Layer 5: Family Stew

Everyone had barely been settled -- Shrek at the end of the table
opposite Groyl, Fiona on the opposite side across from Moyre and
beside Donkey -- and the ogres had just started tasting their stew
when Donkey decided this was the time to continue his narration.

"So anyways," Donkey said, "she started goin' on about how she needed
to reach Duloc and kiss Farquaad an' break the spell. Then -I- came
up with the suggestion that her and Shrek had a lot in common an'
maybe she should consider him. Then she goes, 'Shrek?' like she
thought it was a really weird idea."

Fiona -- unnoticed by Donkey -- blushed and glanced over at Shrek.
He was already looking at her, and when their eyes made contact he
smiled a rueful smile. She smiled shyly back, cast her eyes down to
her stew and blushed even more deeply.

Donkey continued, "But then she says that she can't just marry
anybody she wants. She goes on and says about herself, 'who could
love a beast so hideous and ugly' and how 'princess and ugly don't go
together' and how she's gotta kiss Farquaad to break the spell, on
account'a him being her True Love."

"And shortly after that," Fiona added softly, still staring down at
her stew, "you promised never to tell."

"That's right!" Donkey said, closing his eyes and nodding his head
proudly. Then he suddenly realized fully what Fiona had said. "OH!"
the excitable animal stammered. "I thought -- I mean, after the
wedding and all -- hey, isn't there a statue of limitations or
somethin' --"

"Never mind, Donkey, it's okay," Fiona said. A smile wistfully
played on her lips, but it was brief, for as she toyed about her bowl
with her spoon she could feel Moyre's stare burning into her.

"So," Moyre said, "it didn't even occur to ye that your big ogre
escort could be your True Love even after a day spent -- how was that
way ye put it, Donkey?"

"Diggin' on each other," Donkey replied. "Practically all day long.
Man, you shoulda seen 'em. 'Specially after she let out this great
big belch an' --"

"Yes, Donkey, we heard ye when ye told us about it earlier," Moyre
said, her tone reflecting more that a little of the irritation that
the talkative equine often prompted in her son. Moyre stared at
Fiona, who was still looking despondently down at her stew and poking
at it. "WELL, dear?" Moyre goaded.

"Leave her alone, Mom," Shrek said, his tone low but firm.

Moyre looked over at her son with a bit of a surprised expression.
"I was just asking Fiona a simple qu--"

"Fiona doesn't need t'answer to ANYONE," Shrek growled, staring down
his mother so intensely that he didn't notice when Fiona lifted her
eyes and looked over at him, her initial expression of surprise
quickly changing to one of heartfelt gratitude.

"Well!" Moyre said, somewhat indignantly. "I woulda thought Fiona at
least capable of answering for hersel--"

"MOYRE!" Groyl joined in. "Please! We've made great progress here
t'day. It's a very special day, the Day of Reconciliation. Don't go
fouling things up now. Fiona's had a past like we couldn't BEGIN to
fathom ourselves. She -- she and Shrek, BOTH -- have struggled
through a LOT -- both physically and otherwise -- t'get to where they
are now. We cut Shrek loose to make a life of his own. He's
accomplished that. NOW our job is t'accept and respect the decisions
he's made and the life he's created. And I, for one, think he's done
a FINE job ... ESPECIALLY in his choice of a lifemate."

Fiona looked over at Groyl and offered him a grateful smile. "Thank
you," she said.

"My pleasure, dear," he said, smiling back.

Moyre gave a little "Humph" and then returned to her own bowl,
mumbling under her breath, "Well! Seems like SOMEBODY can STILL get
their head turned by a pretty face even after all these years." She
then shoveled a spoonful of stew into her mouth.

"Do you really think that, Moyre?" Fiona asked.

Moyre looked up from her bowl, seemingly surprised that Fiona would
address her. A stray gray tentacle from the stew was trailing from
between Moyre's lips; she sucked it in like a strand of spaghetti and
then asked, "Really think WHAT, Fiona?"

"That I'm pretty," Fiona replied simply.

