Disclaimer:
Hannah: Yeah o_o..I think you all know how this goes. I do not own anything! Yay! O_o;
Also, KiT and Fairyfriend helped me with the ideas. Tankoos people! :D Ooh! And Nika had the original idea of the weirdo animal Ann. So Good ideas ^_^
KiT: O_O; l33t! *humping Rick's leg*
Fairyfriend: *takes Cliff off to come corner* O_o; Whee!
Nika: *somehow in this story* o_o;
^_^;;;; on with the story!
Harvest Moon: The Bachelor
~*~Four Girls, all vying for Jack's affection. Only one will be his bride. Karen, Elli, Ann, and Popuri ~*~
The clouds parted over one very controversial village, as four girls packed their things ready to move out of Jack's house. Karen's mind was cluttered like traffic, she didn't know what to do. She knew that it was time to introduce Jack to her parents but that was the last thing she really wanted to do. Suddenly she got an idea! What if she hired impostors to pose as her parents? A good idea indeed. Gotz, her father was a grumpy bastard, and as for her mother.Sasha was somewhat of a basket case. Karen wanted to seem as normal as possible while taunting Jack, and turning on him. She loved messing with people's minds. Especially boy's, she noticed as she looked in her diary and read the ten page list of names she slept with. Boy, this sure would be fun! If only she knew where she could get some wine.
Elli's mind raced about other issues. Her mother was dead, her father disappeared, and her grandmother had only just recently passed. Jeff was the only family she had, and he wasn't related by blood. Although Jeff was forty-six, and Elli was only eighteen, she had the most amazing sex dreams about him. She often imagined what it would really be like to have a relationship with someone more than twice her age. Would it be considered a pedophile? Gosh, Elli felt hungry. She knew she would have to introduce the two men who she had adored to each other. What a dread..now where was that doughnut?
Ann's mind raced at a slower pace, she was a total hick, so she seldom worried about petty things like television shows. Jack was cute, and his animals were AMAZING. In fact, one cow in particular caught Ann's eye. She wanted Jack's cow so badly, she knew it had only been about a week, but she was already in love. Ah, who was she kidding? Ann was acting crazy, like a dog in heat.
Popuri laughed evilly as she tried to imagine Jack's face when she told him that her parent's are both demons, and that she waters the cement because there is a small village underneath the flower shop. The green house was full of weed, with one officer in town, you got away with anything! She grew more and more excited thinking up scenarios with Jack becoming the senator of hell.
When Jack woke up, all the girls were gone. Placed on his nightstand was a schedule of places he would have to visit. Reading the list he discovered that he would be meeting Ann's family first. He didn't really care about dressing up for this date, after all, their daughter eats fodder. He was sure they would understand the sloppy attire.
As Jack made his way to Green ranch, he looked around. Animals were everywhere, off to the side he seen a boy with orange hair and a cap tending to some of them. Jack also noticed an older man talking to Ann. He had an orange beard and short orange hair. He looked like a total hick. Ann's father was petting Ann as he fed her some fodder. "Hey Ann!" Jack called to her as he walked over to the two. "How are you today?"
"Meeeeeeeow!" Ann brushed against Jack's knee and began to purr. Jack grew a little nervous as her father gave him the evil eye.
"Jack sonny, Let's have a talk." He said, as he grabbed his shot gun. Jack suddenly felt a lump in his throat. He knew what to expect. Ann's father was about to give him the third degree.
"Now sonny boy, my daughter isn't for free you know!" Ann's father warned as he showed his shot gun.
Jack quivered. "Sir, she is in good hands. I care a lot about her already, I am willing to brush her silky coat every day and feed her the finest fodder!"
"No! That's not what I'm talking about. I'm saying.check her out. My daughter has nice teats. She milk's easy when you use the milking machine correctly, and she is wild in bed!" Ann's father nodded, placing his gun aside. "My little girl is very special. I say, pay me 100g and she's all your's!"
Jack couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Uh Mr.Ann's dad."
"Please call me Doug, sonny!"
"Alright Doug, I don't think I can take that offer. Your daughter if one of a kind and I cannot accept that price." Jack crossed his arms.
"I'll throw in a month's supply of fodder if you just get her the fuck out of my barn, eh sonny? What do you say, eh?" Doug had a meek smile.
"Well, alright!" Jack smiled with no hesitation and shook Doug's hand to seal the deal.
Ann crawled over to her father, and her possible future husband. "Jack, what were you two talking about?"
"Oh nothing!" Jack laughed, "Though you might want to move your things to my barn. I own you now."
"She doesn't have anything. See how efficient she is?" Doug noted.
