Layer 14: Wed Again
"NO!" Fiona cried. She let go of Shrek's hands and whirled towards
Dinkum. She rested her hands against the stump and looked
pleadingly at the crocodile, whose expression was one of sternly
repressed anger. "Please!" Fiona entreated. "We've come so far.
It means so much --"
"You all lied to me," Dinkum stated, his voice as cold as his blood.
"No we didn't! Not one of us told an overt lie --"
"You misrepresented yourselves. I'm sorry," Dinkum said, shutting
the book with an air of finality. "You're not an ogress born of ogre
parents. I cannot marry you. Those are the rules."
Fiona stared at the crocodile for several seconds. Then she felt
the rage begin. It started somewhere in the pit of her being and
quickly emanated outwards. She began to tremble. Her eyes narrowed
and her upper lip curled back. Dinkum's expression retreated from
one of anger to one of apprehension.
"Fiona ... sweetheart ..." Shrek ventured tentatively.
Fiona ignored him. "Rules?" she snarled at the crocodile. "We
don't need no stinking rules!"
With that the ogress suddenly leapt atop the stump, glared down at
the gawking crocodile for a moment, then reached down and grabbed
him by either side of his wide throat and pulled him upwards. As
everyone watching gasped Fiona held Dinkum over her head, still
grasping his throat while resting the weight of his chest on her
forearms. "You WILL marry us!" the princess demanded. "Just skip
to the end. 'Husband and wife.' Say it! 'HUSBAND AND WIFE'!"
"HEY!" Skungy called as the witnesses began to rise to their feet.
"Just WHAT do you think you're --"
Suddenly an orange blur flew in from out of the bog, bounced once on
the ground a few yards in front of the witnesses -- leaving behind a
small pair of boots standing upright beside a miniature hat -- and
then smacked against Skungy's chest just as the ogre was still at a
slightly awkward point as he rose to his feet. The ogre toppled
backwards over the log with a roar of surprised anger as the orange
thing catapulted from his chest back to where the boots stood and
landed in them perfectly. A moment later Puss drew his sword and
pointed it the witnesses.
"My apologies, amigos, for intruding upon this festive occasion," he
said, grabbing his hat with his free front paw and donning it. "But
I fear that your role here must remain one of witnesses, not
participants."
"Oh, my!" Lolly gasped.
"Look at that!" Drongo said.
"A little kitty!" Wanker added.
Skungy rose to his feet from behind the log. His fists were
clenched and he was obviously seething. "Oooo, I'll KILL that cat!"
he bellowed, and stepped back over the log.
"I don't THINK so!" Donkey called as he came galloping from the bog
to take a stance beside Puss. The equine then let loose with a
whistle so loud that Puss and the ogres -- except for Fiona, whose
attention was focused on Dinkum -- cringed. The whistle was
immediately answered by a distant but ominous roar.
"DONKEY!" Shrek growled. "I thought I told ye not t'follow us!"
"I wasn't followin' you, I was followin' HIM," Donkey responded,
nodding towards Puss.
"Puuuuss," Shrek said, staring crossly at the feline.
"Sorry, Boss," Puss said with a shrug. "But I thought you might
need a little help -- as, indeed, seems to be the case. Besides ...
curiosity got the better of me."
"That's gonna get ya in trouble one day, Puss," Donkey said.
"So I've heard," Puss admitted.
Suddenly Dragon landed with a dull thud in the marshy ground near
the witness log. The witnesses all gawked up at the leviathan, who
glared back down at them and bore her teeth. "Don't nobody move!"
Donkey commanded. "Red means STOP!"
Puss lowered his sword, as all the witnesses were now staring at
Dragon and had totally lost interest in him. The cat turned to
Donkey and mumbled, "Show off."
Donkey smirked back. "What can I say?" he asked. "When it comes ta
makin' an impression, it's hard ta beat a big old-fashioned fire-
breathin' dragon, even WITH all your pablum."
"That's APLOMB, Donkey!" Puss retorted.
"Yeah, whatever," Donkey said, then looked over to the stump where
Fiona still held Dinkum. "Go ahead, Princess," Donkey said, his
tone gentler.
"Well?" Fiona snarled at the crocodile.
"I ... can't ... do ... that," Dinkum choked out through his
constricted air passage.
"Yes you can!" Fiona rejoined. "TRY. 'Husband and wife'. SAY IT!"
"FIONA!" Shrek said sharply. "Let him go. Ye don't want this."
"Yes I do!"
"But not this way," he said, his voice softening. "Please.
Sweetheart. This isn't the type of marriage ye want."
"Shrek's quite right, Fiona," Lillian added. She had stood and had
taken a few steps towards the stump. "Trust me, dear. Is this
really what you wish to recollect in the years to come when you
remember your wedding day?"
"But Mom," Fiona said, "otherwise there won't BE a wedding day!"
"Perhaps not today," Lillian admitted, "but you already have your
first wedding day to look back on. That's all most of us have,
anyway."
"But THEY won't recognize it!" Fiona said, jerking her head toward
the witnesses, who had all started watching the proceedings at the
stump again.
"Like I said earlier, that's THEIR problem," Shrek said, looking
over at the group with distaste. "You'll always be my beautiful
bride. And we don't need THEIR okay t'make it so."
Fiona was trembling again, but not in anger this time. A tear
welled in one eye then trickled from its corner down her cheek.
Fiona stared up at Dinkum, then eased her grip on his throat.
"Please say it," she said, her tone no longer demanding but now soft
and pleading. "Please. It means so much."
"I ... I can't," Dinkum said. Then after a moment he added, "I'm
sorry."
"Fiona ... darling ..." Lillian entreated cautiously, "... I think
that maybe you should set the nice crocodile down now, dear."
Fiona sighed heavily, then nodded in resignation. "No," she said to
Dinkum. "I'M sorry." She carefully lowered the crocodile back to
his spot behind the stump. Dinkum coughed, rubbed his throat and
removed the glasses that had slipped askew on his snout.
Fiona climbed off of the stump, then collapsed beside it. She sat
there, her back against the stump, her knees propped up in front of
her. Then she buried her head in her arms, rested them against her
knees, and started crying. Shrek knelt down beside her, put an arm
across her shoulders and pulled her gently towards him. She rested
her head against his chest and continued to sob. Shrek leaned down
and softly kissed her head, then started tenderly stoking her hair.
Lillian beheld her daughter and son-in-law and felt tears trickle
down her own cheeks. Then she felt Harold slip his now large, long
arm around her now ample waist. She looked over into his face, into
the big expressive eyes that she could recognize and read no matter
what sort of features they were set into.
"We tried, Lilly," he said sadly, taking her broad, rough green hand
in his own and kissing it. "We did the best we could for her."
"I just wish we could do more," Lillian said.
Harold looked down at his daughter and sighed. "So do I," he said.
Just then Moyre stood. Her face was not sad in commiseration. It
was angry. She strode to the log before which the witnesses stood
and glared at them. "So!" she began. "Are ye happy now? Are ye
satisfied? You've preserved your precious status quo. Don't ye
just feel all superior!"
"Look, lady," Skungy retorted, "YOU'RE the ones who came waltzing in
here under false pretenses and --"
"False pretenses?!" Moyre shot back. "HA! We came here for a
wedding. For a joining of our offspring in a bond of love and
dedication. There was nothing 'false' about that -- in fact, it is
the truest, purest of intentions a couple could ever have! Whatever
'pretenses' we made were but t'appease your sense of adherence to
some arbitrary rules about purity and parentage."
"But it's our tradition --" Lolly began.
"Tradition be hanged!" Moyre shouted. "That tradition was born of
xenophobic fears over magically transformed ogres with no sense of
ogredom polluting our precious species. But this ogre --" here she
pointed at Fiona, "this ogre's different. She was not forced to be
a part of our species against her will as part of some punishment.
She CHOSE t'be an ogre. You've apparently read the accounts. She
could've chosen to remain one of the most beautiful human princess
on the face of the earth, and have had my son remain one of the most
handsome human men. They could be living in ease and luxury and
wealth. But she CHOSE our species, our appearance, our way of life.
And even though they're already married in a ceremony that's
recognized by every other species from gnomes to giants, she simply
wants recognition by the one species that DOESN'T sanction their
union, the one that really matters to her, the one she chose. She's
paying ye an honor -- paying us ALL an honor -- and ye slap her in
the face by rejecting her."
The witnesses were looking around at each other -- at least Lolly,
Drongo and Wanker were -- with growing unease.
But Skungy still stared defiantly at Moyre, his jaw still set. Then
he said, "If you think you can change our minds by just spewing a
little bleeding-heart hooey around --"
"Bull!" Moyre cut him off. "Y'know -- Skungy, is it? -- t'be
honest, a month ago I'd be sitting there on that log beside ye,
thinking the same way, defending the same hokum. When I first met
my daughter-in-law, I treated her like the interloper that I've
since learned our 'tradition' was built to 'protect' us from. But
ye know what? The more I learned about Fiona, the more I realized
how much of a true ogre she is. Her attitudes, her tastes, her
behavior, her wants and desires, her dedication, and her bravery --
all make her more than worthy of the title 'ogress'. More so than
me, frankly. She's no interloper. She's as true-green as they
come. She's a credit to our species. And it's a DISCREDIT to our
species to deny her the marriage she deserves. Good Heavens, if
there's ANY ogre marriage worthy of recognition, it's the one
between these two!"
