Harvest Moon: The Bachelorette

~Two men vying for Aja's heart. Only one will walk down the isle beside her, who will it be? Rick or Cliff? ~

The Bachelorette finale started pretty much the same as the Bachelor finale. The "Men Tell All" segment began as former Bachelorette contestants waved to the camera. Hannah sat on a Pedi stool waving to everyone and smiling at their applause. "Welcome to The Bachelorette Finale! First we will be speaking to the losers! How fun! The losers include: Gray, Kai, Tim, Kappa, Bessie, Lalalapoopoo, Harris and Zack!"

The audience went insane with applause as Hannah looked over to the newly added addition to the loser group. "Gray, how does it feel to be rejected on national television? Does it hurt? Do you want to cry? You can cry if you want to."

Gray sighed, "Not too good..."

Hannah nodded, "And how did you feel when you realized you were a LOSER?"

Gray glared at Hannah darkly, "Well....."

Hannah nodded, "And since you were not good enough for princess Aja, that means you are a complete lowlife and no one else will want to marry you! So marry me!" She jumped up and did a cheer.

Gray folded his arms and stared at her grimly. "No. I'd rather die."

Hannah was about to cry, when she suddenly spotted KiT and Kayla in the audience. "Tie him up girls!" She yelled and the two tackled Gray to the ground, hog-tying him. "Isn't math fun?"

"This has nothing to do with math, whore." KiT informed her friend.

Hannah stared blankly, "Yeah I understand. Anyway, I'll moles-I mean, talk to Gray after the show. Now from a pimp's perspective, am I hot?"

Kai wore a pimp hat and jacket. He had a pipe which he blew bubbles out of. "Honey, any whore can be hot! It takes a real woman to take action, damn it! So get down on all fours and scrub the dirty floor, biatch!"

"That's icky; I would never scrub the floor." Hannah shook her head.

"I'll give you a quarter if you do." Kai offered, as he grinned smugly. Hannah jumped at this.

"Oh okay!" and so, Hannah scrubbed the floor disregarding her previous quote.

KiT rolled her eyes, "I'll continue this, so Tim, you're a cross dresser. Do any impersonations?"

Tim giggled, "Why yes! I make a great Tina Turner!"

KiT smiled, "Why don't you show us?"

Tim's smile suddenly vanished, "Well I left my strap-on at home, and anyway it costs money. Something none of you have."

KiT made a fist, "Why I ought to!"

"KiT! Calm down!" Kayla squealed, "So Kappa, once you left the show you returned to your pond. I have to questions: One, How do you live in a pond and two, Meet anyone special lately?"

Kappa thought for a moment before responding. "One, I am magical and can do anything without scientific reason, and two, I am pregnant with the Goddess' baby."

"Oh!" Kayla smiled with delight, "That sounds special!"

Hannah shoved her two friends out of the way, "Okay I'm back! Now who else to ask? Zack! Why did you go on the show? Aren't you double Aja's age?"

Zack sighed and cowered. "Yes. Zack be old, Zack be quick, Zack jump over the candlestick."

Hannah looked at him strangely but simply shrugged, she turned her attention to Harris. "You have a big nose."

"Hey! That wasn't even a question!" Harris stood in protest.

Hannah smiled, "And that's not a nose, that's... hell, I don't know! Anyway has anyone learned any life lessons on this show?"

Kai raised his hand, "Once a ho, always a ho. A ho will scrub the floor for a quarter, I told you so!"

Lalalapoopoo raised his hand, "Otter-Pay Harry, say Ello-hay! Echmay Potato! Mating."

Hannah froze, "YES! EXACTLY!"

No one knew what was going on but they didn't care, so they just applauded. "So, who does everyone think Aja will choose?"

All at once, everyone screamed "NO ONE! SHE WILL BE A LESBIAN IN A BIZZARE TWIST!"

Hannah grinned, "But we had that twist last time!"

Once again, in unison the crowd screamed "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET US WATCH THE FINALE!"

Hannah laughed embarrassed. "Alright then!"

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When Aja woke up, she spotted Hannah sitting beside the bed, drawing on her sketchpad. "Hello Chosen One. Good Morning Sunshine, The earth says hello."

Aja looked up at Hannah oddly, and then responded with a grunt. "What do you want?"

"Cliff is on his way over; he will be meeting your parents! Then the two of you can go off and have a decent date. Later tonight Rick will come over to meet your parents, and the two of you will proceed to your date! Ready? Good! Bye!" With that said, Hannah ran out in a hurry.

