Temari's Halloween Special:
Freddy, Jason, Alien, and Predator vs. Temari, Kankuro and Gaara
Author's Note:
Most of you will probably find this pretty retarded. Also if I controlled the rating system this fic would be rated G but since I don't its rated R for profanity and violence. And why is Temari the title character? Because she's my favorite Naruto character of course. Also I don't have a beta so I had to proof this myself so I may have missed a few things.....
One night in Hidden Sand, Temari and her brothers Kankuro and Gaara were in the living room of their small stone house watching Nightmare on Elm Street 23: Freddy Dies Again and laughing at how Freddy was making wisecracks as he killed people.
"Your funeral is going to cost an arm and a leg, haha." laughed Freddy as he ripped off a girl's arm and leg.
"Oh my god Freddy is such a genius! He should have his own HBO comedy special." said Kankuro laughing so hard a piece of popcorn came out his nose.
"Give me a break, he should have his own sketch comedy series like Dave Chappelle you tard." snapped Temari.
"I've never seen someone's spleen rupture like that........" commented Gaara in awe, taking down notes on his notepad.
Just then Baki-sensei walked in. "Now kids you're not old enough to be watching Freddy Krueger movies....." he said gazing on them with disapproval.
"But Baki-sensei......." whined Kankuro.
"No buts!!!" shouted Baki slicing the TV in half with his wind blade attack, the device blowing to pieces in a hail of sparks. "Now you probably don't know but tonight is Halloween."
"What the hell is that?" asked Gaara.
"You dumb ass." said Temari going into "I'm smarter than you so pay attention to what I have to say" mode, pictures popping up behind her magically to help her tell the story. "The original concept of Halloween originated from the Celtic civilization that existed roughly 2000 years ago. Their new year started November 1st. It was believed that on the night before, October 31st, that the world of the living and the world of the dead overlapped, allowing spirits to roam free. On this day they celebrated Samhain, in which they dressed up in weird costumes and had huge bonfires. However by 43 A.D. the Romans had taken over most of the Celtic territory. They combined two of their holidays with Samhain. The first was Feralia, the day to honor the dead. The second was the day to honor Pomona, the goddess of fruit and trees. Anyway, by the 800's Christianity had made its way to the Celtic lands. Pope Boniface IV made November 1st "All Saints Day" a day to honor saints and martyrs in an attempt to replace the Celtic festival of the dead with a Church sanctioned holiday. All Saints Day was also known as "All-hallows". The night before, October 31st then became known as "All-hallows Eve" which eventually evolved into "Halloween". Today Halloween is celebrated without religious significance, well for most people anyway." she looks over only to notice that Gaara and Kankuro have fallen asleep. "Don't sleep while I'm talking to you!!!" she yells, kicking them in the balls repeatedly to wake them up.
"You bitch don't do that!!" cried Gaara grabbing his throbbing gonads.
"Man screw this, I wanna watch more Freddy Krueger......" complained Kankuro.
"No, that stuff is for adults like I said." replied Baki. "But you kids can go trick or treating instead. And luckily I have your costumes right here!" Baki pulls out three ninja costumes. "The first one is for you Temari." he said handing her a white ninja outfit. "Its a replica of Storm Shadow's outfit from GI Joe. The original GI Joe, not that computer animation crap nowadays....."
Temari had no idea what he was talking about but took the costume and put it on.
"Next is your costume Kankuro. Its a replica of Ryu Hayabusa's outfit from that new Ninja Gaiden game for Xbox." said Baki handing him the costume.
"Kick-ass!" exclaimed Kankuro putting on the costume.
"Hey why does he get the cool looking costume!?" shouted Temari.
"Because I said so!" shouted Baki. "Now, here is your costume Gaara...." said Baki handing him the last costume.
"...................." said Gaara, taking the costume and putting it on.
Temari and Kankuro immediately fell to the ground laughing.........
Gaara got really pissed and his right arm transformed into the Shukaku arm and grabbed Baki by the throat, pinning him to the wall.
"Now Gaara...... Michaelangelo was the most popular of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles after all......" said Baki, gasping for air, trying to reason with him.
After Gaara had broken a sufficient amount of Baki's bones the Sand Trio left the house to go trick or treating.