At some point during Moyre's discourse Fiona had stopped crying.
She lifted her head from Shrek's chest -- leaving a black smudge on
his shirt where a little of her nosepaint had rubbed off -- and
stared at her mother-in-law for several seconds with gratitude.
Then the princess's reddened eyes drifted toward the witnesses.
Fiona really didn't want to let her hopes build up yet again ... and
yet she couldn't help it.
Skungy's jaw worked wordlessly behind his closed, frowning mouth.
He seemed to be considering. He was about to say something when
suddenly Groyl spoke. "You realize the irony here, Skungy?" Shrek's
father asked as he strolled forward to stand beside Moyre. "We
ogres take pride in our individualism, our distain for conformity,
out distaste for rules that limit our self-expression. Yet here ye
are defending a tradition that forces conformity and values blind
obedience to an outdated rule over expressed wishes of two ogres
t'be wed."
"He's got a point, Skungy," Wanker said. "I mean ... how would you
feel if you found out that, say, Lolly's father was a troll?"
Skungy jerked his head toward Wanker. "He's NOT a troll!" Skungy
shot back.
"I know," Wanker said. "But I'm just saying ... what IF he were?
Would it change how you feel about her, knowing you couldn't marry
her?"
"Marriage?!" Skungy said, a streak of nervousness undercutting his
irritability. "Who said anything about marriage?" Then he looked
back at Lolly. She was looking away from him and biting her lower
lip. "Oh!" Skungy said, instantly remorseful. "Lolly, I'm sorry!
I didn't mean --"
She looked back at him and smiled meekly. "It's all right," she
said. "But I think we get their point. What IF one of my parents
weren't an ogre? Is that really so important?"
"No ... but ... we ... our ..." Skungy stammered, confused. Then he
looked skywards, lifted his arms to the heavens, and shouted at the
top of his lungs, "TRA-DI-TION!"
Skungy's voice echoed throughout the bog. Some startled birds in
nearby trees flew away, and the ambient creature sounds died down
for a few moments.
Skungy dropped his gaze from the unanswering sky and looked around
him. All eyes were trained on him in mute curiosity.
Skungy shrugged and lowered his arms. Then he looked at Shrek's
parents and scowled. "Okay," he said. "Let's suppose I were to
agree with you -- and I'm not saying I am. Your problem is, I'M not
the one who makes the call as to whether to perform the ceremony.
HE is." Here Skungy pointed back towards Dinkum, who still stood
behind the stump.
All eyes turned toward Dinkum. "I'm sorry, mates," the crocodile
apologized. "I really am, honestly. But I've taken an oath to
enforce the rules. I don't get to make 'em. Maybe if you bring it
up at your next Grand Council, they could modify the code to
redefine what constitutes an acceptable marriage -- "
"If ye ask me it was a mistake to muck around with the law to codify
that tradition in the first place," Shrek commented.
"'Traditions'," Fiona said with distaste. "It's tradition that
keeps ogres from recognizing our marriage. It's tradition that
drives humans to hound us. What GOOD are traditions, anyway?"
"Oh, traditions can be a TREMENDOUS good, dear," Lillian replied.
"Traditions help shape and define our various cultures. They help
remind us of who we are, and help us celebrate that which makes us
unique, whether it is for a species or for any particular national,
ethnic, religious, or other subgroup within that species. When you
and Shrek fell in love and wanted to live together -- you didn't
just start sharing the same domicile, you decided to go through a
marriage ceremony. I'm guessing that by the end of that ceremony
you each had changed the way you viewed yourselves and each other.
That ceremony was a tradition, and the way it changed your
viewpoints was a demonstration of its power. Was that bad?"
"No," Fiona conceded, looking up at Shrek, the memory of the
ceremony causing her to smile. It was a smile he returned. "It was
quite good, actually," she added.
"So you see?" Lillian said. She took a deep breath, and then
continued more pensively. "The problem comes when traditions are
used not to celebrate commonalities and validate togetherness, but
rather to exacerbate differences and excuse exclusion. Traditions
are ... well, they're like fire. If used wisely, they can enlighten
our minds and warm our spirits. If used recklessly, or as a weapon
to justify bigotry when no rational justification can be found ...
then innocent people can get burned."
"Y'know, I've got some Wiccan friends who'd certainly agree with
that!" Drongo suddenly injected. "In fact, I knew this one witch
who --"
"I think what my wife is trying to say," Harold interrupted, "is
that instead of blindly adhering to a tradition for the sake of
tradition, you should first examine it. What have you to lose by
doing so? If the tradition is good, then you'll have a better
appreciation of its origin and significance. If it's outdated, or
flawed, then you'll be in a position to discard it and perhaps start
new, better ones. True, it may require the courage of an open mind
and the pain of a paradigm shift, but ..." here Harold looked at his
daughter and son-in-law, smiled, and said, "... believe me, if a
stubborn old fool like me can do it, then I'm sure anybody can."
"And THIS stubborn old fool agrees!" Moyre concurred. "What IS the
spirit behind the marriage tradition, anyway? Isn't it to celebrate
the joining of two like spirits in a sacred union? The cementing of
a cherished relationship that both parties enter into freely of
their own wills as they lay the foundation of a loving family?
Trying to get a marriage to work ... especially between a couple
that don't conform to society's expectations ... is hard enough
without our institutionalized prejudices holding them apart --"
"WAIT! PLEASE!" Dinkum shouted in frustration. "It's not the
'spirit' of the marriage ceremony that's the problem! It's my duty
to enforce the LETTER of the thing. And the letter of the
restriction says that both parties must be ogres, and both sets of
birth parents must be ogres. That may change some day, but I'm
sorry to say that for today that's just the way it is!"
Everyone fell silent. A depressed pall fell over the clearing for
several seconds.
Then Donkey spoke. "Well ... that's what you have now, isn't it?"
he asked.
Everyone stared perplexedly at the equine.
"Oh, for the love of Pete!" Shrek moaned. "Donkey haven't ye --"
Shrek's protests were suddenly cut off as Fiona placed her hand over
his mouth.
"Go ahead, Donkey," the princess urged, a glimmer of hope in her
voice. "Tell us what you mean."
"I mean ... well, Shrek's an ogre, and you're an ogre, and his
parents are ogres, and your parents are ogres --"
"What do you mean, they're ogres?" Skungy objected. "Neither of her
parents are ogres!"
"Uh, HELLO!" Donkey retorted. "They sure look like ogres to me!
Y'know, green skin, big stinky bods, ears that double as funnels,
stuff like that?"
"He's right!" Moyre exclaimed. "These aren't COSTUMES!" She
enthusiastically grabbed Harold's ear to demonstrate.
"OW!" Harold screamed.
"See?" Moyre asked.
"But they aren't NATURAL ogres!" Dinkum pointed out. "And they
weren't ogres when their daughter was born."
"So what?" Donkey asked. "They ARE her birth parents. And they ARE
ogres. Okay, so maybe they ain't ogres twenty-four seven three
sixty-five, but TODAY they're ogres. And SHE'S an ogre. So TODAY
they fit your little rule -- both her and Shrek are ogres, and their
birth parents are all ogres. So why can't ya marry them -- TODAY?"
Dinkum seemed to mull Donkey's words for quite some time, his jaw
moving around as he considered. Fiona, with assistance from Shrek,
stood up from where she had been leaning against the stump, and
together the newlyweds joined all the others in the clearing who
were staring at the reptile in anticipation.
The crocodile at last looked directly at Fiona and Shrek. "You two
have memorized your vows, I assume?"
The two nodded anxiously.
"All right, I may need to answer for this, and it's been a terribly
good wicket, but ... crikey, it's a shame to see you and your folks
waste all that you all went through, even if some of it wasn't on
the up-and-up. But your hearts seem pure enough, and you're
certainly dedicated. Okay, join hands and face each other. Let's
hear those vows."
Fiona squealed with joy. She whirled toward Shrek, embraced his
cheeks with her hands and kissed him hard on his lips. She then
released him and turned towards Dinkum. "Thank you!" she bubbled.
The crocodile shrugged. "Don't thank me. Thank them," he replied,
gesturing with his snout at her family, both immediate and extended.
"I plan to," she said, then turned and faced them. "Thank you!" she
said to all of them. Then she looked specifically to her parents.
"For all that you've done for me. For agreeing to change your very
selves for my benefit. For speaking up for me when I needed you.
Thank you so much!"
"You're quite welcome, my child," Harold said. "I'm glad for the
opportunity to make up a little for my past failings."
"For OUR failings," Lillian said. "Plus, we're actually grateful to
you for giving us this opportunity to see things from a little
closer to your perspective for a while, dear. I think it will do us
all some good, and perhaps bring us closer together."
"Here here!" Harold seconded.
Fiona smiled appreciatively at her parents. Then she turned to her
in-laws. "Groyl, Moyre, what more can I say? I've known you such a
short time, yet I already love you as family."
"And we feel quite the same, Fiona," Groyl replied. "We're just
very happy that our son was fortunate t'end up with a bride like
you. In fact, he's likely the MOST fortunate ogre in his choice of
mates since ... well, since me." Here Groyl winked at Moyre, who
smiled and punched him playfully in the arm.
Fiona grinned at Moyre. "Mom ... you really ARE my second mom.
