Rei-Shinji.cjb.net presents
A Studio 402 Production
A. Amishi, Akodo Tim, Dennisud, Fenrir, and Rei_Ikari
The Courage to Live On
Book One
Chapter Two: The Guilt That Carried Him Forward...
By Fenrir
Quiet reflection was something that normally came to the pilot of Evangelion
Unit 01, but as he walked through the dark corridors of NERV, chaotic images
that were burned into his memory started to resurface. Images of blood freely
flowing out of Unit 01's hand after killing someone he thought of as a close
friend, images of Unit 00 blowing up right in front of him, images of Unit 02
falling as an Angel attacked it...
Despite his feeble attempts at trying to blame the Angels or his father, he came to realize that he was at fault. He didn't do anything right, and because of that, people he cared for were being hurt.
The dark halls mirrored his dismal mood and the shadows accepted the fact that he was useless. His eyes wandered around as he took step after step, not caring if he didn't have a destination in mind. Besides, it wasn't like somebody cared about him.
He didn't even care about himself, so why would other people try to accept him?
The commander's son was an outcast. No matter how hard he tried, he always came up short, and when he did do something right it ended up going wrong. He often found himself wanting to run away again, but he would still be in the same situation.
He would still be walking without a place to go.
Suddenly alarms started to go off, lighting the halls with red flashing lights, but the blue-eyed pilot continued walking despite the fact that he was probably needed. He was tired of fighting, and he didn't care about dying any more.
Shinji slowly crawled under the stairs and brought his knees to his chest as the annoying alarm served as a reminder of the fact that he was useless.
The thoughts that he held back somehow returned and continued to haunt the boy no matter how much he tried to dismiss the painful memories.
He wanted Kaworu to be here so he could have someone to talk to, but the Angel had asked him to take his life, stating that it was because Shinji himself deserved to live. Shinji could still remember how it felt to crush the Angel, and the sickening splash the bloody mess made.
He wanted Asuka to make fun of him because he was too weak to save her. She called for him but he sat in the entry plug like a fool, just because his father ordered that he couldn't be released. Shinji pulled his knees closer to his chest as he recalled that the auburn-haired girl had a perfect reason to hate him, and being forgiven was out of the question.
Sadly the list went on and Shinji couldn't find an end to it. He failed Touji since he was unable to help his friend when he needed help the most, he failed his friends because they put so much faith in him, and he felt he failed everyone simply because he was tired of fighting.
Not to mention Rei... he wasn't sure if it hurt more knowing that she died for him or knowing that she hardly remembered him.
The boy sighed, "It doesn't matter anymore..."
Shinji laid his head on his knees as the blaring alarm continued to go off. He honestly wanted to run away, but he accepted the fact that it wouldn't do him any good when he returned to NERV to fight the 14th Angel.
Besides, it wasn't like being anywhere else would be better.
It didn't matter though. He could stay here and nobody would bother him. If he stayed here no one would find him, and if they did manage to find him he wouldn't go. The darkness accepted the pilot and Shinji greeted the darkness with a shallow sigh.
The shadows around the young man did little to change his mood, but the darkness in his heart once again started to devour him little by little. The depression the teenager constantly fought also started to fill his mind, but this time Shinji welcomed it along with the darkness.
Trying to stop himself from feeling guilty or sad was a losing battle that the boy wouldn't even try to fight anymore.
Someone suddenly reached out and roughly grabbed him by the arm, "Come on!" The man urged as he dragged the boy from under the steps, "We have to get out of here."
The tan colored uniform and red beret indicated the man was obviously a part of NERV, but the sub machine gun that was strapped over his shoulder certainly made it known that he wasn't simply a technician.
"Get him and let's go!" Another man dressed in the same attire ordered as he aimed his gun at the corner and nervously waited to see if he needed to pull the trigger.
"Just grab the damn kid!" Someone else demanded from behind the guy in front of him.
