Disclaimer:
Hannah: You would think on a place like fanfiction.net you wouldn't need disclaimers. Ah what the heck! I don't own anything! Woohoo! O_o
Harvest Moon: The Bachelor
~*~Five Girls, all vying for Jack's affection. Only one will be his bride. Karen, Elli, Ann, Mary, and Popuri ~*~
It was early morning, and Jack was having a hard time getting out of bed. Slowly he opened his eyes, and in that moment fear filled through his body for what he saw was the most horrific sight he had ever seen.
"Jack! Wakey!" Popuri had her face pressed against Jack's. Her glowing eyes circling. "Oh! Yay! He's awake! Yay! Yay!" Popuri got up, and danced around the room. "I'm dancing, and singing, lalalala! Whee! Yay!" Jack just laid there and stared on, not knowing if he should be scared, or humoured by this.
Suddenly, Karen entered the room with scrambled eggs. "Get the fuck out of bed, dipshit!"
Jack suddenly got the urge to sit up, "Oh! Hi Karen!" He noticed she had made eggs, they were burnt, and still in his frying pan, but eggs non-the- less! "aww, did you make those for me?"
"Hell no!" Karen lashed out. "You have no more friggin food thanks to Elli, so I ran to my place and made some eggs for MYSELF."
Popuri stared at the eggs disgusted. "I wouldn't feed those to my dog."
Karen rolled her eyes, "You don't have a dog."
Popuri smirked. "Exactly."
Karen snapped, "Popuri, you know what? I had enough of your shit!" with that said, Karen hit Popuri with the frying pan. "Bitch!" She hissed.
The evil spawn of the devil laughed evilly, "YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT! BWAHAHAHA!"
Suddenly a fireball appeared and a million midgets ran out with pitch forks. They all poked at Karen's butt. "Get the alco-whore!" one yelled, "Die evil bitch of North!" another spoke up. It became apparent that they were all sprites when they chanted "Echmay Potato! Echmay Potato!"
"DIEEEE! DIE! DIE! DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" They all stabbed her with force, unfortunately, Karen was too drunk to care. She simply grabbed a garbage bag and stuffed them all inside, then tossed the garbage bag outside.
"Darn!" Popuri snapped. "Well! I would make a much better wife! Jack, honey! I'm going to go water the plants!" She ran out the door.
"Oh Yeah?!" Karen growled. "Challenge accepted! Jack, I'm going to collect and ship your eggs!" Karen left in a hurry as well.
Jack was loving this, "Woohoo! Free labour!"
A few minutes had passed, and Jack wanted to see how well they did. So he walked out, and seen Popuri smiling widely. "I watered your plants honey!" She said. He walked over and noticed only three plants had been watered out of the two hundred he had. He looked back at Popuri and noticed she was watering cement. She made her way to Ann who was chewing on grass in the fields and began to water her as well.
"Nay! Nay!" Ann mumbled in approval.
Jack was really beginning to worry about these girls. He walked over to the chicken coop to see how Karen was doing, but he was not impressed. Eggs were scattered all over the ground, and in the midst of it, Karen was off to the side taking a nap. "here chicken!" Jack looked off to the other side and noticed that most of his chicken's were gone, and Elli was chasing the last chicken he had.
"No! Elli! Please stop!" Jack cried.
Elli stuffed the final chicken into her mouth and belched.
Jack was disturbed, and now deeply upset. He wandered around his farm practically sobbing. Mary noticed how sad he was and took note of it in her notebook.
Meanwhile Popuri and Karen were going at it. "I hate you! You demon spawn whore!"
"I hate you more! You drunken bitch!" the two jumped on top of each other and began pulling each other's hair and slapping each other.
Ann watched the two girls wrestle, and rolled her eyes. "Girls! Enough! Can't you see what's going on?! We're turning against each other, but JACK is the one to blame! He is dating all of us at once!" The two girls realized Ann was right and stood.
"She's right!" Popuri declared. "Let's burn the little bastard!"
"I'll cut off his balls and mail them to Japan!" Karen grinned evilly. "Or.I'll give them to Sara, I heard she wanted that operation anyway."
Ann raised her fist. "Chop him up and feed him to the animals!"
Elli suddenly joined their group, "And we can eat his remains!"
They all shouted in unison "YEAH!!!!!!!!.....wait, eat his remains?! What the fuck?"
Elli glanced from side to side nervously. "I was joking of course."
Karen nodded, "Oh, OF COURSE" *cough*
Ann sighed, "We need weapons though."
Popuri's eyes circled and four flaming sticks appeared. Each girl grabbed one and ran after Jack.