Thank you. None of this would have been possible without your
inspiration, determination, and then in the end, your championing of
me here. You make a wonderful advocate."
Moyre shrugged. "It wasn't hard," she said. "After all, I had an
exceptional client." The two ogresses smiled at each other, then
Moyre said, "Go on, now. Make my son even happier ... if that's
possible."
"I plan to try," Fiona chuckled, "but first ..." She turned towards
Donkey. "My noble and loyal friend," she said lovingly. "Once
again you've shown bravery in coming to my defense, and wisdom in
realizing a path through the obstacles that threatened our second
marriage. I am even further in your debt."
"Hey, Princess, don't worry about it," Donkey said shyly. "After
all, that's just part of the duties of a noble steed, y'know?"
Fiona smiled at Donkey a few seconds longer, then turned to Puss and
Dragon. "And to you, my friends," she said, "thank you so much for
your courage, your service, and your friendship. I am very, very
grateful."
Dragon briefly dipped her head in recognition, but Puss took off his
hat, bowed deeply and, with a flourish, proclaimed, "It is an honor
to be of service, Princesa. If there is anything else that you or
your noble husband needs in the future, do not hesitate to call. I
remain your humble and obedient servant." Dragon rolled her eyes.
Fiona fought back a grin, and instead returned Puss's bow.
Fiona then looked at the witnesses. "And thank you all for
understanding," she said.
"No problem, Princess," Lolly said. "We're all happy that we could
find a way past the parentage restriction. Right Skungy?"
Skungy mumbled something unintelligible.
"I said RIGHT, Skungy?" Lolly repeated.
"Sure! Right!" Skungy said irritably. Then his tone softened, and
he added, "My ... uh ... objections were nothing personal. Good
luck to you both ... really. Right, guys?"
"Right!" Drongo and Wanker echoed.
"Thank you," Fiona said.
"You're welcome," Skungy said. "Okay, it's settled. We all like
you. We really like you. Now, are you done with all your 'thank
you's, or do we need to signal the band to start playing some
music?" Skungy then gave a soft 'oof' as Lolly elbowed him in the
ribs.
Fiona smirked and nodded her acknowledgement to Skungy, then turned
back to Shrek.
"Hi there," her husband said with a little grin. "Remember me?
Your old pal, Shrek?"
"How could I not? You're quite unforgettable," Fiona laughed as she
approached him. She took his hands in hers and they faced each
other again before the stump. Dinkum had his glasses back on and
his book was open and laying on the natural podium. As he paged
through it, Fiona whispered coyly over to Shrek, "I'll thank YOU
later." Shrek blushed.
"All righty, then!" Dinkum said, having apparently found the page he
was searching for. Then he started reading. "We're assembled here
as bare witnesses -- I'm sorry," Dinkum checked himself, readjusted
his glasses, cleared his throat, then started again. "We're
assembled here to bear witness to the hitching of these two ogres,
Fiona and Shrek, with the common yoke of matrimony. May this yoke
bind them and allow them to support one another, two individuals who
have chosen not to sacrifice their individuality but rather to share
it and form a whole greater than the sum of it parts; a new, shared
life as together they work toward common visions and common dreams.
Now, as it the custom of ogres, the participants will confirm their
love and commitment in their own words. Fiona, you may begin when
ready."
Fiona smirked as she recalled the lines she was to recite as part of
the vows that she and Shrek had composed for each other in what he
had insisted was classic ogre wedding style. She glanced almost
involuntarily at her parents, and blushed. Then she cleared her
throat, took a deep breath, looked into Shrek's smiling face, and
began:
"Your balding head
Your bushy brow
I see them and
I think, 'Like, wow!'"
Shrek chuckled, then recited:
"Your longish ears
Your pudgy nose
They thrill me dear
From head to toes."
Fiona giggled, then said:
"When we hug tight
Thy portly mass
Excites me so
I might pass gas!"
Off to the side Harold moaned and reached up to rub his temples.
Lillian, still watching her daughter with a benevolent smile,
elbowed him in the ribs. The king grunted almost inaudibly then
lowered his arm and concentrated on watching his daughter, forcing a
smile as Shrek spoke his rejoinder:
"When I embrace
Your rotund form
You fill my arms
And make me warm."
Fiona, feeling more relaxed, responded:
"Thy beastly breath
Doth make me sway
You ne'ertheless
Take mine away."
Shrek:
"Your visage makes
Some humans faint
But as for me
I think it's great!"
Fiona:
"Your face it breaks
My mirrors dear
But at your side
I feel no fear."
Shrek:
"Your temper burns
Like fire hot
But life sans you?
Oh, I think not!"
Fiona laughed, then her face grew a little more serious. It was
time for the last exchange, the one that meant the most. She sighed
deeply, peered through Shrek's big brown eyes into his soul, and
then spoke:
"Together we
Face life anew
Forever yours
I'll remain true."
Shrek paused, lost in Fiona's own deep blue eyes. After a few
seconds he concluded:
"This wedding vow
I take to heart
I'm yours too, Love
We'll never part."
"Very nicely done," Dinkum said as the two ogres continued to stare
transfixedly at each other. "And now, Shrek, the wax."
"Huh?" Shrek asked, still lost in Fiona's blue heavenly eyes.
"Wax. It's time for the wax," Dinkum said.
"Oh!" Shrek said, dragging himself back to reality. He reached
inside one of his ears and with a little effort pulled out a
significant glob of earwax with a couple of hairs sticking in it.
He handed it to Dinkum.
"Excellent wad, mate!" Dinkum complimented him. Then he looked over
to Fiona. "Your turn, Princess," he said.
Fiona sighed and, trying to avoid looking at her parents, carefully
reached into one of her own ears. A moment later she pulled out a
decent sized glob of wax, although only about half as much as
Shrek's. Nevertheless, Dinkum said, "Excellent!" and took it from
her.
Dinkum them took a few seconds to kneed the two wads together,
forming one waxy mass which he sat in the middle of the stump. In
the center of the mass he entwined one of Shrek's ear hairs with one
of Fiona's so that he had one large earwax candle. Dinkum then
struck a match and, as he lit the candle, said, "The lighting of
this candle, formed from their joined bodily detritus, represents
the joining of Fiona and Shrek and the start of their new life
together. May their passion for living and for each other burn much
brighter and far longer. Ogres and ogresses ... and other guests
... it is my honor to present to you Shrek and Fiona, husband and
wife."
Fiona again squealed in joy. It was done! They had actually pulled
it off, and they were recognized in full honesty for who they were.
She threw herself into Shrek's arms and together they shared a long,
hard, passionate kiss.
"Aawww," all the ogres said -- all but Skungy, who simply stood,
cross-armed, watching the couple. His face bore a stubborn tight-
lipped expression which drew a giggle from Lolly.
"Blast!" Puss said, rubbing his eyes and nose. "I think I am
developing an allergy to this swamp grass."
"Yeah, right," Donkey said understandingly, his own eyes glistening.
"Whatever you say, Puss."
Eventually the kiss broke. Shrek and Fiona stared lovingly into
each other's eyes for a few seconds more, then Shrek clasped Fiona's
right hand with his left one and they turned to stand side-by-side
and face the witnesses, their family, and their friends.
Harold and Lillian applauded, but soon ceased when they realized
they were the only two doing so. All the other ogres -- Moyre and
Groyl as well as the witnesses, even Skungy this time -- were
reaching down and prying up clods of wet soil and mud from the
marshy ground. Then they stood and, smiling, threw the clumps at
the twice-newlyweds. Shrek and Fiona laughed and shielded their
faces as their bodies and wedding clothes were pelted by the mucky
barrage.
"Well, if there isn't anything else, then are you two ready for the
wedding suite?" Dinkum asked.
"Yes!" Fiona and Shrek said together. Then they looked at each
other, smiled deeply and blushed yet again.
"Oh, Fiona, wait!" Lillian called. "One more thing!" She then
turned to Harold and said, "Harold, give Fiona back her ring."
"Ring?" Harold asked.
"The one I gave you for safe keeping," Lillian explained.
"Ah! Of course!" Harold said, then started feeling about his
unfamiliar outfit. "I know I put it here somewhere ..." he mumbled.
"Haroooold ..." Lillian coaxed, becoming a bit impatient and
slightly concerned.
"Yes, dear. I'm DOING it, dear," Harold returned as he continued
searching the outfit. "Ah! Here it is!" he soon said, and pulled
the ring out from the inside of his vest. He looked over at his
daughter, smiled, and said, "Here you go, sweetheart," and then
tossed it to her.
Fiona watched the ring in flight. She lifted her left hand, ring
finger extended, intending to catch the ring as she had caught it in
the air just after it was first forged. But just before it reached
her finger Shrek said, "Oh no ye don't!" and snatched it.
"Hey!" Fiona protested. "What gives?"
"I do," Shrek said. "That is, I want t'give this to ye ... properly
this time." He then tenderly took her left hand and gently slid the
ring onto her ring finger. Once back in place, the 'I Love You'
inscription glowed again, briefly but brightly.
Fiona stared at her ring for a few seconds, then smiled up at her
husband. She reached up and stoked his broad right cheek with her
left hand. "My precious," she cooed.
Shrek took her hand and kissed it. Then he grinned and asked, "Are
ye ready?"
"Very much so," she said, returning the grin.
