"How come your arms are not around me"
by: Jessica
Note: This is Kate's POV
He sat behind his desk, sipping his coffee, when I walked into the office that morning.
He didn't look up as I approached.
I knew the routine by now.
I had gone through it before.
It was just sex, nothing else.
Just a moment between two people.
No promises was made and as I walked the path to his desk I told myself that
I was content with that.
I had gone into this with my eyes open.
He was just one of the men in my life.
Nothing else.
I would not be the one to fall.
Not this time.
It was too much in stake this time around.
I knew it from the moment he touched me.
"Good morning."
My voice felt weak all of a sudden.
He looked up and our eyes met.
I tried to smile, like nothing had changed.
But as I looked at him now I knew nothing was further from the truth.
Everything had changed.
And I was slowly but surely losing control.
I could feel myself slipping.
I could still taste him.
His scent still lingered on my skin.
I felt weak as I stood before him.
And I hated that feeling.
"Morning, Kate."
His voice sounded chilly or maybe it was just my mind playing tricks with me.
I don't know what I expected.
I knew the rules, for God's sake.
But still I stood there like a fool searching for some kind of sign that last night
had meant something.
That the fire that burnt so brightly inside of me was not in vain.
But he had risen the wall again and I was left outside.
I was the fool yet again; thinking things might be different this time.
That I would finally win this game.
But I was once again alone.
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The day passed quickly.
We danced around each other and even Tony could pick up the slightest change in my
mood.
Gibbs avoided the office as much as he could for the coming days.
When he finally graced us with his presence he acted chilly and distant.
He never once addressed me.
He avoided my eyes and I could read the guilt in his eyes when I found him watching me.
But I was determined to go on like nothing had happened.
I could play the game as good as anyone.
I was so determined to drive him out of mind, no matter the cost.
It was a matter of survival.
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Night had wrapped the office in a dark coat as I finally started to collect my things and head home.
Tony had left an hour later, claiming that he had a hot date that couldn't wait any longer.
Gibbs was no where to be found.
And I didn't care.
I brushed my tired eyes and pushed the button for the elevator.
I rode the elevator to the basement to collect my car and head home to the emptiness of my apartment.
I was just about to turn the key and get inside when I heard his voice:
"Kate."
He stood in the darkness and he stepped out of the shadows as I turned around.
He was dressed in dark pants, blue shirt and a dark jacket.
He looked tired.
"Gibbs."
He walked towards me slowly.
He stopped just a few feet from me.
I tried to sound calm as I spoke.
But the truth was that the simple presence of him could make me tremble.
"Look, I was just heading home."
"I know, I will not keep you long. I just wanted to talk."
"What about? Can't we take it in the morning, I'm really tired?"
"Please, Kate."
His eyes were begging me to surrender.
To give in.
And for a second I wanted to.
But I was afraid.
So I stood there, shields raised.
"What do you want to talk about, Gibbs?"
"I wanted to say...sorry."
"Sorry?"
"Yes."
"It's twice you have said sorry now and..."
"What happened..I didn't mean..I didn't come to you looking for..."
"Say it...You can say it...sex."
"Don't be like that."
"Be like what?"
"Like that."
"I'm just calling it like I see it. You should try it."
"I never meant it to happen. It shouldn't have happened. You're on my team and.."
His words stung more than I wanted to admit.
"So, what? You want me to forgive you or what? There's nothing to forgive. It was just sex, right?
One night. Nothing else. It will not happen again."
His face twisted and turned as my words sunk in.
I wanted to hurt him, make him bleed.
I wanted to not feel this pain that kept eating at my center core.
But most of all I hated the fact that I hadn't been able to drive him out of my heart since
the night he walked away from me.
"Please, Kate. I don't want this to change anything between us. We have to be able to work
together."
"I have no problem. I'm not the one who have stayed away."
"It's just...."
"Guilty is written over your face everytime you're looking at me. Don't worry I will not
put you up on charges. You can keep your precious reputation. I will not blacken it. I will not
tell a soul. So don't worry."
I started to turn around and get in my car.
"Kate."
His hand was on my shoulder.
And for a single second I let myself remember how it felt against my skin.
And I felt weak.
I hated that.
I turned towards him.
Anger filling me.
For being weak.
For letting him move me so easily.
My eyes shot fire as our eyes met:
"Don't touch me. Don't touch me ever again."
He let go.
He stood before me and I tried to read what he was thinking.
But all I saw was the wall that stood between us.
I climbed into my car without saying a word and my hands trembled a little as I turned
the key and the monster came alive under me.
He stood where I had left him as I drove away.
And I refused to look back.
I was winning the game.
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