Harvest Moon: The Bachelor

Two Girls, vying for Kurt's affection. One will be left broken hearted and the other will be his bride. Dia or Celia?

The show started like the finales of past seasons had. The "Women tell all" special. Of course, a new host was the obvious difference this season. Former bachelor Jack sat in a big red chair with his Latin lover Jeff. The two snuggled together as Jack started his hosting duties. "Hello everyone! Welcome to Harvest moon: The bachelor! It's finale night. A night I know all too well. As usual we will hear from the eliminated ladies before starting the finale. We'll hear their take on things. Unfortunately, the usual host Hannah is not here. She's dead." Getting a signal from the producer, Jack realized he had said too much. "Dead stuck, that is! She's in the middle of traffic and won't be able to be here this evening." Awkward laughter followed. "Now without further ado, let's bring out the ladies of this season!"

The six ladies walked out on stage. "They are: Muffy, Nami, Gina, Lyla, Gwen, and Katie!" The audience cheered. When the ladies took their seats, Jack started the questioning. "Katie, you were the last girl to be eliminated. How are you feeling?"

Katie smiled, twirling a strand of hair. "I feel great! Why wouldn't I?"

Jack hesitated. "Well you were dumped on national television. Were you hurt when he rejected you?"

Looking around confused, she remained smiling. "No. I had a fun time, and the only reason why I even got on the show is because I wanted to be on television and last week when I watched the show, there I was! So it was a lot of fun."

Jack sighed. He wanted to pry deeper. "How did you feel before the shopping spree? Were you upset?"

Katie shrugged. "I don't know."

Jack stared at her blankly. "Okay, we're not going anywhere with this are we?"

Suddenly the lights went out, and a scream was heard. When the lights were back on, Katie was lying on the floor lifeless.

A young woman raised her arm from the audience. "It was Jack, on the stage, with a magic stick!"

Jack's eyes bulged. "This is not a game! She's really dead! Somebody should help her..."

The woman looked confused. "So this is not a murder mystery?"

Crickets chirped and a tumble weed passed.

"It IS a murder mystery!" The producer said, smiling awkwardly. Two men came in and dragged out the body. "This is just a prank we played. Heh... She really is safe."

Jack looked frantic. "Where is she? I swear that was her. She was murdered!"

The producer glared at Jack. "Indeed, whoever sold her that sweater surely murdered her reputation."

Jack shook his head crying. "No, she died!"

The producer nodded. "Yes, she dyed her hair. How observant. Now let's continue with the interviews."

Traumatized, Jack ran off stage screaming.

The producer shrugged and took Jack's seat. "I guess I'll be taking over this job until he gets back. He had to go to the bathroom, that's why he was screaming..." He shuffled his glance from side to side, then continued the interviews. "Gwen, while you were on the show people compared you to Ann, now known as the animal rapist of Flowerbud. What do you think of these comparisons?"

Gwen beamed. "Oh wow, what a compliment. Well, when I hear people comparing me to her I'm quite flattered. I'm actually planning to open an animal rescue center and I'd love it if she'd come and visit sometime."

"Sounds delightful." The producer looked at the giant cue card with his next question. It was quite obvious he was reading, as his voice was monotone. "Now... is that an r? Okay. Uh... Gwen, you made the final four. How did you feel when you were rejected?"

Gwen sighed. "I was disappointed but I've learned to cope with it. He's a loser anyway."

The next question was directed to Lyla. "You have a very lovely singing voice, and a real knack for writing songs. Are you planning to get into the music industry?"

Lyla looked surprised by his question. "Yes, I am. Right now I'm a florist but they say it's a great stepping stone for getting into the music industry. Florists are hot."

"Can you give us a treat, right now?"

Lyla giggled. "Well okay." She stood and the lights dimmed. "I am beautiful! I am free! I can see! I'm a flower! I take showers! Oh look, a bird! You are a turd! What a nerd! Word!"

The audience applauded politely.

Suddenly, Lyla ripped off her long gown and revealed a glittery red bodysuit. The lights flickered and she danced wildly. "And they say! Hey! Isn't it May? Yay! I know a guy named Gray! Down by the bay! I am free!"

Lyla was escorted off stage. Silence filled the studio. "Okay, well... Nami. We haven't seen you since the very first episode. What are you up to now?"

Nami glared at him. "You're weird."

Coughing was heard from the audience.

"Where did the girl go? I liked her better." Nami groaned. "You're just... weird."

More coughing was heard.

Muffy smirked. "Don't worry Mister host-man, I like you better." She giggled and winked flirtatiously at him. "Room 111 at the Inn, don't forget."

Cough. Cough. Cough.