"Okay then!" Shrek said, then suddenly reached down and scooped
Fiona up into his arms as she gave a whoop of surprise and glee.
"Right this way," Dinkum said, and led the newlyweds past the edge
of the clearing to an area a few yards into the bog. There was a
hole there roughly six feet in diameter that descended into
darkness. A ladder poked out of that darkness at a roughly fifty
degree angle where it lay against the hole's rim. Shrek stepped
towards the ladder.
"Whoa whoa whoa!" Donkey stammered, startling Shrek and nearly
causing him to drop Fiona. "Time OUT, Shrek! You call that a
'weddin' suite'? A hole in the ground?"
"We sure do, mate!" Dinkum said. "It's not just a hole in the
ground. That's only the entrance. There's nice, humid little cave
down there!"
"A humid little cave? That's a crock!" Donkey said.
Dinkum frowned at Donkey's choice of words.
Donkey turned to Shrek. "Shrek, ain't we had enough of holes in the
ground for -- like -- a LIFETIME or two? You two aren't really
goin' down there, are ya?"
"Yes, Donkey," Shrek said, his voice betraying his annoyance at
being followed. "That's part of the nuptial ceremony. Or rather,
the POST-nuptial ceremony." Shrek tried to use voice inflection and
facial gestures to indicate to Donkey what he meant, but it all flew
over the equine's head.
"But ya don't wanna go down THERE!" Donkey insisted, staring down
into the gloom. "I mean, there must be all kinda spooky, slithery,
creepy-crawly critters down there! Things like ... like SNAKES an'
... an' SPIDERS. I HATE spiders, Shrek! Why don'cha let me see if
there's a vacancy over at Fairytale Falls? It's off-season now, so
the rates are probably GREAT!"
"Donkey!" Shrek said, unable to keep himself from snickering at the
agitated animal. "We're okay. Really!"
"But I don't get it, Shrek," Donkey said.
"You're not supposed to," Fiona said, then grinned at her husband
and added, "It's an ogre thing." Shrek laughed and started
carefully stepping down the rungs of the ladder, still carrying
Fiona in his arms.
"But Shrek --" Donkey persisted.
"Have Dragon pick us up here about noon tomorrow, and we'll all have
that party back at our swamp tomorrow evening like we planned,"
Shrek said as the newlyweds descended into the darkness. "Until
then ... end of story. Bye-bye. See ye later!"
"But Shrek --"
"Good night, Donkey," Fiona's sweet voice arose from the darkness.
"Well ... okay ..." Donkey said reluctantly. "But ... well, if
ya'll see some big tall guy down there wearin' a black cloak an'
helmet with a bad case of asthma, then you'd better --"
"Good night, Donkey!" Shrek and Fiona's voices rose in unison from
deeper in the darkness. Shortly afterwards Donkey thought he heard
the sound of giggling.
"C'mon, mate," Dinkum said. "Time to leave your cobbers alone.
They'll be fine. Trust me. We haven't lost a couple yet!"
"Ummmm ... okay, I guess," Donkey said, and grudgingly followed the
crocodile back into the clearing.
Shrek's parents and Fiona's parents were grouped together,
chattering happily away to each other. They were apparently
engrossed in comparing notes and telling stories about the
challenges, adventures, and rewards of raising their respective
offspring -- at least until each was booted out.
The other ogres had also formed their own little group and were
recounting the events of the day and the celebrity marriage they had
witnessed -- one which Donkey hoped would last.
"Incredible," Skungy was saying. "He actually fell in love with her
when she was human."
"Is that so hard to believe?" Lolly asked. "After all, SOME ogres
are able to look PAST appearances and love the person inside."
"What do you mean by that?" Skungy asked. "Are you talking about
ME?"
Lolly looked down and shrugged. She remained sullenly silent for
quite some time.
"Are you all right, Lol?" Drongo asked.
"Yeah. Why so quiet so sudden?" Wanker added.
Lolly shrugged again, then looked up at Skungy and said, "Well ...
you didn't seem so interested before I gained that weight. Before I
left ... when I was thinner ... you treated me okay, but not with as
much attention as today."
"What?!" Skungy gasped. "Lolly! I ... always felt ... this way
about you. Maybe before I didn't realize how much you meant ... I
mean, we've been apart so long while you were in the countryside ...
Lolly, I've always felt the same way! I ... I love you, Lol."
"Really?" she asked, looking into his eyes.
"Absolutely!" Skungy said.
"So ... it's not just the weight gain? You love me just as I am?
Even if I were to be thinner?"
"Of course!"
"Because -- well, to be honest, I haven't been vacationing in the
countryside. I've been at a fat farm, trying to grow bigger because
... well, I thought you'd like me more if I looked more appealing."
"What?!" Skungy gasped. "Lolly, you don't need to do that! I love
you for you! It doesn't matter if you weigh a robust four hundred
pounds or a skimpy three hundred!"
"Are you sure? Because, to be honest, I don't like having to eat
five full meals a day to maintain this size. I know it's odd for an
ogress but ... well, I LIKE being thinner. It's just more me. I
know that sounds weird. I ... hope that doesn't disappoint you."
"Lolly, that's not a problem at all!" Skungy insisted.
"And my hair," she continued. "I don't like pouring that goop on it
to keep down the luster, either. It's really a pain. It feels so
much better when I let it go natural, even if it does have a ...
natural sheen. I know that's another nonconformity. I'm sorry. I
don't want to embarrass you --"
"Embarrass me?!" Skungy said. "You? Hardly! Lolly, I love YOU.
Who CARES what others think? I don't mind what you weigh, and as
far as I'm concerned you hair can glow like a fairy in heat!"
Lolly giggled. Her laughter came to a sudden halt, however, when
Skungy knelt on one knee. "Lolly," he said, "would you do me the
honor of marrying me?"
Lolly's jaw dropped. Then a smile bubbled onto her face. "The
honor ... would be MINE!" she said. "But ... are you sure you want
to ask me now?"
"Of course!" Skungy replied, rising to his feet. "I don't want to
take a chance on losing my Lolly!" He then took Lolly into his arms
for a long, passionate kiss of their own.
"Good job, mate!" Wanker said, and pounded Skungy on the back.
"Darn right! Congratulations, you two!" Drongo added.
The kiss eventually ended. Lolly and Skungy smiled at each other,
then Skungy looked over to the stump to see Dinkum packing away his
book and glasses. "Hey, Dinkum!" Skungy called. "We need to speak
with you ... about arranging another marriage!"
Dinkum looked at Skungy and Lolly, then laughed and said, "Well!
It's about time, mate!"
Lolly laughed as well and the four ogres headed over to where Dinkum
stood waiting.
"As the French say, 'Ah, l'amour', eh amigo?" Puss commented.
Donkey looked over, startled by the cat's sudden appearance at his
side. "What's that ya say, man?" he asked.
"It seems that our newlyweds' fever is contagious," Puss explained,
nodding over to where Skungy and Lolly were in deep in conversation
with Dinkum, large smiles plastered on the ogres' faces. "Speaking
of which, where is our happy couple now?"
"Oh, they dropped down a hole," Donkey said.
"Pardon?" Puss asked, confused.
"They checked into a cave for the rest of the evening," Donkey
explained. "It's 'an ogre thing'."
"Ah! Of course," Puss said. "Don't look so critical, Donkey! I,
myself, was conceived in a back alley between an overturned orange
crate and --"
"Hey, man, do we gotta go there?" Donkey asked, then looked up at
Dragon. "You set ta go, babe? We'll come back an' pick up Fiona
and Shrek tomorrow 'round noon."
Dragon smiled and nodded.
"Good!" Donkey said. "Now we just gotta wait for Fiona's parents
an' --"
"We're right here, Donkey," Lillian said from behind Donkey.
"Oh!" Donkey said, turning around to see the king and queen standing
together, still looking so strange in their ogre bodies. "Um, are
you ready to go, Your Majesties? We can take ya right to your
castle --"
"Actually," Lillian said, "if you don't mind Donkey ... um ..."
The queen blushed and looked shyly over to Harold, a little grin on
her face. The king continued, "What Lilly is trying to say, is ...
while the two of us are back in a ... compatible form ... well,
there is a nice private chateau by a pleasant little lake resort we
enjoyed when we were younger ... and the lily pads should be in
bloom there ..." Harold looked at Lillian, who was still grinning
meekly at him. He grinned back.
"What did I tell you, Donkey?" Puss whispered slyly. "A sweet
contagion, no?"
Donkey smirked down at Puss, then smiled up at the king and queen.
"Say no more, your Majesties! Dragon can drop you off anywhere ya
want ta go. Can't ya, babe?" Donkey asked the last question while
turning to look up at his lifemate.
Instead of simply nodding, Dragon looked at Donkey and made some
mournful sounds as if she were talking.
"Say what?" Donkey asked, his smile vanishing.
Dragon made some more sounds.
"Oh. Okay, then. Sure, babe. Uh, no problem," Donkey stammered
sullenly. If it were possible for a donkey to blanch, Donkey did so
at that moment.
"What's the matter, compadre?" Puss asked, concerned.
"Well, after all this transportin's done and we finish with the
party and everything tomorrow, Dragon wants her and me and the kids
ta pack up and take a trip," Donkey replied.
"Really?" Puss said. "Where to?"
"The land where she was hatched," Donkey answered. He gulped, then
added, "She wants me to meet MY in-laws!"
