A standalone fic written after 'Tow The Fertility Test.' PLease review and let me know what you think!! Enjoy!!!
You need hope
"I can't believed you lied to me…Twice!" Rachel moaned as she followed Phoebe up the stairs to her apartment. "I mean, the first time was understandable, I guess but the second was just wrong!"
"Well, what about you!" Phoebe said, turning to face her. "You give me that speech about being true to what I believe in and having principals?!"
"Yes, well like I said I admired you for having them and that I don't have any!" Rachel repeated what she said earlier.
"So that makes it alright for you go and have a massage at a place you knew I didn't approve of?"
"Exactly!" Rachel replied as they reached the hallway between her's and Joey's apartment and Monica's and Chandler's.
"Okay, I'm sorry I lied…."
"Right, thank you…" Rachel said, she frowned when she noticed Phoebe staring at her. "What?"
"Aren't you going to say sorry too?"
"Why, I don't have any principals!" She said again just as Joey and Ross came out of the apartment to join them.
"Hey, guys, what's going on?" Ross asked, bouncing Emma up and down in his arms.
"Phoebe's been secretly working for a massage company and made me feel guilty for get a free massage because of her principals!" Rachel said, pointing an accusing finger at her causing her roll her eyes.
"Right…okay…" Ross said slowly.
"So, you wanna see what for dinner?" Joey nodded towards apartment 20, not really listening to their conversation.
"Yeah, wait till I tell Mon!" Rachel said, pushing her way to the door and opened it.
They all looked confused at each other when they walked into the apartment and found it dark and empty.
Just as they were about to call out to see if their friends were there Chandler appeared, walking out of their bedroom.
"Hey, when's dinner?" Joey asked as soon as he saw him, as he looked through their fridge. None of them noticing his tear stained face in the dark light.
"Shh, keep it down…" Chandler whispered. "I've just got Mon to sleep…don't wake her…"
"What is she..2?" Phoebe joked, wondering why her friend was asleep at 7pm.
"Or are you practicing for when you have a baby?" Ross laughed lightly.
"Yeah, Monica's not even pregnant yet…" Rachel added, before getting a bit excited. "Or is she?"
Chandler stared at them, their words cutting through his heart. Baby, Monica, pregnant.
He felt tears spring in his eyes, he thought he had cried himself dry but obliviously he was wrong. He tried to fight the tears, not wanting to alarm his friends. He didn't think he would be able to explain to them only hour after he had to tell Monica.
"Are you alright?" Joey asked, straightening himself from the fridge when he noticed a shiny film covering Chandler's eyes.
"Erm, yeah…just can you guys us some time alone tonight, please?" Chandler said, hoping they wouldn't ask any questions.
"What's going on?" Rachel asked, moving closer to Chandler, concerned when she saw the state he was actually in and could see he was fighting with his emotions.
"Nothing, we're just both really tired…" Chandler forced a smiled, shoving his hands into his pocket, something he did when he was nervous or upset.
"Is something wrong with Mon?" Ross questioned, casting a look towards their bedroom door that was slightly open.
"No, she's fine…I'm fine…" Chandler said, little more harshly then he intended.
"Chandler…" Ross started, moving towards him, knowing something was wrong.
"Everything's fine…" His voice cracked as he struggled to keep hold of his emotions.
"Well, I'm going to ask Monica…" Ross decided, realising Chandler wasn't going to admit anything.
Chandler froze of the spot when he saw him pass Emma over to Rachel, the first time he noticed her there. His eyes glued on her as Ross moved towards the door. He suddenly realised what he was going to do and ran after him, grabbing him by the arm, stopping him going any further.
"Ross…please….please don't…" He pleaded weakly. He had spent the last couple of hours holding and listening to his wife crying; making promises he wasn't sure if he'd be able to keep. He couldn't go through that again, not yet, not before he had chance to get his head around it himself.
Ross was about to jerk his arm away from Chandler and go ahead into the room, worried there might be something wrong with his little sister but when he saw the look in Chandler's eyes he stopped, glancing at the other as they looked on confused and concerned.
"We got the results back from the doctor's…." Chandler let go of him and looked to the floor.
"And?" Rachel prompted gently but they all knew from the way he was acting it wasn't going to be good news.
"They….they said…. They think…." Chandler struggled to find the words while also fighting to stop his tears from falling from his eyes.
"They think what?" Joey asked impatiently, gaining glares from the other three for his insensitivity.
"There's a chance…" Chandler nodded, positively. You need hope, there's gotta be hope…he told himself silently.
"But?"
Chandler closed his eyes, the phone call with the doctor repeating in his head.
"They don't think it's going to happen…." He whispered almost un-heard.
No one spoke, they just looked at him as he continued to stand with his eyes firmly shut, all of them knowing it were to prevent the tears that threatened to fall.
Rachel was suddenly very aware of Emma in her arms, her mind racing with what Chandler must have been feeling. She loved Emma with all her heart but part of her couldn't help but feel guilty when her best friends were having so much trouble.
"How's Mon?" Ross asked, breaking the silence.
Chandler shrugged slightly and moved towards the couch, collapsing down on it.