"Of COURSE you're pretty," Moyre said. "Physically, you're stunning.
Didn't ye KNOW that? Of course, what OGRES regard as physical
beauty's radically different from what HUMANS think of as --"

"But that's just IT, Moyre!" Fiona said. "When I asked Donkey 'who
could love a beast so hideous and ugly' -- I was afraid that was how
SHREK would think of me if he saw me ... like I am now ... as much as
how anybody else would."

"WHAT?!" Moyre responded incredulously. "Fiona, that makes no sense.
Shrek was an ogre --"

"And I was RAISED as a human. Moyre, do you know how many stories
have been written by humans about monstrous beasts who are enamored --
not by their own kind -- but by fair-haired HUMAN beauties?"

Moyre looked at Fiona, jaw agape. "Are humans really THAT
egocentric?" she asked.

"Many can be," Fiona replied. "In my case, I was conditioned to
regard my ogress self as a hideous, loathsome aberration, something
no man could possibly even consider falling in love with and
marrying. For love -- for True Love -- I would have to be rescued by
my Prince Charming, whose kiss would break the spell and 'restore' me
to full humanity. So I accepted my confinement in the tower, looking
forward to the day of my rescuer's arrival. But as the years passed
and would-be rescuers came and ... uh, went ... well, I guess I
became a little more cynical, and I was willing to lower my
expectations somewhat --"

"But not to 'lower' them enough," Moyre interrupted in a disapproving
tone, "that when that day finally came and ye were rescued by -- as
Donkey said ye put it, 'an ogre and his pet' -- who put their lives
on the line t'save ye, that ye could do anything but reject him --
practically spit in his face after what he did for ye."

Fiona blushed in embarrassment. She paused for a moment, and was
about to reply when Shrek spoke up.

"Oh, c'mon, Mom!" he said. "With her upbringing, how was she
SUPPOSED to react when she saw that her precious 'rescuer' turned
out t'be, of all things, an OGRE? B'sides, I didn't risk my life
t'save HER, I did it t'get my swamp back. She was just a means
t'that end. And like I told her right then, I WASN'T the one meant
t'be her hubby, I was just working for Farquaad and that HE was the
one who wanted t'marry her."

"Yes, ye gave her a nice, convenient 'out', didn't ye,? Moyre asked
her son.

Shrek was about to reply when Fiona interjected, "Yes, he did. But
when I spoke of 'lowering' my expectations, Moyre, I was referring to
lowering them to accept Farquaad, who I thought could break the
spell, not your son. Your son was --" she looked over at Shrek and
smiled -- "well beyond ANY 'expectations' I might have held." Fiona
sighed and looked back down at her bowl. "We were ALL just using
each other at that point as a means towards our own ends. Farquaad
was using Shrek, Shrek was using me, Farquaad was using me, and I was
using Farquaad. It was amazing that True Love could grow out of a
field sown with such selfish motivations. And yet --" a romantic
gleam played in her eyes -- "and yet somehow it did."

"I'LL say it did!" Donkey said. "Like a BEANSTALK!"

Fiona smiled again, still staring down at her bowl, and then took a
chunky spoonful of her stew. Among the morsels of meat and
vegetables that played across her tongue Fiona felt a particularly
gelatinous orb. She popped it between her teeth and was enjoying the
sensation as its liquidly contents oozed down her gullet when Groyl
spoke.

"Why did that happen, Fiona?" her father-in-law asked. "Why did ye
change so from the first day -- the day ye was rescued -- from being
a ... a ..."

"A shrew?" Fiona suggested, unconsciously spraying a small amount of
the broth that was still in her mouth as she cast a sideways glance
and grin at Shrek. Her husband suppressed his own grin and attended
to his own bowl.

"Well ..." Groyl conceded reluctantly, "the way Donkey described ye
... for lack of a better term ..."

