Disclaimer:
Hannah: I do not own Harvest Moon. O_o; Nor do I own the Bachelor. So there!
Harvest Moon: The Bachelor
~*~Seven Girls, all vying for Jack's affection. Only one will be his bride. Karen, Elli, Ann, Mary, Popuri, Sara, Jill. ~*~
As the chickens pecked at the chicken feed in the chicken barn and the cows ate their fodder, one unsuspecting gentleman was about to have his life changed FOREVER. He would soon be joined by seven young ladies, vying for his affection.
He would first meet the young ladies, and take them on dates. Later on, meeting their parents, and perhaps even popping "the big question". This fellow was about to go on a journey of a lifetime, a journey for love.
The doorbell rang, and a man with dark brown hair wearing blue overalls, a blue cap, and a red hankerchief tied around his neck opened the door. "Why hello!" He said, smiling to the cameras, and one very cute brunette standing outside his door.
The brunette was wearing a white tank top, and blue jeans. She grinned, "I know I'm hot, and you can't resist me, but you must." She turned around, taunting him by shaking her behind till the cameraman asked her to stop. "Oh, right..well I'm Hannah the host of THE BACHELOR, and you, Jack are the bachelor."
"Hell yeah!" he exclaimed with delight. "I'm so happy, so where are my whores?" he asked, over eagerly.
Hannah looked at him strangely, "Ahem, Your WHORES?!?" She put her hands on her hips, glaring at him.
"I mean.uhm.beautiful young ladies." Jack corrected himself, turning beat red. "I really did mean to say that, honest!"
"Well let's get one thing straight. They are not YOUR whores. They are MY whores.I pimp them.." Hannah yelled harshly, all of a sudden a lawyer appeared. Hannah looked astonished, and started stuttering nervously. "I m- mean.erm, t-they aren't really mine per say." The lawyer glared at her with the purest of evil in his dark eyes. Hannah couldn't take it anymore, she broke. "They are Natsume's whores!" Hannah yelled out, as tears filled her eyes. "I am a fraud!" The lawyer nodded satisfied with this, and disappeared.
Jack looked at Hannah as if nothing had just happened. "So when will they be here?"
Hannah grinned, right before she could say a word the doorbell rang again. Jack opened the door and a cute brunette, with blonde highlights and beautiful green eyes was standing there, smiling. "I think I'm in love." Jack told himself.
Although the girl was very pretty, Hannah could see something else too. She sensed this girl had a TRUE MURDEROUS NATURE!
"Hi..I'm Karen." The girl said, giving Jack a sly wink and inviting herself in. "Got any booze?"
Jack smiled, "I'm Jack!" he yelled out loudly. "Shit! Real smooth." Jack slapped his forehead, talking to himself.
Karen looked the boy up and down. "Well that's nice, but what I really want is some booze. Got any?"
Jack looked at Karen strangely, then shrugged. "I should have some in the fridge."
"Excellent." With that said, Karen proceeded into Jack's kitchen. The sound of rustling bottles was heard. Suddenly, Jack heard a glass break, he jumped up stunned and ran into the kitchen, where he saw her drinking a glass of wine. Three bottles were already finished, and thrown on the floor. Shattered glass surrounded the table as Karen giggled. "I'm easy when I'm drunk." She muttered.
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY KITCHEN?!" Jack lashed out.
Karen suddenly erupted into laughter. "Relax dude! It's just booze!" she said, taking another gulp. "Fuck yeah!" She lashed out, throwing the glass against the wall. "I am hammered! I feel so friggin raunchy now!"
Jack's frown suddenly disappeared and a sick grin crossed his face. "Alright then Let's go get jiggy!" he yelped as he tugged on her hand, causing her to fall out of the chair and onto the glass. "Eep! I'm so sorry!"
Karen growled. "Oh god yes!" She got up, rubbing her thighs. "How I long for someone..I feel, so horny." She said giggling, and slurring her words. "I need a man to pleasure me."
"I'll pleasure you!" Jack volunteered.
"Eww!" Karen screamed, glaring at Jack, while grabbing another glass to fill with wine. "I would never sleep with you! Don't talk to me so much!"
Jack gasped. "What did I do wrong?!"
"Everything! I hate you! Go to hell you hell whore!" She broke the bottle over his head and hissed. "I can't believe you would even consider me in the same ranks of you! You disgusting piece of shit!" She began kicking his unconscious body. "I'll be in the shower, and when I come out THERE BETTER BE A GLASS OF WINE WAITING FOR ME!" She sealed the deal with one last kick and retreated to the bathroom to shower.
Hannah shook her head laughing. "Pathetic." She crawled over to Jack, and slapped him. "Wakey wakey! Eggs and Bakey!"
Suddenly Jack shot up, "No! Please don't molest me!" realizing the actual situation, Jack turned a flustered red. "I mean.well, you could if you wanted to!"
Hannah turned pale, "What do you think I am?! SOME KIND OF WHORE?!"
"Well...." Jack started, as he began to trail off.
"Don't answer that!" Hannah slapped him again. Suddenly, moans were heard from Jack's bathroom. "What the hell is that?" She questioned. Getting up, and quietly tip-toeing over to the door, Hannah pressed her ear against the door.
Jack gasped. "Hey! She's taking a shower in there!" after saying that, an idea crossed his mind. "Unless you wanted to join her?"
Ignoring Jack's comment, Hannah began to open the door. She slowly peered inside. "ACK!" Nothing had prepared her for what she had seen in that moment. Karen was in the shower alright, along with half the town's males including the harvest sprites!
"Would you like to come in?" Karen asked, in a sluttish manner. Hannah shook her head frightened. "No it's quite alright."
"I'd love to join you!" Jack smiled.
Karen threw her head back sheepishly as she was thrusted from many different directions. "I don't think so, Jacky boy. I don't sleep with men who have small wee-wee's."
"WHAT?! Where did you get that information?!" Jack cried out.
"In Mineral Village's 'People' magazine! They said that sex with you is like a dentist, you don't feel a thing." Karen laughed. "Looking at you, I could have guessed that. They also said you have crabs."