"I'm trying, Nakamura!" The soldier quickly nodded as he let go of his gun so he could handle Shinji with two hands. The man's brown eyes were set ablaze with the rage he held behind them as Shinji tried to move away again, "I said com-"
Blood splattered and stained Shinji's shirt as the man suddenly slumped forward and fell to the ground. The soldier fell to his knees and hit the floor that was already being covered by the blood coming out of his neck.
As the boy wiped the man's blood off of his face, gunfire erupted on both sides of him.
Bullets whizzed by and the corridors were lit up with the light that came from the guns being fired. It was in that white light created by gunfight that Shinji saw the image of a dying man directly in front of him.
The blaring red light of the siren and sporadic white flashes of light combined with the ear splitting sound of the alarms and exchange of gunfire created the definition of chaos.
After a few seconds the exchange of fire stopped, and the outcome of the small but fatal gunfight wasn't well received by those that survived. More bodies were on the floor, and the air was thick with the sound of people exchanging fire as the two sides took cover as they were trained to do.
"Damn!" One of the NERV's soldiers exclaimed as he looked at Shinji standing directly in the center of the newly created battlefield, "We have to secure the third!"
It was the eye of the storm and the other side of it was quickly approaching. In many more ways than one this wasn't simply a standoff, but a war between two opposing sides.
During times of war, no one cared if heroes existed and medals didn't matter. The one who acted was the one who won.
Gunfire erupted once more, only this time it was one-sided. NERV's forces unloaded on the remaining JSSDF soldiers and held their ground until someone managed to get the third child. The second a hand was placed on the kid, a man lifted the radio to his mouth and switched it on.
"Major!" The man yelled into the speaker as he nervously waited for the soldiers to counter-attack, "Major, come in!"
"Katsuragi," The woman announced quickly, sounding as if she was already pre-occupied with something.
The attack the man was expecting finally happened as he pressed the radio closer to his face, "Major! This is Nakamura. We found him!" He could hardly hear himself over the gunfire, but prayed that she could hear his words as the men around him started dropping at an increasing rate.
"Shinji-kun!?" The woman sighed in relief, "Is he all right? What's your situation?" Her voice sounded a bit distorted, but the man heard her despite the battle raging on in front of him.
"We're in the east parkade, visitor level 4C, section 664. He's okay for now, but we're pinned down, and Route 47 has been destroyed! We need backup or none of us are getting out of here!"
"Roger. Help... way."
"Shit!" The man threw the radio away in frustration. The signal was already breaking up, and even if she did manage to gather more people here, they wouldn't be able to hold the position.
The sight that greeted his eyes when he looked up caused a look of hopelessness to replace his determined expression.
Most of the men were already dead or dying, and the only one left standing was himself. As he reached for his pistol, his eyes turned to the kid who somehow had had enough brains to crawl back under the staircase, even though it wouldn't do him any good in the long run.
Despite the fear that caused his hand to shake as he lifted the handgun up and took aim, the man managed to form a slight smile. He was a soldier... this was what he got paid for.
The pilot watched as the man fired and was shot at in return. He silently gave witness, watching as Nakamura winced when the bullets came into contact with his bulletproof vest, finally crumpling to the ground as the spray of bullets reached his head.
Shinji didn't even bother to say anything when he felt the cold metal of a gun dig into his temple a few minutes later.
"Pilot confirmed." A man dressed in all black said as he spoke into a receiver while more men appeared behind him with the same attire. "Yes sir." The man said as he acknowledged his order.
Was this going to be the end of his life?
Seconds slowly ticked away as he waited for the man to squeeze the trigger. It was during those tense seconds that Shinji wondered if he deserved to die like this, since he was too weak to help his friends when they needed him the most.
The muzzle of the gun imbedded itself deeper into the pilot of Evangelion Unit 01's skull. "Don't blame me, kid."
The sound of a gunshot echoed throughout the hall as a body slumped to the ground, and was quickly followed by another shot.
