Layer 12: Prenuptial Agreements
"What'd you say they call this place again?" Donkey asked.
Shrek, dressed in pants and pullover shirt made of drab, olive-green
burlap, continued his steady stride just ahead of Donkey but sighed
in exasperation and ran a hand across the top of his bald head.
"For the umpteenth time," he moaned, "it's called 'The Great Abysmal
Bog'."
"Well, they got the 'abysmal' part right," Donkey said, looking
about at the dark green canopy of overgrown vegetation that
surrounded the little band of travelers as they made their way along
a narrow path through the lush swamp. "And the 'bog' part REALLY
fits," he added, looking down at the soft, squishy moisture-laden
soil upon which his soggy feet tread. "But I don't think it's such
a 'great' place to be! Maybe it's great for you OGRES, but us
DONKEYS would prefer a nice, dry sylvan glen!"
"Donkey," Shrek explained, "it's called 'great' because it covers
such a large expanse of land."
"Well ... you got THAT right, TOO!" Donkey said. "It seems we've
been walking FOREVER!"
Shrek sighed again. "Just a little while longer," he said, "and
we'll come to that nice big clearing where we're supposed to
rendezvous with Dragon and Fiona and her parents. Ye can relax for
a bit when we get there."
"Si, amigo!" an orange tabby cat said with a Spanish-accented voice
from his perch on Shrek's left shoulder. "I'm sure we'll be there
in no time!" The feline was dressed in dark leather boots, a
yellow-plumed dark cavalier hat with the brim pinned up on the left
side, and small dark cape. Across his waist he wore a belt to which
was attached a miniature scabbard that housed a short but sharp
rapier.
"Oh, sure, YOU'RE one to talk, Puss!" Donkey said. "You get an
O-ticket ride all the way while the REST of us get ta walk!" Here
Donkey made a gesture that took in the other two members of the
party, Shrek's parents, who were dressed in their normal clothes and
walking quietly a few paces ahead of their son.
"It's my boots, Donkey," Puss said, gesturing to his footwear.
"They're too likely to get stuck in the mud!"
"Yeah, right," Donkey responded, then spoke to Shrek -- or rather,
to the back of his head. "I still don't know why we had to bring
Puss an' why he couldn't have just stayed back at your swamp with
the rest'a the Fairytale Gang an' waited for us ta get back for the
wecomin' home party. I mean, ASIDE from him askin' ya if could come
while takin' off his hat an' starin' up at ya with that pathetic
big-eyes thing he does."
"You brought me along for my valuable services!" Puss said, drawing
and brandishing his sword with aplomb. "Should we stumble into
danger, I may be of assistance!"
"Look, Puss," Donkey said, "we've got three ogres here. In a while
we'll have another ogre and a dragon. If we DO run into any
problems, then with all that goin' for us I don't think that your
little shish kebob skewer's gonna make THAT big a difference."
"Ah, it's not the size of your rapier that matters, my friend," Puss
said, thrusting his weapon back into its scabbard, "but how you use
it!"
Donkey rolled his eyes, then said, "Shrek, tell me again why is it
we couldn't ALL have ridden in a carriage or somethin'?"
"Once again, Donkey, because the path's too narrow in too many
places, and even if it wasn't, the wheels might've gotten stuck in
the mud," Shrek explained, trying to be patient.
"Yeah, right, stuck in the mud," Donkey mumbled to himself. Then he
said aloud, "Speakin' of sticks in the mud, why is it you couldn't
have arranged for an ogre ceremony in a little more temperate
climate? I mean, it's been over two weeks since Fiona got back with
the go-ahead from her parents."
"Because all ogres in this country travel to this swamp t'be
married," Shrek replied. "It's --"
"I know, I know," Donkey groused. "'Tradition'. Like those jammies
you're wearin' --"
"It's a wedding tunic," Shrek said, his temper and patience
shortening.
"Yeah, whatever. Y'know, it's also 'tradition' for salmon to swim
upstream ta spawn. But I used ta think that ogres had more sense
than fish."
"Donkey ..." Shrek grumbled, the tone in his voice now one of
warning.
"Okay, I'm sorry, man," Donkey apologized. "It's just that I'm so
tired and BORED."
Puss turned to Shrek. "Boss, is he always this much trouble on long
trips?" the feline inquired.
"You have no idea," Shrek replied.
Donkey tilted his head and tried looking passed the three ogres
marching in front of him to see if the clearing that Shrek had
spoken of might be appearing soon. "Are we there yet?" Donkey
asked.
---------------------------------------------------
Dragon flew high in the afternoon air. Strapped to her back was the
stripped-out passenger compartment of a small carriage, with a seat
wide enough for an ogress, a human female, and a frog to sit side-
by-side in comfortably.
Fiona sat to the seat furthest to the left. Her mother, the elegant
and lovely Queen Lillian, sat furthest to the right. King Harold
sat between them.
Harold stared up at his daughter. He was still somewhat in shock at
her appearance. Her clothes consisted of a drab olive-green burlap
dress, something that he might expect to find on the poorest
peasants in the kingdom -- and if he HAD found such he would have
gladly given the poor peasants money to buy new clothes and order
the old ones burned. At first Harold had thought that the dress
smelled as well -- but then he realized it was not the dress itself,
but who was in it. Harold knew that ogres had a distinctive ... air
about them in the best of circumstances. But judging from the aroma
that now emanated from his daughter, he guessed that she had not
taken a bath since she had last visited them over two weeks before.
Not one using soap, anyway. Maybe not even using WATER, Harold
thought with a shudder as he recalled ogres' fondness of mudholes.