"I do not!" Jack yelled as he pulled his pants down revealing himself. Suddenly everyone erupted into laughter. "It's not that small!"
"I've seen smaller." Hannah remarked. "Then again, I always give my infant cousins baths." She shrugged.
Karen was laughing too. "I'll have sex with you when hell freezes over you small-dick loser!" with that said, the bathroom door slammed shut, and the doorbell rang.
"Your second guest is here." Hannah stated the obvious.
Jack quickly scurried over to the front door to greet his new guest. "hello!" he said eagerly as he opened the door to a short, and fat girl with short brown hair and chestnut eyes. She wore an old fashioned dress and apron.
The girl smiled and hugged him tightly. "Hi! I'm Elli!" the hug she gave him was more of a bear hug, crushing him. "So.where's the food?"
Jack sighed. Wasn't anybody actually interested in him? "The food is in the fridge."
"YAY!" Elli jumped with glee as she ran into his kitchen. Jack followed her cautiously. Elli opened his fridge and immediately began stuffing her face with every visible item on the shelf.
"Slow down!" Jack cried. "Your going to eat all my food supply!"
After finishing every content the fridge stored, she looked up at him with sad eyes. "Are you calling me fat?!" She demanded to know.
"Well.." Jack stammered.
"DAMN YOU!" Elli cried as she threw the fridge down onto the ground and shoved the whole thing into her mouth. "Delicious." Was all she could say, wiping her mouth.
Jack looked at the girl stunned. "Anything else?" He asked, quite scared of her now.
"Yes. I am still quite hungry. GIVE ME MORE FOOD!" Elli made her way to the kitchen table and sat on one of the chairs, accidentally breaking it. "Oops. Oh well, now where's my food?!"
Just then, Karen walked out fully naked from the shower and sat next to Elli. "WHERE'S MY GLASS I ASKED FOR?!" Karen yelled angrily. "I want beer!"
"I want food!" Elli cried.
"Shut up fatty!" Karen snapped as she pushed the obese girl off her broken chair. Jack placed a non-alcoholic beer on the table. "Good." Karen said. Jack was glad that both girls had stopped their bitching. Elli was eating the floor tiles, as Karen was finished her non-alcoholic beer. "That was shit." She said as she grabbed another and downed it anyway.
The doorbell rang again, and Hannah smirked. "Are you sure you want to answer that?" Jack sighed, and made his way to the door.
As he opened it, he noticed this girl was different. This girl had long braided orange hair, and dirty overalls. "Hi!" She squealed. "I'm Ann and nothings better than being in good spirits!"
"Indeed." Jack nodded, knowing that soon she'd be as crazed as the others.
"Let's go for a walk, I really want to see your animals!" She smiled merrily.
"Actually I would prefer it if we stayed inside." Jack said flatly.
"I SAID I WANTED TO GO SEE YOUR ANIMALS!" Ann screamed as she punched him.
Jack started to cry, but bit his lip. This girl was a crazy man beater. "I thought you all cute and innocent."
"I am!" Ann smiled innocently, as she made a cute pose. "Now, Let me see your goddamn animals!" She grabbed his hand and dragged him into the barn. "See? Wasn't that nice?"
Jack nodded, too scared to talk. Ann looked around the barn and seen a cow. Skipping over to the cow she began to pet it. "What a pretty cow!" She smiled with glee.
"Yeah whatever." Jack said, obviously not caring.
Suddenly Ann got down on all fours and began mooing. "Moo! Mooooooooo!" She rubbed herself against Jack's cow, then proceeded to where the fodder was and began eating some.
"WHAT THE HELL?!" Jack shouted as his eyes widened by ten inches.
"I think it is important to be one with the animal. We are all one." Ann breathed deeply as she dunked her head back into the fodder box.
Just then, the door swung open and standing in the doorway were none other than.
"Elli! Karen!" Jack exclaimed. "How nice to see you two again!"
"Trying to ditch us, Jacky-boy?!" Karen asked as she clenched her fists. Her words were slurred but her anger was as clear as day.
"Jack! I thought you loved me!" Elli cried.
"I never said that!" Jack denied. "I don't know what your talking about."
Elli sniffled, trying to hold back tears. "Well.I love you!"
Ann raised her head from the fodder box. "Oh, no you didn't!" She made bull horns with her fingers as ran into Elli, but bounced off her flab. "Mooooooo.." Ann cried in pain.
"Oh! More food!" Elli smiled happily as she sat down next to the feeding bin and snacked on the fodder.
Karen fell down, the world was a colorful dream land now, with fairies and magical bushes. "I will lend you my services Mr.Cabbage, for a dollar fifty." Was all Jack could clearly understand.
Ann remained on the ground, clutching in pain. Hannah opened the barn door, and smiled at Jack. "Another girl is here." She revealed, as she moved aside and a nerdy girl with long black hair and glasses stood beside her.
The girl turned a flustered red, and her glasses began to fog up. "h-hi. I- I-I am.um.I..I'm.Mary."
"Nice to meet you Mary!" Jack said cheerfully as he grabbed her hand and shook it.
"N-no! Please d-don't.umm.touch me." Mary said quietly as she tried pulling her hand back. She immediately sprayed anti-bacterial liquid on her hand. "M-my mom said t-that I could..umm..get pregnant if a-a b-boy touches...me."
Jack was stunned. "Well, uh.I didn't know that." He said, scratching the back of his head a little sheepishly.
"It is a good f-fact to know." Mary nodded, as she took out a novel. "I added it to my book of facts which I am writing."
"Woah! You're a writer? That's so impressive!" Jack applauded.
Mary blushed, "T-thank you Jack."
Suddenly Karen got up. "I WANT A MARTINI!"
Tears formed in Mary's eyes as her biggest fear was confirmed. "K-Karen?!" with no hesitation, Mary turned around and ran from the barn screaming.
Jack looked back at the three girls in the barn, and decided it was time to go back to his house. As he stepped outside to look for Mary, he bumped into a girl in a huge dress, with long wavy pink hair, and red eyes. "Oh sorry!" he apologized, helping her up.