Shinji looked up as the man lifted the gun off of his head and turned it towards the person charging towards him. The Major was moving so fast that she was almost a purple and red blur when she collided with the soldier, sending both of them into a wall.
The soldier, who was trained to get out of situations like these, nearly gasped as the end of a gun appeared under his chin. Misato gave the man a grim smirk before she spoke, "Don't blame me either."
As soon as Misato finished her 'handiwork' she picked up the receiver that had fallen out of the soldier's hand when she slammed into him. The Major quickly switched it on and listened as a woman informed the soldiers that the purple one had been found and that the red one had been launched.
"Shit, they're talking about the Evangelions." Misato cursed as she dropped the receiver and grabbed Shinji's hand, "They are trying to stop you from getting to Unit 01! We have to hurry, Shinji-kun." The major said as she tugged on Shinji's arm only to discover that he wasn't cooperating.
"Leave me alone, Misato-san..."
"What are you talking about!? We have to go or we are going to die." The woman yelled as she yanked his arm. She understood that the boy had gone through a lot, and she honestly felt sorry that things were happening this way, but she wouldn't accept the fact that he was just going to let all those things that had happened to him be in vain, "Get up! I said get up, Shinji!"
He turned away as the woman tried to drag him, "I don't care anymore... I don't want to do anything..."
Misato released his hand as she bent over and faced Shinji, "Are you saying that everyone should die just because you don't want to do anything?" She asked with venom in her voice.
Shinji adverted his eyes, "I-I didn't say that."
"Then do something about it!" The raven-haired woman yelled. "What is staying here going to do? If you can help then do something, and if you can't, do the best you can do."
The Major once again grabbed Shinji's arm, "Do what you can while you are still alive," Misato turned only to see him resisting. "You can die afterwards."
* * *
Thankfully, the two of them safely made it to the car even though they happened to encounter some soldiers on the way, but as the woman looked in her rear view mirror at the pilot, she accepted the fact that she was going to have more trouble than just dealing with the JSSDF.
"They are trying to start Third Impact, Shinji-kun." The woman solemnly spoke as they drove towards the Evangelion cages.
The guilt-ridden boy didn't say anything and kept staring out the window. He honestly found himself not caring what happened.
"Shinji-kun, when it comes down to it... we all make mistakes," Misato's grip on the steering got tighter as the right words came to mind, "Sometimes people make the same mistakes over and over and can't stop making them... but if someone puts enough effort forth they can do anything."
The woman sighed, "I know you feel bad, Shinji-kun... we all do, but since we are alive we will continue to live no matter how bad it gets. I just want you to realize that."
Seeing that Shinji wasn't going to add to the conversation, Misato choose to speak herself, "I... I made a lot of mistakes, Shinji-kun. I-I couldn't help any of you when you needed me the most and even now, even when I am trying my best, people are still dying."
Misato turned and looked at the boy for a brief moment, "I know it might sound strange, but I'm asking you to help me, Shinji-kun. You are your own person and I can't make you pilot. You have to make that choice yourself."
"If you do choose to fight... I need you to destroy the Mass Production series."
That statement ended the one-sided conversation and Misato grabbed the radio from off the passenger seat. She turned it on and hoped she could reach the girl from here, "Asuka, how are things going up there?"
The radio buzzed for a moment and then the voice of the red-haired pilot came out of it, "Just finished cleaning out the attic," the girl paused for a moment, "Why was the rest of the Eva series deployed? We've got them on the run!"
"Asuka..." Shinji muttered and turned his attention back towards the window as guilt left a bad feeling dwelling inside of him.
"There's no time to explain. Listen to me; you have to destroy all of the Evas without any mistakes. I'll be sending Shinji-kun to help you soon."
"What!?" Misato could easily hear the surprise in the girl's voice, "All nine of them? With no mistakes?"