"What the hell?!" Jack asked, stunned as he seen the four girls run at him with flaming weapons.
"LETS BURN HIS NUTS OFF!" Karen yelled. Jack suddenly felt sick. He ran from the four crazy girls who were trying to kill him.
Watching this, Mary got an idea for her new book! She began writing it all down.
The girls chased Jack and eventually cornered him in the fields. Popuri, with a sick grin on her face lit Jack's testicles on fire. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!" He screamed and passed out.
*********************
When Jack woke up, he was in a newly built clinic. "What the hell?" he asked himself. Suddenly he noticed the doctor was feeling his testicles. "WHAT THE HELL?!?!"
The doctor smiled at Jack, "Hello Jack, it seems there was an incident where your nuts caught fire. I am trying my best to repair them."
Jack felt choked up. "Will they be okay?"
"No, they will be even smaller.raisin sized. FOREVER" The doctor told Jack.
Jack didn't take the bad news well. Tears formed in his eyes. "No one will ever love me!"
The doctor got a sick grin. "That's where your wrong. I love you." Taking a step back, the doctor revealed that he was wearing a tutu. "In fact, while you were sleeping, I.."
"OH MY GOD!" Jack cried, "YOU ARE A SICK SICK MAN!" with that said, he sprinted out the door.
"You'll be back!" The doctor called after him. "They always come back."
*********************
Jack knew it wasn't a good idea, but he went back to his farm. The first person he noticed was Karen crying on his doorstep. He slowly walked up to the crying basket case. "Karen, you okay?"
"Yeah I'm okay, loser." She answered harshly. "Get lost."
Jack sat down beside her. "Awww, come on.tell me what's wrong?"
"I SAID GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" Karen snapped, as she reached for another bottle of beer to drink.
Jack sighed. "You can tell me."
Annoyed now, Karen was torn. Back home, the vineyards were going bankrupt, and her dad is EVIL! Yet, here on Jack's farm she felt safe. She wanted Jack to keep her there. Was she really this complex? "Jack, I love you."
Jack was stunned, he didn't know what to say. One minute Karen was trying to murder him and the next she was declaring her love for him.
Karen, of course was lying to stay at his house and away from her folks. More importantly Jack was the only person in town with a television. She often loved to watch soft-core porn. It was a passion of her's. "I know you love me too Jack, no denying it. You love me so much in fact, that you will go and buy me some more booze, NOW STEP ON IT!"
Jack chuckled. "Oh Karen!"
"Yeah, do I look like I'm joking?" She glared.
Jack slowly snuck away from her following eyes, only to see Elli sobbing as well. He skipped over to her. "Elli, what's wrong?"
Elli sobbed, "I'm just.. so fat!"
Jack was at a loss for words. "Well Elli, your not that fat, besides! You could always go on a diet!"
The word "diet" depressed Elli, and she sobbed more. Jack felt awkward and didn't know what to do, so he did the only thing he could think of. She took out a crumpled doughnut from his pocket. "How did that get in there?" He gave the doughnut to Elli.
"Oh Jack! You do know the way to a girl's heart!" She devoured the doughnut in one bite.
Jack smiled sheepishly. "You still need to buy me new chickens."
"CHICKENS?! WHERE?!" Elli stood and looked around, licking her lips.
Jack hid from her, and noticed Ann sitting in the fields. He crawled over to her, and noticed she was upset as well. "Ann, what's wrong?"
Ann sighed, "Elli ate all the chickens. They were my best friends!" She cried.
Jack didn't know what to say. "I'll buy more chickens!"
Ann beamed, "You would do that for me?!"
"Who said I would do that for YOU? Wait.I mean Yes! Ann I would do that for you!" Jack lied, but he loved the look Ann gave him.
"Oh my! A celebration is in order! I'll go get the fodder!" Ann crawled into the barn, where she slept.
Jack stood, not wanting to stay there any longer. He walked down the path of his farm and noticed YET ANOTHER sad looking girl.
"Popuri, what's wrong?"
Popuri looked up at Jack, "I need a sacrifice for the DemonSex ritual. I don't have one."
Jack thought long and hard, "You could use..One of the other girls! Preferably Elli!"
Popuri brightened. "Yes! I will do just that! Thanks Jack!" She ran off, cackling.
Suddenly, Hannah appeared "I am VERY mad I didn't appear in this episode till now and there will be hell to pay!"
Popuri smiled, "Ooh! Your going to visit hell? YAY! A VISITOR!"
Hannah looked at Popuri strangely, than continued. "Anyway, It is now time for the second weed ceremony!"
The five girls all proceeded into Jack's house, and Hannah took Jack aside to give him the letters the girl's had wrote him.
