The Voltron Files

by Bordeu

The cases you were never meant to see! Follow the twisted adventures of the Voltron Force. Rated R for content.

2. The Planet of Cocaine Gas! Doped Up Fun...

The Voltron Files: The Adventures You Were Never Meant to See!

Case #1: "The Planet of Cocaine Gas! Doped Up Fun for Everyone!"

"Oh boy oh boy, look out! It's the first episode of the Voltron Files! Fear for your sanity while you can folks! After this you may never get it back!"

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Captain's Log, entry level #1: Well, it's another miserable day throughout the galaxy as usual. We've received numerous reports about people who were suddenly becoming high from the vapors of a mysterious planet. Wait a minute, this can't be right. I mean, how can people get high off of a planet? And to make matters worse the Galaxy Garrison had no clue what so ever on how this was happening. All they could tell us was that this planet was somewhere in the galaxy of Stupidia, which happens to be one of the worst regions of outerspace you could ever be stuck in. Oh man, this has "Zarkon" written all over it. The team and I weren't exactly thrilled about the mission but Coran gave us no choice but to go anyway.

Keith

Fade in on an establishing shot of the galaxy, planets, stars and all. Here we see the Voltron Force flying their lions on the way to Stupidia. Things seem to be starting off without a hitch, but knowing these guys it'll change shortly. Especially when they start to get a little impatient.

Pidge: "Are we there yet?"

Keith: "No."

Hunk: "Are we there yet?"

Keith: (Getting pissed) "No."

Lance: "Are we there yet?"

Keith: (Still pissed) "NO!"

Allura: "Are we there yet?"

Keith: (Yep, he's still pissed!) "NO!"

A short silence, quickly ending by the following question:

All 4 at once: "So are we there yet or not?!"

Keith: "NOOO!!! No, no, no! Shut up! Shut the hell up already!"

Everyone quickly goes quiet as Keith throws a hissy fit. However, because of Keith distracting them, they fail to notice the oncoming debris that was heading in their direction. Of course, it's too late for our heroes to do anything about it. Cut to a split shot of Allura and Lance, both palefaced and clearly scared out of their minds.

Lance: "Uh, Keith..."

Keith: "What?!"

Allura: "Debris, that's what!"

Keith: "Huh?" (Finally sees the debris and smiles) "Oh hello there!"

Multiple, loud thunks and bangs are heard, followed by five incredibly high pitched screams.

We now see the five lions cartwheeling through space out of control. To make matters worse, they get hit by more stray meteorites and get sucked into a big, black hole.

The black hole proves to be an interesting and chaotic trip for them, although they couldn't help but have a little fun as they wreck the order of the ever so peaceful black hole. Along the way they hit nine comets, two more meteorites, knock three planets out of their orbits while turning two into "donuts", kill nineteen pedestrians, do twenty seven 360's and four loop-de-loops before they crash land on a mysterious and stupid looking planet.

Stupid looking and boring to be more precise. The planet was nothing more than a slew of canyons housing a bunch of bogs and swamps that stunk to the high heavens like cocaine. Wait a minute... cocaine? Well, talk about luck, it just so happened that this was the planet that the force was looking for!

Speaking of the Voltron Force...

Cut back to the group, still disoriented from their fun trip and now suffering from a severe case of whiplash. Hunk somehow managed to wind up in the ass end of his lion and Pidge was sprawled out on his lion's windshield like roadkill. Lance met the floor of his face first, while Allura was tangled in the wires and bent over her seat. Keith, for some odd reason, was able to get the bottom half of his body to dangle out of his black lion's nose. It takes them a few minutes to regain their senses before they come wobbling out of their lions like a bunch of drunks.

Lance: (Still disoriented) "Holy cats... what the hell was that all about?!"

Allura: "I'm seeing stars... is that normal?"

Lance: (He's seeing stars too!) "Uhhh... yeah, I think so."

Keith: "Woah... everything's spinning around and around and around..."

