Hi! Thanks everyone who reviewed, I had a way bigger response than I
imagined – I basically only started writing this to appease one of my
friends who is a Harry Potter fanatic. And now wish I hadn't, because she
threatens me with mini-Justin Timberlakes. Anyway, as I'm trying to follow
the chapters in the book, this chapter's shorter than the last one, but the
next one should be longer – hopefully. When I get round to writing it, that
is. Which should be soon. OK, brain, shut up with the author's note, get on
with the chapter...
The Inconsequential Vanishing Glass
Nearly ten years later, the sun rose over Privy Drive. Birds tweeted, bees buzzed, and the ferrets owned by the odd couple down the road were playing poker. Many found this odd – usually blackjack was their favoured game. Ally woke up from an incredibly backstory-laden dream. Of course, she didn't know it was backstory-laden. Yet. So for now, the phrase 'ignorance is bliss' applied – though that was often the case for Ally. She-
"ALLY! Get up!"
The narration was rudely interrupted by Ally's aunt Petulant. Ally sighed and got out of her box full of hay kept in the linen closet, next to the hot water tank. Leg cramp was the price of appearing the tragically ill- treated heroine. She got dressed, glanced in the mirror at her purple treble-clef shaped scar, again wondered how on earth a car accident would be so neat and produce a purple scar, and then clambered out of the closet, remembering to turn off the hot water as she left. Childish, yes, but still satisfying.
She went downstairs, where the massive decorations for Milkdud's birthday were up. Ally sighed. Milkdud was getting lots of presents, as per usual. Ally never got presents any better than a book token. She sighed, then gestured for the quartet of violinists that had appeared at her side playing a sad mournful tune to keep quiet for now. Plenty of angst to come later. The violinists nodded and wandered away playing the William Tell overture.
"Clean the table!" ordered Aunt Petulant.
"Cook the bacon!" ordered her Uncle Vermin.
"Sweep the floors!"
"Clean the windows!"
"Feed the rabbit!"
"Translate the new Testament into Latin!"
"Yes," sighed Ally. She was just taking out the Mr Muscle and trying to figure out the Latin for 'begot', when Milkdud thundered into the room. Metaphorically and literally – Milkdud was so obviously not a good guy that as he entered, there was a crash of thunder even though outside the sky was a perfect cloudy grey (English people learn to tell the difference between clouds over time).
Milkdud was immediately fussed over and given many presents, showing how spoilt and hateful he was. Ally sighed. This was a bad morning. Normally there were only two sighs by this point. Milkdud was a boy Ally's age, and was basically the symbolism of modern youth. He wore sports clothing but didn't do sports, he wore anti-society badges but did nothing about it, and possibly worst of all, he listened to Justin Timberlake. Yup. This was a bad guy. Except, unlike most modern youths, he was going to the zoo for his birthday. Most peculiar, thought Ally, then sighed.
Milkdud opened his presents, which included symbols of commercialism and of the greed of modern society. Ally sighed. Suddenly the phone rang, and Aunt Petulant got up to answer it. Just as Milkdud opened his certificate showing that he had ownership of an orphanage, and was exclaiming how perfectly this would go with his new wrecking ball and explosions team, Aunt Petulant returned.
"Miss Piggy is getting her hair dyed blonde again," she said petulantly, "She can't take Ally."
Uncle Vermin and Milkdud looked equally furious, but Ally's heart leapt. There was more chance for a plot development if she left the house. There was much angry debate about how to feasibly keep her at home, most of which were very good ideas, but somehow Ally ended up on the way to zoo with them. Magic?
They got to 'Plot Development Zoo' (thus named because it was first established when an old woman bought a vegetable plot and charged people to come and see her two-headed rabbit born with only one head, and developed the idea of seeing animals not in their natural habitat and sleeping three times as much as ordinary animals. What, did you think it was some kind of foreshadowing?) and went round, looked at animals et cetera ad nauseam. Ally followed at a distance and sighed.
Eventually they went to the bird house, where the others drew ahead. Ally paused to look at a parrot and sighed. "I'm so tragic," she sighed.
"Bwawk," squawked the parrot.
Ally gasped. "You can talk?"