Karen's letter:
Rember Jak!
I luvv u! so kepe me hear! O.k? ok! i will sleep wit u!
Mary's letter:
Hello Jack,
Due to Hannah's high dislike of me, I only had a total of one line this episode, how tragic. You must keep me so that I can have more lines! Thank you.
Elli's letter:
JACK!!!!!!
I love you so much! Now bring me food!
Popuri's letter:
JACKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I like flowers, I like you, I like flowers, and I want to *censor* you. : )
Ann's letter:
hi Jack,
I care a lot about you and the animals so please choose me!
After finishing with the letters, Jack sighed. "This will be a tough ceremony" he said sadly then proceeded inside.
The girls STARED HIM DOWN as he came in. "Hello ladies. Today, I have four weeds, but there are five of you. Meaning one of you will be eliminated. Now let me begin." He picked up the first weed. "Karen."
Karen knew she would get the weed, she sauntered over to him and snatched him. "And that's the bottom line, cause K-Ho Said so!"
Jack picked up the second weed and looked at each girl. "Ann."
Ann hopped over to Jack and grabbed the weed with her teeth, then hopped back to her seat.
Jack had two more weeds to give out. "Popuri."
Popuri's eyes glowed a crimson color as she accepted her rose. "AYE WATSON!!" She screamed randomly.
Hannah interrupted, "Jack I must remind you that is your final weed. The girl without a weed will be eliminated."
Jack thought this over, and looked at Mary pacing, than at Elli eating a cupcake. "Elli."
Elli got up and grabbed the weed delighted. "Woohoo! More food!" She cheered.
Hannah looked over to Mary. "Mary, You must leave now."
Mary sighed pathetically, wiping the fog off her glasses. "B-bye J-Jack, I will...um l-love you forever." With that said, she left the room.
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!" Karen bluntly asked.
Jack shrugged, "She was just lonely..I feel sorry for her."
Mary shuffled her feet, keeping her head low as she left. Once she was out of the house, she shook her head from side to side, as if modelling. Her hair fell onto her shoulders. She took her glasses off and threw them away. Then she hiked her dress up, making sure the camera captured her thong. "Eat cunt!" she screamed as she got on her donkey and rode off. "Harris! I'm coming for you!!!!!!"
Mary was gone.
NEXT TIME: Jack meet's each girl's family.
Hannah: You would think on a place like fanfiction.net you wouldn't need disclaimers. Ah what the heck! I don't own anything! Woohoo! O_o
Harvest Moon: The Bachelor
~*~Five Girls, all vying for Jack's affection. Only one will be his bride. Karen, Elli, Ann, Mary, and Popuri ~*~
It was early morning, and Jack was having a hard time getting out of bed. Slowly he opened his eyes, and in that moment fear filled through his body for what he saw was the most horrific sight he had ever seen.
"Jack! Wakey!" Popuri had her face pressed against Jack's. Her glowing eyes circling. "Oh! Yay! He's awake! Yay! Yay!" Popuri got up, and danced around the room. "I'm dancing, and singing, lalalala! Whee! Yay!" Jack just laid there and stared on, not knowing if he should be scared, or humoured by this.
Suddenly, Karen entered the room with scrambled eggs. "Get the fuck out of bed, dipshit!"
Jack suddenly got the urge to sit up, "Oh! Hi Karen!" He noticed she had made eggs, they were burnt, and still in his frying pan, but eggs non-the- less! "aww, did you make those for me?"
"Hell no!" Karen lashed out. "You have no more friggin food thanks to Elli, so I ran to my place and made some eggs for MYSELF."
Popuri stared at the eggs disgusted. "I wouldn't feed those to my dog."
Karen rolled her eyes, "You don't have a dog."
Popuri smirked. "Exactly."
Karen snapped, "Popuri, you know what? I had enough of your shit!" with that said, Karen hit Popuri with the frying pan. "Bitch!" She hissed.
The evil spawn of the devil laughed evilly, "YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT! BWAHAHAHA!"
Suddenly a fireball appeared and a million midgets ran out with pitch forks. They all poked at Karen's butt. "Get the alco-whore!" one yelled, "Die evil bitch of North!" another spoke up. It became apparent that they were all sprites when they chanted "Echmay Potato! Echmay Potato!"
"DIEEEE! DIE! DIE! DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" They all stabbed her with force, unfortunately, Karen was too drunk to care. She simply grabbed a garbage bag and stuffed them all inside, then tossed the garbage bag outside.
"Darn!" Popuri snapped. "Well! I would make a much better wife! Jack, honey! I'm going to go water the plants!" She ran out the door.
