Disclaimer:
Hannah: I own nada! O_o
Harvest Moon: The Bachelor
~*~Three Girls all vying for Jack's affection. Only one will be his bride. Karen, Ann, and Popuri ~*~
It was an early morning, and Jack felt great. Waking up, he decided to go check how Ann was doing in his barn. Walking over to his barn, and opening the door, he sure wasn't prepared for what he had seen next. "ANN!?!"
There was Ann, naked, and surrounded by a litter of baby cows, a dildo was stuck into one of the cow's arses, and the others mooed madly. "It's not what it looks like Jack! I didn't just have sex with your cow! Honest!" She laughed, trying not to turn red. "It's just.your cows.are so irresistible! Oh god! Take me!" She jumped on one of his cows, "Yes! Besse, take me!"
Jack was now disturbed beyond levels. He had never been so disgusted. "Have fun." He said blankly as he ran out to throw up. As he did, he noticed Popuri eating the weeds in his yard. "Hey!" He yelled over to her, "I need those for the weed ceremony!"
Popuri glared at Jack and reminded him of the curse, by mouthing the words "No pussy."
Jack got the message and gave up. "Alright, do what you want! I had enough!"
Hannah suddenly appeared on Jack's farm smiling. "Hello Jack. Well as you know, You are going to have three overnight dates before you make your choice."
Jack sighed, "How could I forget?"
Hannah grinned, "So Ann's date will be in the SEXY Harvest cave, Karen's date will be in the library, and Popuri's will be in the church. Have fun!" with that said, Hannah ran off cackling like a hag.
Ann walked out, carrying an infant cow. "Isn't she cute? I named her KiT- Girl!"
"Yeah, so cute." Jack said sarcastically, while rolling his eyes.
"I guess we should get going, huh? I'm so excited about this date!" She cheered.
"Uh-huh, yeah me too, sure." He nodded, not paying attention.
Ann jumped up and down excitedly. "I just have to get my things, and I'll be right back. I'll tell the girls we're leaving too!" Jack nodded, and Ann ran into the barn and returned moments later. "Let's go!" The two were off.
Ann's Overnight Date
Jack and Ann walked into the small cozy harvest cave where they were soon joined by a dozen harvest sprites. "Echmay Potato!" They all cheered.
Jack looked at them strangely, "Yeah, go Yankees!" He looked back at Ann who was petting a squirrel, "I'm just going to forage, I'll be back in a few."
"Alright!" Ann cheered, "Nothings better than being in good spirits!" Ann looked back at the squirrel. "Go now Jack, leave us to our discussion!"
Jack nodded, and left the cave to go forage. He passed the fisherman as he did, and got tapped on his shoulder. "Yes?"
The fisherman looked him straight in the eye, "Do you like fishing?"
Jack nodded, "I love it! Why, do you have a rod for me?"
"Fuck no, loser. I just asked a damn question moocher! Buy your own fucking rod!" The fisherman threw Jack into the water.
Jack used all his strength and finally got himself out of the river. "What the hell!" Jack lamented, "This is no fun!" he stomped his foot, and walked off to see what he could find where the goddess pond was. He noticed a potato shining like gold on the bridge that crossed over the pond. Jack leaped across the grassy fields to get, unfortunately he fell into the pond.
Suddenly, in a burst of blue light the goddess appeared. "An offering? Not many people make offerings, you must be a very spiritual person." She looked around for someone, and noticed a potato on the bridge. "So what is your wish?" She asked the potato. Getting no answer, she grew impatient. "I don't have all day, you know!"
Jack "Potatoes can't talk!" Jack tried to point out, but only swallowed water.
The potato sat there, than said "I wish I was a famous actress!" and BOOM! The potato now had pink sunglasses on with a designer coat. Signs appeared everywhere, promoting the potato. "Now, Brad Pitt will notice me!" The potato hopped around happily.
Jack pulled himself out of the water for the second time on the date. "Not fair!"