Fiona was wearing lipstick, but it was blue. The only other makeup
she wore was on her nose; it was completely covered in what looked
like black greasepaint. But the most distressing thing was her
hair. It was cut shorter than normal, and completely uncombed. It
was, frankly, a disordered mess, made all the worse because her
ponytail was gone, lopped completely off.
Fiona had been sitting with her eyes closed and her head tilted
back, enjoying the breeze that fluttered through her unruly locks as
they flew. Now she opened her eyes and smiled down at her father.
But her smile vanished when she saw the distress on his face.
"What's wrong, Dad?" she asked.
"It's all right, dear," Lillian answered for him. "Your father's
not used to flying. He's probably just feeling a little green."
Both Fiona and Harold cast critical glances at her. "Oh!" Lillian
said. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean --"
"No, no, it's all right, darling," Harold said, then turned to
Fiona. "Fiona, I'm sorry, it's just that ... well, I'm just not
used to seeing you ... like this."
Fiona smiled. "It's okay, Dad," she said. "This is all just for
the marriage ceremony. After today I plan to grow my hair back and
wear it more ... conventionally. And the dress and makeup's just
for the ceremony, too. It's ... tradition ... from what I'm told."
"Well, THAT'S a relief, anyway," Harold said. "You always had such
beautiful hair."
"Thanks," Fiona said, and smiled again. She then looked straight
ahead and sighed. "Just a few more hours," she said, "and it'll all
be over. We'll be properly married, and everything will be great!"
"Fiona, dearest," Harold said, "I thought you already WERE properly
married."
"We were! I mean, we are!" she said, looking back at him again.
"But, like I told you, we have to go through this ceremony to be
fully accepted by other ogres."
A rueful smile appeared on Harold's face, and he shook his head
slightly.
"What is it, Dad?" Fiona asked, concerned.
"Oh, it's really nothing dear. Except that ..." he sighed again.
"It just sounds odd to hear you refer to yourself and 'OTHER ogres'
as if ... how can I put this ... as if ..."
"As if I WERE one?" Fiona asked. "Well, Dad, I AM an ogre. And
it's not just physical. It's inside, too. It always has been. I
can't deny it anymore. This IS me." Now it was Fiona who smiled
ruefully as she looked away. "I'm sorry," she said. "I know my
appearance as an ogress disgusts you, even when I'm dressed and
groomed 'normally'."
"Oh, Fiona, please!" Harold said. "You're my daughter! I love you!
You could never 'disgust' me!"
"That's NOT the signal I was getting growing up," she observed.
Harold closed his eyes and took a moment to gather his thoughts. "I
know," he admitted, opening his eyes and peering at her. "And I'm
sorry. I'm so sorry. It's just that ... dear, I really couldn't
see how you COULD be happy ... how ANYONE could be happy as an ... I
mean, in your nocturnal form. But that was me, dear. You see, I
was quite ... paranoid, I guess you could say ... about my own ...
secret. I truly wanted to be human in every way, and when I saw you
in non-human form it ... I suppose it reminded me of my own
inhumanity, and what I saw as a gross failing. I fear my treatment
of your 'other side' was in good deal a projection of how I felt
about my own secret, non-human self. I ... I wish I could make you
understand."
Fiona looked away pensively, and Harold thought he saw an
unconscious trace of bitterness creep into her features. When she
spoke her voice was disconcertingly distant and void of emotion.
"Dad, I understand. Self-loathing of my secret, non-human self,
feelings of inadequacy, and fear of being found out ... oh yes, I
understand very well."
Harold looked at his daughter with remorse. "Then I DID make you
understand," he said, "but not in a way I intended. That was very
wrong of me. But believe me, what I did ... striking that deal with
Fairy Godmother and locking you in that tower ... I really felt was
best for you. If it would leave you completely and beautifully
human, I thought that would surely be the best way to ensure your
happiness. Plus, to be married to such a handsome prince ... I
mean, there are dozens of princesses who would die for a shot at
such a prize. All you had to do was literally sit back and wait for
him to come to you."
"Even if that 'prize' had a hidden 'monster' of his own?" Fiona
asked. "Not a physical 'failing' such as we thought we had, but a
dark stain in his soul?"
Harold paused for a moment, then took a deep breath and tried to
explain. "At the time I made the deal with Godmother, Charming
looked to be growing up into a handsome, strong, brave, skilled, and
confident fellow. All qualities that anyone could admire. All
qualities that made him an ideal prince and eventual king. All
qualities worthy of the husband of my daughter. All qualities ...
that I lacked, even as a human. Darling, I wanted BETTER for you."
Harold sighed, then continued. "I hoped that by the time he rescued
you from that tower, all those positive qualities would have helped
him overcome his mother's influence, and he would have become his
own man. I mean, how could a man with such outstanding physical
attributes turn out to be anything BUT good? Even when I learned
better, even after you showed up at the castle with Shrek, I still
thought Charming, even with his faults, would make for a better life
for you than marriage to an OGRE. But then again, by that time I
was completely in Godmother's thrall, and so maybe a good deal of my
'reasoning' was actually my subconscious rationalizing the trading
of your future for my own self-preservation. I honestly don't know.
But if so, then that ... that made me a greater villain than
Charming OR Godmother could ever be."
