Part 3: A Journey of Separate Hearts – Regrets

Spoiler to part 3: a little bit of Boomerang I & II, Adrift I & II, The Measure of Men

The front door closed and neither Harm nor Mac said something for a few minutes, both lost in their own thoughts.

Mac was the first to find the way back to reality. "That was an exciting morning, wasn't it?"

Her words brought him back and he gazed at her face, her brown eyes sparkling and her lips forming a wide, bright smile. Their eyes locked for a moment then he replied smiling, "Yeah, that wasn't what I expected when I decided to jog in the park this morning."

"You're right, that wasn't what I expected, either. By the way, why were you up so early this morning? It isn't exactly usual your time, flyboy. What is it that kept you from getting your beauty sleep? Bad dreams, little boy? And no mommy around you to comfort you?" she teased him laughing.

Harm knew that Mac was only joking, but instead of reacting in the same teasing tone, he became serious and looked her straight in the eye. "In fact, I couldn't sleep last night and so there was nothing else for me to do, to take a jog in the park."

She was slightly shocked by his serious answer and then it hit her. "Why did you come to 'this' park? You had to drive nearly half way across the town to come here, and besides that, there's a wonderful park close to your apartment. So why here, then? You hardly ever do that – especially for the last few months!"

He looked away knowing that she had caught him. That and the fact that she knew him so well made him suddenly angry. "Hey, I didn't know that this was only your park. According to the Declaration of Independence, we're living in a free country and are free to do whatever we want and go wherever we want. And besides that, it's 'not' true that I don't come down here to jog in 'your' park, maybe not so often as before…" his voice trailed off realizing that he had already said too much.

Mac was hurt by his angry voice, but even more because of not finishing what he started to say. He had done this since the time after her cancelled wedding. He hid every emotion and even yet, he couldn't let go. And that hurt so much, because she slowly got the feeling that there never would be a chance for them to sort things out and have more than a friendship. She scarcely believed that they could come back even to that – their old friendship.

"Before what, Harm?" she snapped back with angry fire in her eyes. "Before you rejected me in Sidney Harbor? Before you decided you preferred to renew your qualifications and crash in the water than be at my rehearsal dinner? Before I cancelled my wedding? Before you asked me to come to your place after Mic's leaving and then was rejected by you again because of Renee?"

He hadn't expected this. He wasn't prepared for all these bad memories coming back again. Damn! He didn't even know how they had come to this point. He didn't want to face all that now, so he backed away. "Look, Mac," he breathed slowly and went on more calmly, "I don't want to go there. It's not the right place or the right time to discuss this. Anyway, I have to go now. I do need to do some grocery shopping. So would you be so kind as to let it go for now? I don't think either of us needs the company of the other at the moment."

That was enough! Mac shouted at him, "Sure, run away like you always do. It's never been the right time or the right place and for sure it never, ever will be. I'm through with you, Commander Harmon 'never show any feelings' Rabb, Jr.! Leave me alone and don't even try to talk to me on Monday!"

Her voice had risen even more while shouting at him. She was angry, hurt and close to tears, so she turned on her heels and ran away! So fast that he wasn't able to stop her. He couldn't believe what had happened. One moment they were the well-trained partners and friends, who knew each other better than anyone, and the next, they couldn't even talk to each other like normal civilized human beings.

When had their relationship become such a mess?

If he were honest with himself, he would know the answer. He couldn't handle the situation in Sydney, but he had only needed some time. But instead of waiting for him to finally let go, Mac couldn't get into Brumby's arms fast enough. And then after her wedding was cancelled and she was willing to talk and go on with their relationship, he couldn't because of the death of Renee's father – no, not only because Renee's father. To be honest, in a way he was happy that Mac and he weren't able to talk. Because he was terribly scared of that, even though he was the one who urged her to come to him that miserable evening. He regretted that he couldn't be there for her. He felt sorry for not being brave enough to go further! And then on board of the Guadalcanal, he hated himself for not saying directly what he felt for her, what he finally would give up to have her. Everything! He knew that inside – still he tried to deny it.