The goddess glared at Jack. "Life's not fair, now leave. Loser."
Jack sighed, and made his way back to the cave where Ann now had much more company. "Oh god yes! Mr. Rabbit! Just like that! Oh god! Yes!" Thousands of animals surrounded Ann, for an inter-species orgy!
Jack had enough, he crumpled some sand together to make a pillow for himself, and went to sleep quite early.
The next morning, Jack brought a happy Ann back home. "I hope you had fun." he said sheepishly.
"Oh my! Yes! It was the best date I have ever been on!" Ann jumped for joy.
"That's nice. I'm going to get Karen now, for my second date." He stated as he went inside to find Karen. He found her drinking a bottle of beer, drooling all over his bed. "Karen, get out of bed! It's time for our overnight date."
Karen sighed. "Hooray." She said sarcastically.
The two headed off to the library.
Karen's Overnight Date
Jack opened the library door with his special key and let her in. "Oh god! Books! I hate books! I can't even read! Fuck, why the hell a library?" Karen asked harshly.
"I don't know.You can't read?! Wow! By your superb writing skills I would have guessed you'd be at the top of your class!" Jack said sarcastically.
"What class? I ditched school a loooong time ago." Karen laughed, "School is for losers."
"Right." Jack nodded, looking at Karen strangely.
"Does this place have any booze?" Karen asked, as she searched the little nook.
"Probably not, You know Mary, She wouldn't drink beer if her life depended on it!" Jack laughed.
"Found some!" Karen shouted, as she took out some beer and some Hash (the drug) "Wow! Our little Mary is a smart girl after all."
"Someone must have planted those there!" Jack stuttered. "Mary would never smoke that stuff!"
Karen found a video on the floor and picked it up. "Sex in the Shower, Staring Ilike Hawk, and Ruby boobs." She read the title. "Hey I can read!"
Jack was stunned. "Mary had a wild side?"
"Get over it, and smoke some hash with me." She said, as she lighted up some. "Woo! Look at the pretty colors.I see London, I see France, I see your underpants." She twirled around in mid air then collapsed onto the floor. Jack grinned sickly.
The next morning, the two woke up in a tub of honey. The books were stripped off the shelves and thrown into a bonfire. Jack, noticing the damage decided to grab Karen and get the HELL out of there.
When he returned to his farm, he was ready for his last overnight date. He walked up to Popuri and asked, "Ready for our date?"
"I'm always ready!" She smirked while beating Spam.
Popuri's Overnight Date
Jack walked Popuri to the church, and she was not thrilled about this date at all. "I can't go in!" She admitted sadly.
Jack was confused, "What do you mean?"
"If I go in, I will die a most brutal and painful death!" Popuri sobbed, with those red eyes.
"Eh! I want to see that!" Jack blurted out, "I mean, We don't have to go in if you don't want to."
"Do you not get the severity of this?!" Popuri asked him, alarmed.
Jack shrugged. "I don't really care, I'm just horny."
"That's it Jacky! We are GOING TO HELL!" Popuri screeched.
"cool!" Jack nodded, "I've never been there."
Popuri danced around, "Oh you will have so much fun! Yes! Woohoo! Whee! Yay!" With that said, she transported them to HELL.
The first thing Jack noticed was the potato who had wished for stardom. "What is that thing doing here?" he asked, in a whisper-tone to Popuri.
"It molested a grape." Popuri nodded, "So it shall stay here FOREVER!"
Suddenly they were on the set of Paradise Hotel. "Wrong show!" a producer screamed, and they were back in hell, but a Harvest Moon themed hell.
"Jack, I am here because." Popuri paused, "Jack, I am your father."
"You impostor!" Jack accused.
Suddenly, Popuri took off her face and Jack was face to face with his dad. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!"
"I like sex with monkeys!" his dad said in a girlish voice. Then, everything disappeared.
Jack blacked out.
