next commercial, I swear!"

"All right, all right," Vic waved his fan placatingly, "You can stay. But next commercial you're getting that box, understand?"

Vic suddenly noticed the camera feed to the arena. Captain Tenneal had handed over the rope, but he and Ness alike were tapping their feet as they waited for the go-ahead. Vic blushed. "Sorry about that, gentlemen. Please."

The Captain nodded, "Let's go!" and Ness leapt into space. He soared easily around and landed neatly on the platform, leaving a trail of softly glowing light (much of it coming from his head) as he went. With his safe point-scoring landing, Ness cried out, "Hah! Let's see Poo do that! Eat it, fanboys!" Then he too happily bounded off to watch the rest of the competition.

"Ha-ha! He said poo!" Kenny roared.

"Ness is referring to his teammate, Kenny," Vic prompted, "His name is Poo. Not to be confused with a certain silly old bear. Nevertheless, sounds like some friendly rivalry there."

"Huh," Kenny grunted in surprise, "Being named Poo must suck. And I thought just having a giant head like that would be bad."

"Having gargantuan craniums does seem to be a frequent RPG affliction, Ken."

"But Vic, you know what they say about guys with big heads," Kenny reminded.

"And what would that be, my friend?"

"That have big hands too," Kenny observed with all the wisdom he could muster, "No wonder Ness held onto that rope so well. Hey, this next kid's got a huge head too. He must be Poo."

"No, Kenny," Vic responded, "this competition is for archenemies as you'll recall. Poo is Ness' teammate and is thus ineligible. This youngster is Pokey, his real rival."

"Waitaminute," Kenny objected as he scanned his cue cards, "It says here the ultimate enemy in EarthBound is Giygas, not Pokey. What's up with that?"

"Well, Kenny, when we tried to get Giygas to show up for today's competition, the entity refused to participate. In fact, we found we were incapable of even comprehending the form of Giygas' attack—I mean, refusal," Vic confessed.

"What does that mean?" Kenny wanted to know.

"That mean we've got Pokey instead, all right?" Vic huffed.

The blonde kid had taken the rope, but was staring defiantly out at the cameras. Or trying too, anyway, since his long bangs completely hid his eyes from view. His lengthy locks couldn't hide his buck teeth and pocket-protector shirt as Pokey announced nasally, "Before I make my attempt, I must inform the illustrious judges of something. Ness undoubtedly used his PK powers to enable himself to make the swing successfully. I possess no such abilities and respectfully request I be awarded a spontaneous point to account for my competitor's treachery!"

For once, the hosts didn't have to respond. The Captain gently bent over, saying quietly but with conviction, "Hey, son, everybody gets to use their powers in the events today. Keep whining like that and it's no wonder Ness beats you. So stop sniveling and stand on your own two feet for weal or for woe, got it?"

To everyone's surprise, Pokey nodded. And swung. And landed. On the platform, quite safely, and not in the pool. Pokey lifted his bangs with both hands to stare wide-eyed. "I did it! I did it!" he snort-laughed through his nose with pure joy, "I really did something!" Then the boy kicked up his heels as he left the platform behind.

Up in the booth, Vic was smiling broadly. "Now that's what I like to see, Kenny," Vic beamed, "some good, clean, honest sportsmanship. Imagine how that lad must feel, how his self-esteem must be soaring! Perhaps he'll even turn from his villainous ways now that he's got some moral support from his peers and—"

The cohost got cut off as Kenny once again made a noise like, "RRRAALLPPPH!" into a conveniently-placed paper trash bag. Then, wiping his mouth with a equally-convenient towel, Kenny added, "Yeah, sure, Vic. That's the kind of kid we'd depants in school. Except he's got shorts on. One of the other villains should totally make fun of him and spoil it for him right away." For a moment, Kenny studied another monitor thoughtfully. "Aw, man, the others are happy he scored a point for 'em."

"Could it be?" Vic gasped in honest surprise, "The villains actually appreciate his efforts?"

"Sure," Kenny grinned back, "As long as he's useful to them. First screw-up and Pokey's gone. We used to do that all the time in my gym class."

"Of course," Vic shook his head sarcastically, "why not, indeed?" After double-checking his facts, Vic straightened back up to the nearest camera. "But despite Pokey's efforts, the heroes still have a two-point lead over the villains. Will out competition get even more lopsided? Let's go to The Captain and find out."

The Captain was sharing the launch platform with Donkey Kong. The massive gorilla took the rope and warmly clapped The Captain's back with one hand. The blow nearly toppled The Captain over into the pool. Quickly, Kong helped the human straighten up. Laughing the little incident off, The Captain said, "Thank you, my good ape."

Kong held up a finger in mild reprovement. "Heyyy...That's great ape, sir."

"Of course," The Captain effused, then barked, "Get it on!"

As DK pounded down the launch ramp, Kenny observed, "I thought he only wore neckties. Why's he got a diaper on?"