Asuka paused as she thought about the situation some more, "That's easier said than done, Misato. Have you forgotten you're talking to a convalescent here?"
Misato sighed as she saw the path up ahead. When they got across the catwalk they would be at the Evangelion's cages, "Sorry. It's not like we have a choice."
"Yeah, well, just make sure Shinji gets off his can, into his bigger can, and gets up here." The major could almost picture the girl with the traditional smirk on her face.
"I will. Good luck."
With that, Misato turned off the radio and stepped on the brake, causing the car to slide towards the large door. She took a few deep breaths to steady her nerves, checked her gun, and exited the car, "From here we have to walk, but it's not that far."
Thankfully, Shinji got out of the car on his own power, but still didn't look better than he had before. The blood on his shirt had been a cause for concern for the woman, but when she noticed that it wasn't his she was even more shocked. He had, of course, killed and watched things be destroyed, but actually having people die in front of you with that look in their eyes was something entirely different...
"Shinji-kun," Misato called out his name, and the guardian of the boy didn't speak again until she was sure she held his attention.
When no reply came from the pilot, the raven-haired woman placed the gun back
in her jacket and moved closer to the boy. "Let's go." Misato said
as she grabbed his wrist and made her way towards the closed door.
However, before she opened it she took the safety off her gun.
* * *
Time was everything.
Seconds possessed power that could make things seem to last for an eternity, and hours could last for but an instant, but it was the few minutes it took to get to the center of the catwalk that defined everything.
Peace was useless.
Peace was only sought after because people feared pain, but without pain the happiness that could only be found in peace would not be worth the hardships people survived to attain it. Thus, people needed violence in order to enjoy, and people needed happiness to be sad. It didn't take long for violence to break out and, of course, the violence was fought with violence.
Death was always waiting.
Life was precious, but so was death. Some needed to fall so others could get up, and people needed to grieve so others could be happy. Death accepted all and returned nothing. Soldiers fell dead as bullets pierced their helmets and went into their skulls.
"Run!" The woman screamed at the boy as she grabbed his collar and pulled him, firing on the JSSDF soldiers below them. She hit some of them, but when the others returned fire their presence was hardly missed.
The sub machine guns set off a brilliant light as the soldiers used them to fire at the pair. Not having enough time to be gentle about it, Misato forcefully pushed the boy onto the catwalk and laid on top of him as bullets bounced off steel.
Misato flinched when one of the bullets ricocheted off the rail and grazed her arm, "They have us pinned down."
As she thought about how she was going to get out of this one, the gunfire ended and she could hear the retreating footsteps of the soldiers. Despite the fact that it was odd, Misato decided that she would think about that later as she helped the commander's son to his feet, "Are you okay, Shinji-kun?" She asked as she started to walk towards the elevator with him in front of her.
A slight nod reassured the woman of his safety, but the look on his face seemed to say that something was wrong, "What is it, Shinji-kun?"
"You're bleeding..."
"It's nothing," she shook her head as they made their way to the elevator, "We just have to think about getting to Unit 01 now."
The woman pounded on the elevator's control panel with the butt of her gun. "Shinji-kun... you have to help Asuka."
Silence was his only reply.
"You can't depend on her to fight for everyone alone, Shinji! You have to help her."
"I don't want to..." The boy mumbled as he stood with his back to the major. "I don't want to fight anymore."
Misato turned her attention away from the elevator, "Shinji, you have-"
"I don't have to do anything!" Shinji shouted as he interrupted her, "I'm tired, Misato-san! I told you already! Y-You just don't understand!"
She slapped him. The woman was honestly sick of his attitude.
Both of them stared at each other in stunned silence until one of them was bold enough to break it.
"No, you don't understand, Shinji-kun," her voice held a tint of subdued anger as she lowered her hand, "Everyone is tired. We are doing our best to survive this and move on with life!"