"DAD! NOT THIS AGAIN!" Ann's face suddenly changed as she began to hurl fists at her father. "I AM NOT LEAVING THESE ANIMALS! I LOVE THEM! I WANT TO HAVE KIDS WITH THEM FOR GOODNESS SAKE!"
"I'm only trying to help." Doug said sadly, as she lowered her head.
"Like when you pimped me off with that Cliff guy?" Ann asked in anger.
"Exactly! You do understand. We're low on cash anyway, and besides, you will get to see Jack everyday!" Doug smiled, trying to reason with her.
Jack looked on astonished. "We don't have to go through with this deal, you know."
"Sorry no refunds!" Doug said as he threw up his arms and went inside.
Jack looked at Ann sheepishly, "Now what do we do?"
"You can meet my brother, Gray!" Ann said cheerfully as she dragged Jack over to the boy with the cap. "Gray! Say hello to Jack."
Gray looked up at Jack for a moment, gave him a sharp glare and returned to his work. Jack was a little scared, so he tried to start a conversation. "Nice weather we're having, huh?"
"The weather is stupid....now go away, before I get my cows to molest you." Gray said sharply, eyeing Jack.
"Haha!" Jack laughed, "You honestly don't mean that!"
Gray looked at Jack for a moment longer, then returned to work. Ann sighed, "Don't mind him, he's just special. He fell off his horse a while back, so ever since he's been bitter. I mean, just because I smeared butter all over the saddle, and threw pins at the horse, doesn't mean I'm the one who caused the horse to go crazy!" Ann shrugged. "After that incident he sent his cows after me, I was." she trailed off. Jack got the hint.
"Well, I should get going now! I'm going to go visit Elli now." Jack said, as he hugged Ann goodbye.
"Jack, before you go.I want to know, do you like me a lot?" Ann questioned.
"Yes! Of course I do! That's why I paid a whole whopping 100g for you!" Jack stated.
Ann smirked, "Prove it." Those words excited Jack as he moved in for a kiss, but he was stopped by the slap of Ann's fist. "NOT THAT WAY LOSER!" She hissed. "I want a blue feather damn it!" Jack nodded. It was all starting to register now, how much she cared about him, and how scared he would be if he were to ever dump her.
Jack left Green ranch with a smile on his face, and made his way to the bakery to meet Elli's folks.only nobody was there. He walked in and noticed Elli sitting at one of the tables, stuffing her face with sweets. "Hey Elli!" he smiled.
Elli looked up at him, not caring in the least till she was finished. Finally she looked over to Jack with her sweet eyes and asked. "Could you be a dear, and get me some more cake please? I love you!" Jack sighed, and walked over to the counter where a guy with a cheesy looking moustache stood. "One cake please." Jack said, till he heard Elli call over to him.
"Jack, dear.make it seven!" She said sweetly.
"Seven cakes." Jack corrected himself. The man at the counter just stared at him. "is there a problem?"
The man blushed, "So your little Elli's new lover. I'm Jeff, her side- love." He stacked the cakes and gave them to Jack. "It's on the house!"
"Thanks." Jack said as he accepted the cakes and returned to his seat beside Elli. "Elli, why did that guy say you two were lovers?" Jack asked her.
"God I'm hungry!" Elli commented, trying to avoid Jack's question as she finished off the cakes within seconds.
"Elli! Answer me!" Jack sneered. "Why did he have that crazy idea? I mean what is he? Thirty?"
Elli looked up at Jack, "He's Forty-six." She sighed, "I was going to tell you about him but I guess I forgot. His name is Jeff, he works here at the bakery. My Grandmother always tried setting me up with him, telling me he was the best lay she ever had."
Jack was stunned, just how sick was this family? Then he thought of how the grandmother described Jeff. "The best lay she ever had?" this intrigued Jack for some unknown reason. "Maybe I'm gay?"
Elli looked up at Jack, "Your gay?! OH MY GOD! AFTER ALL THIS TIME, YOU COME OUT AND TELL ME THAT YOUR GAY?!?"
Jack looked at her stunned, "First off, I'm NOT gay! I was just thinking.and secondly, we knew each other for a WEEK!"
Elli began to cry, "But I love you already! DAMN! I'm hungry!" she cried.
"I'm gay too!" Jeff screamed out, as he gave a wink to Jack. "Let's go to the back to make some special sugar coating."
Jack considered it for a minute before rejecting his offer. "No thanks, I'm not gay!" he laughed, embarrassed.
"Well I AM GAY!" Jeff shouted, "And I just admitted that. AND YOU are not going to make my admitting sacrifice go unrewarded! Let's go to the back! I want to have your babies!"
Elli shrieked in horror, "Oh my god! This is the worst day of my life! Wait, maybe I'm a lesbian!" She gasped at this revelation.
"Elli, now your taking this too far." Jack said, rolling his eyes.