"That's no diaper, Kenny, it's a bandage earned on the Blistering Wall of Death earlier, remember?" Vic reminded.

"Oh yeah," Kenny recalled, "Well, we have lift-off. He's coming around smoothly...and...oh, no Vic! That bandage is giving Donkey Kong a wedgie!"

"Indeed! And it looks like he's helpless before it's power!" Vic chimed in, "Donkey Kong has released the rope in favor of adjusting his bandage and taken a dip in our pool of muck. How unfortunate. A doubly foul fate when you're covered in fur, eh Ken?"

"Yeah, poor guy," Kenny said with all honesty, "My brothers used to do that to me and it isn't fun."

"Particularly when you're not used to underwear on your nether regions to start with," Vic admitted with a sympathetic shake of his head, "Let's go down to Gùy."

DK had managed to pull himself free of the pool and was standing at the edge. The muscular gorilla had his ruined necktie in one hand and his own forehead clamped in the other as he groaned repeatedly. His bandage must've gotten lost in the goop; the cameras were careful to keep to Donkey's front since his fur had been burned away back there earlier. Nobody was interested in bare gorilla buttocks, much less blistered ones.

Except, perhaps, Gùy. "Ooo, Mr. Kong," he stood uncomfortably close to the muddy gorilla, "Are you all right? That was a nasty spill. Let Uncle Gùy have a look to make sure you're all right..."

As Gùy tried to duck around him, Donkey forgot his necktie as he yelped, "Heyyy!!!" The gorilla picked up the interviewer soundly by the scruff of his shirt and grunted again. Then, clamping the other hand on Gùy's own butt, DK proceeded to toss the luckless television personality into the pool like an old wooden barrel. "Yeahhh!!!" Donkey Kong finished with a muscle-flexing pose to the camera in his deep voice, "Cooool!"

As DK ambled away on his knuckles, Gùy spit out some sludge and called, "Oh, yoo-hoo! Anybody going to rescue Gùy? I've already got my own line...I just need hauling in!" To prove it, he hefted his microphone cord.

Back in the booth, Kenny muttered, "Wow, that's another pair of khakis ruined today. Gùy's gonna have a cow with wardrobe when today's show is over."

"Indeed," Vic said, "So our villains are up and the score remains at 6 to 4 against them. Let's see who's on first, shall we?"

The creature clomping up to The Captain was vaguely reptilian. Crocodilian, in fact. At least in the face. But this bipedal beast had the thick arms and chest of a human wrestler (along with the gut). The Kremling made a grandiose sweep of his regal red cape as he posed for his loving subjects. Or at least, the audience and production crew alike. "Thank you!!" the contestant called out in a deep, slurred voice as he waved his hands in acknowledgment of cheers resounding only in his head, "Thank you!!"

To Vic's surprise, Kenny offered cheerfully, "Hey, Vic, I know this one. That's King K. Rool. I beat him up in Donkey Kong's games all the time."

"You're right yet again, Kenny!" Vic nearly laughed with wonder, "Three times today! Wow! Hey, you'd better slow down, my friend. You wouldn't want to use up all your smarts in one day, now would you?"

Kenny gasped. "Oh no! I think I did! No, I can't think! I've gotta stop! Aw, man."

Vic reached over to gently pat Kenny's shoulder. "Buck up, my little friend. The Captain's given the signal and the King is off."

"Yep," Kenny picked up the commentary, "Guess K. Rool is proving that Kremlings can be swingers too, 'cause he's heading right for the platform."

"But wait!" Vic cried, "His enormous girth is caused the rope to flay!"

"But wait again!" Vic was forced to amend, "The rope has snapped but the platform is in reach! K. Rool's considerable arm length has proven an advantage as he gets the landing platform in a deathgrip!"

"But can he pull his flabby folds of flacid flesh up?" Kenny wondered aloud.

He didn't have to wonder long. To the cheers of villains and not a few sympathetic heroes alike, K. Rool managed to get his stomach onto the platform. His position secure, K. Rool found his footing and bowed deeply.

"Impressive," Vic wiped his brow with his paper fan, "Most impressive."

"Hey, Vic," Kenny chirped, "I'll bet I can look just like K. Rool in a couple weeks if I want."

Vic regarded his cohost suspiciously. "Really? I don't follow you, Kenny."

"Well, just look at his arms...then look at his gut," Kenny pointed out.

"Yeah...?" Vic drawled.

"Isn't it obvious?" Kenny grinned, "He's got buff arms because he's lifting his beer all the time, and that gives him the gut too."

Vic rolled his eyes. "Okay, Kenny, that's it. Absolutely enough thinking for you for today. It's plainly starting to hurt both you and me. Go get your microphone box and stop using your brain right now, you hear me, mister?!"

Kenny looked mildly reproved. "Oh. Okay, Vic."

The Humble Announcer rejoined the fray with, "It's all leading into our final round of competition! Who will survive and who will be eliminated? Don't turn to another channel now! Hey...you can grab my Morph Balls any day, bounty huntress!"