AN: This story will get better and happer, I promise. I hope that everyone is enjoying it and I apologize for giving you more angst and drama but the words and ideas just seemed to flow in this direction.

If you have any ideas or suggestions on how or where to go, they would be greatly appreciated. I'm slowly working my way out of the pit we like to call writer's block but could use a helping hand up.

Chapter 6: Can't take it anymore

The nurse didn't have the heart to wake the tall, dark-haired man. He was curled up, as best as he could, in a chair sleeping next to the hospital bed. If not for the wearied look on his face and the dark circles under his closed eyes, she would have thought him quite handsome but the sight of the gold wedding band on one of his fingers stopped her wistful thoughts. He was taken and from the looks of it, quite devoted to his wife. She finished running her tests on the still unconscious woman, marked the results down on the chart and quietly left the room.

A few hours later, Harm's ocean-colored eyes fluttered open and he groaned as he shifted in the seat. He was too tall to sleep in the chair and now his body would be complaining about the restless night he had spent in it. He immediately looked over at his wife but she was still asleep. The doctor had said that they had used heavy medication and that it might take a while for her to wake up but that fact didn't quell Harm's fears. He reached out to gently brush her hair back behind her ears.

"You're so beautiful, Sarah," he whispered, wishing she would wake so he could tell her. Why didn't he tell her earlier? He let out a soft groan of regret. He had wasted so many chances, so much time over the years. She was right, the only time he went after her was when she was already halfway out the door. "I am such an idiot," he muttered to himself. She had waited so many times for him, helped him so much and what had he always done? Pulled away from her, that's what.

"Commander?"

Harm's head shot up as a voice seemed to have come out from nowhere. AJ Chegwidden stood in the doorway.

"Harm, how is she?" AJ began, with a softer tone. He knew that it would be best to go easy on Rabb, especially with Mac in such a condition.

Harm wearily rubbed his eyes. "Not good, sir."

"What happened?" AJ had no idea what was going on or what had caused the need for Mac to have surgery.

"She was having back pains...I made her visit a doctor...they mentioned something about tests and the possibility of cancer...it was the night of your retirement party when she told me. She's been through treatments and tried endless amounts of medications...this surgery is the last option...but she's dying," Harm bitterly explained.

"How are you holding up?"

"Me? I don't know any more..." Harm trailed off to look back at the form of his still sleeping wife. "Sometimes it just hurts so much. Everything I've done or haven't done to cause her pain. What happened in Australia was so unbearable for a while. Paraguay was just a mess. I dropped everything in my life for her and she wasn't ready. It took me so many damn years to get my head out of my six and tell her how I feel. There was so much wasted time and I've caused her so much pain. I've never wanted to hurt her, I was just so afraid of losing her. But through it all, I just wanted her to be happy. The hardest thing I've ever had to do is let her go. I let her walk away from JAG so she could spread her wings, I let her get engaged to Brumby because I thought that she would be happy. Even through all that, it still hurt her. Now she's dying and I can't make her happy anymore. I can't give her what she wants, I've never been able to give her what she needs. I've screwed up so badly," Harm ranted, finally running out of breath and his emotional exhaustion taking over. Tears began to silently run down his face and he buried his face in his hands, unable to face the man who had been like a father to him during his years at JAG HQ.

AJ stepped closer to put a comforting hand on the younger man's shoulder.

"Harm, the last thing she would want for you to do right now is blame yourself. Both of you have had your fair share of mistakes over the years."

"But I've hurt her so badly and I hate myself for that!"

"She loves you despite all of that."

"I don't know why."

"Doesn't matter why, son, she just does."

Harm didn't respond, he just continued in avoiding looking at his commanding officer and instead focused on Mac.

"Harm? The others would like to come visit."

"She didn't want any of them to know."

" I've told them all to wait until it's okay with you. I know you probably just want to be alone with Sarah right now but they need to see her. They need to know that she's okay. Little AJ overheard Bud and Harriet talking about her and he won't stop begging to see her. They need to know, Harm," AJ firmly told him.

Harm opened his mouth to respond but Mac started to move. The two men watched as she tossed from side to side, moaning as if in pain. She called out for Harm to help her, to save her but he could only watch helplessly. He stood over her, gently holding her arms down so as not to jostle the tubes but she wouldn't wake from her nightmare. It was killing him, to hear her cry out his name and being completely unable to save her.

Minutes later, she seemed to have calmed down and her nightmare to have passed. She lay back, her body still and calm but her chest rising with each breath she took. She looked quite peaceful and relaxed.

Harm, however, was a different matter. He was already on the edge of emotional exhaustion. As he had been filling in temporarily as the new JAG, the work had just seemed to be at a constant flow to his desk. He had barely been able to keep up with it. The office had been short two lawyers, Singer's position had never been filled and they were already short-handed but when Mac had no other choice but to take sick leave, things had become tense and overwhelmingly busy around the office. Harm was caused endless stress on a daily basis as he tried to keep everything running and in order.

Then he would come home to Sarah. Lately, there had been more bad days than good ones and so he would help her with her medication and listen to her as she unloaded all her fears, worries, and concerns about dying. She was scared and he was her rock, listening to her and calming her, soothing away her fears. He had to be stable for her because she couldn't be.

Half the time, she was up all night sick. Everytime she woke up and rushed off to the bathroom, so would he. There was hardly a time when she moved that he wasn't there right by her side in a manner of seconds. Normally she would have given him that "I'm a marine and I can handle it" speech but the truth was it wasn't a normal situation and she couldn't deal with it alone.

He was being pulled at from all different directions and was about to break. To hear her cry out for him and not be able to do anything was just the last breaking point. Completely forgetting that AJ was right behind him, Harm collapsed onto the floor and cried.

AJ knelt down beside him and put an arm around the man who had been like a son to him over the past several years. Harm's body was wracked with sobs as AJ softly said, "That's right, son, let it out. Let it all out."