He was lost and felt broken. She had never been so angry and looked so hurt. And he was the reason for it. A long time ago, he swore to never let her get hurt by anyone. But again and again, 'he' was the one who hurt her the most. Mac was dead serious this time.

'Oh no…Rabb, you really screwed things up! This time she might be not able to forgive and forget,' he thought and finally went home.

Unnoticed by both of them, Martha had watched everything from the window.

"This is not going to happen. These two stubborn people are not going to be allowed to fall apart. I won't let that happen." She'd known both officers only for a few moments, but even then, Martha realized that Harm and Mac had a special connection to each other. She didn't know what kind of problems these two young, lovable people had, but she was willing to do anything to correct that. Even if she had to force them to sit down and talk to each other. And she knew a dinner would be a great opportunity to do exactly that. She smiled slightly as the plan formed in her mind.

February 3rd 2003, Monday

1430 Zulu (09:30 hrs EST)

JAG HQ

Falls Church, Virginia

Commander Harmon Rabb entered the bullpen not surprised to see everybody busy. He was late this morning, but that didn't matter because all of his cases were nearly finished. He only had to do the paperwork. And the research for his new client had been finished last week. So he decided to arrive later to avoid Mac as long as possible. He was a little bit disappointed though that her office was empty. Although he tried to deny it, he'd missed her the whole weekend and his mind always went to her. He was afraid of seeing her, but nevertheless he would do anything to put things right between them.

Later that day

1730 Zulu (12:30 hrs EST)

Harm's office

Harm was busy with all the paper work and didn't find the time to talk to Mac. Besides that, she was in court nearly the whole time, but had returned an hour ago. Now it was lunchtime and he figured that it would be the best opportunity to talk to her and buy her lunch to calm her down. So he closed the file he was working on and went straight to her office. The door was open and he knocked on the doorframe to let her know he was there. He really tried to avoid anything that would make her angry again.

"Hey, Mac, I'm hungry and it's time for lunch. How does a big Beltway Burger sound to you? Or we could get some Chinese. You're lucky today. I'm in an open-minded mood. I'll buy you whatever you want," he said laughing showing his best flyboy grin.

No reaction…Mac seemed to be somewhere else. He went around her desk to look at the small sheet she was holding in her hands while staring at it. He recognized the lottery coupon Martha had given them and he could only grin at the thought his Marine Lt. Colonel was lost in dreams about European cities.

"Earth to Colonel MacKenzie, where are you?" he waved his left hand in front of her eyes. This woke her up from her daydreams and she jumped slightly when Harm spoke again.

"Hey, Mac! Nice dream? You know it's only wishful thinking that we could win the jackpot!"

He annoyed her. Not only had he disturbed her sweet daydreams about beautiful countries and towns, no, he had the impertinence to make fun of her and her dreams.

"Why is it you always have the worst timing, huh? Don't you see that you're disturbing me?"

"Jeez, Mac, come back to reality. Come on; don't tell me you believe we're going to win that trip. You can't be that naïve. Mac, let's go to lunch – I'm starving and I'll bet you are, too." He laughed.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Being funny? Oh you fool – you aren't," she snapped back angrily and then continued, "Maybe I 'am' that naïve, but that's none of your business. Oh, let me rephrase that: It's none of your business anymore!" With that, she stood up abruptly and stormed out of her office leaving him alone with his jaw nearly hitting the floor.

"Grrr, – women! Especially female marines – stubborn as hell! What's going on with her?" he asked himself out loud. "Oh damn her, I'm tired of her ups and downs. Forget it, Rabb!" he grumbled angrily and left the office.

He hadn't reached his office yet when his phone rang. He took the receiver and nearly yelled "Commander Rabb" into it.

"Oh…hello, Commander Rabb. It's Martha…Martha Robin…Do you remember me?" the soft voice on the other end of the line asked shyly.