"NO!" Fiona cried. She let go of Shrek's hands and whirled towards
Dinkum. She rested her hands against the stump and looked
pleadingly at the crocodile, whose expression was one of sternly
repressed anger. "Please!" Fiona entreated. "We've come so far.
It means so much --"
"You all lied to me," Dinkum stated, his voice as cold as his blood.
"No we didn't! Not one of us told an overt lie --"
"You misrepresented yourselves. I'm sorry," Dinkum said, shutting
the book with an air of finality. "You're not an ogress born of ogre
parents. I cannot marry you. Those are the rules."
Fiona stared at the crocodile for several seconds. Then she felt
the rage begin. It started somewhere in the pit of her being and
quickly emanated outwards. She began to tremble. Her eyes narrowed
and her upper lip curled back. Dinkum's expression retreated from
one of anger to one of apprehension.
"Fiona ... sweetheart ..." Shrek ventured tentatively.
Fiona ignored him. "Rules?" she snarled at the crocodile. "We
don't need no stinking rules!"
With that the ogress suddenly leapt atop the stump, glared down at
the gawking crocodile for a moment, then reached down and grabbed
him by either side of his wide throat and pulled him upwards. As
everyone watching gasped Fiona held Dinkum over her head, still
grasping his throat while resting the weight of his chest on her
forearms. "You WILL marry us!" the princess demanded. "Just skip
to the end. 'Husband and wife.' Say it! 'HUSBAND AND WIFE'!"
"HEY!" Skungy called as the witnesses began to rise to their feet.
"Just WHAT do you think you're --"
Suddenly an orange blur flew in from out of the bog, bounced once on
the ground a few yards in front of the witnesses -- leaving behind a
small pair of boots standing upright beside a miniature hat -- and
then smacked against Skungy's chest just as the ogre was still at a
slightly awkward point as he rose to his feet. The ogre toppled
backwards over the log with a roar of surprised anger as the orange
thing catapulted from his chest back to where the boots stood and
landed in them perfectly. A moment later Puss drew his sword and
pointed it the witnesses.
"My apologies, amigos, for intruding upon this festive occasion," he
said, grabbing his hat with his free front paw and donning it. "But
I fear that your role here must remain one of witnesses, not
participants."
"Oh, my!" Lolly gasped.
"Look at that!" Drongo said.
"A little kitty!" Wanker added.
Skungy rose to his feet from behind the log. His fists were
clenched and he was obviously seething. "Oooo, I'll KILL that cat!"
he bellowed, and stepped back over the log.
"I don't THINK so!" Donkey called as he came galloping from the bog
to take a stance beside Puss. The equine then let loose with a
whistle so loud that Puss and the ogres -- except for Fiona, whose
attention was focused on Dinkum -- cringed. The whistle was
immediately answered by a distant but ominous roar.
"DONKEY!" Shrek growled. "I thought I told ye not t'follow us!"
"I wasn't followin' you, I was followin' HIM," Donkey responded,
nodding towards Puss.
"Puuuuss," Shrek said, staring crossly at the feline.
"Sorry, Boss," Puss said with a shrug. "But I thought you might
need a little help -- as, indeed, seems to be the case. Besides ...
curiosity got the better of me."
"That's gonna get ya in trouble one day, Puss," Donkey said.
"So I've heard," Puss admitted.
Suddenly Dragon landed with a dull thud in the marshy ground near
the witness log. The witnesses all gawked up at the leviathan, who
glared back down at them and bore her teeth. "Don't nobody move!"
Donkey commanded. "Red means STOP!"
Puss lowered his sword, as all the witnesses were now staring at
Dragon and had totally lost interest in him. The cat turned to
Donkey and mumbled, "Show off."
Donkey smirked back. "What can I say?" he asked. "When it comes ta
makin' an impression, it's hard ta beat a big old-fashioned fire-
breathin' dragon, even WITH all your pablum."
"That's APLOMB, Donkey!" Puss retorted.
"Yeah, whatever," Donkey said, then looked over to the stump where
Fiona still held Dinkum. "Go ahead, Princess," Donkey said, his
tone gentler.
"Well?" Fiona snarled at the crocodile.
"I ... can't ... do ... that," Dinkum choked out through his
constricted air passage.
"Yes you can!" Fiona rejoined. "TRY. 'Husband and wife'. SAY IT!"
"FIONA!" Shrek said sharply. "Let him go. Ye don't want this."
"Yes I do!"
"But not this way," he said, his voice softening. "Please.
Sweetheart. This isn't the type of marriage ye want."
"Shrek's quite right, Fiona," Lillian added. She had stood and had
taken a few steps towards the stump. "Trust me, dear. Is this
really what you wish to recollect in the years to come when you
remember your wedding day?"
"But Mom," Fiona said, "otherwise there won't BE a wedding day!"
"Perhaps not today," Lillian admitted, "but you already have your
first wedding day to look back on. That's all most of us have,
anyway."
"But THEY won't recognize it!" Fiona said, jerking her head toward
the witnesses, who had all started watching the proceedings at the
stump again.
"Like I said earlier, that's THEIR problem," Shrek said, looking
over at the group with distaste. "You'll always be my beautiful
bride. And we don't need THEIR okay t'make it so."
Fiona was trembling again, but not in anger this time. A tear
welled in one eye then trickled from its corner down her cheek.
Fiona stared up at Dinkum, then eased her grip on his throat.
"Please say it," she said, her tone no longer demanding but now soft
and pleading. "Please. It means so much."
"I ... I can't," Dinkum said. Then after a moment he added, "I'm
sorry."
"Fiona ... darling ..." Lillian entreated cautiously, "... I think
that maybe you should set the nice crocodile down now, dear."
Fiona sighed heavily, then nodded in resignation. "No," she said to
Dinkum. "I'M sorry." She carefully lowered the crocodile back to
his spot behind the stump. Dinkum coughed, rubbed his throat and
removed the glasses that had slipped askew on his snout.
Fiona climbed off of the stump, then collapsed beside it. She sat
there, her back against the stump, her knees propped up in front of
her. Then she buried her head in her arms, rested them against her
knees, and started crying. Shrek knelt down beside her, put an arm
across her shoulders and pulled her gently towards him. She rested
her head against his chest and continued to sob. Shrek leaned down
and softly kissed her head, then started tenderly stoking her hair.
Lillian beheld her daughter and son-in-law and felt tears trickle
down her own cheeks. Then she felt Harold slip his now large, long
arm around her now ample waist. She looked over into his face, into
the big expressive eyes that she could recognize and read no matter
what sort of features they were set into.
"We tried, Lilly," he said sadly, taking her broad, rough green hand
in his own and kissing it. "We did the best we could for her."
"I just wish we could do more," Lillian said.
Harold looked down at his daughter and sighed. "So do I," he said.
Just then Moyre stood. Her face was not sad in commiseration. It
was angry. She strode to the log before which the witnesses stood
and glared at them. "So!" she began. "Are ye happy now? Are ye
satisfied? You've preserved your precious status quo. Don't ye
just feel all superior!"
"Look, lady," Skungy retorted, "YOU'RE the ones who came waltzing in
here under false pretenses and --"
"False pretenses?!" Moyre shot back. "HA! We came here for a
wedding. For a joining of our offspring in a bond of love and
dedication. There was nothing 'false' about that -- in fact, it is
the truest, purest of intentions a couple could ever have! Whatever
'pretenses' we made were but t'appease your sense of adherence to
some arbitrary rules about purity and parentage."
"But it's our tradition --" Lolly began.
"Tradition be hanged!" Moyre shouted. "That tradition was born of
xenophobic fears over magically transformed ogres with no sense of
ogredom polluting our precious species. But this ogre --" here she
pointed at Fiona, "this ogre's different. She was not forced to be
a part of our species against her will as part of some punishment.
She CHOSE t'be an ogre. You've apparently read the accounts. She
could've chosen to remain one of the most beautiful human princess
on the face of the earth, and have had my son remain one of the most
handsome human men. They could be living in ease and luxury and
wealth. But she CHOSE our species, our appearance, our way of life.
And even though they're already married in a ceremony that's
recognized by every other species from gnomes to giants, she simply
wants recognition by the one species that DOESN'T sanction their
union, the one that really matters to her, the one she chose. She's
paying ye an honor -- paying us ALL an honor -- and ye slap her in
the face by rejecting her."
The witnesses were looking around at each other -- at least Lolly,
Drongo and Wanker were -- with growing unease.
But Skungy still stared defiantly at Moyre, his jaw still set. Then
he said, "If you think you can change our minds by just spewing a
little bleeding-heart hooey around --"
"Bull!" Moyre cut him off. "Y'know -- Skungy, is it? -- t'be
honest, a month ago I'd be sitting there on that log beside ye,
thinking the same way, defending the same hokum. When I first met
my daughter-in-law, I treated her like the interloper that I've
since learned our 'tradition' was built to 'protect' us from. But
ye know what? The more I learned about Fiona, the more I realized
how much of a true ogre she is. Her attitudes, her tastes, her
behavior, her wants and desires, her dedication, and her bravery --
all make her more than worthy of the title 'ogress'. More so than
me, frankly. She's no interloper. She's as true-green as they
come. She's a credit to our species. And it's a DISCREDIT to our
species to deny her the marriage she deserves. Good Heavens, if
there's ANY ogre marriage worthy of recognition, it's the one
between these two!"
