Oooh all these lovely reviews - you guys will give me a big head!!! To be honest, all the fantastic insights into pregnancy and the male mind are all thanks to my online friend SD Pokemom (who was crazy enough to have 2 of the blighters!), my boyfriend Kirk (please no Star Trek jokes. I realise the humour behind being a sci-fi junkie and having the Cap'n of the Starship Entermyarse as a love-bunny) and all my other male friends. It just took my bizarre imagination and much coffee to bring the two together. And apologies for the promise of slash and Lister's problem rectified last chapter. I had a sudden change of heart and decided to put my Kryten-only chapter early. Anyway, back to the story (there will be one or two more scene-change chapters just to bulk up the story, but it'll all slot nicely together like one of those mosaic jigsaw puzzles). The masturbation sub-plot will appear again next time. Over a month since his last monkey spank. The horror!
"Rimmer!" Lister bellowed down the hallway. Rimmer pounded down as fast as his light-bee could project him and skidded to a halt a few feet past the door. "What is it?!" he panted, holding onto his chest in case his heart fell out. It felt like it just might. Lister stroked his stomach tenderly. "I can feel 'em."
"Feel them?"
"Moving about. Rimmer it's amazin'! It's like... it... honestly man I can't describe it." Lister's grin grew incomprehensibly wide and Rimmer feared his face would split in two. "Wonderful, Listy. What exactly are they doing?"
"Just movin' about and stuff."
"You have such a way with the verbs and adjectives of our Mother Tongue. Heaven forbid you should ever have to write a novel. 'These hobbit things, yeah, were like going to this place and stuff in the middle of somewhere.' would be a great start to any story."
"Ow!" Lister flicked his stomach in fierce retaliation, but only succeeded in hurting himself more. "One of the little smegs just kicked me. The other's kind of... jumping or something."
Rimmer looked through the book for the 4th month and concluded, "That'll be hiccups."
"Yeah that's what it's like. It's just not me doin' it. It's really cute."
"Lister, if you gush anymore than you already are, I'm afraid I'll have to go and empty my stomach's contents on you, and you wouldn't like that." Lister shrugged and lay back on the bunk with a self-satisfied smile. This was great. He ached, he was swollen, itchy and wanted to eat everything in sight. But they were worth it so far. He wouldn't be alone. He'd finally have company other than a bitter hologram, a computer that was a few oats short of a flapjack and the vainest creature since Harrison Ford. Ok, so for the first few years they wouldn't have much to say and their first words would probably be 'Goalpost-head', and their first coherent sentence would most likely be a Space Directive. But there was a small spark of joy in David Lister. He knew that now, his species wasn't dead. There would be more universes to visit. His kids could find girlfriends, get married, and the population would begin anew. Humans had evolved from sludge before and they could do it again.
The next couple of weeks breezed by. Lister ate and contemplated life as a single mother. Rimmer teased Lister about his belly-button (the strain of two babies growing had caused the poor thing to become an outie, and one of the ugliest outies in existence. It made Mackenzie Crook look like Johnny Depp in comparison) and abandoned 'Dr. Watson-Smyth's Guide to a First Pregnancy: Platinum Edition' for a while to read up on 'Dr. Watson -Smyth's Guide to Your First Baby: Extended Version', written by the previous Dr. Watson-Smyth's husband. Chosen because the extension to it had a lot of great advice for parents of multiples. A deck below theirs, the Cat was still 'playing' and making fantabulous suits and shoes and other cutesy, yet fashionable, baby items. He was even inspired enough to make two blankets with 'J' and 'B' stitched in the bottom-left corners for when they were born. Lister was given strict instructions that the babies weren't allowed into them until the gunk was cleaned off of them. "That's alright Cat, you can make sure of it," Rimmer piped up.
"I can?"
"You'll be there to help with the birth, won't you?" Lister said. The Cat backed against the wall nervously. "Hey, no-one said anything about THAT. I'm a cat, not a doctor. I'm not even Indian!"
"You're the only choice we have, you stupid smeg. We don't want you to help at all, but you're the only one who can hold the babies when Lister's giving birth." Lister waved at Rimmer to shut the smeg up and patted the Cat on the shoulder. "I really want you to be there. Y'know, I helped your great-great-great-moregreats-grandmother out when she was pregnant. I wish I'd been there for her birth too but I was in stasis. So it'd be really great if you could help out in her memory. Just once. I'll never ask you to do anything ever again. No early-morning feedings or potty-training." The Cat considered this. For about 3 milliseconds. "Nope."
"Cat! Please?!" The Cat gave Lister a sympathetic rub on the back and went back to his suits. "I guess..." Lister began but was cut off by Holly. Her head wobbled onto the wall and she greeted them with as much enthusiasm as she ever had. "Alright?"
"Not really," sighed Lister and he walked up to the observatory. Holly followed him. "He's just worried about getting his clothes dirty. Look on the bright side - he's a cat. He'd probably just eat them as soon as they came out." Lister laughed weakly and gazed out at the emptiness of space. He suddenly felt very alone.
Author notes;
Harrison Ford - sorry, I don't like him :0)
Mackenzie Crook and Johnny Depp - both starred in 'Pirates of the Caribbean', of which I'm an ardent fan. Yes, I admit I'm a sheep. Baa.
Dr. Watson-Smyth - hands up all those who thought the doctor was a guy. Well now you know she's not.
Indian doctors - I'm not racist, it's just that all the doctors I meet seem to be Indian :S