The next day, Voldemort received a surprise on his doorstep: the kid that delivered the newspapers had actually managed to get the paper on the doormat. Wow. Also, there was an invitation for an FHE activity that night.
Voldy stared at the invitation for a long time. He couldn't figure out what "FHE" meant for the life of him. But he did admit that it was a nice invitation. It was on pink cardstock, disgustingly cute, and had happy face and unicorn stickers on it. Evidently, someone in this FHE was also in the local Relief Society. Or a Mia Maid.
An idea slowly entered his mind. He slipped the invitation into one of those new Ziplock bags and took it to the lab, where he convinced the undergrads playing around there to dust the invitation for fingerprints. Soon his suspicions were realized: Mary Sue Giles had left that invitation.
There was only one thing to do: He had to go this FHE thing, whatever it was. Because Mary Sue would be there.
"Voldemort!" everyone exclaimed as he entered the random apartment the invitation had directed him to. "How come you never come to FHE?"
"Because I don't know what it is," he replied.
"Ooh!" went Dalton. "Neither did Legolas when he first went to FHE! Did anyone know that?"
"I didn't!" said Hyrum in amazement.
Eldon sighed. "Legolas isn't real, you two."
"NOOO!!!" exclaimed every girl in the room. Except for Mary Sue Giles. She had been paired with Legolas in dozens of fanfics, so she already knew he wasn't real. Besides, she was trying to figure out just why Voldemort was there.
"FHE stands for Family Home Evening," someone finally explained. "Don't worry; no one ever comes so no one ever knows who their family is."
Voldy felt very stupid.
The lesson was on Eternal Marriage—at least, it would have been if this story was taking place at BYU-Idaho, but it's not. But someone read a quote that could probably be related to Eternal Marriage in some way, so that was good enough. Then, to Voldy's horror, someone pulled out a deck of cards and suggested they play Scum.
So he sat back and watched Mary Sue remain President time after time. She would make a good president, he thought.
After a while, just watching the card game became boring. He noticed a jar on the kitchen table. He tried to ignore it, but it became so tempting. In fact, it called to him.
"Voldy," it whispered in a psychotic tone that only Voldy could hear. "Voldy. Pick me up, Voldy."
So he did. He took off the lid and saw dust. He immediately realized what it was.
"Hey," he said to the guy sitting next to him. "Did you ever see that movie "The Singles Ward?""
The guy looked at Voldy as if he were some idiot who never went to FHE.
"Well, there's this great scene in it where the main character is at Family Home Evening and picks up this jar of ashes belonging to the family's old dog. He asks the guy sitting next to him if he's ever seen the movie "Meet the Parents." The guy says no. So the main guy tells him about this great scene where the main character of that movie pops a cork and it hits this jar of ashes. . ."
The guy didn't seem to care, so Voldy put the jar back on the table. Only it landed on the DVD remote. The DVD player turned on, revealing a Disney movie. Everyone screamed. The jar itself rolled from the table onto the floor, spilling the ashes everywhere.
"The rotting brown sugar!" a girl cried. "I was going to use it for a science project!"
"Sugar?" Voldy repeated. "I thought it was. . ."
"You are so morbid," Mary Sue hissed. "You make a sick joke about that after ruining that science project. You're despicable."
Voldy left FHE that night, no closer to winning Mary Sue's heart than before.
But the DVD incident did inspire him to buy a big screen TV. TVs were pretty cool.
Dalton, Hyrum, and Eldon helped him set up the TV fine, but the DVD player had to be hooked up through the VCR, which would play a tape at some random channel whilst intercepting signals from Russian satellites in order to get the DVD player to even turn on.
"Hey," said Hyrum, coming from the kitchen. "What's this?"
Everyone gasped when they saw what Hyrum held in his hand. It was a note. A nice, clean note, nothing fancy.
"Someone's being almost normal in an effort to ask you to Preference!" Eldon screamed.
"Wow," whispered Voldy. "Who's it from?"
"Dunno. It says that she will be flogged by society if she doesn't do something creative, so you have to meet her at Hogi Yogi."
"Mm," said Voldy. "I like Hogi Yogi. But I really don't want to go to Preference, especially with someone I don't know."
"Maybe it's from Mary Sue," Dalton suggested.
That changed his mind. He hopped in his car and drove to Hogi Yogi.
He gasped in horror when he saw who was waiting for him.
To the readers: Any suggestions for who it should be? I haven't decided yet.