Elli shrugged, "I guess so, oh Jack. I do love you!" she said obliviously. "But now, I must eat." She retreated to the back room where she was alone with the deserts.
"Oh god." Jeff sighed, "That girl is going to make us bankrupt if she keeps eating our stock. Well Jack, we'll have fun another time, I have to call the cops to get Elli removed with a crane. See yah!" Jeff left the room.
Jack stood there dumbfounded. What had just happened? And what did Jeff mean call the cops? Harris was the only known cop, but he had his part time job as a mailman too. Jack had too much to think about so she just shrugged it off and decided to go visit Karen.
Jack made his way to the vineyards, only to see Karen looking bummed out. "Shit!" she said as she spotted Jack. "The actors aren't here yet."
Jack walked past the white picket fence and over to Karen's side. "Hey! What's up?"
"Leave me alone." Karen said, grumpily.
"What's the matter this time?" Jack asked, annoyed.
Karen glared at him. "Don't be stupid Jacky-boy, keep your distance if you know what's good for you." She grabbed a bottle of wine, and sipped it.
"Aren't I supposed to meet your family?" Jack asked her, a little confused.
"Go ahead, they're inside." She smirked, as she finished off her beer and began drinking another.
Jack sighed, "Fine." He slowly walked up to her door and knocked. There was no response. He knocked again, this time her door opened. Wondering what to do, he finally made the choice to walk in. As soon as he took a step through the door, he heard the click of a shot gun. "Not again." He groaned.
"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU IN MY FUCKING HOUSE?!" Karen's father yelled at him. Her father looked gruff and scary. He was double the size of Jack.
Jack stuttered. "Uh, I-I can explain! You s-see, Your daughter Karen."
"Is a whore! What's your point?!" The man, who was known as Gotz pointed his gun at Jack. "Why don't you just leave?"
Jack stared at Gotz frightened. "Please sir, I just want to."
"I said, LEAVE. Are you fucking blind?!" Gotz snapped harshly.
"Actually, it's deaf sir." Jack corrected him, "And no I am not deaf."
"Oh so NOW YOUR CORRECTING ME! Well how about I MAKE you blind AND deaf! Screw that, you'll be DEAD!" Gotz laughed like a maniac and shot at Jack.
Jack dodged the bullet like in the matrix and ran out the door. He heard Gotz call after him, "AND DON'T COME BACK YOU HEAR ME! I WILL KILL YOU! AND THEN EAT YOUR INTESTINES! AND RAPE YOUR ARSE!"
Jack was disturbed beyond levels when he ran into Karen. He was in tears. "Karen! Your dad is horrible!"
"I HEARD THAT!" Her dad screeched, as grenades were thrown from the windows out to where Jack was standing.
"Shit!" Jack squealed as he tried to take cover, he noticed the vineyard shack. He ran inside and noticed Karen's mother, a blonde who looked nothing like Karen on top of their servant. He had realized her name was Sasha from the moans the boy underneath her made. "Oh Sasha!"
Sasha suddenly looked up, she was totally naked. "Oh my god!" She screamed as she tried to cover up, using the boy's purple bandana that was laying on the floor. The boy was dark, and looked like a total womanizer.
"Hey, I'm Kai." The worker said naturally, as if Jack hadn't just found him naked, screwing the winemaker's wife. "Your Karen's boyfriend, huh?"
Jack nodded, now deeply disturbed. "Uhh.I should go."
Sasha stood, "Before you go, you must promise not to tell anyone!" she took out a sword and pointed it at Jack. "Promise?"
Jack was confused, "Where the hell did that sword come from?!"
"JUST PROMISE!" She screamed, pointing the sword more wildly.
"Alright, I won't tell your husband that you're having an affair with your servant." Jack rolled his eyes, then left.
When he got out, the explosions had stopped, and he noticed Karen running around the farm naked, drunk as day.
"Please oh pikachu! You complete me!" She screamed as she ran into the old tree and began making passionate love to it. Intrigued, Jack grabbed his camera and began snapping shots of this weird phenomenon, then decided he had enough fun and left to Popuri's.
Jack opened the door to the flower shop, not knowing exactly what he was getting himself into. He heard strange chants coming from all sides. "Oh Magical Bush of Greatness! Grant us Peace!" Popuri's voice said in a powerful Lucifer tone.
"Oh Magical Bush of Greatness, my wish is for sex! All the time, every day! I get lonely when my hubby leaves! I rely on dildos, and play things! Grant me this wish!" Popuri's mother yelled.
"I never want to find the herb to cure Popuri's mother!" Her father chimed, "I want to keep searching so I can keeping having affairs!"
"I want Jack to choose me, and have his babies!" Popuri joined in.