"Oh Yeah?!" Karen growled. "Challenge accepted! Jack, I'm going to collect and ship your eggs!" Karen left in a hurry as well.
Jack was loving this, "Woohoo! Free labour!"
A few minutes had passed, and Jack wanted to see how well they did. So he walked out, and seen Popuri smiling widely. "I watered your plants honey!" She said. He walked over and noticed only three plants had been watered out of the two hundred he had. He looked back at Popuri and noticed she was watering cement. She made her way to Ann who was chewing on grass in the fields and began to water her as well.
"Nay! Nay!" Ann mumbled in approval.
Jack was really beginning to worry about these girls. He walked over to the chicken coop to see how Karen was doing, but he was not impressed. Eggs were scattered all over the ground, and in the midst of it, Karen was off to the side taking a nap. "here chicken!" Jack looked off to the other side and noticed that most of his chicken's were gone, and Elli was chasing the last chicken he had.
"No! Elli! Please stop!" Jack cried.
Elli stuffed the final chicken into her mouth and belched.
Jack was disturbed, and now deeply upset. He wandered around his farm practically sobbing. Mary noticed how sad he was and took note of it in her notebook.
Meanwhile Popuri and Karen were going at it. "I hate you! You demon spawn whore!"
"I hate you more! You drunken bitch!" the two jumped on top of each other and began pulling each other's hair and slapping each other.
Ann watched the two girls wrestle, and rolled her eyes. "Girls! Enough! Can't you see what's going on?! We're turning against each other, but JACK is the one to blame! He is dating all of us at once!" The two girls realized Ann was right and stood.
"She's right!" Popuri declared. "Let's burn the little bastard!"
"I'll cut off his balls and mail them to Japan!" Karen grinned evilly. "Or.I'll give them to Sara, I heard she wanted that operation anyway."
Ann raised her fist. "Chop him up and feed him to the animals!"
Elli suddenly joined their group, "And we can eat his remains!"
They all shouted in unison "YEAH!!!!!!!!.....wait, eat his remains?! What the fuck?"
Elli glanced from side to side nervously. "I was joking of course."
Karen nodded, "Oh, OF COURSE" *cough*
Ann sighed, "We need weapons though."
Popuri's eyes circled and four flaming sticks appeared. Each girl grabbed one and ran after Jack.
"What the hell?!" Jack asked, stunned as he seen the four girls run at him with flaming weapons.
"LETS BURN HIS NUTS OFF!" Karen yelled. Jack suddenly felt sick. He ran from the four crazy girls who were trying to kill him.
Watching this, Mary got an idea for her new book! She began writing it all down.
The girls chased Jack and eventually cornered him in the fields. Popuri, with a sick grin on her face lit Jack's testicles on fire. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!" He screamed and passed out.
*********************
When Jack woke up, he was in a newly built clinic. "What the hell?" he asked himself. Suddenly he noticed the doctor was feeling his testicles. "WHAT THE HELL?!?!"
The doctor smiled at Jack, "Hello Jack, it seems there was an incident where your nuts caught fire. I am trying my best to repair them."
Jack felt choked up. "Will they be okay?"
"No, they will be even smaller.raisin sized. FOREVER" The doctor told Jack.
Jack didn't take the bad news well. Tears formed in his eyes. "No one will ever love me!"
The doctor got a sick grin. "That's where your wrong. I love you." Taking a step back, the doctor revealed that he was wearing a tutu. "In fact, while you were sleeping, I.."
"OH MY GOD!" Jack cried, "YOU ARE A SICK SICK MAN!" with that said, he sprinted out the door.
"You'll be back!" The doctor called after him. "They always come back."
*********************
Jack knew it wasn't a good idea, but he went back to his farm. The first person he noticed was Karen crying on his doorstep. He slowly walked up to the crying basket case. "Karen, you okay?"
"Yeah I'm okay, loser." She answered harshly. "Get lost."
Jack sat down beside her. "Awww, come on.tell me what's wrong?"
"I SAID GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" Karen snapped, as she reached for another bottle of beer to drink.
Jack sighed. "You can tell me."
Annoyed now, Karen was torn. Back home, the vineyards were going bankrupt, and her dad is EVIL! Yet, here on Jack's farm she felt safe. She wanted Jack to keep her there. Was she really this complex? "Jack, I love you."
Jack was stunned, he didn't know what to say. One minute Karen was trying to murder him and the next she was declaring her love for him.
Karen, of course was lying to stay at his house and away from her folks. More importantly Jack was the only person in town with a television. She often loved to watch soft-core porn. It was a passion of her's. "I know you love me too Jack, no denying it. You love me so much in fact, that you will go and buy me some more booze, NOW STEP ON IT!"
