A/N: Wow… I actually bothered to update! And how long have I been working on this story? EFY is being held at my campus, so perhaps that was a bit of inspiration.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the Singles Ward, EFY (and I have nothing against it), Hogi-Yogi, Monty Python, or Hilary Duff.
However, later that day, Voldy found he did care. Oh, not about Mary Sue—he had prepared and hardened his heart against thought or feeling for her. But while he had spent a care-free time at Hogwarts, Provo had suffered. A certain, dreaded attack that came every summer bringing with it the sole consolation that the students at BYU-Idaho suffered more: the Especially For Youth conference. EFY.
Barely had Voldy and his friends come within five miles of campus when the first horrible incident happened, in the one place they thought would have been safe. The plane ride had been a long one, and Dalton, Hyrum, and Eldon were always up for food. So, in perfect innocence, they headed over to Hogi-Yogi.
And there they were. Whiney little teenagers in white t-shirts and blue lanyards oozing more angst than even Harry Potter during the fifth book. They filled the restaurant, chatting and screaming and giggling and taking forever on their orders while the overwhelmed employees raced to their every whim.
"No!" screamed Voldy. "All I wanted was the new low-carb thing where they wrap all the usual Hogi-Yogi stuff in a piece of lettuce and charge you extra!"
Eldon sighed dramatically and pulled out his calculator. After a moment of configuration, he sighed dramatically again. "Judging by the fact that we have thrice the BYU student body in EFY kids crammed in here, it'll take us until Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince gets done and the editors write Voldy out of it and make the male Blaise Zabini an important character to get our sandwiches. Curse EFY!"
"Hey, did you know that Eloise Midgeon brought her laptop to Hogi-Yogi and spent the time waiting for her order fiddling with the bricks on Rowling's website?" Dalton asked.
"Really?" Hyrum replied.
"Yeah, and did you know that when the author attended EFY at BYU they weren't allowed to go off-campus or annoy anyone?"
"Wow… now the poor girl's at BYU-Idaho."
So Voldy was forced to return to his EFY kid-infested apartment without any low-carb Hogi-Yogi lettuce sandwich thing.
And the next day, in a regressive moment of full Voldemort power, he announced that Hilary Duff, signing copies of her new novel Lizzie McGuire and the Pillar of Storgwas just outside the Hogi-Yogi. All the kids believed him, ran outside, and he was able to order. And, somewhat to his surprise, he felt no guilt.
Yet he knew he should. He knew what he did was wrong, and he knew he shouldn't feel any hatred toward the EFY kids, as annoying as they might be. Something was wrong with him, and he didn't know what it might be.
So, one night, he drove out to the canyons to ponder his strange life. From orphan to Head Boy to infamous Dark Wizard and enemy of Harry Potter to BYU student. . . how had his life gone in so many different directions? And for a time there, he had felt he was doing the right thing. Actually, that sense of right had come several times—plotting to take over the world could do that to one—but never had the downtime felt so bad as this.
It was more than just missing Mary Sue. It was something else. Maybe, if he just let the EFY kids have their fun, if he just went to FHE or whatever it was called once in awhile to eat girl-made cookies, if he let the seminary students play whatever they wanted on the piano. . . were activities really so bad?
He reminisced on favorite moments in his life. A long romp through the fields behind the orphanage with Snowflake. Sticking "kick me" signs on Dumbledore's back. Getting the Death Eaters to run through Wal-Mart in pink, bunny-print boxer shorts. The time on his mission when the potatoes had attacked. Such memories. It almost seemed as if there were a background song creating a full musical interlude.
He must have fallen asleep, because the next thing he knew were two little boys throwing gum at his face and a parking ticket on his windshield. He shouted some Avada-mumbo-jumbo and sent the two boys running. Then he climbed out of the car.
"I've really been in a slump," he declared to no one in particular. "But I think I'm beginning to learn that I do have to socialize with and fellowship others. I have to be nice to people. Because insert corny dramatic speech."
"Are you okay?" Dalton asked.
Voldy turned to see his friends, standing next to Zack's new car, staring at him. He blushed. "Er. . . I'm trying out for a part in a new seminary video?"
They exchanged looks that clearly said "what a loser."
"So what are you guys doing?" he asked, eager to change the subject.
"We're going to push my new car off a cliff!" Zack exclaimed happily.
Now that was exactly what Voldy needed to calm down.
While they strung up fireworks to create the best possible explosion, conversation fell to Mary Sue. As it turned out, she was to leave for Hogwarts—that very day.
But it couldn't be. Voldy suddenly realized that he still loved Mary Sue, and he couldn't bare to see her teach at Hogwarts, especially as a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.
"We have to stop her!" he shouted.
"Huh?" Everyone let go of the car they were in the middle of pushing to stare at Voldy, and the car rolled toward the cliff's edge, struck Voldy's car into the abyss, and quickly followed suit.
The fireworks did make for a more than decent explosion.
"Dang it!" Voldy cried. "Now we'll have to run dramatically!"
So Dalton and Eldon grabbed some coconuts to bang together, and the four friends rode all the way to the SLC airport. There, after somehow getting through security, they found Mary Sue about to depart.
"Where did you get those coconuts?" she asked, not even noticing Voldy. "They're not native to Utah, are they?"
"We found them," Hyrum said happily. "An European/African hybrid swallow dropped them."
"But they don't migrate through Utah. . . "
"Never mind." Voldy got down on his knees and took Mary Sue's hand. "Mary Sue, I know that I've been a complete jerk lately, but I know that I can change, because, well, Mary Sue, I love you!"
Mary Sue gasped.
"I love how you can do everything, how all the prophecies relate to you, how you have connections with all the great canon characters," he continued. "Mary Sue, will you marry me?"
She stared at him, jaw slack. "I. . . Voldy, this is ridiculous. I'm about to leave for Hogwarts like. . .," she glanced at her watch, "right now! And the Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers are supposed to be single!"
"But you're a Mary Sue! You're expected to change that! I'll even start going to ward activities!"
"I. . ." It became too much for her. She burst into tears. "I love you, too! Yes, I'll marry you! Why don't you come with me and we can both be Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers?"
"Two professors?" a random passer-byer exclaimed. "Now that would be original fanfiction!"
It was a ridiculous idea, but what did it matter? Happily Voldy and Mary Sue kissed while everyone cheered.
SHOUT OUTS!
sugarsprite: Yes, Voldy the missionary. Not a good idea.
v-babe24: Thank-you! And Panther Cap thinks you're sexy.
cry missing: I don't think any part of this fic has a point. And sticking sporks in even a tiny lawn takes forever.
kateydidnt: Yes, you should be kicked out upon the age of 30. But do you want to tell that to Lord Voldemort?
Written in Stars: Barnaby the Frog lives in your house!