At some point during Moyre's discourse Fiona had stopped crying.
She lifted her head from Shrek's chest -- leaving a black smudge on
his shirt where a little of her nosepaint had rubbed off -- and
stared at her mother-in-law for several seconds with gratitude.
Then the princess's reddened eyes drifted toward the witnesses.
Fiona really didn't want to let her hopes build up yet again ... and
yet she couldn't help it.
Skungy's jaw worked wordlessly behind his closed, frowning mouth.
He seemed to be considering. He was about to say something when
suddenly Groyl spoke. "You realize the irony here, Skungy?" Shrek's
father asked as he strolled forward to stand beside Moyre. "We
ogres take pride in our individualism, our distain for conformity,
out distaste for rules that limit our self-expression. Yet here ye
are defending a tradition that forces conformity and values blind
obedience to an outdated rule over expressed wishes of two ogres
t'be wed."
"He's got a point, Skungy," Wanker said. "I mean ... how would you
feel if you found out that, say, Lolly's father was a troll?"
Skungy jerked his head toward Wanker. "He's NOT a troll!" Skungy
shot back.
"I know," Wanker said. "But I'm just saying ... what IF he were?
Would it change how you feel about her, knowing you couldn't marry
her?"
"Marriage?!" Skungy said, a streak of nervousness undercutting his
irritability. "Who said anything about marriage?" Then he looked
back at Lolly. She was looking away from him and biting her lower
lip. "Oh!" Skungy said, instantly remorseful. "Lolly, I'm sorry!
I didn't mean --"
She looked back at him and smiled meekly. "It's all right," she
said. "But I think we get their point. What IF one of my parents
weren't an ogre? Is that really so important?"
"No ... but ... we ... our ..." Skungy stammered, confused. Then he
looked skywards, lifted his arms to the heavens, and shouted at the
top of his lungs, "TRA-DI-TION!"
Skungy's voice echoed throughout the bog. Some startled birds in
nearby trees flew away, and the ambient creature sounds died down
for a few moments.
Skungy dropped his gaze from the unanswering sky and looked around
him. All eyes were trained on him in mute curiosity.
Skungy shrugged and lowered his arms. Then he looked at Shrek's
parents and scowled. "Okay," he said. "Let's suppose I were to
agree with you -- and I'm not saying I am. Your problem is, I'M not
the one who makes the call as to whether to perform the ceremony.
HE is." Here Skungy pointed back towards Dinkum, who still stood
behind the stump.
All eyes turned toward Dinkum. "I'm sorry, mates," the crocodile
apologized. "I really am, honestly. But I've taken an oath to
enforce the rules. I don't get to make 'em. Maybe if you bring it
up at your next Grand Council, they could modify the code to
redefine what constitutes an acceptable marriage -- "
"If ye ask me it was a mistake to muck around with the law to codify
that tradition in the first place," Shrek commented.
"'Traditions'," Fiona said with distaste. "It's tradition that
keeps ogres from recognizing our marriage. It's tradition that
drives humans to hound us. What GOOD are traditions, anyway?"
"Oh, traditions can be a TREMENDOUS good, dear," Lillian replied.
"Traditions help shape and define our various cultures. They help
remind us of who we are, and help us celebrate that which makes us
unique, whether it is for a species or for any particular national,
ethnic, religious, or other subgroup within that species. When you
and Shrek fell in love and wanted to live together -- you didn't
just start sharing the same domicile, you decided to go through a
marriage ceremony. I'm guessing that by the end of that ceremony
you each had changed the way you viewed yourselves and each other.
That ceremony was a tradition, and the way it changed your
viewpoints was a demonstration of its power. Was that bad?"
"No," Fiona conceded, looking up at Shrek, the memory of the
ceremony causing her to smile. It was a smile he returned. "It was
quite good, actually," she added.
"So you see?" Lillian said. She took a deep breath, and then
continued more pensively. "The problem comes when traditions are
used not to celebrate commonalities and validate togetherness, but
rather to exacerbate differences and excuse exclusion. Traditions
are ... well, they're like fire. If used wisely, they can enlighten
our minds and warm our spirits. If used recklessly, or as a weapon
to justify bigotry when no rational justification can be found ...
then innocent people can get burned."
"Y'know, I've got some Wiccan friends who'd certainly agree with
that!" Drongo suddenly injected. "In fact, I knew this one witch
who --"
"I think what my wife is trying to say," Harold interrupted, "is
that instead of blindly adhering to a tradition for the sake of
tradition, you should first examine it. What have you to lose by
doing so? If the tradition is good, then you'll have a better
appreciation of its origin and significance. If it's outdated, or
flawed, then you'll be in a position to discard it and perhaps start
new, better ones. True, it may require the courage of an open mind
and the pain of a paradigm shift, but ..." here Harold looked at his
daughter and son-in-law, smiled, and said, "... believe me, if a
stubborn old fool like me can do it, then I'm sure anybody can."
"And THIS stubborn old fool agrees!" Moyre concurred. "What IS the
spirit behind the marriage tradition, anyway? Isn't it to celebrate
the joining of two like spirits in a sacred union? The cementing of
a cherished relationship that both parties enter into freely of
their own wills as they lay the foundation of a loving family?
Trying to get a marriage to work ... especially between a couple
that don't conform to society's expectations ... is hard enough
without our institutionalized prejudices holding them apart --"
"WAIT! PLEASE!" Dinkum shouted in frustration. "It's not the
'spirit' of the marriage ceremony that's the problem! It's my duty
to enforce the LETTER of the thing. And the letter of the
restriction says that both parties must be ogres, and both sets of
birth parents must be ogres. That may change some day, but I'm
sorry to say that for today that's just the way it is!"
Everyone fell silent. A depressed pall fell over the clearing for
several seconds.
Then Donkey spoke. "Well ... that's what you have now, isn't it?"
he asked.
Everyone stared perplexedly at the equine.
"Oh, for the love of Pete!" Shrek moaned. "Donkey haven't ye --"
Shrek's protests were suddenly cut off as Fiona placed her hand over
his mouth.
"Go ahead, Donkey," the princess urged, a glimmer of hope in her
voice. "Tell us what you mean."
"I mean ... well, Shrek's an ogre, and you're an ogre, and his
parents are ogres, and your parents are ogres --"
"What do you mean, they're ogres?" Skungy objected. "Neither of her
parents are ogres!"
"Uh, HELLO!" Donkey retorted. "They sure look like ogres to me!
Y'know, green skin, big stinky bods, ears that double as funnels,
stuff like that?"
"He's right!" Moyre exclaimed. "These aren't COSTUMES!" She
enthusiastically grabbed Harold's ear to demonstrate.
"OW!" Harold screamed.
"See?" Moyre asked.
"But they aren't NATURAL ogres!" Dinkum pointed out. "And they
weren't ogres when their daughter was born."
"So what?" Donkey asked. "They ARE her birth parents. And they ARE
ogres. Okay, so maybe they ain't ogres twenty-four seven three
sixty-five, but TODAY they're ogres. And SHE'S an ogre. So TODAY
they fit your little rule -- both her and Shrek are ogres, and their
birth parents are all ogres. So why can't ya marry them -- TODAY?"
Dinkum seemed to mull Donkey's words for quite some time, his jaw
moving around as he considered. Fiona, with assistance from Shrek,
stood up from where she had been leaning against the stump, and
together the newlyweds joined all the others in the clearing who
were staring at the reptile in anticipation.
The crocodile at last looked directly at Fiona and Shrek. "You two
have memorized your vows, I assume?"
The two nodded anxiously.
"All right, I may need to answer for this, and it's been a terribly
good wicket, but ... crikey, it's a shame to see you and your folks
waste all that you all went through, even if some of it wasn't on
the up-and-up. But your hearts seem pure enough, and you're
certainly dedicated. Okay, join hands and face each other. Let's
hear those vows."
Fiona squealed with joy. She whirled toward Shrek, embraced his
cheeks with her hands and kissed him hard on his lips. She then
released him and turned towards Dinkum. "Thank you!" she bubbled.
The crocodile shrugged. "Don't thank me. Thank them," he replied,
gesturing with his snout at her family, both immediate and extended.
"I plan to," she said, then turned and faced them. "Thank you!" she
said to all of them. Then she looked specifically to her parents.
"For all that you've done for me. For agreeing to change your very
selves for my benefit. For speaking up for me when I needed you.
Thank you so much!"
"You're quite welcome, my child," Harold said. "I'm glad for the
opportunity to make up a little for my past failings."
"For OUR failings," Lillian said. "Plus, we're actually grateful to
you for giving us this opportunity to see things from a little
closer to your perspective for a while, dear. I think it will do us
all some good, and perhaps bring us closer together."
"Here here!" Harold seconded.
Fiona smiled appreciatively at her parents. Then she turned to her
in-laws. "Groyl, Moyre, what more can I say? I've known you such a
short time, yet I already love you as family."
"And we feel quite the same, Fiona," Groyl replied. "We're just
very happy that our son was fortunate t'end up with a bride like
you. In fact, he's likely the MOST fortunate ogre in his choice of
mates since ... well, since me." Here Groyl winked at Moyre, who
smiled and punched him playfully in the arm.
Fiona grinned at Moyre. "Mom ... you really ARE my second mom.