"Oh! Its Jack! Jacky-Jacky-Jacky-Jack! Woohoo! Go Jack!" She jumped on him, hugging him tightly and cutting off his circulation. He fell unconscious in her arms. "Oh my god! He does love me! YAY! Oh my god! Jack is like, my idol! Whee! So what's up? Not much! I like candy! Yes! Sugar is good! Whee! I'm talking to myself!"
Jack woke up to Popuri's annoying voice, and stared up at the scarey looking girl. "Erm.." He really wanted to ask her about her eyes, and why she chose the color she did. Red. She looked like the daughter of hell, or some mutant spawn. Perhaps she was just high?
Popuri read Jack's mind. "THINKING ABOUT MY EYES EH!" Her eyes began circling. "I read your mind..." Her head twisted around like the exorcist. "NOW I DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER YOU AT ALL! GOT THAT! HUH?!?"
Jack cowered. "Yes." He caved in and cried.
"Good! Yay!" Popuri resumed to being cheerful. She jumped on Jack, hugging him again. "I wuv you!"
The door of the barn behind them, suddenly broke off it's hinges. Standing there, was Karen with a large gun. "GET AWAY FROM MY MAN! YOU SATANIC WHORE!"
Jack gasped happily. "Your man?!" anime hearts flew around his head.
Popuri made a fireball appear in her hand, and formed it into a spear. "I will kill you Karen, and believe me you WILL go to hell. We can be friends forever there!"
Karen suddenly thought about it. "Fuck it! Jack isn't worth Popuri's company." She scurried back into the barn.
Popuri stood there dumbfounded. "How come they always run away?"
Jack shrugged. "I'll be right back, okay?"
Popuri nodded quickly. "You better be telling me the truth. Remember I'm watching you." The glow of her red eyes confirmed this.
Jack ran off, trying to escape his farm of terror but when he reached the gate he saw Hannah chatting with a sixth girl. This girl also had brown hair, and looked a lot like Elli but she was in farm gear and was petite. "Hi!" the girl shouted as she marched over to Jack. "My name is Sara." Her voice was deep, much like a man's which really scared him. "I'm new here, my father just died, and our farm was sold.I'm from Harvest Moon: Gameboy 3, so that's why you probably don't recognize me! I'm 3d!"
Jack had nothing to say. He just stood there, mentally tired of all these freaks.
Sara took out her hoe, and marched over to Jack's fields. "Your fields are horrible! I have to take over." She said, as she began raking his fields. "Farm work isn't hard." She laughed. Jack knew this was the perfect opportunity to check her body out. What he noticed wasn't something he wanted to notice though. Her pant's had a bulge. Not only that, but underneath her arm pits were bushes of hair. Jack wanted to gouge his eyes out.
Hannah tapped Jack on the shoulder. "The last girl is about to arrive. I'll gather the other girls into your living room." She said, as she skipped off merrily.
The last girl to show up, was a cute petite girl, with overalls much like Ann's but her hair was long and blonde looking like silk. Her eyes were a sapphire blue. Jack was already head over feet for this girl, but like he had learned earlier with Karen. Don't judge a book by it's cover. She walked up to him. "Like, helllloooooo" She smiled. "I am like, soo happy to meet you! Your like, a farmer right? Like cool! I like, do, like, that, like too. Isnt that cool?" Jack nodded. "I like, see you, like to, like, breathe too. We like, have so, like much in like, common!" Once again Jack nodded. "Well I like, guess I like, should like, introduce myself. Like, I'm Jill." She shook his hand, then went inside.
Jack followed Jill inside, and found himself surrounded by the freaks he had met earlier. Hannah stood, and began narrating. "Hello Jack. Here are the seven lovely ladies. There were originally eight but the eighth one, Ellen also known as Elli's grandmother died." Elli blew her nose into Jack's red hankerchief. "Now, it's time to choose the first dates! Each date will be with Jack, and two girls. There will be three group dates, and one lucky girl will get to go on a single date with Jack. Jack, who accompanies you to your first date?"
Jack thought for a moment, he so badly wanted to say 'no one'. "Well how about, Ann and Elli?"
"Okay then! You three are off to Mount Moon. Have fun!" Hannah shoved the three out the door, mischievously sticking an "eat me" sign on Jack's back.
Jack walked Ann and Elli up moon mountain, and sat down once he reached the peak. "It's so beautiful." He said, admiring the view from atop.
Elli wasted no time and began eating the fruits and bushes scattered across the grassy ground. Ann smiled as a bird perched itself on her head. "hi little guys!" she squealed with delight.
Jack sat there bored out of his mind, with these two freaks. Elli was growing hungrier by the second and began snacking on the trees, while Ann scratched herself constantly. "I think I have flea's."
After fifteen minutes of Ann's scratching and Elli's eating, Jack decided he had enough and took the two ladies back to his farm. His next two choices were none other than..
"Sara and Jill." The two ladies nodded, and walked outside with him. They were ready for a walk on the town. They entered Flower Bud Village and Jill squealed with delight. "Like, this is like, paradise!" she ran from store to store. "I like, am like, having sooooo like much fun!"
Meanwhile Sara thought it would be fun to surprise Jack with her wrestling skills. She sneaked up behind him and gave him a full nelson. Jack, although surprised knew that no woman had that much power. Sara then turned her nelson into a headlock, Jack turned pale has he was forced against her bushy armpits and the odor that drenched her clothes. "Oh my god!" Jack screamed. "Please stop!"
Sara smiled, "Say, Sara is beautiful." She tightened her grip, forcing him closer to that horrible smell. His face grew paler.
"Sara is-fuck it!" he collapsed.
Sara loosened her grip and Jack fell face first into the concrete. "Boring."
Jill returned from her shopping frenzy with twelve shopping bags full. "Oh no! These are too heavy! Jaaaack, can you carry them for me?" She looked down at Jack who was laying there lifeless. "Thanks!" She beamed, as she dropped the bags on his head and ran back to his farm. Sara followed Jill, staring at her ass the whole way.
When Jack woke up, he grabbed the bags and returned to his ranch where the next two girls waited. "Mary, and Karen onto the next date!"
Mary shuffled her feet, trying her best to keep quiet while Karen blew into Jack's ear. They made their way to the beach and sat down on the warm sand.