Jack woke up, with Hannah standing beside him on this extremely short episode. "Hello Jack!" She said in an Irish accent. "The girls are waiting inside for your verdict for this weed ceremony."
"What the hell? How did I just.?" Jack was lost.
Hannah whispered something into Jack's ear. "The magic of television. Now, here are the letters each girl wrote!"
Jack accepted the letters and looked over them.
Karen's letter:
hylo jak! Dat was cool yo! we do dat again yo! woho i like partys and styf so ya
Ann's letter:
Hi Jack!
I know the whole cow scene looked weird, but I deny any sexual activities going on with that cow! And I love you! So choose me and you wont regret it.
Popuri's letter:
Two words: No Pussy. Remember the hex, oh Jacky boy.
Jack nodded, and knew what he needed to do. He walked inside and faced the three remaining girls. "This was a very hard decision." He told them. "I wish you all luck with your future, now I'll give out the weeds. My first weed is for."
Karen humped the pillows on Jack's bed, while Ann dreamed about his cows, and Popuri's eyes glowed.
"Popuri!"
Popuri grabbed her rose and smiled evilly. Speaking in a deep voice she said "I will eat your heart!" then, she erupted into laughter. "Just kidding! That is, unless you dump me." She proceeded back to her seat.
Hannah interrupted. "Jack, the next weed will send one girl home. Remember that."
Jack sighed and nodded. "The last weed is for...Karen!"
Karen jumped off the bed and onto Jack, snatching her weed. "God yeah!"
"Ann. I'm sorry you have just been eliminated." Hannah gave her the bad news.
"Whatever, I liked your cow better ANYWAY!" with that said, Ann stormed out the door. "Nothings better than being in good spirits."
Ann got on her house, feeling slightly aroused. "Ooh yeah, see? This horse knows more about girls than Jack does!" with that said, Ann rode off.
Two girls remained.
Next time: The girls reunite for a "Women tell all show", while Jack picks his bride. The girls choose their rings and meet Jack's family, right before he makes his decision. Who will be Jack's bride? Karen, or Popuri?
Hannah: I own nada! O_o
Harvest Moon: The Bachelor
~*~Three Girls all vying for Jack's affection. Only one will be his bride. Karen, Ann, and Popuri ~*~
It was an early morning, and Jack felt great. Waking up, he decided to go check how Ann was doing in his barn. Walking over to his barn, and opening the door, he sure wasn't prepared for what he had seen next. "ANN!?!"
There was Ann, naked, and surrounded by a litter of baby cows, a dildo was stuck into one of the cow's arses, and the others mooed madly. "It's not what it looks like Jack! I didn't just have sex with your cow! Honest!" She laughed, trying not to turn red. "It's just.your cows.are so irresistible! Oh god! Take me!" She jumped on one of his cows, "Yes! Besse, take me!"
Jack was now disturbed beyond levels. He had never been so disgusted. "Have fun." He said blankly as he ran out to throw up. As he did, he noticed Popuri eating the weeds in his yard. "Hey!" He yelled over to her, "I need those for the weed ceremony!"
Popuri glared at Jack and reminded him of the curse, by mouthing the words "No pussy."
Jack got the message and gave up. "Alright, do what you want! I had enough!"
Hannah suddenly appeared on Jack's farm smiling. "Hello Jack. Well as you know, You are going to have three overnight dates before you make your choice."
Jack sighed, "How could I forget?"
Hannah grinned, "So Ann's date will be in the SEXY Harvest cave, Karen's date will be in the library, and Popuri's will be in the church. Have fun!" with that said, Hannah ran off cackling like a hag.
Ann walked out, carrying an infant cow. "Isn't she cute? I named her KiT- Girl!"
"Yeah, so cute." Jack said sarcastically, while rolling his eyes.
"I guess we should get going, huh? I'm so excited about this date!" She cheered.
"Uh-huh, yeah me too, sure." He nodded, not paying attention.