The ding of the arriving elevator ended the brief conversation, and Misato slightly pushed Shinji into it as she stumbled in herself. Sometimes there was nothing wrong with being selfish, since everyone was at least a little bit selfish even if they didn't admit it, but it wasn't the fact that Shinji was selfish or anything of the sort that bothered the woman.
It just made her angry that he had the power to stop something but didn't want to.
If he didn't help the Third Impact had a good chance of occurring. The situation was almost amusing; for all she knew Shinji probably would choose to have his individuality taken away...
"Shinji-kun... what do you like doing?" She figured she might as well ask since she never knew.
Misato leaned on the wall as her hope in the boy began to fade. As she carefully watched the brown-haired pilot standing in the corner, she finally began to accept that it was a mistake to depend on Shinji.
'Ha, like he was going to answer after you hit him... Way to go, Misato.' The woman thought as she squeezed her wound.
"Being with my friends..."
"Huh?" His guardian murmured in surprise.
"I really did, Misato-san... I didn't mean for any of these things to happen," Shinji paused as he searched for the right way to voice his feelings. "I don't mind if they hate me now though."
"If they are your friends they won't hate you."
"They should..."
"Why?"
"I couldn't help them..." Shinji just stood there and said it out loud, and he would say it again if he had to. He wasn't unlucky or anything like that, he just didn't do anything.
He could have refused to kill him, he could have broken free, and he could have made it in time, but he just didn't.
"You need to stop lying to yourself, Shinji-kun," Misato sighed, "You know you couldn't do anything, but you just want to blame yourself out of guilt. You want them to hate you for the same reason."
She walked to the pilot and wrapped her arms around him. In a different situation Misato would have laughed as Shinji, but this one was far too serious, "You're just like me... we want to help so many people, but we can hardly help ourselves."
He didn't say anything as the woman hugged him, but he appreciated it all the same.
"So many things have to be in vain... It's already too late to tell them sorry, but you do what you can." Misato's embrace started to get tighter as she went on, "I didn't mean to ask so much of you, Shinji-kun... you-"
"I'll do it..."
As if on cue, the elevator doors opened and Shinji bolted out of the room, leaving the woman behind as he ran towards Unit 01.
She jogged to catch up with the pilot, but knowing that he was going to get in Unit 01 was reason enough to make her thankful. It wasn't long before she was just a few feet behind Shinji, but the sight in front of him looked grim.
The woman nearly lost her balance as she watched the Evangelion break free of the bakelite it was encased in and shoot out an arm, which Shinji quickly hopped over the rail and got onto.
"He's going to make it in time..." No sooner than she said the line,
her radio started to beep and the woman turned her attention away from Shinji's
entrance into the Eva. Misato pressed a button and the alarmed voice of man
flowed out of the speaker, "Major, Doctor Akagi has escaped."
"Huh how?" Misato asked completely puzzled.
"When she was temporarily freed to prevent the Magi takeover." Makoto cleared his throat, "We just found the guard dead."
"Do you have any idea where she went? We might need her help!"
"Well-"
"Never mind," Misato flicked off the radio as a thought suddenly came to mind, 'I think I might have a good idea where she is...'
"Shinji-kun! Where are you! Asuka, she... she!" Maya's panicked voice came through the loud speaker causing her thoughts to temporarily be thrown off track.
"What about Asuka!?" Misato yelled out to no one in particular, "What happened to her!?"
As the woman reached for her radio to inform Shinji, a sudden wind came out of nowhere knocking her to the floor. She could have sworn she heard lighting strike as she held onto the rail to prevent herself from being drawn into the whirlwind.
She was actually succeeding until she was hit by a piece of debris...
* * *
He wanted to see everyone again, even if he had to endure pain to do so. He wanted to be able to keep saying sorry while still enjoying the time he spent with them. He wanted to laugh when he was happy and he wanted to be able to cry when he was sad.
Shinji was determined to fight anything that tried to stop him from doing so.