Fiona swallowed the rest of her bite as she waved his concern off
with the hand that held her spoon. "It's quite all right," she
laughed. "I'm not sure how much of it was the pristine princess
being frustrated at seeing her fantasy rescue scenario being so
twisted, and how much of it was the irascible ogress already managing
to peek out, but I AM sure that's how Shrek felt about me by the end
of that first day. But then ... then came that first NIGHT. And as
I sat huddled there in my damp little cave, the scared not-so-little
ogress, I heard Shrek and Donkey talking. Now, Groyl, you need to
understand my peculiar nature and upbringing. Although I alternated
physical APPEARANCE, inside I remained the same -- always had the
same feelings, same wants, same desires. And where those deviated
from the human norm, I was told they were bad, and had to be
suppressed. I was taught that any -- embarrassing nonconformities --
were part of the ogre part of my nature, and that ogres were simply
uncouth brutes who had no feelings beyond surliness and anger and
irritability. So when I felt those things, it was the ogre trying to
come out. But when I felt love or joy or compassion -- well, that
was the human. After all, OGRES don't feel such things. True Love's
first kiss, I was told, would not only end my physical nighttime --
regressions -- but would also purge those 'undesirable' elements of
my inner being as well."

Fiona looked over at Shrek, who was chewing a bite of stew as he
quietly watched her. She grinned at him and said, "And during that
first day we met, aside from being braver and more resourceful than I
would have imagined an ogre being, he pretty much played to the
stereotype."

Shrek chuckled, and then Fiona reached over and gently laid a hand
atop his, and turned back to Groyl. "But then that night," she said,
"I overheard him reveal a glimpse of a being with uncertainties and
complexities that I would never have believed would exist in the
simple brutes I was taught that ogres were. 'They judge me before
they get to know me', he had said. I lay awake much of the rest of
that night thinking about that -- thinking about him -- thinking
about ME. For I heard a plaintive tone in that voice that I had
often felt myself as I'd lay huddled in my bed at night as a little
ogress back in my father's castle -- a yearning to be accepted for
who I was, not hidden away as the embarrassing 'worse half' to a
pristine human princess -- the unfortunate result of an enchantment
that must be 'broken' and purged." Fiona paused for a moment, then
shrugged and continued, "Anyway, I decided that the next day I'd try
to do just what Shrek said -- I'd try to get to know him." Then she
giggled, and said, "That's really all I intended to do, at first. I
wasn't planning to -- well, after breakfast he let go this big belch
..." She looked at Shrek and asked, "You remember that belch I made
during our first dinner with my Mom and Dad, and how I got so
defensive and said, 'excuse me', right?"

"How could I forget?" he asked wryly.

"Well, you don't know HOW many times that scene played as I was
growing up. Such particularly loud and 'obnoxious' belches were
another one of those distasteful things that was -- mostly rightly in
this case, it turns out -- attributed to the ogre part of my nature.
And whenever it happened, I was always made to feel like -- 'well,
that's the beast part of her rearing its ugly head again'. So when
Shrek did it with such heartfelt, unapologetic abandon -- I couldn't
help myself. I had to answer him. For once in my life, with no
embarrassment or apologies, I just HAD to. And, great HEAVENS, it
felt so GOOD! Then Donkey made one of the wisest observations of his
life."

Suddenly all eyes shifted to Donkey, who was in the midst of gnawing
on a mouthful of salad as, like the others, he had become immersed in
Fiona's story. Now the embarrassed equine swallowed the mouthful
down hard, and asked Fiona, "I DID?"

"Surely you remember," she prodded.

"Oh!" Donkey said. "You mean when I told Shrek, 'She's as nasty as
you are'."

"Precisely," Fiona said, then turned to Groyl again. "For the rest
of that day, I decided, I'd just be me. Taking my inspiration from
Shrek, I'd put the pristine princess aside and just go with what I
felt. For the first -- and for what I thought then would be the only
-- time in my life, I'd let the repressed ogress inside have
unfettered reign. It would be her swan song -- or ugly duckling
song, depending on how you look at it -- before Farquaad's kiss wiped
away her existence. It was a little hard at first, and it wasn't
until after I pulled that arrow out of Shrek's butt that I REALLY
started to relax. But as the day wore on it became more and more
natural. I assume Donkey's probably filled you in on a lot of the
details. But from my perspective, I just want to let you know that
it was one of the most fulfilling, empowering days of my life. From
the belches to the balloons to the spider-web candy to the weedrat
dinner, it was marvelous to be so free, and to share that abandon
with someone like your son, who had no qualms about being his ogre
self, and even seemed to revel in it. The day before he had
liberated me from Dragon's castle; now, through his inspiration, he
helped free my soul, and it immediately seemed to seek out and
intertwine with his. By the end of that day I was deeply if
accidentally in love with him ... although I didn't want to admit it.
For all my previous talk of 'True Love', I never really knew what it
was. I never had an inkling. Now it had arrived ... and I didn't
recognize it. Not just yet."