Jack widened his eyes, Popuri sat on the floor in a circle with her parents. Her mother looked identical to Popuri except older, and her father had brown short hair, with botanist gear.
"There she is!" Popuri cried with glee as she ran over to Jack and hugged him tightly.
"HAIL BUSH OF THE NORTH!" Her father continued chanting, while her mother walked over to Jack and threw rose pedals in his face.
"I'm Lillia, now you are hexed forever and will die a painful death if you do not marry our Popuri." Her mother grinned evilly as her eye's glowed with her daughter's. "You will never get the pussy!"
Popuri repeated this, "If you do not choose me you will never get the pussy!"
"HAIL!" Her father yelled from the back.
"Alright Jack!" Popuri smiled, "nothing else to do, I'll walk you outside."
Lillia joined her husband, and they opened the back door, where Jack thought he saw hell. Fireballs and demons ran through the door. Both parents jumped through the portal.
"Bye Jack!" Popuri yelped as she threw him outside on his butt.
Jack had a hard decision to make. Clearly all four of these girls had problems. Who had the most?
Suddenly, Hannah appeared behind Jack. "Hello Jack, sorry I wasn't here, I was somewhere dreaming about wild sex with Gray-I mean, I was off being professional, on a business meeting." She coughed. "Let's go back to your place and gather the girls. The weed ceremony will take place very soon." Jack nodded and headed home, ready to make his decision.
When Jack got home, he waited until Hannah approached him. After a while, she walked up to him smiling. "It is time. You will make a hard decision now. Ann, Elli, Karen, or Popuri? One of them will be eliminated shortly. First you should read their letters."
Jack read the letters.
Karen's letter:
jak!
i haav a secart! i relly am a man! no just kidding heehee heehee i like sex and parties do u? wat up! how did u like my dad? kai said u were cool about him ---ing my mom. kewl! love u 4ever!
Karen
Popuri's letter:
Remember Jack, If you do not choose me you will NEVER get pussy. Asides from that, I love you! Whee! Yay! Love! Woohoo! Bye!
Ann's letter:
I had fun! I'm so glad I get to sleep in your barn now! I'm not mad anymore, cause I know my dad is just looking out for me! He knows we're meant to be. I love you! And your cows.
Elli's letter:
Hi love,
I'm hungry, and torn over this whole ordeal! I don't know what to eat! Help me!
Always love you sweetie,
Especially if you want to cook me food,
Elli
Jack was touched by these letters and almost began to cry, but he wiped his tears and took the task at hand. "I'm ready." He said. Hannah nodded and led him inside where the four girls were waiting. "Well, I guess it's time. This weed ceremony will definitely be dramatic." He noted, "As I am falling for each of you. Please don't take this personally. Without further adieu, my first weed is for."
Karen glared angrily at him, she was a mean drunk. Ann was scratching herself, she really needed some flea spray. Elli's eyes got big and watery, she was hungry! Popuri just looked at him and mouthed the words "No pussy"
"Popuri!" Popuri smiled eagerly as she snatched her weed. Jack grabbed the next weed and looked at the three girls. Karen was pulling her hair out, Ann was still scratching, and Elli started to cry. "My next weed is for Karen."
Karen got up, and collapsed, so Jack just whipped the weed at her head. "Thank you, bastard." She mumbled into the carpet.
Hannah interrupted as she usually did. "This is your last weed Jack, the girl without a weed will be eliminated."
Jack paused, then recuperated. "My last weed is for.." *GASP!* "Ann."
Ann cheered and pranced around the room, like an overexcited bunny rabbit. Elli was not as happy. She sat there sobbing.
"Whaaaaat's wrong with me?!" She cried, "This is the worst feeling ever! I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy! I laid it all on the line and got shot down!" she sobbed as she stuffed a box of baked goods into her mouth. "It's cause I'm fat isn't it?!"
"No! Of course not! I mean, I didn't feel the connection, plus, you liked a gay guy, twice your age. That's a little weird!" Jack reasoned with her.
"I KNEW IT! IT IS CAUSE I'M FAT!" She ran out crying, leaving Jack there dumbfounded.
Elli walked out wailing, and got on the donkey, crushing it. The donkey fell over, and Elli cried harder. "Don't mock me! Damn you!" She grabbed a knife and fork out. "I am upset. See? And when I'm upset I eat." The donkey suddenly felt the urge to run away, and that's exactly what it did, leaving her there sobbing like a five year old. "Ah well, maybe Jeff will date me. He IS a cook." Elli nodded, "Yes, Jeff and I will get married and make babies! And he will make me food every day!" She cheered, oblivious to the fact he was gay. She walked off Jack's property finally smiling. "Good riddance!"
Elli was gone.