"Oh my goodness, will you people just SHUT THE FUCK UP." The producer lashed out. "Err... I mean, it's time for predictions! Who will Kurt choose? Katie, who do you think he will choose?" Realizing he had just asked a lifeless corpse, he continued. "Okay, thank you. Lyla, who do you think he'll choose?" Remembering Lyla was escorted off stage, he mentally kicked himself. Two strikes. "Gwen?"

"I think he'll choose Romana's cat."

"Okay then. Nami? Muffy? Gina? Predictions?"

Nami crossed her arms. "I still think you're weird."

Muffy giggled. "I don't really care who he chooses, but won't you choose room 111?"

Gina sobbed. "This is the first line I received in this entire finale, and it will be my last! Oh cruel fate of mine..."

The producer nodded. "Okay then, thank you ladies for absolutely nothing. Now, let's get on with the show!"

Finale.

Celia.

Kurt escorted Celia off the boat as they reached their destination: Flower Bud Village. Walking along the docks, Kurt noted how small and quaint the beach was. Completely deserted from any form of life. "I guess We'll be spending the day here. What do you want to do first?"

Celia looked around, a delirious look in her eye. "I think we should find a virgin to sacrifice and bathe in her blood."

Kurt was stunned. "Uh... We could do that but let's go for a walk around town first. What do you say?"

Celia smiled. "Okay! Sounds like fun! Well, no it actually doesn't. I hate it here already. Do you like seeing me upset? I'm not even all that upset. Well... maybe I am. I don't quite know yet, ask me again in an hour." She stared blankly at the water. Kurt stood beside her awkwardly scratching the back of his head. "Well, aren't we going to find a virgin?"

The two walked up the trail from the beach and immediately noticed a ranch. A young redheaded girl was feeding animals. Celia's eyes widened. "Her. She's a virgin. I want her."

Kurt looked at her strangely. "How can you tell?"

Celia inhaled the cold air. "I can smell it. Now, take her."

"Take her?"

Celia was growing impatient. "We don't have all day. Well, we actually do. But I don't feel like waiting. You know what happens when I have to wait?" Her tone was threatening and sent him running into the fields to speak with the redheaded girl. Celia wore her sick smile. When Kurt returned, he shrugged. "Well?"

Kurt sighed. "She wasn't interested."

Celia's face twisted. "That cannot be. She's just afraid. I can smell her fear."

Kurt shrugged. "I think she used the miracle cow potion on herself."

Celia's face saddened. "Oh. I see. That must be it. Well, we must find a virgin before night falls."

Next, they noticed a nerdy looking librarian. She made her way down the trail to the beach. She looked uptight. Kurt also noticed she looked rather shy. "What about her?"

Celia shook her head. "No. She's no virgin. That's a whore if I ever saw one."

A drunk brunette singing gibberish was their next find. She had blonde highlights that she insisted were real, despite how odd it seemed. She was barely dressed in her lingerie when they noticed her screeching. Her brown hair was messy, and her eyes glazed. Kurt dismissed the girl. "She looks like a hooker."

"No. She's a virgin." Celia noted. "She's the one I want."

Kurt approached the girl. "Hi there."

"Don't talk to me so much!" She snapped at him.

Kurt backed away slowly. "I don't think she really wants to join us."

Celia grinned. "Hello Karen."

The girl shrieked in horror. "How did you know my name?"

Celia's face dimmed. "I'm not a stalker per se. More like an observer."

Karen looked relieved, obviously satisfied from the half assed answer. "Oh. Okay!"

Celia nodded. "We were wondering if you'd like to join us. Would it be much trouble if I were to murder you and bathe in your blood?"

Karen looked at Celia cautiously. "Well, no. But..."

"But?"

Karen sighed. "I'd like to have a drink before. You know, it being my last day alive and all."

Celia nodded. "I suppose I understand."

After Karen had her final beer, the trio retreated back to the beach to perform the ceremony.

Celia closed her eyes and raised her arms in the air. "Pigeons, can you hear me?" Just then, a swarm of pigeons covered the woman from head to toe. The two bystanders watched on mesmerised. "The pigeons have spoken, and they have told me... that on a Sunday, filled with winter's grace and yellow frost... the blood of a maiden will fall upon this beach." Celia's eyes fluttered open. "Virgin. We can not do this ritual tonight for it is not Winter. But I will be back. If Kurt chooses me, We will get married and I will murder him. Then I will return in winter, until then dear maiden. Goodbye."

Celia snatched Kurt's hand. "Ouch, easy on the grip there..."

"Silence fool. It is time for us to depart this world now." Celia beamed. Kurt stood beside her afraid of what was to come...

Dia.

Dia was disgusted when they reached their destination: Mineral Town. Kurt guided her off the boat and onto the docks. He noticed that the beach here was much larger and busier. "Well, here we are!"

Dia groaned. "This is horrid."

Greg the fisherman greeted them as they stepped onto the sandy beach. "Well aren't you a ray of sunshine?" Dia growled. "Do you not recognize me? I'm Greg. I was on Mineral Idol. I made the top one hundred. You are speaking to a celebrity."