"And yet, for all that, ye still retreated into that windmill that
night," Moyre observed. "Ye were still afraid to physically show ...
the other side."

Fiona sighed. "That day was a living dream. But ... the dream was
over. What can I say? The preconception of who could constitute a
proper 'True Love' with the proper pedigree to break the spell,
although warped, was still intact. My fate was sealed and my destiny
set. I had to marry Farquaad. Only his kiss could break the spell.
I was a princess. That was just the way it had to be. But then
Donkey showed up --" here Fiona again smiled at her furry friend
"-- and started me thinking all over again. Then when he left I found
this big sunflower mysterious laying outside the door --" here she
looked over to Shrek, who was staring down into his stew with an
unreadable expression on his face -- "and -- well, as it turned out,
I wasn't the first person in this relationship who was willing to
expand their horizons and take a chance on love. Unfortunately,
Shrek had, unknown to me at the time, overheard only part of our
conversation, and thought that when I was speaking so disparagingly
of myself, and how nobody could love a beast so hideous and ugly,
that I was talking about him." She sighed sadly, shook her head, and
then continued. "Ironically, I stayed up the rest of that night
taking account of -- well, everything, really. Eventually I decided
that, yes, I WOULD reveal myself to Shrek. My full self -- my ogress
self. I'd take a chance and tell him. And after that ... well, I
didn't really know. Although, in the last stages of my internal
deliberations I started plucking the petals off the flower to
'decide' whether or not to tell him, I'm sure that by the end of that
routine, if the last petal had come up 'tell him not', that I would
have snatched the bulb off the thing to make it come up 'tell him.'
As it was, by the time I ran out of the windmill to find him, the sun
was rising and I changed back into human form. And then ..." Here
Fiona's voice trailed off.

"And then I showed up," Shrek continued for her, looking up. "Like
Fi said, I thought -- well, I wasn't thinking too clearly then. And
if she'd mistakenly hurt me the previous evening, I surely hurt her
worse that morn'. Fi was so afraid that I'd reject her 'cause of
her ogre state. Even me. And the things I said that morn' made it
sound like I'd done just that. I can't imagine how devastating that
was for her."

Fiona smiled wanly and looked down, a little pain playing in the
corner of her mouth even after all this time. Then she felt Shrek's
hand slip into hers; she looked over and saw him regarding her
intently, a contrite look in his eyes. She forced a smile and
squeezed his hand.

"So we went our sep'rate ways," Shrek continued. "Fiona off t'marry
Farquaad and me back here to my swamp. Then THAT busy-body decided
t'get into the act again." Here he nodded with mock irritation
toward Donkey, who responded with a broad grin, which didn't look too
well considering he had another mouthfull of salad at the same time.
"He showed up and straightened me out how I was mistaken 'bout
Fiona's words the night b'fore. Also just happened t'bring a dragon
along with him, so off we fly to the wedding -- "

"And to rescue me from the biggest mistake of my life," Fiona
interjected, a genuine smile returning to her face. "You should have
seen your son, bravely charging down the aisle of that enormous,
crowded church, yelling 'I object!'." She started giggling at the
remembrance.

"But the really brave one was Fiona," Shrek said. "When everybody
else was laughing at the absurd ogre with the temerity t'fall in love
with a princess -- when she was just one kiss away from achieving her
life's goal -- she stepped away. It was late -- the sun was going
down -- the church had the whole town in there gawking at her -- and
yet she stepped away." As Shrek spoke the words his voice grew
heavier and lower with both adoration and admiration. "'I meant
t'show you b'fore', she said, then just let the change take her. In
fronta all those people, she just let it take her. Then the crowd
was treated to the sight of the most lovely ogress in the world --
'though not one of the idiots could appreciate it."