*credits roll*
Hannah: Yeah o_o..I think you all know how this goes. I do not own anything! Yay! O_o;
Also, KiT and Fairyfriend helped me with the ideas. Tankoos people! :D Ooh! And Nika had the original idea of the weirdo animal Ann. So Good ideas ^_^
KiT: O_O; l33t! *humping Rick's leg*
Fairyfriend: *takes Cliff off to come corner* O_o; Whee!
Nika: *somehow in this story* o_o;
^_^;;;; on with the story!
Harvest Moon: The Bachelor
~*~Four Girls, all vying for Jack's affection. Only one will be his bride. Karen, Elli, Ann, and Popuri ~*~
The clouds parted over one very controversial village, as four girls packed their things ready to move out of Jack's house. Karen's mind was cluttered like traffic, she didn't know what to do. She knew that it was time to introduce Jack to her parents but that was the last thing she really wanted to do. Suddenly she got an idea! What if she hired impostors to pose as her parents? A good idea indeed. Gotz, her father was a grumpy bastard, and as for her mother.Sasha was somewhat of a basket case. Karen wanted to seem as normal as possible while taunting Jack, and turning on him. She loved messing with people's minds. Especially boy's, she noticed as she looked in her diary and read the ten page list of names she slept with. Boy, this sure would be fun! If only she knew where she could get some wine.
Elli's mind raced about other issues. Her mother was dead, her father disappeared, and her grandmother had only just recently passed. Jeff was the only family she had, and he wasn't related by blood. Although Jeff was forty-six, and Elli was only eighteen, she had the most amazing sex dreams about him. She often imagined what it would really be like to have a relationship with someone more than twice her age. Would it be considered a pedophile? Gosh, Elli felt hungry. She knew she would have to introduce the two men who she had adored to each other. What a dread..now where was that doughnut?
Ann's mind raced at a slower pace, she was a total hick, so she seldom worried about petty things like television shows. Jack was cute, and his animals were AMAZING. In fact, one cow in particular caught Ann's eye. She wanted Jack's cow so badly, she knew it had only been about a week, but she was already in love. Ah, who was she kidding? Ann was acting crazy, like a dog in heat.
Popuri laughed evilly as she tried to imagine Jack's face when she told him that her parent's are both demons, and that she waters the cement because there is a small village underneath the flower shop. The green house was full of weed, with one officer in town, you got away with anything! She grew more and more excited thinking up scenarios with Jack becoming the senator of hell.
When Jack woke up, all the girls were gone. Placed on his nightstand was a schedule of places he would have to visit. Reading the list he discovered that he would be meeting Ann's family first. He didn't really care about dressing up for this date, after all, their daughter eats fodder. He was sure they would understand the sloppy attire.
As Jack made his way to Green ranch, he looked around. Animals were everywhere, off to the side he seen a boy with orange hair and a cap tending to some of them. Jack also noticed an older man talking to Ann. He had an orange beard and short orange hair. He looked like a total hick. Ann's father was petting Ann as he fed her some fodder. "Hey Ann!" Jack called to her as he walked over to the two. "How are you today?"
"Meeeeeeeow!" Ann brushed against Jack's knee and began to purr. Jack grew a little nervous as her father gave him the evil eye.
"Jack sonny, Let's have a talk." He said, as he grabbed his shot gun. Jack suddenly felt a lump in his throat. He knew what to expect. Ann's father was about to give him the third degree.
"Now sonny boy, my daughter isn't for free you know!" Ann's father warned as he showed his shot gun.
Jack quivered. "Sir, she is in good hands. I care a lot about her already, I am willing to brush her silky coat every day and feed her the finest fodder!"
"No! That's not what I'm talking about. I'm saying.check her out. My daughter has nice teats. She milk's easy when you use the milking machine correctly, and she is wild in bed!" Ann's father nodded, placing his gun aside. "My little girl is very special. I say, pay me 100g and she's all your's!"
Jack couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Uh Mr.Ann's dad."
"Please call me Doug, sonny!"
"Alright Doug, I don't think I can take that offer. Your daughter if one of a kind and I cannot accept that price." Jack crossed his arms.
"I'll throw in a month's supply of fodder if you just get her the fuck out of my barn, eh sonny? What do you say, eh?" Doug had a meek smile.
"Well, alright!" Jack smiled with no hesitation and shook Doug's hand to seal the deal.
Ann crawled over to her father, and her possible future husband. "Jack, what were you two talking about?"
"Oh nothing!" Jack laughed, "Though you might want to move your things to my barn. I own you now."
"She doesn't have anything. See how efficient she is?" Doug noted.