Thank you. None of this would have been possible without your
inspiration, determination, and then in the end, your championing of
me here. You make a wonderful advocate."
Moyre shrugged. "It wasn't hard," she said. "After all, I had an
exceptional client." The two ogresses smiled at each other, then
Moyre said, "Go on, now. Make my son even happier ... if that's
possible."
"I plan to try," Fiona chuckled, "but first ..." She turned towards
Donkey. "My noble and loyal friend," she said lovingly. "Once
again you've shown bravery in coming to my defense, and wisdom in
realizing a path through the obstacles that threatened our second
marriage. I am even further in your debt."
"Hey, Princess, don't worry about it," Donkey said shyly. "After
all, that's just part of the duties of a noble steed, y'know?"
Fiona smiled at Donkey a few seconds longer, then turned to Puss and
Dragon. "And to you, my friends," she said, "thank you so much for
your courage, your service, and your friendship. I am very, very
grateful."
Dragon briefly dipped her head in recognition, but Puss took off his
hat, bowed deeply and, with a flourish, proclaimed, "It is an honor
to be of service, Princesa. If there is anything else that you or
your noble husband needs in the future, do not hesitate to call. I
remain your humble and obedient servant." Dragon rolled her eyes.
Fiona fought back a grin, and instead returned Puss's bow.
Fiona then looked at the witnesses. "And thank you all for
understanding," she said.
"No problem, Princess," Lolly said. "We're all happy that we could
find a way past the parentage restriction. Right Skungy?"
Skungy mumbled something unintelligible.
"I said RIGHT, Skungy?" Lolly repeated.
"Sure! Right!" Skungy said irritably. Then his tone softened, and
he added, "My ... uh ... objections were nothing personal. Good
luck to you both ... really. Right, guys?"
"Right!" Drongo and Wanker echoed.
"Thank you," Fiona said.
"You're welcome," Skungy said. "Okay, it's settled. We all like
you. We really like you. Now, are you done with all your 'thank
you's, or do we need to signal the band to start playing some
music?" Skungy then gave a soft 'oof' as Lolly elbowed him in the
ribs.
Fiona smirked and nodded her acknowledgement to Skungy, then turned
back to Shrek.
"Hi there," her husband said with a little grin. "Remember me?
Your old pal, Shrek?"
"How could I not? You're quite unforgettable," Fiona laughed as she
approached him. She took his hands in hers and they faced each
other again before the stump. Dinkum had his glasses back on and
his book was open and laying on the natural podium. As he paged
through it, Fiona whispered coyly over to Shrek, "I'll thank YOU
later." Shrek blushed.
"All righty, then!" Dinkum said, having apparently found the page he
was searching for. Then he started reading. "We're assembled here
as bare witnesses -- I'm sorry," Dinkum checked himself, readjusted
his glasses, cleared his throat, then started again. "We're
assembled here to bear witness to the hitching of these two ogres,
Fiona and Shrek, with the common yoke of matrimony. May this yoke
bind them and allow them to support one another, two individuals who
have chosen not to sacrifice their individuality but rather to share
it and form a whole greater than the sum of it parts; a new, shared
life as together they work toward common visions and common dreams.
Now, as it the custom of ogres, the participants will confirm their
love and commitment in their own words. Fiona, you may begin when
ready."
Fiona smirked as she recalled the lines she was to recite as part of
the vows that she and Shrek had composed for each other in what he
had insisted was classic ogre wedding style. She glanced almost
involuntarily at her parents, and blushed. Then she cleared her
throat, took a deep breath, looked into Shrek's smiling face, and
began:
"Your balding head
Your bushy brow
I see them and
I think, 'Like, wow!'"
Shrek chuckled, then recited:
"Your longish ears
Your pudgy nose
They thrill me dear
From head to toes."
Fiona giggled, then said:
"When we hug tight
Thy portly mass
Excites me so
I might pass gas!"
Off to the side Harold moaned and reached up to rub his temples.
Lillian, still watching her daughter with a benevolent smile,
elbowed him in the ribs. The king grunted almost inaudibly then
lowered his arm and concentrated on watching his daughter, forcing a
smile as Shrek spoke his rejoinder:
"When I embrace
Your rotund form
You fill my arms
And make me warm."
Fiona, feeling more relaxed, responded:
"Thy beastly breath
Doth make me sway
You ne'ertheless
Take mine away."
Shrek:
"Your visage makes
Some humans faint
But as for me
I think it's great!"
Fiona:
"Your face it breaks
My mirrors dear
But at your side
I feel no fear."
Shrek:
"Your temper burns
Like fire hot
But life sans you?
Oh, I think not!"
Fiona laughed, then her face grew a little more serious. It was
time for the last exchange, the one that meant the most. She sighed
deeply, peered through Shrek's big brown eyes into his soul, and
then spoke:
"Together we
Face life anew
Forever yours
I'll remain true."
Shrek paused, lost in Fiona's own deep blue eyes. After a few
seconds he concluded:
"This wedding vow
I take to heart
I'm yours too, Love
We'll never part."
"Very nicely done," Dinkum said as the two ogres continued to stare
transfixedly at each other. "And now, Shrek, the wax."
"Huh?" Shrek asked, still lost in Fiona's blue heavenly eyes.
"Wax. It's time for the wax," Dinkum said.
"Oh!" Shrek said, dragging himself back to reality. He reached
inside one of his ears and with a little effort pulled out a
significant glob of earwax with a couple of hairs sticking in it.
He handed it to Dinkum.
"Excellent wad, mate!" Dinkum complimented him. Then he looked over
to Fiona. "Your turn, Princess," he said.
Fiona sighed and, trying to avoid looking at her parents, carefully
reached into one of her own ears. A moment later she pulled out a
decent sized glob of wax, although only about half as much as
Shrek's. Nevertheless, Dinkum said, "Excellent!" and took it from
her.
Dinkum them took a few seconds to kneed the two wads together,
forming one waxy mass which he sat in the middle of the stump. In
the center of the mass he entwined one of Shrek's ear hairs with one
of Fiona's so that he had one large earwax candle. Dinkum then
struck a match and, as he lit the candle, said, "The lighting of
this candle, formed from their joined bodily detritus, represents
the joining of Fiona and Shrek and the start of their new life
together. May their passion for living and for each other burn much
brighter and far longer. Ogres and ogresses ... and other guests
... it is my honor to present to you Shrek and Fiona, husband and
wife."
Fiona again squealed in joy. It was done! They had actually pulled
it off, and they were recognized in full honesty for who they were.
She threw herself into Shrek's arms and together they shared a long,
hard, passionate kiss.
"Aawww," all the ogres said -- all but Skungy, who simply stood,
cross-armed, watching the couple. His face bore a stubborn tight-
lipped expression which drew a giggle from Lolly.
"Blast!" Puss said, rubbing his eyes and nose. "I think I am
developing an allergy to this swamp grass."
"Yeah, right," Donkey said understandingly, his own eyes glistening.
"Whatever you say, Puss."
Eventually the kiss broke. Shrek and Fiona stared lovingly into
each other's eyes for a few seconds more, then Shrek clasped Fiona's
right hand with his left one and they turned to stand side-by-side
and face the witnesses, their family, and their friends.
Harold and Lillian applauded, but soon ceased when they realized
they were the only two doing so. All the other ogres -- Moyre and
Groyl as well as the witnesses, even Skungy this time -- were
reaching down and prying up clods of wet soil and mud from the
marshy ground. Then they stood and, smiling, threw the clumps at
the twice-newlyweds. Shrek and Fiona laughed and shielded their
faces as their bodies and wedding clothes were pelted by the mucky
barrage.
"Well, if there isn't anything else, then are you two ready for the
wedding suite?" Dinkum asked.
"Yes!" Fiona and Shrek said together. Then they looked at each
other, smiled deeply and blushed yet again.
"Oh, Fiona, wait!" Lillian called. "One more thing!" She then
turned to Harold and said, "Harold, give Fiona back her ring."
"Ring?" Harold asked.
"The one I gave you for safe keeping," Lillian explained.
"Ah! Of course!" Harold said, then started feeling about his
unfamiliar outfit. "I know I put it here somewhere ..." he mumbled.
"Haroooold ..." Lillian coaxed, becoming a bit impatient and
slightly concerned.
"Yes, dear. I'm DOING it, dear," Harold returned as he continued
searching the outfit. "Ah! Here it is!" he soon said, and pulled
the ring out from the inside of his vest. He looked over at his
daughter, smiled, and said, "Here you go, sweetheart," and then
tossed it to her.
Fiona watched the ring in flight. She lifted her left hand, ring
finger extended, intending to catch the ring as she had caught it in
the air just after it was first forged. But just before it reached
her finger Shrek said, "Oh no ye don't!" and snatched it.
"Hey!" Fiona protested. "What gives?"
"I do," Shrek said. "That is, I want t'give this to ye ... properly
this time." He then tenderly took her left hand and gently slid the
ring onto her ring finger. Once back in place, the 'I Love You'
inscription glowed again, briefly but brightly.
Fiona stared at her ring for a few seconds, then smiled up at her
husband. She reached up and stoked his broad right cheek with her
left hand. "My precious," she cooed.
Shrek took her hand and kissed it. Then he grinned and asked, "Are
ye ready?"
"Very much so," she said, returning the grin.