"Ye really did that, in front of all those humans?" Moyre asked Fiona.
For the first time Fiona thought she could detect a hint of something
actually approaching respect in Moyre's voice.

"Yes," Fiona replied, "although it didn't go over very well with
Farquaad, as you can imagine. Before we knew it we were both
surrounded and captured by a battalion of his goons, although Shrek
must have fought off a dozen before they subdued him."

"It wasn't THAT many, Fi," Shrek said, blushing somewhat as a grin
creased his cheek.

"Well, darn close!" she continued. "But then, HE showed up again,"
and here Fiona nodded again toward Donkey.

"Along with Dragon," Donkey said, grinning. "She helped."

"Aye," Shrek agreed. "She gobbled Farquaad down like an appetizer
wiener ... and then ..." Shrek looked over at Fiona.

"And then ..." she echoed, her voice dropping to a whisper as her
eyes met his.

"True Love's Kiss," Shrek said, his voice dropping to match hers.

"Then at last ..." Fiona concluded, gesturing to herself "... Love's
True Form."

"Yeah," Donkey added happily, "and then she said, 'I don't understand
-- I'm 'sposed to be beautiful!'"

"DON-KEY!" both Shrek and Fiona said in unison, turning toward Donkey
with frustrated glares.

"What'd I say? What'd I say?" Donkey asked, surprised and confused.

Moyre chuckled. "So ye STILL thought -- even after all that -- that
for your happily ever after -- even with SHREK -- ye had t'be human?"

Fiona sighed deeply, then explained, "Whatever feelings Shrek had
built for me, he had built them while I was in human form. Recall
what I said earlier about the stories of 'beasts' falling in love
with beautiful human maidens. Although he had accepted me -- in ANY
form -- I thought that he'd still prefer the beautiful human
princess. But then he looked at me -- just as I am now -- and said --
and said 'You ARE beautiful' ..." Fiona paused as her voice began
to crack. She took a moment to recompose herself, wiped away a tear
that had escaped during this particular recollection, then continued
"... and then a whole new world opened up for me. And the most
wonderful part of it was ... I'd get to explore it with your son as
guide and fellow traveler."

"I see," Moyre said reflectively. "But ye didn't choose --"

"Oh, criminy, Mom!" Shrek blurted. "She chose ME. She was a
beautiful human princess who literally had men dying to wed her and
she chose ME. After all her dreams and plans and expectations, after
being raised t'regard ogres like she was, she still looked past all
that and loved me for who I AM. Ye should be HAPPY for me."

"I AM happy for ye, Shreklecheh," Moyre replied, "it's just that --"

"Just nothing!" Shrek interrupted. "Like Fiona said, I didn't even
KNOW about her ogress side when I stormed into that church. I fell
in love with her for who she WAS, not for what she looked like. And
if she'd been fully human, and still accepted me, then that woulda
been fine with me. But you know what my first words were when I saw
her change? I said, 'that explains a lot.' 'Cause it DID. It
explained mosta the way she'd been acting. The physical change only
confirmed what the belch and the weedrats and all the rest hinted at
... that hidden inside that human body was a person who was every bit
the ogre -I- was -- and yet much more!"

Moyre sighed. "Shreklecheh, I just --"

"And ye wanna talk more about CHOOSING, Mom?" Shrek continued; his
blood was up and he was on a roll. "Back in Far Far Away, when I was
taking that potion to change us both to human -- which I was doing
because -I- misread certain signals -- ye know what she was doing?
She was walking out on her parents -- telling them she was going back
to the swamp with ME. She chose ME then. And then the next night,
she had t'make the choice of a lifetime. She had her destiny put in
her hands then, and coulda chose for us to continue on as humans,
move into her family castle and try and live the 'happily ever after'
that she'd dreamed of and been raised t'expect. But she didn't do
that. She chose for us both to resume our ogre forms -- and our
lives together HERE. If it wasn't for Fiona's choice, Mom, I
wouldn't even BE an ogre today!"