"DAD! NOT THIS AGAIN!" Ann's face suddenly changed as she began to hurl fists at her father. "I AM NOT LEAVING THESE ANIMALS! I LOVE THEM! I WANT TO HAVE KIDS WITH THEM FOR GOODNESS SAKE!"
"I'm only trying to help." Doug said sadly, as she lowered her head.
"Like when you pimped me off with that Cliff guy?" Ann asked in anger.
"Exactly! You do understand. We're low on cash anyway, and besides, you will get to see Jack everyday!" Doug smiled, trying to reason with her.
Jack looked on astonished. "We don't have to go through with this deal, you know."
"Sorry no refunds!" Doug said as he threw up his arms and went inside.
Jack looked at Ann sheepishly, "Now what do we do?"
"You can meet my brother, Gray!" Ann said cheerfully as she dragged Jack over to the boy with the cap. "Gray! Say hello to Jack."
Gray looked up at Jack for a moment, gave him a sharp glare and returned to his work. Jack was a little scared, so he tried to start a conversation. "Nice weather we're having, huh?"
"The weather is stupid....now go away, before I get my cows to molest you." Gray said sharply, eyeing Jack.
"Haha!" Jack laughed, "You honestly don't mean that!"
Gray looked at Jack for a moment longer, then returned to work. Ann sighed, "Don't mind him, he's just special. He fell off his horse a while back, so ever since he's been bitter. I mean, just because I smeared butter all over the saddle, and threw pins at the horse, doesn't mean I'm the one who caused the horse to go crazy!" Ann shrugged. "After that incident he sent his cows after me, I was." she trailed off. Jack got the hint.
"Well, I should get going now! I'm going to go visit Elli now." Jack said, as he hugged Ann goodbye.
"Jack, before you go.I want to know, do you like me a lot?" Ann questioned.
"Yes! Of course I do! That's why I paid a whole whopping 100g for you!" Jack stated.
Ann smirked, "Prove it." Those words excited Jack as he moved in for a kiss, but he was stopped by the slap of Ann's fist. "NOT THAT WAY LOSER!" She hissed. "I want a blue feather damn it!" Jack nodded. It was all starting to register now, how much she cared about him, and how scared he would be if he were to ever dump her.
Jack left Green ranch with a smile on his face, and made his way to the bakery to meet Elli's folks.only nobody was there. He walked in and noticed Elli sitting at one of the tables, stuffing her face with sweets. "Hey Elli!" he smiled.
Elli looked up at him, not caring in the least till she was finished. Finally she looked over to Jack with her sweet eyes and asked. "Could you be a dear, and get me some more cake please? I love you!" Jack sighed, and walked over to the counter where a guy with a cheesy looking moustache stood. "One cake please." Jack said, till he heard Elli call over to him.
"Jack, dear.make it seven!" She said sweetly.
"Seven cakes." Jack corrected himself. The man at the counter just stared at him. "is there a problem?"
The man blushed, "So your little Elli's new lover. I'm Jeff, her side- love." He stacked the cakes and gave them to Jack. "It's on the house!"
"Thanks." Jack said as he accepted the cakes and returned to his seat beside Elli. "Elli, why did that guy say you two were lovers?" Jack asked her.
"God I'm hungry!" Elli commented, trying to avoid Jack's question as she finished off the cakes within seconds.
"Elli! Answer me!" Jack sneered. "Why did he have that crazy idea? I mean what is he? Thirty?"
Elli looked up at Jack, "He's Forty-six." She sighed, "I was going to tell you about him but I guess I forgot. His name is Jeff, he works here at the bakery. My Grandmother always tried setting me up with him, telling me he was the best lay she ever had."
Jack was stunned, just how sick was this family? Then he thought of how the grandmother described Jeff. "The best lay she ever had?" this intrigued Jack for some unknown reason. "Maybe I'm gay?"
Elli looked up at Jack, "Your gay?! OH MY GOD! AFTER ALL THIS TIME, YOU COME OUT AND TELL ME THAT YOUR GAY?!?"
Jack looked at her stunned, "First off, I'm NOT gay! I was just thinking.and secondly, we knew each other for a WEEK!"
Elli began to cry, "But I love you already! DAMN! I'm hungry!" she cried.
"I'm gay too!" Jeff screamed out, as he gave a wink to Jack. "Let's go to the back to make some special sugar coating."
Jack considered it for a minute before rejecting his offer. "No thanks, I'm not gay!" he laughed, embarrassed.
"Well I AM GAY!" Jeff shouted, "And I just admitted that. AND YOU are not going to make my admitting sacrifice go unrewarded! Let's go to the back! I want to have your babies!"
Elli shrieked in horror, "Oh my god! This is the worst day of my life! Wait, maybe I'm a lesbian!" She gasped at this revelation.
"Elli, now your taking this too far." Jack said, rolling his eyes.