Harold ashamedly looked down and away from his daughter. Fiona
beheld him for a while, her face melting into sympathy. Then she
reached over and gently laid a large index finger on his small
webbed hand. "But you triumphed over that, Dad," she said. "When
the chips were down, you found the courage to stand up to her. In
refusing to give me the potion you saved me from a horrible fate,
and in sacrificing yourself when Godmother tried to kill Shrek, you
saved not only his life, and not only my happiness, but your entire
kingdom. You proved to be a braver and nobler hero than ANY Prince
Charming could ever be. No daughter could feel more pride for her
father than I feel for you. Ogress or human, I am Princess Fiona,
daughter of His Royal Majesty King Harold of Far Far Away ... and it
is a title I bear with honor."
Harold looked back up at his daughter. The two smiled warmly at
each other, and the lower part of Harold's mouth puffed out proudly
as he croaked.
Lillian also smiled as she watched the two. She had been hoping
they would eventually be able to discuss these issues openly.
Everyone had been politely avoiding them since the ball, preferring
instead to make a fresh start. Now that her husband and daughter
had managed a rapprochement on the topics, she felt as if a weight
were lifting. But it was a weight her husband had not bourn by
himself. "Fiona, dear," the queen said, "you know your father was
not alone in the decision to send you to the tower. Although I
didn't know all the details on his dealings with the Fairy Godmother
--" Lillian had to fight to keep herself from casting a reproachful
glance at her husband "-- I did agree to the tower arrangement. So
I, too, owe you an apology. But you see, when you were just a baby
and I saw the dreaded curse you suffered --"
"Mom," Fiona interrupted, wincing slightly, "could we please not
call it a 'curse' anymore?"
"Oh. Ah, very well, dear. Uh, when I saw the frightful enchantment
that --"
"Mom," the princess interrupted her again, "can we just call it an
'enchantment' and drop the adjectives?"
Lillian sighed. "I'm sorry, Fiona," she said, "but I suppose that's
part of the problem. You see, growing up as a princess, I, too, was
taught that beauty was of paramount importance. I fear that society
tends to instill this overemphasis on superficial appearance in ALL
young girls, royal or not, to the point where the pursuit of this
idealized goal of physical perfection sometimes overwhelms all the
other factors in evaluating the worth of such girls. That mindset
... I suppose THAT is the real curse, Fiona, and it has been cast
upon the entire human female gender. It was that mindset that told
me you couldn't be happy unless you were fully and totally that
beautiful princess we saw during the day, and blinded me to the
possibility that the ogress you turned into at night or the
behaviors you exhibited that didn't conform to that human ideal were
anything but unwanted aberrations. So I, too, agreed to the tower
proposal. Again, Fiona ... I'm sorry. But, like your father, I
really felt it was for your own good."
Fiona smiled at her mother. "It's okay, Mom," she said. "After
all, it turned out you and Dad were right. It really WAS for my own
good. Because without the tower, I would never have met Shrek. And
without Shrek, I would never have found the courage to accept
myself."
Harold spoke then. "And without the inspiration of the courage, the
love, and the dedication I saw in you and Shrek," he said, "I would
never have found the fortitude to stand up to the Fairy Godmother.
I'd still be her pathetic, secret toady -- so to speak."
"So in the end," Fiona said, "the tower deal worked out well for
everybody ... except for Prince Charming and the Fairy Godmother,
who instituted it in the first place!"
The three of them laughed. Dragon looked back for a moment,
grinned, then turned back and continued concentrating on her flight.
"Fiona, dear," Lillian said, her laughter fading and her tone
turning serious, "there's something that's bothering me. After that
night at the ball, when you chose not to kiss Shrek -- thus allowing
him to regain his true form while showing your willingness to
embrace your own ogress state, all despite what human society thinks
-- well, first of all, let me say that I was so very proud of you
then."
"Thanks, Mom," Fiona said sincerely, but then cocked an eyebrow in
suspicion and waited for the 'but'.
"But dear," Lillian continued, "if you don't mind my saying so,
since then it appears you've gone rather far in the opposite
direction from when you despised your ogre self. You seem to have
become so obsessed with proving you're a 'real' ogress you've even
agreed to this ... this deceptive scheme ..."
"Your mother's quite right, dear," Harold added. "You once told me
with justifiable pride that Shrek loves you for who you are. Maybe
you should do the same. Love yourself for who you are. If you must
pursue authenticity, then seek out your authentic SELF. Don't worry
about how you compare to some idealized image of a human princess OR
an ogress. Any ogres that have a problem with that ... well, in my
opinion they deserve the same contempt as any close-minded humans
... OR frogs."
One corner of Fiona's lip curled in a small sardonic grin. "Now
you're starting to sound like Shrek and Donkey," she observed.
"Am I?" Harold asked. "Well, usually I'd take umbrage to having my
words compared to those of a jackass, but in this case I believe he
had a point."
"I know, Dad," Fiona conceded. "And actually I agree, in principle.
It's just that ... Dad, when I'm with Shrek, and we do things
together and share things that are distained by humans but so
natural to him, I find myself enjoying them as well. And it's not
just to please him. It's like a part of me has been set free. Many
of my feelings, my desires, my tastes ... things I've learned are
natural for ogres but that I felt I had to suppress as a human ...
with Shrek I'm able to celebrate them!"
Fiona paused briefly, then continued. "After a while of living with
Shrek and growing increasingly comfortable, I thought I'd finally
found a place ... and a lifestyle ... where I belonged. Where I
could be myself and find acceptance ... not just by Shrek, who
accepts me in any case, but by his peers as well. Then I found out
that I'd thought wrong, and that I -- no, worse, WE -- couldn't be
accepted, couldn't be recognized by ... I'm afraid I have to say it
... others of our kind. But then Moyre thought of a way we might be
able to circumvent the institutionalized bigotry of their wedding
ceremony, and have them formalize our marriage despite my
background. True, we won't be able to do everything on the up-and-up,
but with only a little innocent withholding of certain facts ..."
