Shelter for my soul
by: Jessica -
Georgetown University Hospital,
Washington D.C,
One week later
It's the little things I remember about the day she slipped away from me.
I remember the sound of the rain smashing against the car as we drove up to the house.
I remember my heart beating angrily in my chest as we walked the path to the house.
We had come to bring in the suspect in our latest case for questioning.
She walked just a few steps infront of me.
I wanted to say something, anything.
But the silence lay between us like huge wall.
There was nothing to say anymore.
I had pushed her away, far away and now I wanted a way back in.
But I didn't now how.
I remember how everything got so quite.
Like time had stopped.
Then how everything seemed to happen slowly.
Then the sound of her scream as the first bullit slammed into her body.
I tried to reach her.
But I was too late.
Then the second one.
I have been here so many times before so you would think that I knew the drill by now.
It was part of my world, this world I have chosen.
But still I never thought it would be her.
I have lost people before.
I've seen them come and go.
The faces has been many.
In the heat of battle many faces has been lost into a dark haze of memories.
This life has taught me one thing to keep them all at an arms length.
I had build my life around a set of rules.
Rules that I lived for, that I never broke, not once.
It gave my life structure.
It kept me safe.
It kept me alive.
But it also kept me alone.
But I had made a choice.
But she had managed to break through and touched my heart like no one ever could.
And I had let her.
I had been weak, wanting a piece of the life I had turned away from.
And for a single moment, for a single night, I had found myself giving her my all.
As I sat there in that hospital waiting for the doctor. I found myself crumbling.
I had let her slip away from me.
I had searched for something, anything that could give me the peace my soul craved for.
I never thought I would find it in her.
She was wrong for me in so many ways.
But it was something in the way her arms felt around me, something in the way her smile seemed to warm my heart, something in the way her mouth felt against mine, that caused me to shatter inside.
I had fallen from grace the moment I had entered her and touched her heart.
But I had turned her away.
I had pushed her away.
The safest thing you can ever do is stay still, never moving, never changing.
I clung to the life I had built and maintained convinced that she meant nothing to me.
That she was just another face in the crowd.
But today everything had changed.
The blame is mine and mine alone.
Time moved quickly for the man of the hour.
"Agent Gibbs?"
He stood before me.
A young doctor with kind eyes.
He had come to shatter me.
I could see it in his eyes.
For a single moment my heart stopped.
"Yes."
I rose.
My legs felt weak.
"How is she, doc?"
"We managed to remove the first bullet. It was lodged in her shoulder. But the second one..."
"But what?"
"The second bullet entered her abdomen hitting the liver causing sever blood loss. This caused respiratory failure and the patient falling into a coma. She has been put on a respirator and moved up to the ICU."
My voice almost cracked as I spoke:
"Jesus. What does that mean?"
As I stood there I felt a little piece of my heart detach and free fall inside of my chest.
I had been down this road before.
"She had lost a lot of blood. The loss of blood caused her breathing to collapse. This may have caused damage to her brain. But time will only tell if that's the case."
"She will be all right, doc. Right?"
I already knew the answer.
I saw the doubt in the young man's eyes.
"We'll do what we can for her."
"Can I see her?"
"A nurse will show you to her room. Do you have any way to contact her family?"
"I will call them."
My voice faded to black.
He made an excuse and left me there alone.
-
I stood in the doorway at first, afraid to move closer to the bed.
A nurse had shown me to her room.
Night had finally surrendered to the coming morning and the morning sun painted the room in gold.
My body screamed for rest but I wasn't listening.
The only sound that pierced the silence was the sounds that the machines that breathed life into her broken body made.
Her hair was spread across the pillow.
Her skin was white, almost transparent.
My hands wouldn't stop shaking as I closed the door behind me and moved closer to her bed.
I pulled up a chair beside her bed and sat down.
She looked beautiful.
How easy I come undone.
I thought I was stronger than that.
But guess I was breakable after all.
I burried her hand in mine.
Her hand felt cold in mine.
"Kate."
She couldn't hear me.
She was lost in her dreams.
I wish there were some higher power I could fight to bring her back to me.
It felt like my world was falling apart piece by piece and there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening.
It felt like I was drowning slowly.
She was everything I couldn't have.
She was never mine in the first place.
I had never believed in a higher power.
But as I sat there I prayed for miracles.
For my heart couldn't bear losing her.
I closed my eyes for a second and whispered:
"Come back to me."