Hunk: "Oh damn..." (Suddenly takes a whiff of the air and gags) "Dude! What the hell?!"

Pidge: (Also gagging) "Ahhh!!! Keith do something!"

Keith: "Why do you guys always rely on me for ideas!?"

All 4: (In unison) "Because you're the leader."

Keith: "Fine. Okay team, let's take a look around and see what we can find. Remember, if you see anything suspicious then, ummm... well, then point at it!" (Suddenly takes a deep breath of the air and gags)

Cut to a long, boring pan of the surface area. Aside from the aforementioned canyons and swamps, there's not much else to see. Just rocks, and dead trees, and bones (lots and lots of bones), volcanoes, dead people, and a large "hidden" factory hideout. Hey wait a minute...

Pidge: (Looks at one of the dead bodies and snickers) "Hey guys, I see dead people!"

Allura: (Groans) "That's not very funny Pidge."

Pidge: (Sheepishly) "Oops, sorry."

Everyone continues to look around for a few more minutes before the search is interrupted with Hunk stating the obvious:

Hunk: (Pointing at the factory with a shit faced grin) "Is that suspicious enough for you Keith?"

Keith: (Gapes) "Uhhhh... yeah, that'll do it."

A grin quickly forms on Keith's face as he suddenly gets excited. Their mission was finally starting to go somewhere. Pointing at the factory, he decides now would be a good time to deliver a quick, heroic speech:

Keith: (Clears his throat) "Okay people, we're heading for that factory. It is our sacred duty as the Voltron Force to protect the innocent and generally weak ass people from evildoers everywhere. So let's go team!"

Cut to a shot of a less than thrilled Lance.

Lance: "Whoopdee freakin' doo. Leave it to you to walk us straight into danger you stupid fu--"

Keith quickly turns around to face Lance.

Keith: "What was that?"

Lance: (Laughing nervously) "Oh nothing Keith!"

As they all start to walk towards the factory hideout, Allura states the following to Lance:

Allura: (Monotone voice) "You know, one of these days you're going to get your ass kicked."

Lance: "Yeah, I know."

Lance continues to laugh like a dumbass and Allura slaps her forehead. Yet oddly, this puts her in a strange mood and she quickly changes her tune. Running her fingers up and down his chest, she leans forward and whispers the following words very softly in his ear:

Allura: (Seductively) "You want to know what I'm thinking about right now, you son of a bitch?"

Lance immediately stops laughing. He flashes a wicked grin and whispers back.

Lance: "I don't know... what are you thinking about?"

Allura pulls Lance closer to her and starts whispering an assortment of incredibly obscene things to him. Keith, who had been relatively close to the two, somehow remains of oblivious and proves it by saying the following:

Keith: (Big smile) "Hey, what are you guys talking about back there?"

Lance and Allura: "Oh nothing, just shooting the breeze a bit."

Keith: "Oh..." (Short pause) "Okay then!"

Lance and Allura stay in the back of the group and continue giggling like a couple of idiots. Keith leads the way, while Hunk and Pidge bring up the middle.

Fade out as our heroes continue on their perilous journey and cut to the next scene where we see a dark, shadowy figure inside the factory control room. This shadowy figure is none other than Cossack, who is deeply involved in his latest assignment for Zarkon. The camera slowly zooms in on him as he smokes cigarette and sings.

Cossack: (Singing happily to himself) "Oh I wish I were a canister of weeeed, because everyone would be in love with me! Heh heh..."

He stops singing for a moment to hold up a fresh canister of weed proudly, as if it were his own offspring. Before he could truly admire his work though, a monitor next to Cossack starts to beep. A loud scratching noise is heard and the monitor turns on, revealing Zarkon's ugly mug... wearing a pink wig and earrings. In a panic, Cossack quickly hides the canister behind his back and addresses Zarkon with the following words:

Cossack: "Er-- my Lord! What a pleasant surprise! What can I do for you sir?"