Aja got ready and unlocked the closet where she was keeping her parents. They tumbled out painfully. "Cliff is coming over, don't be stupid!" She said in a harsh tone, suddenly Cliff knocked on the door. "That's him! I mean it, don't be stupid or I will kill you and make it look like an accident." Manna and Duke looked at each other in disbelief as their sweet charming daughter let the homeless guy inside. "Hey Cliff! These are my folks!"

Cliff nodded, "Yeah I know them." He took out a bag full of white powder and handed it to Duke. "It's what you ordered." Duke took the bag and smiled. Aja stared in disbelief.

"Cliff is backing home! Oh my goddess! I love you like a son!" Manna screeched as she hugged her impostor-son. "If Aja wasn't interested in you, I would so sleep with you, oh my goddess! Everyone will be so jealous!"

"MOM!" Aja glared at her mother.

"I always wanted a son," Duke began, "But I got some skank instead."

"DAD!" Aja's glare directed towards her father now.

Manna sighed, "Aja, just because your father and I like Cliff better than you does not mean you aren't our daughter. We are forced to love you with the bond we share."

Aja buried her face in her hands, "Did you know that Cliff FUCKS TREES?"

Manna smiled, "You don't say! I would love to try that sometime, oh my goddess!"

Aja just shook her head, "I give up."

Later, Aja and Cliff sat on the sandy beach staring out into the ocean. Aja had something she needed to ask Cliff, "Cliff do you really like me?"

Cliff smiled warmly, "Of course! I love you like I love trees! Well, I like trees more, but you get the point." Aja was satisfied with this answer and hugged him tightly.

Rick arrived at the winery later that day, Duke opened the door. "Hi is Aja home?"

"Who ARE you?! DORK! We don't want you in our house! Our daughter is our prized possession and we will only give her to Cliff-I mean, a good young man! Not you!"

Aja pushed her father out of the way, "Hi Rick!"

Rick gave Aja some chicken feed, "I thought it was the right thing to do, it's quite delicious. After I hump my chickens I love to eat loads of this stuff."

Manna walked in, disturbed. "You screw your chickens? You are a freak!"

Aja glared at her mother, "Yet you were opened to the idea of fucking trees."

Manna shook her head, "That was different! I like Cliff!"

Duke nodded at this comment, "And we hate Rick! Be gone!"

Rick's patience was wasting and he could take it no more. "I HATE YOU ALL! I am going home where I will FUCK all of my chickens! Then I will go propose to Karen! Good day!" Rick marched out, and Aja ran after him.

"Rick wait up!" Aja called after him, crying. "I know my parents are freaks but if we get married we will move away anyway! So please, don't run away on account of my parents! So what if they hate you? They are only my parents by blood."

Rick sighed, "Aja you are ruining my life...but I love you."

Aja ran to him and the two hugged at once. "Let us go back to my place and have an orgy with out chickens! Mom said we could!" and so, the two headed off.

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Aja was conflicted with her decision, she had to make up her mind quick. Cliff or Rick? She stood on the steps of the winery, waiting for her two suitors. "It is now time to choose, Both gentlemen will come here, not knowing who came first. One will be chosen and continue this journey of love as your fiancé, while the other will be eliminated. Let us start the process."

Cliff walked down the lonesome path to the winery. He smiled and walked up the steps to meet with Aja. "Hey! No pressure Aja, but if you don't pick me your parents will kill you. They ordered many drugs through me, and if you aren't mine tonight I won't deliver." He took out some powder and sniffed it, "So tell me your decision. The trees are watching."

Aja sighed, "Cliff, I like you a lot and my parents seem to love you." Aja took a big gulp. "Which is why I am going to have to say goodbye. You're an unemployed homeless loser with a drug addiction and a strange attraction to trees. I'm sorry I don't want to be with you."

Cliff was blown away, "That's your loss. Just because you're a rebellious drunken whore like Karen doesn't mean you can come along and waste other people's time! You Non-tree-fuckers are all the same! Yeah I'm homeless and now I am going HOME to my homelessness home. Good day!" He turned around and walked off. He had fed his donkey some marijuana earlier so his donkey was in no condition to carry Cliff home, which was pretty much anywhere.

Aja waited patiently, knowing KiT, Manna and Duke all would love to kill her right about now. Rick walked up to her. "Rick, I love you, My parents hate you, Let's mate!" and so, the two ran inside. It was obvious Aja had made her decision.

Hannah stood outside facing the camera. "Aja and Rick, will it last? Will KiT kill them? And what will happen NEXT SEASON on the Bachelor?!"