Meanwhile on the outskirts of town, Freddy, Jason, Predator and the Alien Queen rode up on bad-ass motorcycles.......
"Mother fuck!! I can't believe we're lost again! You and your stupid fucking directions Jason!" shouted Freddy.
"Bullshit! My logic is flawless! Hollywood is in California, California is near Arizona which is near the desert, so therefor we have to go through the desert to get to Hollywood........" said Jason, getting sick of Freddy's attitude.
The Predator tried to comment but his language sounded like a rabid dolphin to human ears.
"Shut the fuck up!!"shouted Freddy. "I don't want to hear another word out of you until you learn to speak E-N-G-L-I-S-H you fuck!!"
"Roooaaarrr ughhhhaahh riiiiioarrrrr." commented the Alien.
"Tsk, you're such a complainer." said Freddy turning to the Alien.
"Wwwwwaooooarrr gggaaahhhh." suggested the Alien.
"Alright, alright. We'll stop at a gas station to ask for directions." said Freddy. "I swear, you females just don't know how embarrassing it is for us guys to do that though....."
The Predator glared at them from behind his mask.
The four monsters then drove into town.......
Meanwhile Temari and her brothers made their way to the first house on their block. Kankuro rang the doorbell. A few seconds later a random sand shinobi answered the door.
"Trick or treat!!!" shouted the Sand Trio.
"What the fuck....." said the sand nin, not understanding what the hell was going on. Then he saw Gaara and burst out laughing.
Gaara immediately grabbed him by the head with his Shukaku arm and pulled his head down so that they were face to face. "Get us some motherfucking candy or I'm going to kill you." said Gaara calmly.
The sand nin got so scared he pissed his pants and did as he was told, supplying the group with a dozen blow-pops.
"Oh cool! Green Apple is my favorite!" said Kankuro unwrapping one.
"Don't eat it now you retard!!" shouted Temari bitch slapping him. "We have to wait until we're finished trick or treating and are back home to eat our candy. Its a tradition."
"Ok ok, damn....." sighed Kankuro putting the blow-pop back in the bag. The Sand Trio then systematically visited every house on the block and moved on to other areas of the town. Gaara's death threats worked quite well at getting people to supply them with candy.
Meanwhile at the Hidden Sand Palace, the Kazekage was watching some porn vids on TV when all of the sudden one of his assistants burst into the room.
"My Lord!!!! We've received reports that three foreign ninjas are rampaging through the city!!!" he shouted.
"What!? Who the hell are they?" exclaimed the Kazekage, hitting the pause button on his remote.
"Well, from the information we've gathered its Storm Shadow, Ryu Hayabusa and......... Michaelangelo........" said the shinobi.
"The painter?" asked the Kazekage in surprise.
"Uh, no.... the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle....." replied the shinobi, a bit unsure of himself.
"Holy fuck!!! We've got to do something!!!" shouted the Kazekage getting to his feet. "Mobilize the entire Sand Army!!!!"
"That won't be necessary Kazekage-kun......" came a voice from across the room.
"Orochimaru!! My most trusted adviser who I depend on for even life's most simplest tasks!!!" exclaimed the Kazekage falling at the snake like man's feet, tears of joy in his eyes.
"Just leave everything to me. I know just how to deal with those foreign ninjas...." said Orochimaru, a hint of evil in his eyes.
Meanwhile Freddy, Jason and the Alien pulled up to the gas station on their motorcycles. The Predator had gone off in search of worthy opponents to kill. The Alien went into the shop to ask for directions while Freddy and Jason got off their bikes to relax a bit. But that was short lived as the girls in the area caught site of Freddy......
"Like, oh my gawd!! Its Freddy Krueger!!!" shrieked one girl. Her and about twenty others all threw themselves onto Freddy in total adoration. It was known fact that chicks dug Freddy for some reason.
Jason began to get pissed. "Uh, excuse me. I'm Jason Voorhees and I've killed a lot of people too you know......." he said.
"My god, you look like something Choji ate, crapped out, ate again then crapped out again....." said one girl looking at Jason.
"Those cloths totally came out of the bargain bin pal." said another.
"Whats wrong with my cloths!?" shouted Jason in disbelief.
"You don't have style like Freddy here." said one girl rubbing Freddy's striped sweater.