Fiona noticed the anxiety appearing in her parents' faces as she
spoke of Moyre's plan, and started to feel a bit annoyed despite
herself. "Look," she said, "if you two would rather not help out
with this --"
"Oh, Fiona, it's not that!" Lillian said. "We'll help you in any
way we can. As we told you before, if you really want to go through
with this, then we'll go through it along with you."
"Your mother's right again," Harold said. "But, dear, haven't you
and I BOTH learned that secrets and deceptions yield little good?"
Fiona looked down for a moment, gathering her thoughts. Then she
looked back up at her father. "Dad," she said, "how would you have
felt if someone had told you when you were young that your wedding
to Mom wouldn't be recognized by any humans because of your
background? That your marriage with her would be officially
ignored, that most humans would reject it socially, and that when I
was born that I would be regarded as ... the offspring of an
unsanctioned union?"
Harold considered her daughter's words, then blushed somewhat.
"Well ..." he admitted reticently, "if you look at it from that
perspective --"
"That's the perspective that I HAVE to look at it from," Fiona said,
"because that's where I am!"
"But Fiona," her mother said, "to lie about --"
"I'm not asking you to lie!" Fiona objected. "In fact, you CAN'T
lie! Remember? That would give them grounds to annul the ceremony
later. We MUST be truthful!"
"Just not TOO truthful," Harold injected.
Fiona shrugged. Then a wry smile came to her face and she said,
"You shouldn't have a problem with that, Dad. You always were a
good politician."
Harold looked back at his daughter and grinned cagily. "Very well,
dear," he said. "As we said before, if it's that important to you,
then we'll do it. Right, Lillian?"
The queen sighed. "Very well, Fiona. As we agreed, we owe you at
least this much."
"Thanks, Mom," Fiona said sincerely. "I really appreciate this."
Lillian nodded, then lapsed into silence as she stared idly off to a
group of hills below. Suddenly her features became alert. "Oh, my!"
she said. "Look at that!"
"What is it, dear?" Harold asked.
"On that mountaintop below us," Lillian said. "It appears there's a
nun down there singing ..."
---------------------------------------------------
Shrek's small party of travelers finally came to a clearing in the
increasingly claustrophobic canopy of greenery. It was a mostly
circular field about twenty yard wide with clear skies above and
spongy swamp grass below.
"Finally!" Shrek said with relief, then turned back to his equine
friend and added, "Okay, Donkey, ye can give it a rest."
"Thanks, man!" Donkey said. "My legs DO feel like they're about to
drop off!"
"Actually," Shrek said with a grin, "I was talking about your
mouth."
Donkey smirked back at Shrek as the ogre sat heavily on a nearby
fallen log. Puss jumped off his shoulder onto the log beside him
while a few yards ahead Groyl and Moyre also took a seat on another
log. Moyre looked up at the clear sky above them. "Judging by the
position of the sun, we're a wee bit early," she said. "Probably
more'n a couple of hours yet 'till the ceremony's due t'commence."
"Any sign of a dragon up there?" Groyl asked as he unstrapped a
canteen from across his shoulder, unscrewed the cap and handed it
over to her.
"Not that I see yet," Moyre replied, taking the canteen that Groyl
offered. "But we've got time." Moyre no longer had her left arm
wrapped or slung, but it was still a bit tender.
Shrek unstrapped his own canteen from around his own shoulder and
unscrewed its cap. "Thirsty, Donkey?" he asked, holding it towards
his friend.
"Hey, thanks, man," Donkey said, taking the canteen in his mouth
then tilting it up to let some of the water flow down his throat.
As Donkey drank, Shrek stared across the clearing at his mother as
she scanned the sky. He knew she meant well, but he really wished
she hadn't come up with this marriage scheme. It seemed that Fiona
was well on her way to reconciling the limitations of what she and
Shrek could expect given the nature of their relationship -- thanks
in large part to Donkey -- and then Moyre had to go and stir her up
again. Shrek sighed. It wasn't that he wouldn't gladly do this for
Fiona if it would make her happy. In fact, Shrek couldn't really
think of anything he wouldn't do for Fiona if it would make her
happy. But the plan that Moyre had come up with was so risky, with
so many things that could go wrong -- and if any of them DID go
wrong, then Fiona would be even more heartsick than before.
Donkey finished drinking, tilted the canteen back down and held it
out to Puss. "Gracias, amigo," the feline said, taking it with his
front paws. Puss took a small drink, handed the canteen back over
to Shrek, and then asked Donkey, "So, compadre, it's been a while
since I've seen your little ninos. How are they doing?"
"Oh, they're doin' GREAT!" Donkey gushed as Shrek began to take a
long drink from the canteen himself. "They're stayin' with a
babysitter while we take care of business here. But they're
getting' along fine. Dragon's been teachin' 'em flyin' and how to
control their fire an' other dragon stuff, an' I've been teachin'
'em to talk. And they're getting' good at it! They're past the
'momma' and 'dadda' stage and are startin' ta say little words an'
even stringin' short sentences together! Before long I'll have all
six of 'em talkin' just as good as me!"
Shrek suddenly spewed out most of the water that was in his mouth
like a geyser erupting, and then he started gagging on the rest.