"Oh Jack..you are so fugly." Karen smiled, flirtatiously.
Jack looked back at Mary who was reading a novel then shrugged. "ah what the hell! Karen, I want you.now."
Karen grinned, she turned on and off like a tap. "What?" she gasped. "Jack! I told you I HATE you! Now GET AWAY FROM ME!" she took out a bottle of beer and downed it.
Jack sat there dumbfounded, this was the last straw. "Why don't you just stop acting like SUCH A BITCH?!"
Karen glared at Jack evilly. "Why don't you get a bigger dick, and then, maybe I will."
This stopped Jack right in his tracks. Jack stared out into the ocean, a tear rolling down his cheek. "I will get a bigger dick! You just wait and see Karen!" Jack thought about the dick pump he had seen on television.
"Good boy, till then You shall remain..a VIRGIN!"
*gasp!*
"Let's go home." Jack said, anxious to get this embarrassing date over with. He brought the two ladies back to his farm, when he suddenly realized who was left for his single date...
"JACKY!" Popuri screamed as she jumped from his roof, onto Jack's shoulders, causing him to loose balance and fall.
"Are you CRAZY?!" he asked her, stunned.
Hannah slowly opened Jack's front door, and from inside said "Do you really need to ask that?"
"Wait, no. She IS crazy" Jack thought out loud.
Hannah nodded, and closed the door.
Jack looked back at Popuri who was picking flowers. "Whee! Yay! I like flowers! Yes I do! I like flowers, how about you?" She asked, pointing to a bush. Obviously she got no response which had upset her. "ANSWER ME!"...still no answer, finally Popuri had enough and zapped the bush with her eyes, setting it on fire. Suddenly Popuri's head twisted around and spotted Jack. "Now, let's play!"
Jack gulped not knowing what she had in mind..
*5 minutes later*
"I love you Jacky!" Popuri said in a high pitched tone as she banged her Barbie with the pink hair against her naked male Barbie. Surprisingly, this was actually turning Jack on. This disturbed him on so many levels..
Hannah opened the door once again, "Guys, it is now time for the rose ceremony. Popuri go inside and join the others. Jack, we need to talk." Popuri went inside, while Hannah walked out. "Jack, for today's rose ceremony we couldn't find any roses, cause we were cheap and on budget. We did however find these in your fields!" She showed him a pile of weeds. He shrugged. "There are seven girls, but only five weeds. Two of them will be sent home. Each girl was asked to write a letter to you, sort of as their plea to stay. Here they are"
Jack read each letter intently.
Popuri's letter:
Jacky!
I love you! Whee! Yay! We need to make babies! And stuff! So give me a rose and we can get started! Yay!
Mary's letter:
Dear Jack,
I have enjoyed our time together and would be honored if you decide to give me a rose, and continue this journey of love with me.
Karen's letter:
Jak
Yo dude wats up! Well i guess u can tell im not verry good with writeing but i am good at oteher things heehee
Ann's letter:
Hi Jack!
Your animals are adorable, much like you! I think I'm already falling for you so pick me!
Elli's letter:
Hi Jack.
I love you, will you please bake me some pie?
Sara's letter:
Jack!
I must tell you now. We have more in common than you think..hehe
Jill's letter:
Oh my, like god! Like, today was like, fun! Woohoo! Choose me! Like, please?
Jack finished reading the letters and knew what choices he had to make. "I'm ready" he told Hannah, and she let him into the house to face those foul creatures.
"Well" he announced. "It's been interesting, but now is the time in this show where I get rid of two of you. The dreaded rose ceremony. I will miss you both very much, pssht yeah right." *cough* "Anyway, here it goes." He grabbed the first weed, and watched the girls tremble. "Karen."
Karen got up, and almost fell right back down. She walked over to him and snatched the weed. "Yay! I win!" she said slurring, then collapsed onto the floor.
Jack picked up the next weed. "Ann."
Ann let out a "bawk!" in approval. She flapped her arms like a chicken and pecked at Jack's knee. Snatching her weed, she scurried back to her seat.
The third weed was already set. "Popuri."
"Wheeeee!" The demon spawn pranced over and accepted her weed with grace.
Jack picked up the fourth weed. "Elli."
Elli got up and grabbed the weed, she didn't know the use of it so she just shoved it down her throat.
Hannah interrupted, "Jack this is the last rose." She reminded him.
Jack breathed nervously looking at the three remaining girls. Mary's glasses were fogged up, Jill was biting her nails, and Sara cracked her knuckles. "Mary."
Mary was shocked. "umm.Y-yay.thanks J-Jack."
The other two were not as thrilled. Sara shook her fist violently. "I'll get you! AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO!"
Jack's dog was too busy having sweet passionate bondage sex with a harvest sprite to notice. "echmay potato!" the sprite screamed in ecstasy.
Sara was on a rampage, "I will sue! I WILL! And one more thing! I have a secret!" She screamed.
Jack knew what was coming. "I KNOW ALREADY! YOUR REALLY A MAN!"
Sara gasped, "Actually I'm your sister, BUT YOU JUST SAID I LOOK LIKE A MAN?! WHAT THE HELL!?" With her He-man strength she picked him up over her head and hurled him into the wall. "Eat Cow!" She said, and stormed out the door.
Jill started to cry, "This is all like, too much for like, me!" She sobbed. "I thought I like, had this, but like, I guess I was wrong. I thought we like, had like, a connection.but I like, see you didn't like, feel the same way. I'm like, not sad! I'm like just disappointed. Like, I put it all on the line, and like, got nothing like, in return!" She ran out weeping.
Jack sat up rubbing his sore back. "Oh god, kill me now."
Karen grinned, as the five remaining girls cornered him. "You still have us."
Jack fainted.
Instead of going home in a limo, like the usual ladies on the bachelor. The budget was too low, so the women rode donkeys instead, rented from The Green Ranch.
"I am like, really upset!" Jill sighed, as she rode her donkey. "I like, wanted a pretty weed, but like whatever, I'll go like, buy one."
Riding beside her, Sara had a different view. "Jack better watch out, I'm going to cut his balls off and eat them."
The two rode off into the sunset.