Unit 01 spread its wings and started to rise out of the GeoFront with hurricane speed winds surrounding it. Needless to say, the GeoFront gave way to the massive bio machine and the top of it was destroyed as the Evangelion released some of its power.
The monster was now released upon the world and its enemies. Anything with enough brain cells to survive would stay clear of its path, but the Evangelions that flew overhead were programmed to fight, and that was what they planned to do.
"Asu-" His words were lost when he saw what remained of her Eva...
Pieces of Unit 02 hung out of the mouth of most of the Mass Production series, and what was left on the ground of the Evangelion was almost enough to make his stomach turn. The head was torn in half, the torso was torn to bits, and the legs and arms were ripped off.
He suddenly felt strange, but this feeling was familiar to him. It was between sorrow and rage, but not quite as extreme as either one. It was almost like an agitated but calm sense of fury that pushed him to tears.
His scream was filled with enough anguish to part the Evangelion's mouth so it could roar as well. Unit 01 lost its wings and fell back to the ground with its eyes blazing white with revenge.
As the monster known as Unit 01 arched its back and roared, something streaked through the air towards it. Moving too fast to be indentified, the object crashed into the ground beside the raging Evangelion.
Although the dust from the impact was still thick, one would be able to see the gigantic red shape of a spear that seemed like it was hurled at the Earth by a God. The lance was firmly stuck in the ground and, despite how angry he was, Shinji calmly accepted its arrival.
The berserk Evangelion gladly grabbed the weapon. It was going to destroy all of them, even if it got destroyed in the process.
Despite the roaring Evangelion below, the Mass Production series continued to fly in formation until one of them was pierced with the red lance and quickly fell to the ground.
Shinji commanded Unit 01 to pry the lance from the grounded Evangelion and was preparing to do the same to the others, when he found that they had already descended to the ground, prepared to do battle.
With the image of the destroyed red Eva still fresh in his mind, Shinji forced Unit 01 to charge the remaining white Evangelions.
Reckless was the word that came to mind as Unit 01 expanded it's AT field and started to strike down every Evangelion that faced it. Even though they got up on occasion, he would keep fighting till all of them stopped moving completely.
In all of his fighting, the original purpose behind this madness was lost. He was supposed to be fighting to stop Third Impact, but now he was blind with revenge. Another one of his friends was dead and he was at fault... so all he could do was fight to stop it from happening again.
Unit 01 dodged Unit 10's strike and dashed forward shoulder first to knock the white Evangelion to the ground. The purple Evangelion roared as it raised the Lance of Longinus above its head, but slumped forward as a fake copy of the lance impaled its chest.
"What..." The pilot whispered as the Evangelion started to power down and fell to its knees as the Mass Production series started to regenerate.
The last image Shinji saw on the display was that of the Evangelions closing in with almost mocking grins on their faces.
* * *
Author's note: (2004-2-26)
What do I have to say... o.o? Nothing. I'm wasting space, time, and lives with this author's note. e_e
Fenrir dodges the produce thrown at him.
Seriously, I'm glad I'm a part of Studio 402, and although my pen-name is Chibi Fenrir, I decided to go with my forum name since this is a group project and not one of my own. I wish I could say that I have spent countless days working on this, but I can truthfully say that I always had the support of everyone else from the group. I would like to thank all of them, especially Ms. Ayanami-chan, for without her, this probably wouldn't even happen. I also would like to thank our fellow forum member, Syndikos, for coming up with the idea.
Personally, I feel that allowing me to be in the group was good enough, but letting me be the one to write Shinji made me really glad.
In closing, I would like to thank the readers and reviewers for taking time to read our story, and if you want to, please visit the forums. You may like it.
Who is the next chapter by you ask? By Mr. A. Amishi of course. ^_^
Oh well, too bad the guy has to write from Pen-pen's point of view. O_O I gave the secret away. O_O
Sorry for the delay and thanks for reading. ^_^
~ Fenrir