Zarkon: (From the monitor of course) "I just remind you of the plan Cossack. Once the Voltron Force gets here you sick the rocket launchers on them and finish them off!" (Pauses for a few minutes) "Scratch that, kill only four of them and save Keith for me."

Cossack: "Yes sir! I won't let you down!" (Stops for a moment) "Um, why do you want Keith?"

Zarkon: (Ignoring Cossack) "Don't you dare fail this assignment! With the Voltron Force out of the way, I'll be free to conquer the universe as I please!" (Blushes a little as he twiddles his thumbs) "I'll get to wear all the pretty costumes I want..."

Zarkon squeals like a little school girl and giggles in excitement as Cossack watches on like an idiot. Cossack then re-asks his previous question:

Cossack: (Confused) "Sir, why do you want Keith?"

Zarkon smiles ever so wickedly, delivering the following response:

Zarkon: "So we can play dress up of course! Once the rest of the Voltron Force are dead, Keith can play dress up with me! We'll put on make up and pretty dresses and wear sexy lingerie and--"

The alarm buzzer fortunately sounds off before Zarkon can finish, much to the relief of Cossack. He jumps out of his seat and looks over at another monitor to see our heroes making their way towards his hideout. Needless to say he isn't too pleased about this, so he decides to set a trap for them. But not before Zarkon leaves him with a few parting words:

Zarkon: "Remember, those rocket launchers were friggin' expensive! Fail and it's the meat grinder for you!!!"

Cossack: (Gulps)

Fade out on Cossack as he nervously lights a cigarette and cut back to our group of stooges as they continue their quest. Pidge stops for a brief moment, squints, and then calls out for the rest of the team.

Pidge: "Hey guys, check this out!"

He points to what appears to be a trap door.

Pidge: "I think it's a trap door or something!"

Everybody stops to take a look at the small door on the ground. Yep, it's a trap door all right! Lance turns around to face Pidge as sarcasm fills his voice.

Lance: "Gee Pidge, what was your first clue?"

They take another look and find a sign posted directly above it. It reads the following words in bright, fluorescent colors:

'STEP ON THIS TRAP DOOR. TRUST ME, IT'S FUN'

Keith: (Snorts) "Yeah right! Like we're going to fall for that!"

He pauses, looks at his team, they look back at him, then they all look back at the trap door.

Hunk: "I wonder what happens if you step on it?" (Everyone shrugs at him) "Hmm, let's try it!"

Without sparing a moment for any intelligent thought, they step on the trap door. A short silence ensues between the group as nothing happens.

Allura: "Hey, nothing happened. I guess it's okay to--" (She's quickly cut off as the door beneath them opens)

Five high pitched screams are heard once again as the group plummets to god knows where. Quick shot of Cossack laughing as he watches the action.

Cossack: (Lights another cigarette) "Ah yes, the good 'ol trap door gag. It may be one of the oldest tricks in the book..."

Cut to a quick shot beneath the surface where we see a giant pipeline system. The camera slowly pans down, following the voices of the force as they make their way down to the bottom. Various noises can be heard throughout the trip including bangs, thuds, screams, curses, and any thing else the team can utter out.

Another shot back to Cossack again.

Cossack: "...but it still works like a charm!"

Cossack stops as he hears the pipe nearby rattle violently. He pulls out a bazooka filled to the brim with weed. Lighting a second cigarette in his mouth, he turns on the bazooka and aims it towards the opening of the pipe.

Hunk: (From the pipe of course) "Look, there's a light up ahead! I think it's the exit!"

Yet another brilliant observation made by our heroes!

Allura: (Also from the pipe) "Ow!"

Lance: (Yes, from the pipe) "I'm in pain!"

The rattling suddenly stops for a moment and then starts back up again as Hunk suddenly comes sliding out of the pipe on his stomach. He makes a loud, squeaking noise across the floor before coming to a halt in the middle of the room. Unfortunately for him, he stops directly in front of Cossack.