"Bwawk," affirmed the parrot. Ally gasped.
"You can understand me?"
"Bwawk," confirmed the parrot, 'Polly want a cracker.'
"I know, it must be terrible living in a zoo," sympathized Ally, "With everyone looking at you, and never getting any rest-"
"Bwawk."
"Don't interrupt me!" snapped Ally.
"Bwawk," said the parrot sarkily.
"Ohh, you wanna say that to my face?" said Ally, "I'm a heroine, I'll have you remember, I can suddenly learn amazing talents at the drop of a hat!"
"Bwawk," taunted the parrot. Suddenly, Milkdud came running over, the momentum of his bodily fat making him look like a spinning top, for some strange reason fascinated by the parrot squawking at his cousin. He brushed her out of the way and she immediately fell to the ground. She turned at glared at Milkdud, in the way that only girls can, the way that could make the Ringwraiths stop and run – which is why they should have made the Ringbearer a girl, in my opinion...
Where was I?
Oh right, Ally was glaring. And SUDDENLY! the glass in front of the parrot cage VANISHED! Wow, bet you weren't expecting that, were you? Well, the glass vanished, and the parrot flew out and flapped around the bird house, squawking and so on. "Eeek, parrot!" people cried. "It's loose!" "Oh, for more medical insurance!" "Woe, woe, woe!" "Wait – that's just a parrot right?" "Ware! Ware!" "Hey mummy, look at this budgie it looks just like ours!" "Awake! Fear! Fire! Foes! Awake!" It then flew out the door to freedom and eventual recapturing or squashing by car on the M1.
"Wow," said a guard coming in, "Lucky that the glass didn't just miraculously vanish in the snake house, huh? Now THAT could have been dangerous."
Ally sighed. It most certainly would have been. Drat. Then maybe she could have been locked into the guinea-pig hutch or something, even though it evidently wasn't her fault, because if she had the power to make glass disappear then why didn't she make Milkdud just disappear? Eh? Do you ever think of that? Eh? EH? I don't know. Some people.
***
For those of you who haven't read any of my other stories (don't worry, neither have I), welcome to the Hobbit-eyes tradition of callouts. Be afraid.
LadySmith – Thanks very much! I could hardly get very far without at least one reference... but I don't believe there are any in this chapter. Can it be? (gasp) Could she get through ANOTHER chapter without a LOTR/Matrix/POTC/Star Wars reference? Who knows? Seriously, who? I want to know...
Theshiz – Thanks! The treble clef has a purpose, really. It will become apparent later on. And anyway, what's wrong with treble clefs? They're nice and swirly and mean I don't have to bother moving the notes down two tones to play them on the violin! (mutters angrily about bass clefs)
Pixael28 – Officially your hero? Officially? As in I get a certificate? COOL!
Im a Brandybuck – Oooh, Harry's a RINGWRAITH! Bet none of the HP fans saw that coming! Or maybe... (gasp) Maybe if Frodo hadn't got to Rivendell in time, he would have turned into Harry Potter! Argh, no wonder Arwen and Glorfindel were riding so fast!
Woundup Orange – Not just one, I believe I have enough craziness for at least two, maybe three people. So that means there could be two extremely dull people out there because I took their share of craziness.
Don't-give-me-a-pen – No other Harry Potter stuff, but some LOTR, POTC and Matrix parodies and fanfics, and also there's a couple of Star Wars ones on the way.
KnowInSight – Well, that's good to know. It wasn't false advertising! Yay!
Ergo-Visavis – Hahahahaha... man in a red hat.... hahahaha...
CatClawz – Well, there were a lot of details in the first chapter of HP as well, so it kind of fits. But not quite so many details in this chapter.
Hogwarts-Drama-Queen – I have nothing against HP or any of the other characters. I actually quite like the books. This is just gentle teasing because I like it – and because I've been threatened with mini-Justins. But I'd just blow it off as my general craziness, if I were you.
Alteng – Well, they ARE pompous! And yes, the parrot is smuggled from POTC, I had to have at least a couple of references to my favourite films in here...
Harrypottergirl – Writer's block is a curse! Not even a nice curse, which I can phone up Johnny Depp to save me from and sacrifice Will Turner along the way! It's a meanie of a curse! A CURSE, DADGUMMIT!