"Yes you would," Fiona corrected. "But the ogre would have been
hidden within a human shell. And you would have been expected to
keep that ogre 'in check'." She chuckled. "Sorry, dear. Been
there, done that. I didn't want to wish it back on myself, and I
certainly didn't want to wish it on YOU."

"Yeah, it was awfully sweet, seein' the two of 'em then," Donkey
added. Then he sighed and said, "Still, sometimes I wished she's
kissed him anyway, so I'd still be a stallion."

Shrek and Fiona looked over at him. "What're ye TAKING about,
Donkey?" Shrek asked. "Whether Fiona and I kissed or not didn't
affect YOU."

Donkey's eyebrows knitted in confusion. "It DIDN'T? But I just
assumed --"

"Well, ye know what they say about assuming," Shrek said, and a
corner of his mouth curled into a grin as he saw Fiona give him a
look of mock reproof. "Weren't ye paying attention when I read the
potion's instructions? It affected the drinker and their True Love.
So when I drank it, it affected Fiona. And when you drank it ..."
Shrek stopped, then looked over at his wife. "That's funny," he
said. "I hadn't thought of that before."

"Dragon!" Fiona said, and expressions of curiosity spread across both
ogres' faces. Then they both looked over to Donkey. "Donkey, you
changed back because you didn't kiss Dragon before midnight," Fiona
said. "But -- when you changed into a stallion -- what did Dragon
change into?"

An even more perplexed look crossed the equine's features. "I don't
know," he said. "She never told me. And ... well, since I didn't
think she was affected, I never thought to ask her."

Shrek and Fiona looked back at each other and both raised inquisitive
eyebrows.

"Oh, well," Fiona said, turning back to Donkey. "In any event, I'm
sure that Dragon was glad to have you back, just as you were meant to
be, the donkey she fell in love with."

"Oh, heck, no!" Donkey said. "When I told her what happened to ME,
she said she wished I'd stayed a stallion!" Shrek and Fiona looked
at each other again, smiled and shook their heads as Donkey
continued, "She said she's always had a thing for stallions. Said it
really broke her heart when she'd see one a'gallopin' up to her
castle and she'd have to roast them along with the knight that rode
in on 'em. Oh, well, what can ya say? A job's a job."

"So ... your lifemate really IS a ... DRAGON?" Moyre asked the small
animal, her tone incredulous.

"Hard to believe, ain't it?" Donkey asked. "Well, you know what they
say, love's full'a surprises."

"And you thought WE had a mixed marriage, eh, Moyre?" Fiona said,
unable to resist getting a small dig in at her mother-in-law.

The intensity of the icy glare that Moyre shot back at Fiona in
response took the younger ogress by surprise. Fiona cast her eyes
over at Groyl to gauge his response, but his eyes were on his wife, a
wary expression on his face as he sipped broth from his spoon. Fiona
then looked over at Shrek, but her husband was again staring down at
his own bowl, an abashed expression on his face. Fiona felt as if
she'd just committed some embarrassing ogre faux pas.

"That's true," Moyre finally replied, her tone one of restrained
rebuke. "Some marriages are more mixed than others. But others are
mixed enough."

As Fiona tried to mentally unpack Moyre's cryptic comment, the elder
ogress took another spoonful of stew. Immediately Moyre's face
puckered in disgust and she spat the bite back into her bowl. As the
three other ogres and Donkey watched with shocked curiosity, Moyre
took her spoon and fished something out of the bite she had just
expelled. She held it up. "What's THIS?" she asked.

It was obvious what it was, but Fiona replied anyway, blushing
somewhat. "It's a mushroom."

"But it's not a slimy black mushroom!" Moyre said.

"Well, no," Fiona conceded, blushing more deeply. "I --"

"Odd Ends Stew should ONLY be made with slimy black mushrooms!" Moyre
said critically.

"We ran out, so I told her t'use moldy yellow ones," Shrek said,
taken somewhat aback himself.