Dia suddenly looked pleased. "A celebrity? How wonderful."

Kurt squinted, trying to remember Greg. "I'm sorry. I don't remember you at all. I have cable, and I watched that show religiously. You weren't on it. You were not on a single episode. If I'm not mistaken, they have a website for it we can search for you on..."

Greg huffed. "Are you calling me an impostor? I am so insulted! Would you like to buy this fishing rod?"

Kurt shook his head. "I am calling you an impostor! And anyway, there was no top one hundred. There are only like twenty people in Mineral Town." Pausing for a moment, he continued. "And yes, I would love to buy that fishing rod."

Dia's face stiffened. "You mean he lied about being famous?" Dia's eyes burned with fury. "You will pay the ultimate price with your life. Guards, kill him now!" Two men stormed into the scene and took him away. Dia smiled cruelly. "I cannot stand liars. Especially if they are poor. Now, let me burn his picture." She grabbed a portrait of Greg that she had purchased on ebay. She didn't know how she knew she would eventually need it, but was grateful she did. Lighting a match, she set it on fire.

Kurt stared blankly. "Don't you think this is unnecessary?"

Dia hissed. "I hate impostors!" With that, she gathered his birth certificate and other forms of personal identification and put it into a pile. Then she threw his fishing rod on top of it. "I am enjoying this." She lit yet another match, and burned the pile of things. Greg was gone, as was any proof he even existed.

Kurt cried hysterically. "I don't mind you getting him killed but did you have to burn the fishing rod too?"

Dia clenched her fists. "Shut up peasant. I've had enough of this garbage town. Get me out of here!"

Kurt scurried back into the boat as Dia looked around one last time. "Good riddance, Now... raid this village!"

Weed Ceremony

In a confessional, Dia revealed what was on her mind. "I'm not nervous at all. If he doesn't pick me, I'll send someone to kill him... and burn his portrait. Perhaps if there's time, I can find one on ebay..."

Celia's thoughts were much different. "I'm anxious to get tonight over with. I look forward to sitting in the moonlight with a pigeon on my shoulder while eating Kurt's eyelids. Ah, paradise."

The scene was poorly decorated once again. This time, instead of raping the Halloween décor, the producers used old Christmas lights and a tree that shed a trail of leaves through town. Also, a giant life sized Santa that was said to be an actual person.

Kurt stood at his post under the mistletoe, waiting for the ladies to arrive. He was nervous, but excited at the same time.

The first donkey appeared in the distance. It was time.

Dia got off her donkey. She wore a smug expression on her face. "I hope you bought me a beautiful ring. Nothing cheap or fake goes on these fingers."

Kurt smiled nervously. "Hello Dia."

Dia glared at him. "What did you call me?"

"I mean Queen Dia of all that is b-beautiful." Kurt stuttered.

Dia was satisfied with this. "That's much better."

Kurt sighed. "You're rich, you're beautiful, you'll likely have me killed if I don't choose you but..." Dia's eyes watched him intensely. "You're a bitch."

Everything went black.

Celia got off her donkey gracefully. She took her place beside him, her eyes wide and shifting from side to side. "Hello precious one."

"Hi Celia." Kurt took a deep breath. "You know I adore you, and any day of the week I'd love to help you murder someone and eat their toenails with you but..."

"But?"

"I hate pigeons."

An audible gasp was heard.

The scene went dark and everything turned black.

Kurt had made his decision, it wasn't an easy one either. "I'm sorry, but I don't think this will work out. I'm eliminating you."

Dia was angrier than ever. "You're eliminating me? You're eliminating me?!" She stomped her foot. "I will not accept that! Do you know who I am? You'll be sorry..." She took out a photograph of Kurt. "I'm going to burn this, and you know what? I'll enjoy it. You're ugly, you're poor and you do not photograph well. Good riddance! Guards, you know what to do..." Dia turned around and smiled to the cameras. "You see that? He didn't choose the beautiful smart rich one. That is what crack does to you." Muttering curses under her breathe, she held her smile and walked off. Kurt's screams were heard, then some negotiating from the producers.

"If you kill him once the show is finished filming, we'll even help."

"Deal."

The scene went back to the one between him and Celia.

Celia sobbed lightly. "You should have told me, but I forgive you. You won't be with the pigeons much where you're headed anyway."

Kurt hugged her. "Celia. I choose you."

Celia nodded. "Good. Now Let's go. Our virgin is waiting." The two walked off together, arm in arm.

The Bachelor had ended.

Kurt and Celia were now a couple.

Dia was still a raving spoiled bitch from satan.

And, the others are currently residing at a mental institution.

With the exceptions of Hannah and Katie, who were killed during the show's process. But we are proud to say no pigeons were hurt during the making of this show.

THE END.