Jack – Thanks! Sorry there's a bit of a gap between chapters, but I have to actually write each new one, and they take some thinking about... I have way too much free time.
See y'all soon!
The Inconsequential Vanishing Glass
Nearly ten years later, the sun rose over Privy Drive. Birds tweeted, bees buzzed, and the ferrets owned by the odd couple down the road were playing poker. Many found this odd – usually blackjack was their favoured game. Ally woke up from an incredibly backstory-laden dream. Of course, she didn't know it was backstory-laden. Yet. So for now, the phrase 'ignorance is bliss' applied – though that was often the case for Ally. She-
"ALLY! Get up!"
The narration was rudely interrupted by Ally's aunt Petulant. Ally sighed and got out of her box full of hay kept in the linen closet, next to the hot water tank. Leg cramp was the price of appearing the tragically ill- treated heroine. She got dressed, glanced in the mirror at her purple treble-clef shaped scar, again wondered how on earth a car accident would be so neat and produce a purple scar, and then clambered out of the closet, remembering to turn off the hot water as she left. Childish, yes, but still satisfying.
She went downstairs, where the massive decorations for Milkdud's birthday were up. Ally sighed. Milkdud was getting lots of presents, as per usual. Ally never got presents any better than a book token. She sighed, then gestured for the quartet of violinists that had appeared at her side playing a sad mournful tune to keep quiet for now. Plenty of angst to come later. The violinists nodded and wandered away playing the William Tell overture.
"Clean the table!" ordered Aunt Petulant.
"Cook the bacon!" ordered her Uncle Vermin.
"Sweep the floors!"
"Clean the windows!"
"Feed the rabbit!"
"Translate the new Testament into Latin!"
"Yes," sighed Ally. She was just taking out the Mr Muscle and trying to figure out the Latin for 'begot', when Milkdud thundered into the room. Metaphorically and literally – Milkdud was so obviously not a good guy that as he entered, there was a crash of thunder even though outside the sky was a perfect cloudy grey (English people learn to tell the difference between clouds over time).
Milkdud was immediately fussed over and given many presents, showing how spoilt and hateful he was. Ally sighed. This was a bad morning. Normally there were only two sighs by this point. Milkdud was a boy Ally's age, and was basically the symbolism of modern youth. He wore sports clothing but didn't do sports, he wore anti-society badges but did nothing about it, and possibly worst of all, he listened to Justin Timberlake. Yup. This was a bad guy. Except, unlike most modern youths, he was going to the zoo for his birthday. Most peculiar, thought Ally, then sighed.
Milkdud opened his presents, which included symbols of commercialism and of the greed of modern society. Ally sighed. Suddenly the phone rang, and Aunt Petulant got up to answer it. Just as Milkdud opened his certificate showing that he had ownership of an orphanage, and was exclaiming how perfectly this would go with his new wrecking ball and explosions team, Aunt Petulant returned.
"Miss Piggy is getting her hair dyed blonde again," she said petulantly, "She can't take Ally."
Uncle Vermin and Milkdud looked equally furious, but Ally's heart leapt. There was more chance for a plot development if she left the house. There was much angry debate about how to feasibly keep her at home, most of which were very good ideas, but somehow Ally ended up on the way to zoo with them. Magic?
They got to 'Plot Development Zoo' (thus named because it was first established when an old woman bought a vegetable plot and charged people to come and see her two-headed rabbit born with only one head, and developed the idea of seeing animals not in their natural habitat and sleeping three times as much as ordinary animals. What, did you think it was some kind of foreshadowing?) and went round, looked at animals et cetera ad nauseam. Ally followed at a distance and sighed.
Eventually they went to the bird house, where the others drew ahead. Ally paused to look at a parrot and sighed. "I'm so tragic," she sighed.
"Bwawk," squawked the parrot.
Ally gasped. "You can talk?"
"Bwawk," affirmed the parrot. Ally gasped.
"You can understand me?"
"Bwawk," confirmed the parrot, 'Polly want a cracker.'
"I know, it must be terrible living in a zoo," sympathized Ally, "With everyone looking at you, and never getting any rest-"
"Bwawk."