*credits roll*
Hannah: I do not own Harvest Moon. O_o; Nor do I own the Bachelor. So there!
Harvest Moon: The Bachelor
~*~Seven Girls, all vying for Jack's affection. Only one will be his bride. Karen, Elli, Ann, Mary, Popuri, Sara, Jill. ~*~
As the chickens pecked at the chicken feed in the chicken barn and the cows ate their fodder, one unsuspecting gentleman was about to have his life changed FOREVER. He would soon be joined by seven young ladies, vying for his affection.
He would first meet the young ladies, and take them on dates. Later on, meeting their parents, and perhaps even popping "the big question". This fellow was about to go on a journey of a lifetime, a journey for love.
The doorbell rang, and a man with dark brown hair wearing blue overalls, a blue cap, and a red hankerchief tied around his neck opened the door. "Why hello!" He said, smiling to the cameras, and one very cute brunette standing outside his door.
The brunette was wearing a white tank top, and blue jeans. She grinned, "I know I'm hot, and you can't resist me, but you must." She turned around, taunting him by shaking her behind till the cameraman asked her to stop. "Oh, right..well I'm Hannah the host of THE BACHELOR, and you, Jack are the bachelor."
"Hell yeah!" he exclaimed with delight. "I'm so happy, so where are my whores?" he asked, over eagerly.
Hannah looked at him strangely, "Ahem, Your WHORES?!?" She put her hands on her hips, glaring at him.
"I mean.uhm.beautiful young ladies." Jack corrected himself, turning beat red. "I really did mean to say that, honest!"
"Well let's get one thing straight. They are not YOUR whores. They are MY whores.I pimp them.." Hannah yelled harshly, all of a sudden a lawyer appeared. Hannah looked astonished, and started stuttering nervously. "I m- mean.erm, t-they aren't really mine per say." The lawyer glared at her with the purest of evil in his dark eyes. Hannah couldn't take it anymore, she broke. "They are Natsume's whores!" Hannah yelled out, as tears filled her eyes. "I am a fraud!" The lawyer nodded satisfied with this, and disappeared.
Jack looked at Hannah as if nothing had just happened. "So when will they be here?"
Hannah grinned, right before she could say a word the doorbell rang again. Jack opened the door and a cute brunette, with blonde highlights and beautiful green eyes was standing there, smiling. "I think I'm in love." Jack told himself.
Although the girl was very pretty, Hannah could see something else too. She sensed this girl had a TRUE MURDEROUS NATURE!
"Hi..I'm Karen." The girl said, giving Jack a sly wink and inviting herself in. "Got any booze?"
Jack smiled, "I'm Jack!" he yelled out loudly. "Shit! Real smooth." Jack slapped his forehead, talking to himself.
Karen looked the boy up and down. "Well that's nice, but what I really want is some booze. Got any?"
Jack looked at Karen strangely, then shrugged. "I should have some in the fridge."
"Excellent." With that said, Karen proceeded into Jack's kitchen. The sound of rustling bottles was heard. Suddenly, Jack heard a glass break, he jumped up stunned and ran into the kitchen, where he saw her drinking a glass of wine. Three bottles were already finished, and thrown on the floor. Shattered glass surrounded the table as Karen giggled. "I'm easy when I'm drunk." She muttered.
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY KITCHEN?!" Jack lashed out.
Karen suddenly erupted into laughter. "Relax dude! It's just booze!" she said, taking another gulp. "Fuck yeah!" She lashed out, throwing the glass against the wall. "I am hammered! I feel so friggin raunchy now!"
Jack's frown suddenly disappeared and a sick grin crossed his face. "Alright then Let's go get jiggy!" he yelped as he tugged on her hand, causing her to fall out of the chair and onto the glass. "Eep! I'm so sorry!"
Karen growled. "Oh god yes!" She got up, rubbing her thighs. "How I long for someone..I feel, so horny." She said giggling, and slurring her words. "I need a man to pleasure me."
"I'll pleasure you!" Jack volunteered.
"Eww!" Karen screamed, glaring at Jack, while grabbing another glass to fill with wine. "I would never sleep with you! Don't talk to me so much!"
Jack gasped. "What did I do wrong?!"
"Everything! I hate you! Go to hell you hell whore!" She broke the bottle over his head and hissed. "I can't believe you would even consider me in the same ranks of you! You disgusting piece of shit!" She began kicking his unconscious body. "I'll be in the shower, and when I come out THERE BETTER BE A GLASS OF WINE WAITING FOR ME!" She sealed the deal with one last kick and retreated to the bathroom to shower.
Hannah shook her head laughing. "Pathetic." She crawled over to Jack, and slapped him. "Wakey wakey! Eggs and Bakey!"
Suddenly Jack shot up, "No! Please don't molest me!" realizing the actual situation, Jack turned a flustered red. "I mean.well, you could if you wanted to!"
Hannah turned pale, "What do you think I am?! SOME KIND OF WHORE?!"
"Well...." Jack started, as he began to trail off.
"Don't answer that!" Hannah slapped him again. Suddenly, moans were heard from Jack's bathroom. "What the hell is that?" She questioned. Getting up, and quietly tip-toeing over to the door, Hannah pressed her ear against the door.
Jack gasped. "Hey! She's taking a shower in there!" after saying that, an idea crossed his mind. "Unless you wanted to join her?"
Ignoring Jack's comment, Hannah began to open the door. She slowly peered inside. "ACK!" Nothing had prepared her for what she had seen in that moment. Karen was in the shower alright, along with half the town's males including the harvest sprites!
"Would you like to come in?" Karen asked, in a sluttish manner. Hannah shook her head frightened. "No it's quite alright."
"I'd love to join you!" Jack smiled.
Karen threw her head back sheepishly as she was thrusted from many different directions. "I don't think so, Jacky boy. I don't sleep with men who have small wee-wee's."
"WHAT?! Where did you get that information?!" Jack cried out.
"In Mineral Village's 'People' magazine! They said that sex with you is like a dentist, you don't feel a thing." Karen laughed. "Looking at you, I could have guessed that. They also said you have crabs."