Elli shrugged, "I guess so, oh Jack. I do love you!" she said obliviously. "But now, I must eat." She retreated to the back room where she was alone with the deserts.
"Oh god." Jeff sighed, "That girl is going to make us bankrupt if she keeps eating our stock. Well Jack, we'll have fun another time, I have to call the cops to get Elli removed with a crane. See yah!" Jeff left the room.
Jack stood there dumbfounded. What had just happened? And what did Jeff mean call the cops? Harris was the only known cop, but he had his part time job as a mailman too. Jack had too much to think about so she just shrugged it off and decided to go visit Karen.
Jack made his way to the vineyards, only to see Karen looking bummed out. "Shit!" she said as she spotted Jack. "The actors aren't here yet."
Jack walked past the white picket fence and over to Karen's side. "Hey! What's up?"
"Leave me alone." Karen said, grumpily.
"What's the matter this time?" Jack asked, annoyed.
Karen glared at him. "Don't be stupid Jacky-boy, keep your distance if you know what's good for you." She grabbed a bottle of wine, and sipped it.
"Aren't I supposed to meet your family?" Jack asked her, a little confused.
"Go ahead, they're inside." She smirked, as she finished off her beer and began drinking another.
Jack sighed, "Fine." He slowly walked up to her door and knocked. There was no response. He knocked again, this time her door opened. Wondering what to do, he finally made the choice to walk in. As soon as he took a step through the door, he heard the click of a shot gun. "Not again." He groaned.
"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU IN MY FUCKING HOUSE?!" Karen's father yelled at him. Her father looked gruff and scary. He was double the size of Jack.
Jack stuttered. "Uh, I-I can explain! You s-see, Your daughter Karen."
"Is a whore! What's your point?!" The man, who was known as Gotz pointed his gun at Jack. "Why don't you just leave?"
Jack stared at Gotz frightened. "Please sir, I just want to."
"I said, LEAVE. Are you fucking blind?!" Gotz snapped harshly.
"Actually, it's deaf sir." Jack corrected him, "And no I am not deaf."
"Oh so NOW YOUR CORRECTING ME! Well how about I MAKE you blind AND deaf! Screw that, you'll be DEAD!" Gotz laughed like a maniac and shot at Jack.
Jack dodged the bullet like in the matrix and ran out the door. He heard Gotz call after him, "AND DON'T COME BACK YOU HEAR ME! I WILL KILL YOU! AND THEN EAT YOUR INTESTINES! AND RAPE YOUR ARSE!"
Jack was disturbed beyond levels when he ran into Karen. He was in tears. "Karen! Your dad is horrible!"
"I HEARD THAT!" Her dad screeched, as grenades were thrown from the windows out to where Jack was standing.
"Shit!" Jack squealed as he tried to take cover, he noticed the vineyard shack. He ran inside and noticed Karen's mother, a blonde who looked nothing like Karen on top of their servant. He had realized her name was Sasha from the moans the boy underneath her made. "Oh Sasha!"
Sasha suddenly looked up, she was totally naked. "Oh my god!" She screamed as she tried to cover up, using the boy's purple bandana that was laying on the floor. The boy was dark, and looked like a total womanizer.
"Hey, I'm Kai." The worker said naturally, as if Jack hadn't just found him naked, screwing the winemaker's wife. "Your Karen's boyfriend, huh?"
Jack nodded, now deeply disturbed. "Uhh.I should go."
Sasha stood, "Before you go, you must promise not to tell anyone!" she took out a sword and pointed it at Jack. "Promise?"
Jack was confused, "Where the hell did that sword come from?!"
"JUST PROMISE!" She screamed, pointing the sword more wildly.
"Alright, I won't tell your husband that you're having an affair with your servant." Jack rolled his eyes, then left.
When he got out, the explosions had stopped, and he noticed Karen running around the farm naked, drunk as day.
"Please oh pikachu! You complete me!" She screamed as she ran into the old tree and began making passionate love to it. Intrigued, Jack grabbed his camera and began snapping shots of this weird phenomenon, then decided he had enough fun and left to Popuri's.
Jack opened the door to the flower shop, not knowing exactly what he was getting himself into. He heard strange chants coming from all sides. "Oh Magical Bush of Greatness! Grant us Peace!" Popuri's voice said in a powerful Lucifer tone.
"Oh Magical Bush of Greatness, my wish is for sex! All the time, every day! I get lonely when my hubby leaves! I rely on dildos, and play things! Grant me this wish!" Popuri's mother yelled.
"I never want to find the herb to cure Popuri's mother!" Her father chimed, "I want to keep searching so I can keeping having affairs!"
"I want Jack to choose me, and have his babies!" Popuri joined in.