"He looks like motherfucking Bill Cosby in that thing!!!" exclaimed Jason.
"Jerk off! Your just a butt ugly psychopathic freak in a hockey mask!!" shouted one girl, flipping Jason off.
"He's nothing but a butt ugly psychopathic freak without a hockey mask!!!" shouted Jason pointing at Freddy in exasperation.
"Face it Jason, you're just plain ugly and thats a fact." said Freddy smugly.
That was too much for Jason to take and he jumped on his motorcycle and quickly drove off before anyone would see him cry.
Meanwhile the Sand Trio had moved onto another house and Kankuro rang the doorbell. Surprisingly, Kakashi came to the door.
"Trick or....... what the fuck are you doing in our country!?" exclaimed Temari upon seeing the stoned Leaf jonin.
"Huh? What country is this again?" said Kakashi, not really knowing what was going on.
Gaara didn't have time for small talk and grabbed Kakashi by the throat with his Shukaku arm. "Give us some candy or I'm going to use your head as a door stop." said Gaara threateningly. He had been getting creative with his death threats over the last couple of houses.
"Well I don't have any regular candy......." explained Kakashi.
"So what the hell kind of candy do you have?" asked Kankuro skeptically.
"I got some adult candy." replied Kakashi with a happy grin.
"Get is for us. Now." demanded Gaara.
Kakashi went into the house and came back with a zip lock bad full of assorted pills. "Here ya go!" he said pouring the pills into the kid's bags.
"Since when is prescription pain medication considered candy......." said Temari dryly.
"Oh you'd be surprised." said Kakashi. "I hear Rush Limbaugh likes the little blue ones. I hope you enjoy them."
The Sand Trio realized they weren't going to get any real candy from Kakashi so they left to look for a new house to terrorize. As they were walking down the street they noticed Jason sitting in an ally way crying.
"Oh my god its Jason!!" shouted Kankuro, happy to see one of his role models.
"Jeez, you are such a dumb fuck." said Temari. "Thats obviously a rival trick or treater dressed up as Jason."
"Lets kick his ass and take his candy!" shouted Gaara heading for the ally.
The Sand Trio rushed over to Jason and were beating the hell out of him before he had time to draw his machete. Soon Jason lay on the ground in a pool of blood with a ton of broke bones.
"Hmmm..... I don't see any candy bag on him...." said Kankuro.
"Maybe we should have verified that before beating him within an inch of his life......." commented Temari thoughtfully.
Gaara grabbed Jason by the face and slammed him up against the wall. "Where the hell is your candy sack you fuck." he demanded.
"I...I have no idea what your talking about....." said Jason, in fear for his life.
"If you don't tell me where it is I'm going to have to take it out on your other "sack"......" said Gaara threateningly.
"W-what the hell are you talking about......" said Jason, not understanding what Gaara meant.
Before Jason knew what happened, Gaara ripped his balls off and threw them down into the darkest depths of the alleyway where a rat immediately grabbed them and ran off never to be seen again.
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT MY BALLS!!!!" screamed Jason grabbing his crotch.
Gaara let Jason fall to the ground. "This fool doesn't have any candy apparently."
"Ya think?" snapped Temari sarcastically.
"Lets go." said Gaara.
Meanwhile Freddy was getting tired of waiting on the Alien Queen to get directions to Hollywood and the fan girls that were practically groping him were getting on his nerves too.
"I don't know how to tell you girls this but you're a bit too old for my taste." said Freddy. "And a bit too..... how shall I put this...... female. Yes." Freddy then sliced them all to death with his claws.
"Bravo, bravo my dear." said Orochimaru standing over near a gas pump. "Spoken like a true homosexual pedophile."
Freddy turned around. "MJ, so you got yet another face job huh? Looks like shit."
"Wha...." said Orochimaru, clueless as to what Freddy was talking about.
"So thats why you sold Neverland, so you could hide out here in the desert so they couldn't send you to jail. Pretty clever." said Freddy.
"Uh, yeah, whatever." said Orochimaru. "Anyway, would you like to come to the palace with me? I have quite the collection of young boys there......"
"Heheh, I'm always up for a good penetration." said Freddy. "Hop on my bike."
Orochimaru got on Freddy's bike and wrapped his arms around him.