"I do not!" Jack yelled as he pulled his pants down revealing himself. Suddenly everyone erupted into laughter. "It's not that small!"
"I've seen smaller." Hannah remarked. "Then again, I always give my infant cousins baths." She shrugged.
Karen was laughing too. "I'll have sex with you when hell freezes over you small-dick loser!" with that said, the bathroom door slammed shut, and the doorbell rang.
"Your second guest is here." Hannah stated the obvious.
Jack quickly scurried over to the front door to greet his new guest. "hello!" he said eagerly as he opened the door to a short, and fat girl with short brown hair and chestnut eyes. She wore an old fashioned dress and apron.
The girl smiled and hugged him tightly. "Hi! I'm Elli!" the hug she gave him was more of a bear hug, crushing him. "So.where's the food?"
Jack sighed. Wasn't anybody actually interested in him? "The food is in the fridge."
"YAY!" Elli jumped with glee as she ran into his kitchen. Jack followed her cautiously. Elli opened his fridge and immediately began stuffing her face with every visible item on the shelf.
"Slow down!" Jack cried. "Your going to eat all my food supply!"
After finishing every content the fridge stored, she looked up at him with sad eyes. "Are you calling me fat?!" She demanded to know.
"Well.." Jack stammered.
"DAMN YOU!" Elli cried as she threw the fridge down onto the ground and shoved the whole thing into her mouth. "Delicious." Was all she could say, wiping her mouth.
Jack looked at the girl stunned. "Anything else?" He asked, quite scared of her now.
"Yes. I am still quite hungry. GIVE ME MORE FOOD!" Elli made her way to the kitchen table and sat on one of the chairs, accidentally breaking it. "Oops. Oh well, now where's my food?!"
Just then, Karen walked out fully naked from the shower and sat next to Elli. "WHERE'S MY GLASS I ASKED FOR?!" Karen yelled angrily. "I want beer!"
"I want food!" Elli cried.
"Shut up fatty!" Karen snapped as she pushed the obese girl off her broken chair. Jack placed a non-alcoholic beer on the table. "Good." Karen said. Jack was glad that both girls had stopped their bitching. Elli was eating the floor tiles, as Karen was finished her non-alcoholic beer. "That was shit." She said as she grabbed another and downed it anyway.
The doorbell rang again, and Hannah smirked. "Are you sure you want to answer that?" Jack sighed, and made his way to the door.
As he opened it, he noticed this girl was different. This girl had long braided orange hair, and dirty overalls. "Hi!" She squealed. "I'm Ann and nothings better than being in good spirits!"
"Indeed." Jack nodded, knowing that soon she'd be as crazed as the others.
"Let's go for a walk, I really want to see your animals!" She smiled merrily.
"Actually I would prefer it if we stayed inside." Jack said flatly.
"I SAID I WANTED TO GO SEE YOUR ANIMALS!" Ann screamed as she punched him.
Jack started to cry, but bit his lip. This girl was a crazy man beater. "I thought you all cute and innocent."
"I am!" Ann smiled innocently, as she made a cute pose. "Now, Let me see your goddamn animals!" She grabbed his hand and dragged him into the barn. "See? Wasn't that nice?"
Jack nodded, too scared to talk. Ann looked around the barn and seen a cow. Skipping over to the cow she began to pet it. "What a pretty cow!" She smiled with glee.
"Yeah whatever." Jack said, obviously not caring.
Suddenly Ann got down on all fours and began mooing. "Moo! Mooooooooo!" She rubbed herself against Jack's cow, then proceeded to where the fodder was and began eating some.
"WHAT THE HELL?!" Jack shouted as his eyes widened by ten inches.
"I think it is important to be one with the animal. We are all one." Ann breathed deeply as she dunked her head back into the fodder box.
Just then, the door swung open and standing in the doorway were none other than.
"Elli! Karen!" Jack exclaimed. "How nice to see you two again!"
"Trying to ditch us, Jacky-boy?!" Karen asked as she clenched her fists. Her words were slurred but her anger was as clear as day.
"Jack! I thought you loved me!" Elli cried.
"I never said that!" Jack denied. "I don't know what your talking about."
Elli sniffled, trying to hold back tears. "Well.I love you!"
Ann raised her head from the fodder box. "Oh, no you didn't!" She made bull horns with her fingers as ran into Elli, but bounced off her flab. "Mooooooo.." Ann cried in pain.
"Oh! More food!" Elli smiled happily as she sat down next to the feeding bin and snacked on the fodder.
Karen fell down, the world was a colorful dream land now, with fairies and magical bushes. "I will lend you my services Mr.Cabbage, for a dollar fifty." Was all Jack could clearly understand.
Ann remained on the ground, clutching in pain. Hannah opened the barn door, and smiled at Jack. "Another girl is here." She revealed, as she moved aside and a nerdy girl with long black hair and glasses stood beside her.
The girl turned a flustered red, and her glasses began to fog up. "h-hi. I- I-I am.um.I..I'm.Mary."
"Nice to meet you Mary!" Jack said cheerfully as he grabbed her hand and shook it.
"N-no! Please d-don't.umm.touch me." Mary said quietly as she tried pulling her hand back. She immediately sprayed anti-bacterial liquid on her hand. "M-my mom said t-that I could..umm..get pregnant if a-a b-boy touches...me."
Jack was stunned. "Well, uh.I didn't know that." He said, scratching the back of his head a little sheepishly.
"It is a good f-fact to know." Mary nodded, as she took out a novel. "I added it to my book of facts which I am writing."
"Woah! You're a writer? That's so impressive!" Jack applauded.
Mary blushed, "T-thank you Jack."
Suddenly Karen got up. "I WANT A MARTINI!"
Tears formed in Mary's eyes as her biggest fear was confirmed. "K-Karen?!" with no hesitation, Mary turned around and ran from the barn screaming.
Jack looked back at the three girls in the barn, and decided it was time to go back to his house. As he stepped outside to look for Mary, he bumped into a girl in a huge dress, with long wavy pink hair, and red eyes. "Oh sorry!" he apologized, helping her up.