Puss quickly jumped onto the ogre's back and started pounding as
hard as he could -- which, despite the cat's best efforts, actually
did virtually no good. Shrek's parents looked over with concern and
leapt to their feet, but Shrek had started breathing again -- albeit
belaboredly -- and waved them back down. As Shrek's gasping evolved
into a controlled wheezing, Puss jumped from Shrek's back onto the
log beside him and asked, "Boss, are you okay?"
"Yeah, man," Donkey added with concern. "What happened?"
Shrek, his breathing almost but not quite back to normal, looked
back at Donkey. "I guess I found that hard t'keep down," the ogre
managed to say.
Donkey stared back at Shrek, a confused look on the equine's face.
He was about to ask something else when Moyre pointed up to the sky
and shouted, "Look! There they are!"
Everyone looked up and indeed did see Dragon high in the sky. The
ogres stood and they and Puss waved up at her. Dragon looked down,
smiled when she spotted the party, then began spiraling downward
towards the clearing. After several circles she landed in the
middle of the clearing, between the log beside which Shrek's parents
stood and the one beside which Shrek stood. As was Dragon's wont,
however, her landing was a hard one, and her right rear foot thudded
into a particularly soft piece of the moisture-laden ground. The
result was that a gush of watery mud was sent toward Shrek's log.
Both Shrek and Donkey received part of the splash, but the brunt of
the mucky spray smashed into Puss, washing him backwards off the log
with a yowl.
"Oh, MAN," Donkey said, and tried shaking himself dry as Dragon
looked back at her partially sunken foot with distaste. With a
little effort she pulled it out of the mud, a loud sucking sound
accompanying the extraction, and then she shook off most of the mud
that still tried clinging to it.
While Donkey and Dragon tried shaking themselves clean, Shrek looked
down at his mud-spattered outfit, then sighed and turned around to
look across the other side of the log at Puss. The cat was on his
back, but lifting himself up to his elbows. He was covered with
watery mud from his trademark boots to his cavalier hat -- a hat
whose brim now drooped downwards at an angle and whose plume now
hung like a limp noodle. "Puss," Shrek asked, "are you okay?"
Puss took a moment to look over his soggy, muddy fur, and scowled.
A moment later he started unleashing a string of invectives in
Spanish.
"HEY!" Shrek said sharply. "Cut that out!" Shrek turned to see
Fiona and her mother standing up from their seats atop Dragon.
Shrek smiled, then added, "There's ladies present."
"Sorry, Boss," Puss said despondently, struggling to his feet. He
detached and started wringing out his cape, trying to maintain as
much dignity as he could.
Shrek hurried over as Dragon reached back and held out an open paw
to Fiona and her mother. Fiona retrieved two string-tied bundles of
garments from the floor of their 'carriage', tucked the bundles
under her left arm, and took her mother's left hand with her right
as the two royals cautiously stepped onto Dragon's proffered paw.
As Dragon carefully lowered them to the ground, Fiona caught Shrek's
eye. She smiled at him, her beautiful face filled with love and
excited anticipation, but with a hint of trepidation mixed in.
Shrek felt his heart pound a little harder in his chest, as it
always did when he saw Fiona smile at him. He smiled back, trying
to prevent any hint of his own misgivings from showing on his face.
As Dragon's paw reached the ground, Shrek bowed to Queen Lillian,
said, "Your Majesty," then held out a hand to help her down.
"Thank you, Shrek," the queen said with a warm smile, then took his
hand with her free one and the two ogres helped her step gingerly
off Dragon's paw onto the spongy ground. "It's good to see you
again," Lillian said once she had her footing, then leaned up and
kissed him on the cheek.
"Thank you," he said, blushing slightly and bowing again.
Shrek then turned back to Fiona, who was still standing on Dragon's
paw, and a deeper and more playful smile creased his face. "Your
Highness," he said, bowing to her as he had to her mother, then held
out his hand.
Fiona giggled. "My Prince," she said, curtseying back, then took
his proffered hand with her free one and allowed him to help her
down. Once down, they leaned forward and kissed each other on the
lips -- gingery, so as not to smear Fiona's blue lipstick or rub off
any of her black nosepaint.
They beheld each other for several seconds after the kiss broke.
She surely was a beautiful bride, he had to concede. Of course, she
had been a beautiful bride before. Now, in attire and makeup more
befitting an ogress about to be wed, she retained that beauty, and
glowed as brightly as before.
"Ye look beautiful," Shrek said.
"Really?" Fiona asked, staring into his eyes as if try to gage
whether he was saying that just to ease her apprehension or if he
really meant it.
"Really, really," Shrek confirmed, and Fiona apparently found in his
eyes what she was hoping for. Her smile beamed back at him.
Of course, Shrek would have found her beautiful even if she still
had the anemic skin tones, emaciated figure, and puny ears of her
human self. But that was Shrek. The only problem he currently had
was with her hair. The style was much more in keeping with the way
ogresses generally wore their hair, which was of course why Fiona
and Moyre had cut it that way -- one less non-conformity to attract
attention. Normally, Shrek had no problem with the style, and even
found it attractive -- on other ogresses. But it simply wasn't
Fiona, and if it wasn't Fiona -- well, then it wasn't right. He
looked forward to having this all behind them so she could grow it
back the way it belonged.
Shrek sighed and, forcing his mind back to practical matters, gazed
back up to the carriage attachment on Dragon's back. "Where's your
father?" he asked.
"I'm right here!" came Harold's voice from -- surprisingly --
Fiona's direction.
"Wha --" Shrek stammered, looking back towards Fiona. Then he saw
Harold's head poking out from atop the bundles Fiona held under her
arm, his small crown slightly askew. "Oh!" Shrek said, then knelt
on one knee, bowed, and said, "Your Majesty."