Ann jumped up and down excitedly. "I just have to get my things, and I'll be right back. I'll tell the girls we're leaving too!" Jack nodded, and Ann ran into the barn and returned moments later. "Let's go!" The two were off.
Ann's Overnight Date
Jack and Ann walked into the small cozy harvest cave where they were soon joined by a dozen harvest sprites. "Echmay Potato!" They all cheered.
Jack looked at them strangely, "Yeah, go Yankees!" He looked back at Ann who was petting a squirrel, "I'm just going to forage, I'll be back in a few."
"Alright!" Ann cheered, "Nothings better than being in good spirits!" Ann looked back at the squirrel. "Go now Jack, leave us to our discussion!"
Jack nodded, and left the cave to go forage. He passed the fisherman as he did, and got tapped on his shoulder. "Yes?"
The fisherman looked him straight in the eye, "Do you like fishing?"
Jack nodded, "I love it! Why, do you have a rod for me?"
"Fuck no, loser. I just asked a damn question moocher! Buy your own fucking rod!" The fisherman threw Jack into the water.
Jack used all his strength and finally got himself out of the river. "What the hell!" Jack lamented, "This is no fun!" he stomped his foot, and walked off to see what he could find where the goddess pond was. He noticed a potato shining like gold on the bridge that crossed over the pond. Jack leaped across the grassy fields to get, unfortunately he fell into the pond.
Suddenly, in a burst of blue light the goddess appeared. "An offering? Not many people make offerings, you must be a very spiritual person." She looked around for someone, and noticed a potato on the bridge. "So what is your wish?" She asked the potato. Getting no answer, she grew impatient. "I don't have all day, you know!"
Jack "Potatoes can't talk!" Jack tried to point out, but only swallowed water.
The potato sat there, than said "I wish I was a famous actress!" and BOOM! The potato now had pink sunglasses on with a designer coat. Signs appeared everywhere, promoting the potato. "Now, Brad Pitt will notice me!" The potato hopped around happily.
Jack pulled himself out of the water for the second time on the date. "Not fair!"
The goddess glared at Jack. "Life's not fair, now leave. Loser."
Jack sighed, and made his way back to the cave where Ann now had much more company. "Oh god yes! Mr. Rabbit! Just like that! Oh god! Yes!" Thousands of animals surrounded Ann, for an inter-species orgy!
Jack had enough, he crumpled some sand together to make a pillow for himself, and went to sleep quite early.
The next morning, Jack brought a happy Ann back home. "I hope you had fun." he said sheepishly.
"Oh my! Yes! It was the best date I have ever been on!" Ann jumped for joy.
"That's nice. I'm going to get Karen now, for my second date." He stated as he went inside to find Karen. He found her drinking a bottle of beer, drooling all over his bed. "Karen, get out of bed! It's time for our overnight date."
Karen sighed. "Hooray." She said sarcastically.
The two headed off to the library.
Karen's Overnight Date
Jack opened the library door with his special key and let her in. "Oh god! Books! I hate books! I can't even read! Fuck, why the hell a library?" Karen asked harshly.
"I don't know.You can't read?! Wow! By your superb writing skills I would have guessed you'd be at the top of your class!" Jack said sarcastically.
"What class? I ditched school a loooong time ago." Karen laughed, "School is for losers."
"Right." Jack nodded, looking at Karen strangely.
"Does this place have any booze?" Karen asked, as she searched the little nook.
"Probably not, You know Mary, She wouldn't drink beer if her life depended on it!" Jack laughed.
"Found some!" Karen shouted, as she took out some beer and some Hash (the drug) "Wow! Our little Mary is a smart girl after all."
"Someone must have planted those there!" Jack stuttered. "Mary would never smoke that stuff!"
Karen found a video on the floor and picked it up. "Sex in the Shower, Staring Ilike Hawk, and Ruby boobs." She read the title. "Hey I can read!"
Jack was stunned. "Mary had a wild side?"