--------------------
by: Jessica -
Georgetown University Hospital,
Washington D.C,
One week later
It's the little things I remember about the day she slipped away from me.
I remember the sound of the rain smashing against the car as we drove up to the house.
I remember my heart beating angrily in my chest as we walked the path to the house.
We had come to bring in the suspect in our latest case for questioning.
She walked just a few steps infront of me.
I wanted to say something, anything.
But the silence lay between us like huge wall.
There was nothing to say anymore.
I had pushed her away, far away and now I wanted a way back in.
But I didn't now how.
I remember how everything got so quite.
Like time had stopped.
Then how everything seemed to happen slowly.
Then the sound of her scream as the first bullit slammed into her body.
I tried to reach her.
But I was too late.
Then the second one.
I have been here so many times before so you would think that I knew the drill by now.
It was part of my world, this world I have chosen.
But still I never thought it would be her.
I have lost people before.
I've seen them come and go.
The faces has been many.
In the heat of battle many faces has been lost into a dark haze of memories.
This life has taught me one thing to keep them all at an arms length.
I had build my life around a set of rules.
Rules that I lived for, that I never broke, not once.
It gave my life structure.
It kept me safe.
It kept me alive.
But it also kept me alone.
But I had made a choice.
But she had managed to break through and touched my heart like no one ever could.
And I had let her.
I had been weak, wanting a piece of the life I had turned away from.
And for a single moment, for a single night, I had found myself giving her my all.
As I sat there in that hospital waiting for the doctor. I found myself crumbling.
I had let her slip away from me.
I had searched for something, anything that could give me the peace my soul craved for.
I never thought I would find it in her.
She was wrong for me in so many ways.
But it was something in the way her arms felt around me, something in the way her smile seemed to warm my heart, something in the way her mouth felt against mine, that caused me to shatter inside.
I had fallen from grace the moment I had entered her and touched her heart.
But I had turned her away.
I had pushed her away.
The safest thing you can ever do is stay still, never moving, never changing.
I clung to the life I had built and maintained convinced that she meant nothing to me.
That she was just another face in the crowd.
But today everything had changed.
The blame is mine and mine alone.
Time moved quickly for the man of the hour.
"Agent Gibbs?"
He stood before me.
A young doctor with kind eyes.
He had come to shatter me.
I could see it in his eyes.
For a single moment my heart stopped.
"Yes."
I rose.
My legs felt weak.
"How is she, doc?"
"We managed to remove the first bullet. It was lodged in her shoulder. But the second one..."
"But what?"
"The second bullet entered her abdomen hitting the liver causing sever blood loss. This caused respiratory failure and the patient falling into a coma. She has been put on a respirator and moved up to the ICU."
My voice almost cracked as I spoke:
"Jesus. What does that mean?"
As I stood there I felt a little piece of my heart detach and free fall inside of my chest.
I had been down this road before.
"She had lost a lot of blood. The loss of blood caused her breathing to collapse. This may have caused damage to her brain. But time will only tell if that's the case."
"She will be all right, doc. Right?"
I already knew the answer.
I saw the doubt in the young man's eyes.
"We'll do what we can for her."
"Can I see her?"
"A nurse will show you to her room. Do you have any way to contact her family?"
"I will call them."
My voice faded to black.
He made an excuse and left me there alone.
-
I stood in the doorway at first, afraid to move closer to the bed.
A nurse had shown me to her room.
Night had finally surrendered to the coming morning and the morning sun painted the room in gold.
My body screamed for rest but I wasn't listening.
The only sound that pierced the silence was the sounds that the machines that breathed life into her broken body made.
Her hair was spread across the pillow.
Her skin was white, almost transparent.
My hands wouldn't stop shaking as I closed the door behind me and moved closer to her bed.
I pulled up a chair beside her bed and sat down.
She looked beautiful.
How easy I come undone.
I thought I was stronger than that.
But guess I was breakable after all.
I burried her hand in mine.
Her hand felt cold in mine.
"Kate."
She couldn't hear me.
She was lost in her dreams.
I wish there were some higher power I could fight to bring her back to me.
It felt like my world was falling apart piece by piece and there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening.
It felt like I was drowning slowly.
She was everything I couldn't have.
She was never mine in the first place.
I had never believed in a higher power.
But as I sat there I prayed for miracles.
For my heart couldn't bear losing her.
I closed my eyes for a second and whispered:
"Come back to me."
--------------------