Harold smiled. "Shrek, please!" the frog said. "Like I said
before, just call me 'Dad'!" He then leaped from his perch on the
bundles into Lillian's waiting hands.
"Well, speaking of 'Dad's," Shrek said, turning towards his own
parents, who were approaching the quartet. "I'd like ye t'meet my
folks." Shrek cleared his throat and said, somewhat awkwardly,
"Queen Lillian and King Harold, I'd like ye t'meet my parents, my
mom, Moyre, and my dad Groyl."
Both older ogres bowed and said, "Your Majesties."
"Please, there's no need for formality" Lillian said. "We're all
family here."
"Indeed!" Harold echoed. "I must say, it's a privilege to finally
meet the parents of such an extraordinary young man!" The king then
paused, glanced over at Fiona, and asked, "Uh -- is 'man' a proper
term to use here? I don't mean to commit any inadvertent faux pas."
"Yes, 'man' is acceptable, from what I've been told," Fiona replied.
"Although we generally prefer the terms 'ogre' and 'ogress'."
Shrek couldn't help but grin. Fiona had actually said 'we' when
referring to ogres around her parents. Shrek still remembered that
painful first visit to Far Far Away and how Fiona, who had been
adjusting so well -- indeed, enthusiastically -- to her ogress self
after their marriage up until then, had started reverting once back
under her parents' roof. He recalled her dinner belch and her
embarrassed reaction to it, her humiliation over admitting their
living conditions, and how during their after-dinner spat the
greatest insult she could think to hurl at him was, 'You're behaving
like an ogre!' Now, to hear her say 'we' ... Shrek couldn't have
felt a stronger inner glow if he'd swallowed a fairy.
"So!" Lillian said, turning to Shrek's father. "Groyl, I must say,
your physical resemblance to your son is remarkable. It's easy to
see where Shrek gets his ... I mean, how Shrek has turned out to be
a chip off the old block."
"Aye," Groyl agreed, chuckling. "Although whether that's a good
thing or a bad thing is rather in the eye of the beholder, eh?"
Lillian smiled back coyly.
"To the devil with looks!" Harold said. "Groyl, if you're the
source of your son's bravery and fidelity, then you must be a
formidable ogre indeed!"
"I don't know about my own contribution," Groyl said, glancing at
Shrek, "but from what I've heard of his exploits, plus what I've
seen myself, I can tell ye that no father could be prouder of his
offspring than I am of mine."
"Sir," Harold responded, looking towards Fiona, "I fear we have
found the first issue over which we differ."
The newlyweds looked down and blushed in embarrassment, then looked
at each other and smiled.
"Well!" Moyre said, a grin on her lips and an odd gleam in her eye
as she beheld Fiona's parents. "So this is the couple that tried to
kill my daughter-in-law!"
There was a short, communal gasp, and then silence. Even the
ambient sounds of the swamp seemed to dissipate as everyone stared
at Moyre, slack-jawed and wide-eyed -- everyone that is except for
Puss, who was busy sitting on the log and cleaning off various mud-
spattered parts of his anatomy with his tongue.
"MOYRE!" Groyl eventually stammered. "How COULD you --"
"It's true, isn't it?" Moyre asked. "If it had been up to them,
then THAT ogress --" here Moyre pointed towards a mortified Fiona
"-- wouldn't exist today!"
"MOM!" Shrek said sharply. "Now's not the time --"
"Oh, then when is?" Moyre retorted, then addressed the shocked king
and queen. "If I understand what I've heard correctly, you two were
so embarrassed by your daughter's nightly visage and a few 'ogreish'
mannerisms that ye locked her out of sight every night while she was
growing up. Ye conditioned her to regard her nocturnal self with
the same contempt YOU did. And as soon as the opportunity arose, ye
gladly shipped her off t'spend years imprisoned in a tower with the
expectation that some big-haired human hunk would wipe away with a
kiss not only her ugly inhuman form but also expunge from her very
personality those things that made her unique, so that ye could get
back a prim, preening, polite and proper princess. I may as well
throw 'plastic' in with that, since what ye would have gotten back
would have been but a shell of the person ye locked away."
"MOYRE!" Fiona cried, finally finding her voice. "That's enough!
My father ... he had his own reasons ... his condition --"
"Fiona, dear, I understand that your father had his own identity
crisis," Moyre said. "And if that was enough to drive him t'sell
his soul to the Fairy Godmother, then I might have found some
sympathy. It's that he tried t'sell YOUR soul that irritates me.
Your husband, dear, is not the first ogre he tried to kill."
"That's not fair!" Fiona snarled, now starting to become angry. She
bore her teeth, balled her hands into fists, and stepped toward
Moyre. "My father --" the princess began.
"It's all right, Fiona," Harold said, waving her back. The frog
king then took a deep, labored breath and faced Moyre. "You mother-
in-law is quite correct. I was a fool."
"WE were fools," Lillian corrected him. "I went to Godmother with
you --"
"Yes, but it was ME that set the tone," Harold said to his wife.
Then to Moyre he said, "I see that you're a very direct person, and
that you've become rather fond of my daughter over the past weeks.
You've also grown rather close to her, I understand. I appreciate
that. Frankly, I envy that. While she was growing up I ... I was
never able to really open up with her. That blasted curse -- I mean
enchantment -- always got in the way. Or rather, I LET it get in
the way. I was never able to get it out of my mind. Whether it was
because I blamed myself, or blamed her, or -- well, it doesn't
matter now."
