He didn't know how long he had been sitting their thinking about it- his head was running around in circles. He herd the noise of a vehicle pulling up into the driveway, and didn't need to glance through the large bay window to know it was Terri and Kim returning, the cars familiar engine noise told him so. Just recently it had started stalling all of the time for no reason, and he could recognise the sound of the engine jerking - he decided that he would fix it over the weekend.
He heard the door open and the sound of rustling paper bags, which he assumed were bulging with groceries. He didn't get up and go help them bring them in as he usually would, he stayed put, still thinking of Walsh.
"Jack?" He herd Terri call from the kitchen.
He didn't reply.
"Dad?" Kim wailed so he could hear her, wherever he was in the house.
"Shhhh..." He herd Terri say, now softening her voice. "He's probably still sleeping, lets not wake him honey."
Next he herd Kim giggle mischeviously. "Still! He is never moaning in at me for overlaying again, its half past four in the afternoon!" She giggled again, but Jack felt no emotion at the sound like he usually would. He had no desire to tell them where he was, he didn't have the energy to pretend everything was okay - it wasn't, Richard was gone, because of him.
10 minutes later the groceries were all in their places in the different cupboards around the kitchen. Terri jumped when she stepped into the living room and saw Jack sat in his chair, staring blankly at the wall. She wondered why he hadn't answered her earlier, but dismissed it, it was clear that their was something wrong.
"Hi darling, I didn't know you were down here, didn't you hear me call for you?" She spoke softly, not wanting to aggravate him. Suddenly she realised that she no longer felt the same way about him as she had last night, seeing him like this made her heart hurt, she wanted to comfort him, take away his guilt, he looked so vulnerable, she thought.
It seemed like forever before Jack finally turned and looked at her, trying to force a smile, unconvincingly. Terri walked over and kneeled down before him, looking up into his eyes concerned.
"What's wrong?" She whispered.
"Nothing... I ...." He tried, but he could think of nothing. He couldn't put up the everything's fine' front he used to be able to pull off so easily before. "I just got a phone call... and..." He broke off shaking his head in denial, he couldn't believe he was actually telling her this, he was supposed to protect her from his work, and here he was, about to pour his heart out like a contestant on a bad talk show.
Terri said nothing, she could see the struggle going on through his eyes alone. They no longer looked bright and piercing, they were dim and sad, gloomy even. She softly rubbed his arm her way of telling him she was their for him.
"Someone I worked with.... is dead.... and the funeral is tomorrow.... but...." He was having trouble speaking, he was trying not to let his emotions get the better of him, but his voice was starting to crack. "I don't know if I can go, I don't know if... if they will want me their." He closed his eyes as he said it, in fear of crying.
"Oh hunni, who is it? And why wouldn't they want you their?" She looked at him sympathetically and he realised that she didn't have a clue about his guilt. He was wrong to tell her, she was a civilian, she didn't understand. How could he tell her that it was his mentor, and that he was personally responsible for the mans death. She wouldn't understand, she couldn't.
He shook his head again, angry at himself for being weak enough to try confide in her, he should have known it would only worsen the problem.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have bothered you... everything will be fine." He spoke sharply, and Terri easily noticed the change in his mood. He had made the transition from saddened to annoyed.
"Are you sure its fine?" She asked gently, not wanting trigger him.
"Yes." He leant over and kissed her on the cheek before standing up to leave, and he silently noted how she no longer seemed as tense as she had before. He was a little relieved by that, at least something was getting better, he thought. "I'm going to go take a nap if you don't mind, I'm still really tired."
"Okay sweetie, I'll wake you when suppers ready." She said, her arms now folded across her chest as she watched him leave the room. Something was definitely not right, and she was unconvinced by his weak attempt to persuade her that he was okay. She wanted to tell him this, but knew from experience that it would only make things worse for him.
Jack walked to their room and laid back on the bed, staring intently at the ceiling. 'Okay,' he said to himself quietly. 'Walsh is dead, I can't change that now. After the funeral its gone, just like him. I have to start looking after my family, and that's not going to happen if I sit here feeling sorry for myself.'
He pulled himself up into a sitting position and quickly got up off the bed and made his way into the kitchen where Terri was pouring some pasta strips into a pan full of boiling water. He snuck up behind her and snaked his arms around her waste, before nuzzling against the back of her neck. He felt Terri stiffen up instantly, but then she relaxed when she herd him chuckle, as though she realised it was him and not somebody else. He wondered about this but the thought quickly left his mind as she turned around to face him, wrapping her arms around his neck, pulling him closer.
"Don't ever leave me Jack," she whispered in his ear.
"I wont."
He couldn't think of anything else to say, so he didn't, in fear of ruining the moment. Instead he just stood their and held her, finally thinking that everything was going to be okay again. Terri's response was to cling to him tighter as she held onto him, trying not to cry. She felt safe by his words, and was finally beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, they could be a family again, and put the entire ordeal behind them.