"Breakable things"
by: Jessica -
The light flickered and came to life as I went down the stairs to my basement.
Another day had passed and night had wrapped its coat around the city.
I had left the halls of the hospital an hour later, trying to find the peace my body screamed for.
But when I closed my eyes all I saw was her.
It kept eating at my centre core, making me crumble into tiny pieces slowly but surely.
I took another sip of my coffee and sat down in a corner of my basement.
The pieces that soon would be a boat stood proud and strong infront of me.
It gave me a sense of peace; to creat something with my hands.
When life got too much, when I walked too closely to the edge, this was the place I ran to.
I let myself drown in the sense of building something.
And somewhere a long the way I always found a way back to me.
But as I sat there I found myself lost.
I wasn't sure if I could erase the feeling inside.
"Boss?"
He stood at the edge of the stairs.
Tony.
"How did you get in?"
He avoided my eyes as he spoke:
"The door was open. I rang the bell but you didn't open. So, I.."
"So you just let yourself in?"
"Yeah, but..I thought.."
"Thought what?"
I rose.
I could see the concern in his eyes.
He tried to hide it but I saw through him easily.
I always could read him like an open book.
"Nothing. I was just wondering if you have heard anything?"
"What?"
"Yeah, from the hospital."
"No, nothing."
"Okay."
"Look, Tony..."
"She will be okay, right?"
"Yeah, sure she will."
"She is strong..."
As I stood there and watched as he tried to convince himself something inside of me crumbled and fell.
I nodded and said:
"Sure. Kate is strong. She will make it through this."
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
Silence settled between us like a huge wall.
I didn't know how to speak to him anymore.
"What happened between the two of you?"
Our eyes met.
"What do you mean?"
"She was so sad, Gibbs. I could see it in her eyes."
"Why did you think I had anything to do with it?"
"It's just..."
"Stay out of it, okay?"
"Why? She was..is my friend."
"It's nothing."
"Nothing. I maybe not be the sharpest tool in the shead but I could sense something was going on between the two of you. I'm not stupid, you know."
"No one is saying that."
I almost managed to smile.
"What did you do, Gibbs?"
"It doesn't concern you."
"Doesn't concern me, huh? I think it concerns me when I have to work with the two of you."
"It's over now, anyways. So don't worry about it, okay?"
I turned away from him "I just want to know what happened. What did you do?"
"I did what was right."
"What was right? What's that supposed to mean?"
"I made a mistake but I fixed it."
"Fixed it? I don't think so. You only made it worse."
"Drop it, okay."
"No. For once I will not drop it. You did something to her and now she is laying there in the hospital and.."
"Stop it..."
I turned towards him.
His eyes pierced into me and I couldn't hide the truth anymore.
"You slept with her."
His words seemed to bounce around the room and found its way inside of me and made me remember.
"I made a mistake."
"You might say that."
He ran his hand through his hair and looked at me.
I wasn't the one that stumbled.
I was strong.
Untouchable.
"You broke her heart."
"No, she told me...She said it...It was just..."
"She lied. It was so clear. I could see it in her eyes when she looked at you. I've never been great with women but she was diffrent...I could see it in her eyes...You broke her heart, Gibbs."
"I made sure...It was better this way."
"What do you mean better? For whom?"
"It would have never worked out."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"So, what happenens now?"
"Nothing. We go back to the hospital and when she wakes up everything will go back to what it was."
"You can't go back. You know that."
"I know."
"Not with her."
I smiled as I remember the first time I met her:
"She told me once that she has slept with men she has worked with. But she never lets it get in the way of work."
"Maybe it was once true...But now.."
"Stop it.."
"I'm just saying.."
"I don't want to hear it, okay?"
I moved towards the younger man. Fear taking a hold of my heart.
Fear of falling.
Fear of losing grip.
"Gibbs...she.."
"Stop it."
"She was in love with you."
"Stop it!"
"I could see it in her eyes when she looked at you. From the moment she walked into the office that day..That day when everything had changed."
"No. You are wrong."
"Maybe. Maybe not. I'm just calling it as I see it."
"You're wrong, okay."
"Fine."
"Fine."
His words echoed inside of my head and twisted the knife in my heart.
I moved away from him and turned towards the boat.
We stood there in silence for a while.
He spoke first.
"You want some help? I'm really good at this whole thing. At least..I think.."
"Leave, DiNozzo."
"Maybe we can grab a beer? I know this really great place."
"Leave."
"Okay. What about getting something to eat?"
"Just leave...Tony...Leave me alone."
"Look..Boss.. I don't think you should be alone right now."
"Get out of my house before I throw you out!"
I turned towards him.
"Boss."
"No, not this time!"
The sound of the phone ringing pierced through the room.
Our eyes met and I knew.
I have been here so many times before.
Another phone call.
I have prepared myself.
How do you prepare for that kind of pain?
I guess you don't.
You just let it happen.
I walked the path to the phone and picked it up.
My voice is barely a whisper as I speak:
"Gibbs."
I can't breathe.
"Agent Gibbs?"
"Yes."
"This is Dr. Smith. You are needed at the hospital. It's time."
I'm not ready.
Not yet.
I'm not ready to let go.
I clung to the phone like it could save me from the coming pain.
As I stood there, in my basement, I could feel my heart break and shatter for the wind and it was nothing I could do to stop it from happening.