"We spent the last 3 hours crying… talking about our options…making promises that we both know we might not be able to keep…" He rested his head on a hand, while his eyes rested on the picture of their wedding, which hung by the TV. "She cried herself to sleep about 15 minutes ago…"
"Chandler, I'm so sorry…" Rachel said tearfully.
He nodded slightly, not trusting himself to look at her and Emma or to speak.
"Is there anything we can do?" Joey asked.
"Can you tell me why?"
"Why?" Joey frowned, looking around at the others, questionably.
"Why us? Why her?" He stood up, a hint of anger in his voice.
"I don't know, sweetie…" Rachel placed Emma on the couch and reached out to touch Chandler's arm.
"It's her dream to be a mother and I've messed that up…" He sobbed slightly dropping back down on the sofa. He knew he had get all his feelings out before Monica woke up so he could be there for her.
"Chandler, you can't say that!" Ross told him. "What did the doctor say? Did he say it was your fault? That it was something you did?"
"No…." He took a deep breath. "He said it was both of us…that if it was just one of us, we could have been okay…."
"See, it's not your fault, okay….you've just had some bad luck…" Phoebe told him.
"Yeah and if anyone can get through this, you and Mon can…." Rachel added. "You're the strongest couple I know!"
The others nodded their agreement but Chandler once again had stopped paying attention to them, his eyes fixed on Emma.
"I freaked out so much when I thought it was Monica who was pregnant…." He whispered. "But when I thought about, it made everything so perfect…."
"You'll still get that!" Joey insisted, he knew, he didn't know much about the medical side of it but he did know that both Monica and Chandler deserved to have the perfect family.
Chandler nodded, his tears had stopped falling, once again thinking he may have cried himself dry. "I just can't but wonder sometimes…."
"Wondering what?" Ross asked, curiously when he stopped suddenly in mid sentence.
"That she should have chosen Richard…." He mumbled, hanging his head guiltily for saying the words out loud.
"How can you say that?" Ross asked shocked. "She loves you, not Richard!"
"I know…. I'm sorry…. it's just if she was with him, she would have everything she wants by now…"
"Except you…" Phoebe told him. "If she chose him, she might have kids, she might not but she didn't and doesn't love Richard like she loves you…"
"Yeah and me and you both know what its like to grow up with parents that don't really love each other…" Rachel added.
"Yeah…I know…I'm sorry…I guess I'm just tired…" He forced a small smile and rubbed his eyes dry.
"Don't worry… this will happen for you guys…" Ross reassured him.
"Yeah…" He nodded.
"Look, why don't I got put Emma down and we'll all watch a movie or something?" Rachel suggested.
"Yeah, good idea…it will take your mind off it…" Phoebe added.
"No… I appreciate the offer and all but I think I'm just going to go to bed…" Chandler said. "We gotta go back to the doctor's tomorrow and all…so…"
"Okay, well… you know where we are if you need us…" Ross told him slowly, not really sure whether to leave or not.
"Yeah, thanks guys…" He smiled at them slightly as they walked out, leaving him alone in the dark apartment.
He sighed before heading towards his and Monica's bedroom. He jumped back, startled when he saw her standing by the door.
"Hey…" He smiled slightly. "How long have you been there?"
"Long enough…" She replied, quietly. "They're right, y'know?"
"Who?" Chandler frowned.
"The guys…I'd never choose Richard over you even if it did mean having a bunch of kids…""You heard that?"
"Yeah… you just remember I love you…not Richard…not no one else…" She told him, holding onto to his hand, while gently pulling him over to their bed, sitting down on the edge.
"I know… I just want you to be happy…"
"I am happy with you…" She squeezed his hand tightly. "And we will get what we want…we've just had a set back…but it'll be okay…"
"Yeah, you right…I'm sorry…" He closed his eyes, hopefully stopping the tears that threatened to well up in his eyes.
"No, I'm sorry… I was so upset myself, I never thought about how you were feeling…" She let out a small cry, causing Chandler to pull her into his arms.
"Don't worry…okay? We'll get through this, together…" He promised. "No matter, what…we'll be okay…"
They stayed like that for the rest of the night, not talking…just holding each other until they feel asleep in each other's arms.
When Monica woke up the next morning, she felt a bit better. It was a new day and she was determined to get what she wanted… a family with Chandler… no one else.
When she looked over at him, she saw he was still asleep. She smiled when she saw the peaceful expression on his face; kissing him lightly on the cheek as she pulled herself away from his arms, ready to start breakfast…leaving him for another hour of sleep.
Chandler's eyes fluttered open when he heard the soft click of the door close behind her. He rubbed his blurred eyes as the events of the day before came back. He sighed sadly and got out of bed himself.
He pulled open his closet and as he reached for a pair of jeans, a small bag at the back, caught his eye.
He slowly picked it up, knowing what was inside. He opened it and pulled out the baby outfit that had 'I Love New York' written across it. The only people, who knew he had brought it was Phoebe and Ross. He never told Monica about, planning to hand it to her as a surprise when they'd have their own baby. Part of him said, that would never happen… there wasn't a big chance of it happening and they'd have to be lucky…Chandler was never lucky.
He smiled slightly before folding it back up, neatly and placing it back in the back of the closet…while telling himself:
"You need hope….there's gotta be hope…"
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