"Oooooh so sexy....." cooed Orochimaru, feeling his washboard abs. "You workout?"
"Yeah I got a Bow-Flex......" said Freddy sarcastically.
Meanwhile as the Sand Trio were making their way down the street suddenly the Predator jumped down in front of them!!
"Another rival trick or treater I see." said Temari. "Lets make sure he has some candy before be kill him this time."
The Predator was confused as to what she was saying but was determined to fight. He made a short speech about the honor of his clan and how glorious the battle was going to be.
"What the fuck!? This guy sounds like Flipper...." said Kankuro, the Sand Trio laughing at the Predator.
The Predator's eyebrow twitched in annoyance behind his mask. Apparently talking wasn't getting him anywhere. It was time to fight! The Predator slashed at Temari with his claws, but she ducked and drew the sword that had come with her costume. She executed a perfect strike, hitting the Predator in the neck. However the plastic weapon bounced off him harmlessly.
"What the fuck!?" exclaimed Temari but she was knocked to the ground by a shot from the Predator's plasma gun.
Kankuro then send Karasu and Kuroari after the Predator but they were destroyed easily. Kankuro got so scared he nearly pissed his pants. The Predator then punched him and nearly knocked him out.
The Predator then moved onto his next victim. He doubted he would get much honor for killing the short green thing standing in front of him but he figured it was worth a shot. He removed his mask to show his opponent his true face before he killed him. It was a matter of honor.
"Oh my god, he looks uglier than the last whore Baki-sensei brought home......" exclaimed Temari upon seeing the Predator's butt ugly face.
However just as the Predator tried to slice Gaara in the head, Gaara punched him in the stomach with his Shukaku arm so hard that he Predator fell to the ground coughing and gagging.
"Oh man, he sounds like a cat with a hair ball in its throat....." commented Kankuro in amazement.
The Predator continued to gag and cough until he coughed up the head of a Hello Kitty action figure.......
"Oh man..... thanks dude...." exclaimed the Predator, clearing his throat. "I totally swallowed that thing as a kid and have had a speech impediment ever since."
The Sand Trio's jaws nearly hit the floor upon learning that the Predator had the voice of Wayne from Wayne's World.
"Doo doo doo-doo doo doo doo-dee dee dee dee dee....." the Predator hummed the tune to the original Super Mario Bros. game as he punched in some numbers on his wrist thingie.
"Uh, what the hell are you doing....." asked Temari raising an eye brow.
"Well since you bodacious little dudes beat me fair and square I'm going to totally self detonate. The mondo cool explosion will take out this entire block." said the Predator as he finished putting in the code numbers. "I'd say you guys have about........ 30 seconds before we're all blown to hell. Way cool huh?"
"Oh no we're all going to die!!!" shouted Kankuro, more scared than he had ever been.
"Shut the fuck up!" shouted Temari, quickly hopping on her fan and carrying Kankuro under one arm and Gaara under the other as she flew off as fast as possible.
Luckily the Sand Trio managed to escape as the explosion destroyed the area they just came from. She then threw them both to the ground and hopped off her fan. "Mother fuck Kankuro lay off the twinkies! Do you know how hard it was carrying your fat ass like that!?" exclaimed Temari, all out of breath from the effort of carrying Kankuro and Gaara. "We're going to have to start calling you Choji from now on....."
"What the fuck ever." said Gaara. "Lets go get more candy."
Meanwhile the Alien Queen was in the gas station store talking to the two guys behind the counter. It was the same two Arabian guys from the movie Booty Call.
"Oh you are here for the condoms yes?" said one guy in a thick Arabian accent.
"Bwaaaaaaaa raaaaoorrrrr." replied the Alien.
"Oh, so you are female. Very good, very good. We have tampons and maxi pads for you." said the other guy.
"Roaaaarrrrrr." said the Alien, getting annoyed.
"So you just want directions to Hollywood, yes?" said the other guy. "Well let me see......." He thought about it for a minute then pointed to the right. "I believe it is in that direction, yes." he said.
"Reeeooorrrrr uggggaahhhhh." responded the Alien, an anime sweat drop appearing on her head.
"Yes I can be more specific. Follow me outside." said the guy.
Him and the Alien went outside and the Arabian guy pointed to the right again. "It is in that direction my friend." he said.
