Harvest Moon: The Bachelor
Three Girls, vying for Kurt's affection. Katie, Dia and Celia
Kurt and Celia were in the middle of their date when Celia mentioned something that stuck out like a sore thumb. "You know Kurt, I love you so much. You accept me for who I am with my faults. You know I killed my ex boyfriend, and you're fine with that. You know I murdered Vesta, and that's all right. Yesterday, while I was eating her fingernails in the bathtub I came to the realization that I might want to kill you some day. It pains me to think that I would have to plan your murder ahead of time, but at the same time... if we marry, I can finally call myself a black widow and take everything in your will. Cool, huh? Anyway, I've been thinking about getting you a gift, but I figured after I killed my only relatives, I should be the one getting gifts. Somehow, I'm grieving." She paused for a moment as a single tear rolled down her cheek. "I'm not crazy... They'll never take me back..."
Kurt looked at her dazed. "You're not crazy? Then, why did I pick you? Seriously, I'm having doubts now."
Celia smiled psychotically. "Don't have those... I love you... actually I don't but it would be neat if I did because then if you rejected me I could come to your house with a hoe and cut off your penis. Speaking of which, I think Nami had one of those. Maybe she didn't, I could be mistaken. It was like a worm, it crawled into my suitcase. It was really weird but in a good way. Not like the way Vesta would dance, that was just messed up. You know?"
"Uh... sure."
Suddenly, the birds chirped madly. "This is not meant to be." Celia said abruptly. Kurt's expression hardened and he was clueless. "I'm sorry Kurt. You may have been my future Bonnie, as in Bonnie and Clyde. Maybe even my moth baby that I'd eat. But the birds don't like you... and as someone who is very in touch with nature, they are telling me leave now."
Kurt sighed. "You cannot honestly feel that way..."
Celia nodded. "I can. The birds. They speak to me. They told me to kill everyone, and now they are telling me to leave you. We had a wonderful connection and I could have murdered you someday... but I doubt that day will come. You are not special enough. The birds are angry, and when the birds are angry... I suffer. They are my only real friends. They kept secrets about how I used to dig up graves... oh crap, now you know. I guess I'll have to kill you anyway, consider yourself lucky." The birds flew around her, and she posed as a scarecrow. "They love me, they really do... I think they do. Don't they? Maybe they don't. I don't know, I'm conflicted. Fuck that, I'll get back to you on that one."
Kurt nodded. "I'll see you at the final weed ceremony."
Celia began to dance across the acres. "Look for the answers. The birds will have them." Her dance was some freaky interpretive dance, but it sent it's message. Despite what she said, Celia was a nutcase.
Kurt spent his date with Katie walking around the park. He wanted to get feelings off of his chest before the weed ceremony. "Katie, I really like you but... I just think you're too young for me."
And with that, Katie began to blubber like an infant. "That's not true! I'm a grown up! I can do grown up things! I once had sex with a homeless man! He paid me in twenties!" Kurt didn't understand the term 'twenties' as their only source of currency was gold. "Kurt, I am told that I'm really mature for my age... I mean, look at us right here. We connect. It's magical. I feel like a princess... like angel princess Barbie, even. It truly is a dream."
Kurt sighed. "But... is there more to you than just the little girl? I feel like such a pedophile..."
Katie hissed at him. "I don't care what you think!" She chased him around the park immaturely, threatening to hit him. "You know what? I am very mature. I am like... more mature than you are, so there! What do you want? An old woman who's turning thirty? That's so last year, and totally just wrong." Kurt eyed her for a second. "I want you to hump me. Please?"
Kurt looked at her awkwardly. "Katie, I'll probably be arrested because you're jailbait."
Katie began to cry again, then turned her expression into a flirty pout. "Fine. Spank me. I've been a naughty girl."
Kurt sighed sheepishly. "That's all right, I'll pass."
"Pass the salt shaker!" She groped him, and he pushed her away. "You don't want some sugar, baby?"
Kurt shook his head. "It just feels wrong. I'd want to sugar if it was older maybe?"
Katie nodded. "Consider me expired then. Now, I can lift my legs over my head." She giggled. "I knew that would come in handy when we... you know. When you put your thingy in mine. Can my furbies watch?"
Kurt blinked. "I... uh... I have to go." Kurt spent his final date at a fancy restaurant. The two were waiting for their food...
Dia groaned in disapproval as she spotted her suitor. "Ugh, you didn't even wear a tie, you stupid lout. I despise you. You disgust me and when I am in your presence I want to vomit. That is not nice, I will sentence you to death if I actually do vomit so... watch yourself."