Harold paused for a moment, wiped impatiently at one eye, then
continued. "The fact is that you are right. When my daughter
needed me most I sent her away. For what it's worth, whatever other
agendas might have been prodding my pathetic soul or prejudices
filling my foolish mind, I was also inspired by love, and I really
did think that Fiona would be happier as a pure human. You can't
deny that life would have been easier for her. But now ... I see
how wrong I was. I realize now the tragedy of all the years I lost
with my daughter ... important, formative years ... years I can
never get back, but years that I would gladly give my right arm to
get back if I could."
Harold looked at Fiona. "Daughter," he said, "thank you for trying
to defend me. But there really is no defense. It doesn't matter,
though. For there's also no insult that your mother-in-law can toss
at me as bad as the ones I've thrown at myself ever since the night
of the ball whenever I think back and realize the sins I've
committed in ever trying to bury such a treasure as yourself."
Tears began to well in Fiona's eyes, but it was from the log where
Puss sat that a great sob could be heard. Everyone looked that
direction. The cat looked back, abashed. "Excusa me, please," he
said. "Uh ... a bit of mud got into my eye." He then took his
cape, tried to find a relatively dry spot, and dabbed at his eyes.
"But Dad," Fiona said, turning back toward Harold. "Like we agreed
on our ride over her, things turned out okay in the end. MORE than
okay."
"So the ends justify the means?" he asked doubtfully.
"In this case ... YES," Fiona said with resolve. Then she turned
towards Moyre. "And Mom, without the actions of my father, whether
you regard them as well-intentioned or not, I would never have met
your son. He'd still be brooding alone in his swamp. Is that what
you'd prefer?"
A corner of Moyre's mouth curled into a smile. "Indeed not," she
replied.
"Good!" Fiona said, now addressing the whole group. "Then we're all
agreed. Things may have been a bit bumpy at times, but it's all
worked out for the best. Hey, I'M the one that was locked in the
tower, guys. Although I echo my father's regret over the time I
missed with my parents, it turned out that it really WAS for my own
good. How could it NOT be, considering what I ended up with?" Here
she looked over at Shrek and smiled. He smiled back with humble
gratitude.
"So from this time forth," Fiona continued, "let us agree to leave
past recriminations and regrets behind us. With this second
ceremony we complete the joining of our separate families into one.
One very ... UNIQUE family, but one family nevertheless. We begin a
new journey today into an uncertain but exciting future. Let's make
that journey bound together with ties of love and acceptance, so
that if any of us stumbles, loved ones will be there to support them
and prevent their fall."
"Bravo, Fiona!" Lillian said, and applauded her daughter.
"Yes, Fiona," Harold said with pride. "Spoken with the spirit of a
true princess."
"And with the boldness of a true ogress," Groyl added.
"Aye," Moyre agreed. "Nice sentiments ... although a bit mushy."
She smiled playfully at her daughter-in-law. Fiona returned the
smile in kind, then shrugged.
"Sorry to break up this little touch-feely bondin' thing y'all got
goin'," Donkey suddenly injected. "But speakin' of journeys, don't
we need ta get goin' to the ceremony? The sun's startin' ta get a
little low."
"You're right, Donkey," Shrek agreed. "Fiona and I and our parents
need t'be going. But like I said b'fore, you and Dragon and Puss
need t'stay here."
"Ah, c'mon!" Donkey objected. "You weren't serious!"
"Donkey," Shrek explained, "after all that happened at Far Far Away,
Fiona and I are ... well, we're like celebrities, ESPECIALLY around
the ogre community. I mean, how many ogres get such press?
Honestly?"
"But Shrek --"
"No 'but's, Donkey," Shrek insisted. "I'm sorry, but if we show up
at the marriage ceremony with a talking Donkey, a boot-wearing cat,
and a red dragon in tow, then somebody might very well add it up and
figure out who we are. And if they do that, then they'll realize
Fiona's true background."
"Well ... I can stay quiet!" Donkey said.
Shrek raised a dubious eyebrow.
"Really, I can!" Donkey persisted.
"And I can leave my boots and outfit here, Senor," Puss offered,
then added irritably, "They need to dry anyway."
"I'm sorry guys," Shrek said, "we can't chance it. It's gonna be
tough enough getting away with this as it is. We'll meet ye back
here after the ceremony's done."
"We really do appreciate you wanting to be with us for the
ceremony," Fiona added. "And we thank you for coming this far with
us. You are all wonderful friends. Dragon, I especially want to
thank you for all the shuttle service you've been providing the past
couple of weeks. You've been fantastic."
Dragon smiled and tilted her head in acknowledgement.
Donkey sighed, then looked over at Moyre. "Hey, Moyre, this was
your idea," he said. "You REALLY think y'all can get away with
this?"
Moyre shrugged. "We're gonna give it our best shot," she said.
"Look, ogre ceremonies are pretty informal. There's no written
licenses. The rules are that all questions posed by the official
must be replied to truthfully. And, of course, that both principals
and their parents are ogres. So, all six of us will arrive t'take
part in the ceremony. An ogre groom, an ogress bride, ..." Here
Moyre reached into a pocket and withdrew two small dark green
bottles of potion and approached Harold and Lillian. Holding them
out to the couple, she concluded, "... and TWO sets of ogre parents.
We will present ourselves thus, and let presumptions work in Shrek
and Fiona's FAVOR for a change."
"And ya call that bein' truthful?" Donkey asked skeptically.
"It's being truthful ... enough," Moyre replied.
"So even if ya DO get away with this, what happens if they find out
they've been hoodwinked?" Donkey asked. "Can't they annul the
marriage?"