"Braaaooorrrr." said the Alien, hopping back on her bike.
"You are very welcome my friend." said the Arabian guy, waving as the Alien Queen drove off.
Meanwhile Freddy and Orochimaru were at the Sand Palace, eating expensive foods at the fancy table.
"Not bad huh?" said Orochimaru, eatings some mountain oysters.
"This is pretty good." replied Freddy eating a chitlin. "But do you have anything to drink?
"Of course." replied Orochimaru with a sly grin. "Would you like some Jesus juice?"
"Wha...." began Freddy.
"Kabuto!! Bring us some Jesus juice. My little......." said Orochimaru.
"Beeyotch......" replied Kabuto coming in with two open soda cans and giving one to Orochi and one to Freddy.
"You don't expect me to drink from an already opened can do you?" said Freddy skeptically.
"Just trust me." said Orochimaru taking a sip from his can.
Freddy took a sip..... "Holy shit, this is wine!" he exclaimed. "You tricky bastard....."
"Haha, its one of the tricks of the trade." said Orochimaru, taking another sip.
"Heh, well I like my victims to be sober so they squirm more." said Freddy.
"Thats fine, I don't allow Kabuto to have alcohol anyway. We can double team him later." said Orochimaru. "Isn't that right my little......"
"Beeyotch....." replied Kabuto with a sigh......
Just then the door bell rang.
"Ah, that must be them now." said Orochimaru. "Wait right here Freddy-kun. I'll be back in a minute."
Orochimaru went to the front door of the Palace and opened it to find the Sand Trio standing on the front porch.
"Trick or treat!!" they shouted.
"Ah, such darling costumes. You all look so cute!!" squealed Orochimaru like a little school girl.
"Why the hell are you here? Can't dad answer the door himself?" said Temari.
"Well he's busy decomposing....... uh I mean, taking a bath...." said Orochimaru, nearly giving away the fact that he had killed Kazekage, raped his corpse, and fed him to a pack of wild pitbulls.
"Give us some candy or I'll rip your face off......" said Gaara menacingly. Somehow, Orochimaru wasn't intimidated.......
"Uh, how about these fresh candied apples......" said Orochimaru taking out three candied apples and putting them in the kids bags.
"You will be spared..... for now." said Gaara. With that the Sand Trio left the Palace.
"Heheheh, just wait you brats......" thought Orochimaru to himself, realizing the Sand Trio didn't expect a thing.
It wasn't long until Temari and her brothers finished trick or treating and finally returned home.
"Time to eat candy!!!" exclaimed Kankuro, digging into his candy bag.
As they were eating Gaara suddenly cried out in pain as he bit into the candied apple Orochimaru had given him.
"Agh shit!!! Somebody put a mother fucking razor blade in my apple!!!!" shouted Gaara, pulling the razor out of his tongue.
"Haha, sucks to be you!" said Kankuro, taking a bite into his apple. "Holy fucking shit there's a fucking razor in here!!!" cried out Kankuro in pain.
"Well there are crazy satanic freaks out there you know....." said Baki-sensei.
Temari looked at her candied apple, hesitant to eat something that Orochimaru had given her. "Hey Baki-sensei, you want my apple?"
"Oh sure." said Baki, catching the apple as Temari tossed it to him. "Agghggg fffuuuuuuccckkk!!!!" He screamed as he bit into it, a razor blade lodging in his gums.
An anime sweat drop appeared on Temari's head.
Meanwhile at the Palace, Kabuto lay unconscious on the floor of Orochimaru's bed chamber, totally worn out from the "attentions" of the two pedophiles. Freddy had passed out on the bed and Orochimaru was in the bathroom. He splashed some water on his face, "Damn, that was tiring. I haven't gotten that buck wild on Kabuto in ages." Too his horror, his face melted off as he rubbed more water on it, revealing the face of.....
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MICHAEL JACKSON!!!!!
"Bring on the childeren......" said MJ in his gay-ass voice, then cackled like a maniac.......
The End!!!
Author's Note:
I know I'm not supposed to use all caps in the story but "Holy fucking shit my balls!!!" and "Michael Jackson!!!" just don't have the same impact as their capitalized counterparts. Also if you were wondering why Freddy and the others wanted to get to Hollywood its to get revenge for those retarded VS. moves.