"YOU did?" Moyre asked. "But I thought Fiona made the stew."

"I DID," Fiona said, "but ... well, I yield to advice from Shrek.
He's the real culinary expert in the family. He's been trying to
teach me all the ogre specialties. Things like Fish Eyes Tar-Tar,
Swamp Toad Soup --"

"Swamp Toad Soup? Really?" Moyre asked, surprised. "And the
implications of cannibalism doesn't bother ye?"

"MOYRE!!" Groyl bellowed. But it was too late.

All eyes now focused on Fiona. The ogress simply gawked, mouth and
eyes wide open, at Moyre for several seconds -- several very silent
seconds -- as if she couldn't believe what her mother-in-law had
said. Then Fiona's mouth closed and set, and her eyes narrowed. A
rumbling could be heard in her throat, and she began to tremble with
building rage. Her hands began to ball into fists so tightly that
everyone could hear her knuckles cracking.

"Uh ... Fiona ... sweetheart ..." Shrek began, trying to sound
soothing, but it was soon apparent she wasn't listening to him.

Fiona finally exploded. "THAT'S IT!!" she yelled, and with both
fists pounded the table before her with such force that it was a
credit to Shrek's workmanship that it didn't splinter right there.
As it was, the table bounced on all four of its legs, and all the
bowls of stew sitting on the table leapt into the air, spilling most
of their remaining contents. In the case of Donkey's lighter salad
bowl, it actually flipped in the air and landed upside-down on the
top of his snout, spilling the remainder of its contents there.

Fiona was oblivious to the consequences of her blow to the table.
Her attention was focused like a laser beam elsewhere. She sprang up
from her seat, sending her chair toppling backwards behind her. Her
eyes narrowed further, her upper lip curled back from her teeth, and
she jabbed her right index finger directly towards Moyre as she
spoke, or rather spat, words that came flooding out like water from a
dam that had just burst.

"LOOK," Fiona said, "I've tried my BEST to get along with you since
your arrival for Shrek's sake. Heaven KNOWS he put up with a lot
when we first visited my father. And I'm sorry if my human origins
upset some stuck-up sense of ... of ... of OGRE-HOOD that you can't
seem to get past, even for your son's sake. Hey, I've been on both
sides. And since I openly adopted this form, I've been on the
receiving end of a few mindless assaults by ignorant villagers, too.
I admit that must have been just a TASTE of what YOU all must have
grown up with, and so I've been willing to overlook most of your
snide little humaphobic gibes. But when you start insulting my OWN
family, and mock my father because of HIS condition ... well, lady,
you just crossed a line! If you don't like me, then FINE, but not
because of what my parents are --"

"But that's just IT!" Moyre shot back as she stood as well. "It's
not what your parents ARE, but what they are NOT! It's THAT that
makes all the difference, as I'm sure ye well know!"

"MOM!" Shrek tried to intervene.

Fiona was still furious, but now she was becoming confused as well.
"What are you TALKING about?!" she demanded of her mother-in-law.

"Surely Shreklecheh has TOLD ye!" Moyre asserted.

Fiona's blazing eyes shot down towards her husband, who quickly
looked away, blushing deeply. "TOLD ME WHAT?!" she demanded, as much
of him as of her.

"HOW YOU'RE NOT REALLY MARRIED!" Moyre responded.

Fiona's eyes shot back to Moyre, but their fire had suddenly gone
out. Her flushed skin suddenly dropped its hue until it looked
nearly pale.

Then the fire in Moyre's eyes went out as well. "Oh m'God!" she
gasped, "He DIDN'T tell ye, did he?"

Fiona looked down at Shrek, who had gone as pale as she and was still
looking away uncomfortably. "Shrek," she asked, her voice now just
above a whisper, "is this true?"

"Of COURSE not!" he suddenly bellowed, looking back up at her. "We
were married in a proper ceremony --"

"A proper HUMAN ceremony," Moyre corrected.

"Humans weren't the only ones there!" Shrek retorted.

"But it was NOT an OGRE ceremony!" Moyre said.

"It was perfectly legal and binding!" Shrek countered.