"Okay then!" Shrek said, then suddenly reached down and scooped
Fiona up into his arms as she gave a whoop of surprise and glee.
"Right this way," Dinkum said, and led the newlyweds past the edge
of the clearing to an area a few yards into the bog. There was a
hole there roughly six feet in diameter that descended into
darkness. A ladder poked out of that darkness at a roughly fifty
degree angle where it lay against the hole's rim. Shrek stepped
towards the ladder.
"Whoa whoa whoa!" Donkey stammered, startling Shrek and nearly
causing him to drop Fiona. "Time OUT, Shrek! You call that a
'weddin' suite'? A hole in the ground?"
"We sure do, mate!" Dinkum said. "It's not just a hole in the
ground. That's only the entrance. There's nice, humid little cave
down there!"
"A humid little cave? That's a crock!" Donkey said.
Dinkum frowned at Donkey's choice of words.
Donkey turned to Shrek. "Shrek, ain't we had enough of holes in the
ground for -- like -- a LIFETIME or two? You two aren't really
goin' down there, are ya?"
"Yes, Donkey," Shrek said, his voice betraying his annoyance at
being followed. "That's part of the nuptial ceremony. Or rather,
the POST-nuptial ceremony." Shrek tried to use voice inflection and
facial gestures to indicate to Donkey what he meant, but it all flew
over the equine's head.
"But ya don't wanna go down THERE!" Donkey insisted, staring down
into the gloom. "I mean, there must be all kinda spooky, slithery,
creepy-crawly critters down there! Things like ... like SNAKES an'
... an' SPIDERS. I HATE spiders, Shrek! Why don'cha let me see if
there's a vacancy over at Fairytale Falls? It's off-season now, so
the rates are probably GREAT!"
"Donkey!" Shrek said, unable to keep himself from snickering at the
agitated animal. "We're okay. Really!"
"But I don't get it, Shrek," Donkey said.
"You're not supposed to," Fiona said, then grinned at her husband
and added, "It's an ogre thing." Shrek laughed and started
carefully stepping down the rungs of the ladder, still carrying
Fiona in his arms.
"But Shrek --" Donkey persisted.
"Have Dragon pick us up here about noon tomorrow, and we'll all have
that party back at our swamp tomorrow evening like we planned,"
Shrek said as the newlyweds descended into the darkness. "Until
then ... end of story. Bye-bye. See ye later!"
"But Shrek --"
"Good night, Donkey," Fiona's sweet voice arose from the darkness.
"Well ... okay ..." Donkey said reluctantly. "But ... well, if
ya'll see some big tall guy down there wearin' a black cloak an'
helmet with a bad case of asthma, then you'd better --"
"Good night, Donkey!" Shrek and Fiona's voices rose in unison from
deeper in the darkness. Shortly afterwards Donkey thought he heard
the sound of giggling.
"C'mon, mate," Dinkum said. "Time to leave your cobbers alone.
They'll be fine. Trust me. We haven't lost a couple yet!"
"Ummmm ... okay, I guess," Donkey said, and grudgingly followed the
crocodile back into the clearing.
Shrek's parents and Fiona's parents were grouped together,
chattering happily away to each other. They were apparently
engrossed in comparing notes and telling stories about the
challenges, adventures, and rewards of raising their respective
offspring -- at least until each was booted out.
The other ogres had also formed their own little group and were
recounting the events of the day and the celebrity marriage they had
witnessed -- one which Donkey hoped would last.
"Incredible," Skungy was saying. "He actually fell in love with her
when she was human."
"Is that so hard to believe?" Lolly asked. "After all, SOME ogres
are able to look PAST appearances and love the person inside."
"What do you mean by that?" Skungy asked. "Are you talking about
ME?"
Lolly looked down and shrugged. She remained sullenly silent for
quite some time.
"Are you all right, Lol?" Drongo asked.
"Yeah. Why so quiet so sudden?" Wanker added.
Lolly shrugged again, then looked up at Skungy and said, "Well ...
you didn't seem so interested before I gained that weight. Before I
left ... when I was thinner ... you treated me okay, but not with as
much attention as today."
"What?!" Skungy gasped. "Lolly! I ... always felt ... this way
about you. Maybe before I didn't realize how much you meant ... I
mean, we've been apart so long while you were in the countryside ...
Lolly, I've always felt the same way! I ... I love you, Lol."
"Really?" she asked, looking into his eyes.
"Absolutely!" Skungy said.
"So ... it's not just the weight gain? You love me just as I am?
Even if I were to be thinner?"
"Of course!"
"Because -- well, to be honest, I haven't been vacationing in the
countryside. I've been at a fat farm, trying to grow bigger because
... well, I thought you'd like me more if I looked more appealing."
"What?!" Skungy gasped. "Lolly, you don't need to do that! I love
you for you! It doesn't matter if you weigh a robust four hundred
pounds or a skimpy three hundred!"
"Are you sure? Because, to be honest, I don't like having to eat
five full meals a day to maintain this size. I know it's odd for an
ogress but ... well, I LIKE being thinner. It's just more me. I
know that sounds weird. I ... hope that doesn't disappoint you."
"Lolly, that's not a problem at all!" Skungy insisted.
"And my hair," she continued. "I don't like pouring that goop on it
to keep down the luster, either. It's really a pain. It feels so
much better when I let it go natural, even if it does have a ...
natural sheen. I know that's another nonconformity. I'm sorry. I
don't want to embarrass you --"
"Embarrass me?!" Skungy said. "You? Hardly! Lolly, I love YOU.
Who CARES what others think? I don't mind what you weigh, and as
far as I'm concerned you hair can glow like a fairy in heat!"
Lolly giggled. Her laughter came to a sudden halt, however, when
Skungy knelt on one knee. "Lolly," he said, "would you do me the
honor of marrying me?"
Lolly's jaw dropped. Then a smile bubbled onto her face. "The
honor ... would be MINE!" she said. "But ... are you sure you want
to ask me now?"
"Of course!" Skungy replied, rising to his feet. "I don't want to
take a chance on losing my Lolly!" He then took Lolly into his arms
for a long, passionate kiss of their own.
"Good job, mate!" Wanker said, and pounded Skungy on the back.
"Darn right! Congratulations, you two!" Drongo added.
The kiss eventually ended. Lolly and Skungy smiled at each other,
then Skungy looked over to the stump to see Dinkum packing away his
book and glasses. "Hey, Dinkum!" Skungy called. "We need to speak
with you ... about arranging another marriage!"
Dinkum looked at Skungy and Lolly, then laughed and said, "Well!
It's about time, mate!"
Lolly laughed as well and the four ogres headed over to where Dinkum
stood waiting.
"As the French say, 'Ah, l'amour', eh amigo?" Puss commented.
Donkey looked over, startled by the cat's sudden appearance at his
side. "What's that ya say, man?" he asked.
"It seems that our newlyweds' fever is contagious," Puss explained,
nodding over to where Skungy and Lolly were in deep in conversation
with Dinkum, large smiles plastered on the ogres' faces. "Speaking
of which, where is our happy couple now?"
"Oh, they dropped down a hole," Donkey said.
"Pardon?" Puss asked, confused.
"They checked into a cave for the rest of the evening," Donkey
explained. "It's 'an ogre thing'."
"Ah! Of course," Puss said. "Don't look so critical, Donkey! I,
myself, was conceived in a back alley between an overturned orange
crate and --"
"Hey, man, do we gotta go there?" Donkey asked, then looked up at
Dragon. "You set ta go, babe? We'll come back an' pick up Fiona
and Shrek tomorrow 'round noon."
Dragon smiled and nodded.
"Good!" Donkey said. "Now we just gotta wait for Fiona's parents
an' --"
"We're right here, Donkey," Lillian said from behind Donkey.
"Oh!" Donkey said, turning around to see the king and queen standing
together, still looking so strange in their ogre bodies. "Um, are
you ready to go, Your Majesties? We can take ya right to your
castle --"
"Actually," Lillian said, "if you don't mind Donkey ... um ..."
The queen blushed and looked shyly over to Harold, a little grin on
her face. The king continued, "What Lilly is trying to say, is ...
while the two of us are back in a ... compatible form ... well,
there is a nice private chateau by a pleasant little lake resort we
enjoyed when we were younger ... and the lily pads should be in
bloom there ..." Harold looked at Lillian, who was still grinning
meekly at him. He grinned back.
"What did I tell you, Donkey?" Puss whispered slyly. "A sweet
contagion, no?"
Donkey smirked down at Puss, then smiled up at the king and queen.
"Say no more, your Majesties! Dragon can drop you off anywhere ya
want ta go. Can't ya, babe?" Donkey asked the last question while
turning to look up at his lifemate.
Instead of simply nodding, Dragon looked at Donkey and made some
mournful sounds as if she were talking.
"Say what?" Donkey asked, his smile vanishing.
Dragon made some more sounds.
"Oh. Okay, then. Sure, babe. Uh, no problem," Donkey stammered
sullenly. If it were possible for a donkey to blanch, Donkey did so
at that moment.
"What's the matter, compadre?" Puss asked, concerned.
"Well, after all this transportin's done and we finish with the
party and everything tomorrow, Dragon wants her and me and the kids
ta pack up and take a trip," Donkey replied.
"Really?" Puss said. "Where to?"
"The land where she was hatched," Donkey answered. He gulped, then
added, "She wants me to meet MY in-laws!"