Jack widened his eyes, Popuri sat on the floor in a circle with her parents. Her mother looked identical to Popuri except older, and her father had brown short hair, with botanist gear.
"There she is!" Popuri cried with glee as she ran over to Jack and hugged him tightly.
"HAIL BUSH OF THE NORTH!" Her father continued chanting, while her mother walked over to Jack and threw rose pedals in his face.
"I'm Lillia, now you are hexed forever and will die a painful death if you do not marry our Popuri." Her mother grinned evilly as her eye's glowed with her daughter's. "You will never get the pussy!"
Popuri repeated this, "If you do not choose me you will never get the pussy!"
"HAIL!" Her father yelled from the back.
"Alright Jack!" Popuri smiled, "nothing else to do, I'll walk you outside."
Lillia joined her husband, and they opened the back door, where Jack thought he saw hell. Fireballs and demons ran through the door. Both parents jumped through the portal.
"Bye Jack!" Popuri yelped as she threw him outside on his butt.
Jack had a hard decision to make. Clearly all four of these girls had problems. Who had the most?
Suddenly, Hannah appeared behind Jack. "Hello Jack, sorry I wasn't here, I was somewhere dreaming about wild sex with Gray-I mean, I was off being professional, on a business meeting." She coughed. "Let's go back to your place and gather the girls. The weed ceremony will take place very soon." Jack nodded and headed home, ready to make his decision.
When Jack got home, he waited until Hannah approached him. After a while, she walked up to him smiling. "It is time. You will make a hard decision now. Ann, Elli, Karen, or Popuri? One of them will be eliminated shortly. First you should read their letters."
Jack read the letters.
Karen's letter:
jak!
i haav a secart! i relly am a man! no just kidding heehee heehee i like sex and parties do u? wat up! how did u like my dad? kai said u were cool about him ---ing my mom. kewl! love u 4ever!
Karen
Popuri's letter:
Remember Jack, If you do not choose me you will NEVER get pussy. Asides from that, I love you! Whee! Yay! Love! Woohoo! Bye!
Ann's letter:
I had fun! I'm so glad I get to sleep in your barn now! I'm not mad anymore, cause I know my dad is just looking out for me! He knows we're meant to be. I love you! And your cows.
Elli's letter:
Hi love,
I'm hungry, and torn over this whole ordeal! I don't know what to eat! Help me!
Always love you sweetie,
Especially if you want to cook me food,
Elli
Jack was touched by these letters and almost began to cry, but he wiped his tears and took the task at hand. "I'm ready." He said. Hannah nodded and led him inside where the four girls were waiting. "Well, I guess it's time. This weed ceremony will definitely be dramatic." He noted, "As I am falling for each of you. Please don't take this personally. Without further adieu, my first weed is for."
Karen glared angrily at him, she was a mean drunk. Ann was scratching herself, she really needed some flea spray. Elli's eyes got big and watery, she was hungry! Popuri just looked at him and mouthed the words "No pussy"
"Popuri!" Popuri smiled eagerly as she snatched her weed. Jack grabbed the next weed and looked at the three girls. Karen was pulling her hair out, Ann was still scratching, and Elli started to cry. "My next weed is for Karen."
Karen got up, and collapsed, so Jack just whipped the weed at her head. "Thank you, bastard." She mumbled into the carpet.
Hannah interrupted as she usually did. "This is your last weed Jack, the girl without a weed will be eliminated."
Jack paused, then recuperated. "My last weed is for.." *GASP!* "Ann."
Ann cheered and pranced around the room, like an overexcited bunny rabbit. Elli was not as happy. She sat there sobbing.
"Whaaaaat's wrong with me?!" She cried, "This is the worst feeling ever! I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy! I laid it all on the line and got shot down!" she sobbed as she stuffed a box of baked goods into her mouth. "It's cause I'm fat isn't it?!"
"No! Of course not! I mean, I didn't feel the connection, plus, you liked a gay guy, twice your age. That's a little weird!" Jack reasoned with her.
"I KNEW IT! IT IS CAUSE I'M FAT!" She ran out crying, leaving Jack there dumbfounded.
Elli walked out wailing, and got on the donkey, crushing it. The donkey fell over, and Elli cried harder. "Don't mock me! Damn you!" She grabbed a knife and fork out. "I am upset. See? And when I'm upset I eat." The donkey suddenly felt the urge to run away, and that's exactly what it did, leaving her there sobbing like a five year old. "Ah well, maybe Jeff will date me. He IS a cook." Elli nodded, "Yes, Jeff and I will get married and make babies! And he will make me food every day!" She cheered, oblivious to the fact he was gay. She walked off Jack's property finally smiling. "Good riddance!"
Elli was gone.
*credits roll*