"But not SANCTIONED by ogre marriage tradition!" Moyre responded.
"As such, your marriage cannot be recognized as valid by the ogre
community!"

"Well, the 'ogre community' can go take a flying leap into the
deepest, darkest swamp on this PLANET!" Shrek sneered. "Fiona and I
are --" Here Shrek looked over to Fiona, and noticed that she was
staring off into space and trembling again, although not with anger
this time. He saw her knees were about to buckle, and so he quickly
reached down and lifted her chair back up a split second before she
collapsed into it. She looked over at him, apparently in a daze.

"Is this it ... the secret you were going to tell me?" she asked.

"Yes," he said, then added in as reassuring a tone as possible, "but
it doesn't matter. Fiona, we ARE wed. Legally, and more important
than that, spiritually. Some stupid, outdated, idiotic ogre customs
don't matter diddly squat!"

"If they didn't matter," Fiona asked, "then why didn't you simply
tell me before?"

Shrek blushed again. "I thought ... I was afraid ... it WOULD matter
... to YOU."

A sad, ironic smile played on Fiona's lips. "Well ... you thought
right."

Moyre also sat. "Oh, Fiona," she said, her voice actually taking on
a tone of commiseration. "I'm sorry. I thought ye knew, and simply
chose t'go through this human ceremony anyway." Moyre looked
reproachfully over at Shrek as she added. "It was HIS responsibility
t'tell ye."

"Oh, Moyre, please!" Groyl said impatiently. "They're young, and
they're in love. Have ye forgotten how impetuous ye can be in such
circumstances?"

"But it's her future, and her children --" Moyre began, then, seeing
Groyl flash her a particularly cross look, stopped talking.

But Fiona had picked up on where Moyre was going. "Our children,"
Fiona continued, her voice distant and shell-shocked, "will not be
regarded as ... authentic ogres by the ogre community. Will they?"

Moyre responded by giving a Fiona a pained but sympathetic look, and
then dropping her eyes.

They all sat in silence for several seconds, then Donkey spoke up.
"Ah, waitaminute," he said tentatively. "If I might venture a dumb
animal question here, if this ogre-type ceremony is so all-fired
important, why don'cha just HAVE one? Get married AGAIN. There's no
LAW against it, is there?"

Fiona looked over at Donkey, and felt herself brighten somewhat.
Again, another gem of horse sense seemed to have come forth from
their equine friend as he appeared to have derived a direct and
simple solution. She looked towards her in-laws, but saw that they
were not sharing her glimmer of hope.

It was Groyl who, seeing the desperate question reflected in Fiona's
eyes, answered her this time. "I'm afraid, dear, that ogre marriage
ceremonies are by tradition only performed for ogres who are of pure
... well, who have parents who are both ogres as well. There are no
... mixed marriages allowed. That's what Moyre was referring to
earlier."

Fiona now felt her spirits drop even lower than before. She looked
over at Shrek and saw his pained expression as he looked back at her,
groping for words to say.

"Fiona," he began, "I --"

"I'm shut out, aren't I?" she interrupted, her voice listless and
resigned.

"What?"

"I'll never be accepted. No matter how hard I try, I can't be. And
our children will bear my stigma."

"Fiona, that's nonsense! Our children will be proud ogres, and we
don't need the sanction of some close-minded, outmoded institution to
give them OR you authenticity! Ye've already earned it through the
strength of your character!"

Fiona sat quietly for a few moments as tears began to well in her
eyes. Then with a loud sob she shot up out of her chair and ran into
their bedroom. She stopped as she crossed its threshold, looked back
and saw Shrek following her. She grabbed the door and slammed it
nearly in his face, then after pausing for a second, threw closed the
bolt that latched the door. A moment later she heard Shrek try the
doorknob in vain, then heard his desperate knock on the door.
"Fiona!" he called. "Fiona, please! We need t'talk about this!
Fiona!"

Fiona backed away from the door, then turned and threw herself onto
the bed. She grabbed one of the pillows and covered her face again,
but this time for a much longer period of time as she poured forth an
incessant torrent of tears and muffled wails.