"Oh! Its Jack! Jacky-Jacky-Jacky-Jack! Woohoo! Go Jack!" She jumped on him, hugging him tightly and cutting off his circulation. He fell unconscious in her arms. "Oh my god! He does love me! YAY! Oh my god! Jack is like, my idol! Whee! So what's up? Not much! I like candy! Yes! Sugar is good! Whee! I'm talking to myself!"
Jack woke up to Popuri's annoying voice, and stared up at the scarey looking girl. "Erm.." He really wanted to ask her about her eyes, and why she chose the color she did. Red. She looked like the daughter of hell, or some mutant spawn. Perhaps she was just high?
Popuri read Jack's mind. "THINKING ABOUT MY EYES EH!" Her eyes began circling. "I read your mind..." Her head twisted around like the exorcist. "NOW I DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER YOU AT ALL! GOT THAT! HUH?!?"
Jack cowered. "Yes." He caved in and cried.
"Good! Yay!" Popuri resumed to being cheerful. She jumped on Jack, hugging him again. "I wuv you!"
The door of the barn behind them, suddenly broke off it's hinges. Standing there, was Karen with a large gun. "GET AWAY FROM MY MAN! YOU SATANIC WHORE!"
Jack gasped happily. "Your man?!" anime hearts flew around his head.
Popuri made a fireball appear in her hand, and formed it into a spear. "I will kill you Karen, and believe me you WILL go to hell. We can be friends forever there!"
Karen suddenly thought about it. "Fuck it! Jack isn't worth Popuri's company." She scurried back into the barn.
Popuri stood there dumbfounded. "How come they always run away?"
Jack shrugged. "I'll be right back, okay?"
Popuri nodded quickly. "You better be telling me the truth. Remember I'm watching you." The glow of her red eyes confirmed this.
Jack ran off, trying to escape his farm of terror but when he reached the gate he saw Hannah chatting with a sixth girl. This girl also had brown hair, and looked a lot like Elli but she was in farm gear and was petite. "Hi!" the girl shouted as she marched over to Jack. "My name is Sara." Her voice was deep, much like a man's which really scared him. "I'm new here, my father just died, and our farm was sold.I'm from Harvest Moon: Gameboy 3, so that's why you probably don't recognize me! I'm 3d!"
Jack had nothing to say. He just stood there, mentally tired of all these freaks.
Sara took out her hoe, and marched over to Jack's fields. "Your fields are horrible! I have to take over." She said, as she began raking his fields. "Farm work isn't hard." She laughed. Jack knew this was the perfect opportunity to check her body out. What he noticed wasn't something he wanted to notice though. Her pant's had a bulge. Not only that, but underneath her arm pits were bushes of hair. Jack wanted to gouge his eyes out.
Hannah tapped Jack on the shoulder. "The last girl is about to arrive. I'll gather the other girls into your living room." She said, as she skipped off merrily.
The last girl to show up, was a cute petite girl, with overalls much like Ann's but her hair was long and blonde looking like silk. Her eyes were a sapphire blue. Jack was already head over feet for this girl, but like he had learned earlier with Karen. Don't judge a book by it's cover. She walked up to him. "Like, helllloooooo" She smiled. "I am like, soo happy to meet you! Your like, a farmer right? Like cool! I like, do, like, that, like too. Isnt that cool?" Jack nodded. "I like, see you, like to, like, breathe too. We like, have so, like much in like, common!" Once again Jack nodded. "Well I like, guess I like, should like, introduce myself. Like, I'm Jill." She shook his hand, then went inside.
Jack followed Jill inside, and found himself surrounded by the freaks he had met earlier. Hannah stood, and began narrating. "Hello Jack. Here are the seven lovely ladies. There were originally eight but the eighth one, Ellen also known as Elli's grandmother died." Elli blew her nose into Jack's red hankerchief. "Now, it's time to choose the first dates! Each date will be with Jack, and two girls. There will be three group dates, and one lucky girl will get to go on a single date with Jack. Jack, who accompanies you to your first date?"
Jack thought for a moment, he so badly wanted to say 'no one'. "Well how about, Ann and Elli?"
"Okay then! You three are off to Mount Moon. Have fun!" Hannah shoved the three out the door, mischievously sticking an "eat me" sign on Jack's back.
Jack walked Ann and Elli up moon mountain, and sat down once he reached the peak. "It's so beautiful." He said, admiring the view from atop.
Elli wasted no time and began eating the fruits and bushes scattered across the grassy ground. Ann smiled as a bird perched itself on her head. "hi little guys!" she squealed with delight.
Jack sat there bored out of his mind, with these two freaks. Elli was growing hungrier by the second and began snacking on the trees, while Ann scratched herself constantly. "I think I have flea's."
After fifteen minutes of Ann's scratching and Elli's eating, Jack decided he had enough and took the two ladies back to his farm. His next two choices were none other than..
"Sara and Jill." The two ladies nodded, and walked outside with him. They were ready for a walk on the town. They entered Flower Bud Village and Jill squealed with delight. "Like, this is like, paradise!" she ran from store to store. "I like, am like, having sooooo like much fun!"
Meanwhile Sara thought it would be fun to surprise Jack with her wrestling skills. She sneaked up behind him and gave him a full nelson. Jack, although surprised knew that no woman had that much power. Sara then turned her nelson into a headlock, Jack turned pale has he was forced against her bushy armpits and the odor that drenched her clothes. "Oh my god!" Jack screamed. "Please stop!"
Sara smiled, "Say, Sara is beautiful." She tightened her grip, forcing him closer to that horrible smell. His face grew paler.
"Sara is-fuck it!" he collapsed.
Sara loosened her grip and Jack fell face first into the concrete. "Boring."
Jill returned from her shopping frenzy with twelve shopping bags full. "Oh no! These are too heavy! Jaaaack, can you carry them for me?" She looked down at Jack who was laying there lifeless. "Thanks!" She beamed, as she dropped the bags on his head and ran back to his farm. Sara followed Jill, staring at her ass the whole way.
When Jack woke up, he grabbed the bags and returned to his ranch where the next two girls waited. "Mary, and Karen onto the next date!"
Mary shuffled her feet, trying her best to keep quiet while Karen blew into Jack's ear. They made their way to the beach and sat down on the warm sand.