Jack chuckled. "Oh Karen!"
"Yeah, do I look like I'm joking?" She glared.
Jack slowly snuck away from her following eyes, only to see Elli sobbing as well. He skipped over to her. "Elli, what's wrong?"
Elli sobbed, "I'm just.. so fat!"
Jack was at a loss for words. "Well Elli, your not that fat, besides! You could always go on a diet!"
The word "diet" depressed Elli, and she sobbed more. Jack felt awkward and didn't know what to do, so he did the only thing he could think of. She took out a crumpled doughnut from his pocket. "How did that get in there?" He gave the doughnut to Elli.
"Oh Jack! You do know the way to a girl's heart!" She devoured the doughnut in one bite.
Jack smiled sheepishly. "You still need to buy me new chickens."
"CHICKENS?! WHERE?!" Elli stood and looked around, licking her lips.
Jack hid from her, and noticed Ann sitting in the fields. He crawled over to her, and noticed she was upset as well. "Ann, what's wrong?"
Ann sighed, "Elli ate all the chickens. They were my best friends!" She cried.
Jack didn't know what to say. "I'll buy more chickens!"
Ann beamed, "You would do that for me?!"
"Who said I would do that for YOU? Wait.I mean Yes! Ann I would do that for you!" Jack lied, but he loved the look Ann gave him.
"Oh my! A celebration is in order! I'll go get the fodder!" Ann crawled into the barn, where she slept.
Jack stood, not wanting to stay there any longer. He walked down the path of his farm and noticed YET ANOTHER sad looking girl.
"Popuri, what's wrong?"
Popuri looked up at Jack, "I need a sacrifice for the DemonSex ritual. I don't have one."
Jack thought long and hard, "You could use..One of the other girls! Preferably Elli!"
Popuri brightened. "Yes! I will do just that! Thanks Jack!" She ran off, cackling.
Suddenly, Hannah appeared "I am VERY mad I didn't appear in this episode till now and there will be hell to pay!"
Popuri smiled, "Ooh! Your going to visit hell? YAY! A VISITOR!"
Hannah looked at Popuri strangely, than continued. "Anyway, It is now time for the second weed ceremony!"
The five girls all proceeded into Jack's house, and Hannah took Jack aside to give him the letters the girl's had wrote him.
Karen's letter:
Rember Jak!
I luvv u! so kepe me hear! O.k? ok! i will sleep wit u!
Mary's letter:
Hello Jack,
Due to Hannah's high dislike of me, I only had a total of one line this episode, how tragic. You must keep me so that I can have more lines! Thank you.
Elli's letter:
JACK!!!!!!
I love you so much! Now bring me food!
Popuri's letter:
JACKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I like flowers, I like you, I like flowers, and I want to *censor* you. : )
Ann's letter:
hi Jack,
I care a lot about you and the animals so please choose me!
After finishing with the letters, Jack sighed. "This will be a tough ceremony" he said sadly then proceeded inside.
The girls STARED HIM DOWN as he came in. "Hello ladies. Today, I have four weeds, but there are five of you. Meaning one of you will be eliminated. Now let me begin." He picked up the first weed. "Karen."
Karen knew she would get the weed, she sauntered over to him and snatched him. "And that's the bottom line, cause K-Ho Said so!"
Jack picked up the second weed and looked at each girl. "Ann."
Ann hopped over to Jack and grabbed the weed with her teeth, then hopped back to her seat.
Jack had two more weeds to give out. "Popuri."
Popuri's eyes glowed a crimson color as she accepted her rose. "AYE WATSON!!" She screamed randomly.
Hannah interrupted, "Jack I must remind you that is your final weed. The girl without a weed will be eliminated."
Jack thought this over, and looked at Mary pacing, than at Elli eating a cupcake. "Elli."
Elli got up and grabbed the weed delighted. "Woohoo! More food!" She cheered.
Hannah looked over to Mary. "Mary, You must leave now."
Mary sighed pathetically, wiping the fog off her glasses. "B-bye J-Jack, I will...um l-love you forever." With that said, she left the room.
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!" Karen bluntly asked.
Jack shrugged, "She was just lonely..I feel sorry for her."
Mary shuffled her feet, keeping her head low as she left. Once she was out of the house, she shook her head from side to side, as if modelling. Her hair fell onto her shoulders. She took her glasses off and threw them away. Then she hiked her dress up, making sure the camera captured her thong. "Eat cunt!" she screamed as she got on her donkey and rode off. "Harris! I'm coming for you!!!!!!"
Mary was gone.
NEXT TIME: Jack meet's each girl's family.