Kurt sighed. "I'm sorry?"
Dia rolled her eyes. "What a pathetic apology. You puny poor worthless human. What are you worth? A million dollars? Ha! Pocket change!" She snapped her fingers and two servants arrived by her side. "I need some food now. Find out what is taking them so long. If the food is not prepared, be sure to cut off their heads."
Kurt gulped as her servants ran into the back. "That was... nice."
Dia glared at him. "Oh, you're still here are you? Yes well... you are ugly. Ugliness is bad for me, you see. It burns my eyes and burning eyes are not so pleasurable. So, wear this." Dia stuck a lampshade on Kurt's head. "Yes, much better. So delightful. I bought this in Tokyo. The woman who sold it was such a hag, she claimed it was too precious to her to sell because the maker was her father and he died or something... what a fool." Dia laughed. "Naturally I got my bodyguards to cripple her."
Kurt gulped once again, beneath the lampshade he was actually crying. "Right... naturally."
Dia glared at random people in the restaurant. "They are making me feel uncomfortable. Get rid of them. NOW." Soon, everyone was carried off and only Dia and Kurt remained in the restaurant. "Do you think I'm beautiful and gorgeous and simply stunning?"
Kurt shrugged. "Sure." He couldn't even see her.
"Go on. Explain how I'm beautiful and don't be cheap with your grace or else you will suffer the same fate as our dear friend Martha..." Dia cackled.
Kurt bit his lip. "You're kind. You're... wonderful. You should be one of the world wonders."
Dia nodded. "You're absolutely correct." Dia flipped open her cell phone. "I should be a world wonder, make me one NOW."
Kurt struggled to be strong. This would be a long date.
Dia, Celia and Katie sat around a large table. "We're the final three." Celia announced. "If one of you dies mysteriously, just know that... I didn't do it." She shifted her glance off to the side. "The pigeons have not expressed themselves on you two yet, but may the best woman win. Of course, if one of you win the woman will be a corpse." She laughed as if it were a funny joke.
Dia glared at the brunette. "You are not funny. I do not like bad-funny. Now, I am bored and I need entertainment and I'm not entertained in five seconds, there will be hell to pay. Five-Four-Three-Two--"
"I think my cartoons are on, excuse me." Katie left the table politely and ran into the other room. Dia fumed, and Celia simply looked around the room strangely.
"The pigeons told me that you are a ruthless woman." Celia noted, referring to Dia.
Dia smiled. "Well, the pigeons are envious little ingrates now aren't they?"
Celia shook her head. "No. They are what they are." And with that said, their little meeting was adjourned.
Kurt arrived to the weed ceremony. Strangely, the host Hannah was nowhere in sight. It was said that she had a horrible past with birds and she just so happened to talk to Celia that very morning...
"Welcome to the weed ceremony!" One of the producers placed a cardboard cut out of the host onto the set, and another mimicked her voice. Unfortunately, the person mimicking her voice was a man with a very thick Russian accent. "Now, here are the letters." The staff tilted the cardboard picture to set the illusion that Hannah was giving Kurt the letters. Kurt read them quietly...
Celia's letter:
Hi Kurt.
I have heard from the greater birds that you are all right for now.
You may just be in a casket sooner than you think.
I love you... or do I? I really don't know.
Do I know? Maybe, what am I talking about?
Love (never!)
Celia. (That's my name, don't wear it out.)
Katie's letter:
Kurt!
I am so much older and mature than you think!
Kthxbye.
Dia's letter:
Kurtis.
I will not even waste my time with this you pathetic lump of coal.
Choose me or suffer a cruel fate.
Your queen,
Dia.
Once he was done, he handed them to someone from the staff. The ceremony had begun. Cheap soft core porno music played in the background as he picked up the first weed.
"Queen Dia."
Dia snapped her fingers and the weed was collected by one of her servants. The other two waited nervously for the results. Celia was rolling around, chirping while Katie cried intensely.
Kurt picked up the second weed.
"Celia."
Celia grabbed her weed, and nodded. "Yes. You are in the cards after all..."
Katie sat alone, she was the odd girl out this time.
"Katie. You are just too young for me."
Katie tried to hold back more tears but to no avail. She got up. "You're no Ken! You're more like... baby sister Kelly, or Skipper. She's the ugly one. Yeah, you're her!" With that said, Katie walked out.
Katie got atop her donkey. "Goodbye. I'll see you when I'm twenty and I'm old!"
Katie rode off.
Two ladies remained.