"Oh Jack..you are so fugly." Karen smiled, flirtatiously.
Jack looked back at Mary who was reading a novel then shrugged. "ah what the hell! Karen, I want you.now."
Karen grinned, she turned on and off like a tap. "What?" she gasped. "Jack! I told you I HATE you! Now GET AWAY FROM ME!" she took out a bottle of beer and downed it.
Jack sat there dumbfounded, this was the last straw. "Why don't you just stop acting like SUCH A BITCH?!"
Karen glared at Jack evilly. "Why don't you get a bigger dick, and then, maybe I will."
This stopped Jack right in his tracks. Jack stared out into the ocean, a tear rolling down his cheek. "I will get a bigger dick! You just wait and see Karen!" Jack thought about the dick pump he had seen on television.
"Good boy, till then You shall remain..a VIRGIN!"
*gasp!*
"Let's go home." Jack said, anxious to get this embarrassing date over with. He brought the two ladies back to his farm, when he suddenly realized who was left for his single date...
"JACKY!" Popuri screamed as she jumped from his roof, onto Jack's shoulders, causing him to loose balance and fall.
"Are you CRAZY?!" he asked her, stunned.
Hannah slowly opened Jack's front door, and from inside said "Do you really need to ask that?"
"Wait, no. She IS crazy" Jack thought out loud.
Hannah nodded, and closed the door.
Jack looked back at Popuri who was picking flowers. "Whee! Yay! I like flowers! Yes I do! I like flowers, how about you?" She asked, pointing to a bush. Obviously she got no response which had upset her. "ANSWER ME!"...still no answer, finally Popuri had enough and zapped the bush with her eyes, setting it on fire. Suddenly Popuri's head twisted around and spotted Jack. "Now, let's play!"
Jack gulped not knowing what she had in mind..
*5 minutes later*
"I love you Jacky!" Popuri said in a high pitched tone as she banged her Barbie with the pink hair against her naked male Barbie. Surprisingly, this was actually turning Jack on. This disturbed him on so many levels..
Hannah opened the door once again, "Guys, it is now time for the rose ceremony. Popuri go inside and join the others. Jack, we need to talk." Popuri went inside, while Hannah walked out. "Jack, for today's rose ceremony we couldn't find any roses, cause we were cheap and on budget. We did however find these in your fields!" She showed him a pile of weeds. He shrugged. "There are seven girls, but only five weeds. Two of them will be sent home. Each girl was asked to write a letter to you, sort of as their plea to stay. Here they are"
Jack read each letter intently.
Popuri's letter:
Jacky!
I love you! Whee! Yay! We need to make babies! And stuff! So give me a rose and we can get started! Yay!
Mary's letter:
Dear Jack,
I have enjoyed our time together and would be honored if you decide to give me a rose, and continue this journey of love with me.
Karen's letter:
Jak
Yo dude wats up! Well i guess u can tell im not verry good with writeing but i am good at oteher things heehee
Ann's letter:
Hi Jack!
Your animals are adorable, much like you! I think I'm already falling for you so pick me!
Elli's letter:
Hi Jack.
I love you, will you please bake me some pie?
Sara's letter:
Jack!
I must tell you now. We have more in common than you think..hehe
Jill's letter:
Oh my, like god! Like, today was like, fun! Woohoo! Choose me! Like, please?
Jack finished reading the letters and knew what choices he had to make. "I'm ready" he told Hannah, and she let him into the house to face those foul creatures.
"Well" he announced. "It's been interesting, but now is the time in this show where I get rid of two of you. The dreaded rose ceremony. I will miss you both very much, pssht yeah right." *cough* "Anyway, here it goes." He grabbed the first weed, and watched the girls tremble. "Karen."
Karen got up, and almost fell right back down. She walked over to him and snatched the weed. "Yay! I win!" she said slurring, then collapsed onto the floor.
Jack picked up the next weed. "Ann."
Ann let out a "bawk!" in approval. She flapped her arms like a chicken and pecked at Jack's knee. Snatching her weed, she scurried back to her seat.
The third weed was already set. "Popuri."
"Wheeeee!" The demon spawn pranced over and accepted her weed with grace.
Jack picked up the fourth weed. "Elli."
Elli got up and grabbed the weed, she didn't know the use of it so she just shoved it down her throat.
Hannah interrupted, "Jack this is the last rose." She reminded him.
Jack breathed nervously looking at the three remaining girls. Mary's glasses were fogged up, Jill was biting her nails, and Sara cracked her knuckles. "Mary."
Mary was shocked. "umm.Y-yay.thanks J-Jack."
The other two were not as thrilled. Sara shook her fist violently. "I'll get you! AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO!"
Jack's dog was too busy having sweet passionate bondage sex with a harvest sprite to notice. "echmay potato!" the sprite screamed in ecstasy.
Sara was on a rampage, "I will sue! I WILL! And one more thing! I have a secret!" She screamed.
Jack knew what was coming. "I KNOW ALREADY! YOUR REALLY A MAN!"
Sara gasped, "Actually I'm your sister, BUT YOU JUST SAID I LOOK LIKE A MAN?! WHAT THE HELL!?" With her He-man strength she picked him up over her head and hurled him into the wall. "Eat Cow!" She said, and stormed out the door.
Jill started to cry, "This is all like, too much for like, me!" She sobbed. "I thought I like, had this, but like, I guess I was wrong. I thought we like, had like, a connection.but I like, see you didn't like, feel the same way. I'm like, not sad! I'm like just disappointed. Like, I put it all on the line, and like, got nothing like, in return!" She ran out weeping.
Jack sat up rubbing his sore back. "Oh god, kill me now."
Karen grinned, as the five remaining girls cornered him. "You still have us."
Jack fainted.
Instead of going home in a limo, like the usual ladies on the bachelor. The budget was too low, so the women rode donkeys instead, rented from The Green Ranch.
"I am like, really upset!" Jill sighed, as she rode her donkey. "I like, wanted a pretty weed, but like whatever, I'll go like, buy one."
Riding beside her, Sara had a different view. "Jack better watch out, I'm going to cut his balls off and eat them."
The two rode off into the sunset.
*credits roll*