"Get over it, and smoke some hash with me." She said, as she lighted up some. "Woo! Look at the pretty colors.I see London, I see France, I see your underpants." She twirled around in mid air then collapsed onto the floor. Jack grinned sickly.
The next morning, the two woke up in a tub of honey. The books were stripped off the shelves and thrown into a bonfire. Jack, noticing the damage decided to grab Karen and get the HELL out of there.
When he returned to his farm, he was ready for his last overnight date. He walked up to Popuri and asked, "Ready for our date?"
"I'm always ready!" She smirked while beating Spam.
Popuri's Overnight Date
Jack walked Popuri to the church, and she was not thrilled about this date at all. "I can't go in!" She admitted sadly.
Jack was confused, "What do you mean?"
"If I go in, I will die a most brutal and painful death!" Popuri sobbed, with those red eyes.
"Eh! I want to see that!" Jack blurted out, "I mean, We don't have to go in if you don't want to."
"Do you not get the severity of this?!" Popuri asked him, alarmed.
Jack shrugged. "I don't really care, I'm just horny."
"That's it Jacky! We are GOING TO HELL!" Popuri screeched.
"cool!" Jack nodded, "I've never been there."
Popuri danced around, "Oh you will have so much fun! Yes! Woohoo! Whee! Yay!" With that said, she transported them to HELL.
The first thing Jack noticed was the potato who had wished for stardom. "What is that thing doing here?" he asked, in a whisper-tone to Popuri.
"It molested a grape." Popuri nodded, "So it shall stay here FOREVER!"
Suddenly they were on the set of Paradise Hotel. "Wrong show!" a producer screamed, and they were back in hell, but a Harvest Moon themed hell.
"Jack, I am here because." Popuri paused, "Jack, I am your father."
"You impostor!" Jack accused.
Suddenly, Popuri took off her face and Jack was face to face with his dad. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!"
"I like sex with monkeys!" his dad said in a girlish voice. Then, everything disappeared.
Jack blacked out.
Jack woke up, with Hannah standing beside him on this extremely short episode. "Hello Jack!" She said in an Irish accent. "The girls are waiting inside for your verdict for this weed ceremony."
"What the hell? How did I just.?" Jack was lost.
Hannah whispered something into Jack's ear. "The magic of television. Now, here are the letters each girl wrote!"
Jack accepted the letters and looked over them.
Karen's letter:
hylo jak! Dat was cool yo! we do dat again yo! woho i like partys and styf so ya
Ann's letter:
Hi Jack!
I know the whole cow scene looked weird, but I deny any sexual activities going on with that cow! And I love you! So choose me and you wont regret it.
Popuri's letter:
Two words: No Pussy. Remember the hex, oh Jacky boy.
Jack nodded, and knew what he needed to do. He walked inside and faced the three remaining girls. "This was a very hard decision." He told them. "I wish you all luck with your future, now I'll give out the weeds. My first weed is for."
Karen humped the pillows on Jack's bed, while Ann dreamed about his cows, and Popuri's eyes glowed.
"Popuri!"
Popuri grabbed her rose and smiled evilly. Speaking in a deep voice she said "I will eat your heart!" then, she erupted into laughter. "Just kidding! That is, unless you dump me." She proceeded back to her seat.
Hannah interrupted. "Jack, the next weed will send one girl home. Remember that."
Jack sighed and nodded. "The last weed is for...Karen!"
Karen jumped off the bed and onto Jack, snatching her weed. "God yeah!"
"Ann. I'm sorry you have just been eliminated." Hannah gave her the bad news.
"Whatever, I liked your cow better ANYWAY!" with that said, Ann stormed out the door. "Nothings better than being in good spirits."
Ann got on her house, feeling slightly aroused. "Ooh yeah, see? This horse knows more about girls than Jack does!" with that said, Ann rode off.
Two girls remained.
Next time: The girls reunite for a "Women tell all show", while Jack picks his bride. The girls choose their rings and meet Jack's family, right before he makes his decision. Who will be Jack's bride? Karen, or Popuri?