"Don't interrupt me!" snapped Ally.
"Bwawk," said the parrot sarkily.
"Ohh, you wanna say that to my face?" said Ally, "I'm a heroine, I'll have you remember, I can suddenly learn amazing talents at the drop of a hat!"
"Bwawk," taunted the parrot. Suddenly, Milkdud came running over, the momentum of his bodily fat making him look like a spinning top, for some strange reason fascinated by the parrot squawking at his cousin. He brushed her out of the way and she immediately fell to the ground. She turned at glared at Milkdud, in the way that only girls can, the way that could make the Ringwraiths stop and run – which is why they should have made the Ringbearer a girl, in my opinion...
Where was I?
Oh right, Ally was glaring. And SUDDENLY! the glass in front of the parrot cage VANISHED! Wow, bet you weren't expecting that, were you? Well, the glass vanished, and the parrot flew out and flapped around the bird house, squawking and so on. "Eeek, parrot!" people cried. "It's loose!" "Oh, for more medical insurance!" "Woe, woe, woe!" "Wait – that's just a parrot right?" "Ware! Ware!" "Hey mummy, look at this budgie it looks just like ours!" "Awake! Fear! Fire! Foes! Awake!" It then flew out the door to freedom and eventual recapturing or squashing by car on the M1.
"Wow," said a guard coming in, "Lucky that the glass didn't just miraculously vanish in the snake house, huh? Now THAT could have been dangerous."
Ally sighed. It most certainly would have been. Drat. Then maybe she could have been locked into the guinea-pig hutch or something, even though it evidently wasn't her fault, because if she had the power to make glass disappear then why didn't she make Milkdud just disappear? Eh? Do you ever think of that? Eh? EH? I don't know. Some people.
***
For those of you who haven't read any of my other stories (don't worry, neither have I), welcome to the Hobbit-eyes tradition of callouts. Be afraid.
LadySmith – Thanks very much! I could hardly get very far without at least one reference... but I don't believe there are any in this chapter. Can it be? (gasp) Could she get through ANOTHER chapter without a LOTR/Matrix/POTC/Star Wars reference? Who knows? Seriously, who? I want to know...
Theshiz – Thanks! The treble clef has a purpose, really. It will become apparent later on. And anyway, what's wrong with treble clefs? They're nice and swirly and mean I don't have to bother moving the notes down two tones to play them on the violin! (mutters angrily about bass clefs)
Pixael28 – Officially your hero? Officially? As in I get a certificate? COOL!
Im a Brandybuck – Oooh, Harry's a RINGWRAITH! Bet none of the HP fans saw that coming! Or maybe... (gasp) Maybe if Frodo hadn't got to Rivendell in time, he would have turned into Harry Potter! Argh, no wonder Arwen and Glorfindel were riding so fast!
Woundup Orange – Not just one, I believe I have enough craziness for at least two, maybe three people. So that means there could be two extremely dull people out there because I took their share of craziness.
Don't-give-me-a-pen – No other Harry Potter stuff, but some LOTR, POTC and Matrix parodies and fanfics, and also there's a couple of Star Wars ones on the way.
KnowInSight – Well, that's good to know. It wasn't false advertising! Yay!
Ergo-Visavis – Hahahahaha... man in a red hat.... hahahaha...
CatClawz – Well, there were a lot of details in the first chapter of HP as well, so it kind of fits. But not quite so many details in this chapter.
Hogwarts-Drama-Queen – I have nothing against HP or any of the other characters. I actually quite like the books. This is just gentle teasing because I like it – and because I've been threatened with mini-Justins. But I'd just blow it off as my general craziness, if I were you.
Alteng – Well, they ARE pompous! And yes, the parrot is smuggled from POTC, I had to have at least a couple of references to my favourite films in here...
Harrypottergirl – Writer's block is a curse! Not even a nice curse, which I can phone up Johnny Depp to save me from and sacrifice Will Turner along the way! It's a meanie of a curse! A CURSE, DADGUMMIT!
Jack – Thanks! Sorry there's a bit of a gap between chapters, but I have to actually write each new one, and they take some thinking about... I have way too much free time.
See y'all soon!