"Plese do not let me go"
by: Jessica
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NOTE: This is Kate's POV
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I woke slowly.
I wanted to linger there, somewhere between awake
and asleep.
Eventually I surrendered and reached out for him only to find an empty space
beside me in the bed.
I wanted to call his name out to the morning light but I knew better than that.
I couldn't fool my heart thinking that he might actually had stayed.
I knew better.
I could see it coming miles away.
I could see it in his eyes when he first kissed me.
The fear that lay behind the mask of self-confidence and power that he presented to the world.
Fear of giving himself totally.
He wasn't the man that stayed.
He wasn't the man that gave away his heart.
I knew that going in.
But I never thought it would hurt so.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I rose from the bed and dressed in the morning light that found its way into the room.
I will not regret this.
I have never regreted it.
And I will not start now.
I have slept with men before him.
I have given my body freely to men I have worked with.
It's not like I have gone to bed with many.
But I have slept with men I have worked with.
I have always joked and said that it's the best way to get to know each other.
But I'm not laughing now.
I have never wanted more than a relationship in the bedroom.
I was old enough to know the diffrence between love and sex.
But this time something ate at my heart that I couldn't hide from.
The need to be touched by a hand that loved me.
Not the woman that I have created and maintained.
Not the woman with the gun.
Just me.
Kate.
To give myself totally to one single person.
To have a warm body beside me in the bed when I wake up every morning.
Someone that stays.
I have never wanted that before.
I was content before I met Gibbs.
I had chosen my life and I stayed behind me wall and felt safe.
But when he entered my world I never thought it would be the end of me.
I thought I was stronger that.
I thought I knew better.
But somehow and in some way he managed to break through and found his way inside of me.
Now it seems like I can't drown him out.
And I'm not sure if I want to.
He doesn't love you.
So why are you fooling yourself?
I don't want his love.
Liar.
I don't.
Liar.
I walk into my kitchen and pour myself a cup of coffee.
I wish I knew how to face him.
I wish there were someway I could get back to 'me' again.
And maybe then everything will be okay.
Maybe then I will be fine.
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