"Heavens, no!" Moyre replied. "Not as long as nobody lies during
the ceremony. Once they're pronounced married, that's it. End of
story. Bye-bye. See ye later."
"Besides," Groyl added, "to rule a marriage null and void after two
people have pledged their love and their lives to each other and
that emotional and spiritual bond has been sealed ... surely you've
been around ogres long enough t'know we aren't such hard-hearted
beasts as THAT."
As her in-laws were addressing Donkey, Fiona made her way over to
her own parents. Lillian was holding both bottles in one hand,
staring at them, while cradling Harold with her other arm.
Lillian's face was pale and her expression reticent as she beheld
the green containers. Harold was also looking at them, his
expression much the same.
"Again ... I can't tell you how grateful I am to the both of you for
agreeing to go through with this," Fiona said, blushing shyly and
holding out the two bundles of garments, one being Shrek's favorite
outfit and the other being the home-made ogress outfit she had
devised.
Harold looked up at his daughter and smiled. "Think nothing of it,
dear," he said, forcing joviality into his tone. "Once again, it's
the least I can do after all I put you through."
"After what WE put you through," Lillian corrected, also smiling at
her daughter. "It's quite all right, darling. Besides, this will
give us a little glimpse into your own world. That in itself is
worth the experience."
"Plus the irony IS rather delicious, is it not?" Harold chuckled,
and leapt off of Lillian's arm and onto the ground beside her.
"But, Fiona, you did say it would wear off after a couple of days,
right?"
"Oh, certainly!" Fiona confirmed. "At least that's what the witch
said."
"Well, if you can't trust a witch, who can you trust?" Harold said
wryly. Then he sighed and said, "Come, Lillian, and bring the new
clothes. We need to change for the wedding." He then hopped off
into the thick greenery surrounding the clearing.
Lillian groaned and rolled her eyes at her husband's droll remark,
then held her arms out toward her daughter for the bundles. As
Fiona handled them to her, the princess said, "Mom, again, thank you
SO much --"
"Tut tut, Fiona!" Lillian said, looking up into her daughter's face.
"You, Harold, and Shrek have all undergone changes -- physical and
otherwise -- for ones you love. It's a privilege for me to finally
be able to do the same."
Fiona smiled back. "You'd make a most noble ogress," she said.
"But unfortunately, remember what we discussed --"
"I know," Lillian said. "Dignity's out, shoddily's in. I'll do my
best."
"I'm sure you'll do great," Fiona said, and handed over the bundles.
As Lillian took them, the mother and daughter paused in the middle
of the transfer to give each other a hug. Eventually the hug broke.
"Oh!" Fiona said. "I almost forgot! Here ..." Fiona grasped her
wedding band between her right index finger and thumb, hesitated for
a moment, then pulled the ring off. She reluctantly placed it on
the top bundle in Lillian's arms. "Please take care of this," Fiona
said. "It's my most valuable possession." Her eyes drifted over to
Shrek and she added, "Well, MATERIAL possession, anyway."
"I quite understand," Lillian said as Fiona turned back towards her.
The queen smiled up at her daughter again, laid one hand
affectionately against the princess's cheek, then turned and
followed the path that her husband had taken into the greenery.
---------------------------------------------------
Some time later the wedding party had resumed their trip through the
bog -- all except for Donkey, Dragon, and Puss, who were left in the
clearing. Donkey had reluctantly settled down to wait and was
laying beside Dragon. Puss, in the meantime, was staring at the
path that the others had disappeared down a few minutes before.
After a few seconds more, he began slowly following it.
"PUSS!" Donkey called. "What are you doin'?! I distinctly heard
Shrek say that we were ta stay put!"
Puss turned back to Donkey. "I heard him also, amigo," he conceded.
"But please note that I did not say I agreed." Puss then turned
back and started down the path again.
"HEY!" Donkey said, jumping to his feet. "Puss, if you mess up
their weddin' --"
"I do not intend to 'mess up' anything," Puss responded, turning
back to Donkey again. "I plan to watch quietly from a hidden
position. I hope all I need to do IS watch. But our companions are
playing a dangerous game, compadre. If found out, they may make
certain other ogres angry -- ogres not so amiably inclined as
themselves. Should that happen, I plan to be there to lend my
services." Puss again turned back and started down the path after
the wedding party.
"But Puss ..." Donkey called again.
"You do not have to come, Donkey," Puss said, still walking and not
turning back this time. "You can stay with your dragon lady if you
are afraid."
"Afraid?!" Donkey bristled. "Who said anything about bein' afraid?
I ain't afraid! I just ..."
Puss did not answer and was now out of sight, having been enveloped
by the lush greenery a few yards down the path.
"AHHHH!" Donkey groaned in exasperation, then looked up at Dragon,
who was watching him curiously. "Look, Babe, I'm gonna tag along
just in the off chance Puss might be right for a change. It's only
s'posed ta be a couple or three miles down the path. You stay here.
Probably nothin' will happen and we'll be back in a while. But just
in the off chance it does ... well, just keep a sharp ear out in
case I need ta whistle for ya. Okay?"
Dragon nodded but appeared skeptical. She looked at the opening of
the path down which Puss had just disappeared, then she looked back
down at Donkey. She cocked her eyebrow critically.
"I know, I know," Donkey sputtered. "Don't say it."
Donkey then hurried down the path after Puss. He shortly caught up
with the feline.
"Hey!" Donkey said, "I thought you said your boots would stick in
the mud."
Puss shrugged and said, "I lied."