Cossack: (In a casual voice as he cocks his gun) "Hey, how's it going?"

Hunk: "Uhhhhhh..."

Cossack: "That's nice." (Shoots Hunk head on with his bazooka).

Hunk: "Gyahhhh!!! Woah... dude... heh heh... woo hoo!!!"

Hunk is now high and not too long after that happens does the rest of the team grace Cossack with their presence. Allura and Lance simply land on their asses and Pidge lands directly on top of them. Keith, on the other hand, somehow manages to get launched clear across the room. And, by pure dumb luck, he hits Cossack and takes him along for the ride. From there the two of them hit the opposite wall with a giant smack. It takes a few minutes for everyone to recuperate. Of course, the silence is broken immediately when Hunk gets up on the control panels.

Hunk: "Holy shit!!! Rainbows! Hey you guys, I'm seeing rainbows!" (Dances around) "Woo hoo! Rainbows! RAINBOWS!!!"

Pidge: "What the hell?!"

Lance: "Why you little--"

Lance grabs Cossack by the collar and starts to strangle him. Keith lets it slide for a few minutes before he makes Lance stop so he can take a turn to yell at Cossack.

Keith: "What the hell did you do to our friend?!"

Cossack: "Oh him?"

Cossack looks back over at Hunk and laughs. He turns around and shrugs, still in a casual voice as he says the following:

Cossack: "I doped him up."

Allura: (Shoulders drop) "Aw shit."

Keith: (To Cossack) "How dare you--" (Stops for a moment) "Uhh, could you excuse me for a moment?"

Cossack: (Finishes his two cigs and lights another) "Huh? Oh yeah, knock yourself out."

Keith walks off to the corner of the room to try and piece everything together. It shouldn't be too hard, let's see: Stupid planet hidden factory hideouts weed bazookas high teammate...

Lance: "Uh Keith?"

Keith: "Hold on a minute, I'm thinking!"

Allura: (Looks at Hunk briefly and makes a face) "Um, Keith?"

Keith: "I said hold on a minute!!!"

Pidge: "Keith seriously, listen to them. Hunk is starting to flip out on us!"

Pidge, Lance, and Allura watch as Hunk jumps from the control panels to the nearest table. R & B music suddenly starts playing out of nowhere as he stops, looks at the group, and starts to sing.

Hunk: (Using his fist as a microphone):

"I was gonna to clean my room until I got high

I was gonna get up and find the broom but then I got high

my room is still messed up and I know why

-cause I got high, cause I got high, cause I got high!!!"

The music stops and Hunk returns to his rainbow hallucinations. Pidge immediately starts laughing his ass off as Hunk starts to dance on the table some more.

Pidge: "This is cool!"

Allura and Lance watch Hunk in disbelief with the stupidest damn expression on their faces. They look at each other, then back to Hunk, and then to Cossack.

Allura: "See what you've done?!"

Cossack: "Yeah. And your point is?"

Allura: "Aaarrrgghhh!!!"

After fifteen minutes Keith finally states his conclusion:

Keith: (He points to Cossack) "You're the asshole that's been getting everybody high aren't you?!"

Cossack: (Proudly) "Yep. That's me!"

Keith: "You bastard!"

Pidge: (To Keith) "It took you that long to figure it out?"

Keith: "Shut up Pidge."

Cut to a shot of the monitor as it receives a new transmission. A unanimous scream is heard throughout the group as Zarkon appears yet again, only this time he is wearing nothing but women's lingerie, a tiara, lipstick, and a lavender feather boa. Sure he looks pretty, but he seems to be displeased.

Zarkon: "Cossack!!! What the hell is taking you so long to eliminate those meddling brats?! Activate the rocket launchers now!"

Cossack: "Huh?"

Cut to a shot of the room's corner, where five boxes sit. On them are labels in bold print, reading the following:

'ROCKET LAUNCHERS. ASSEMBLE THEM A.S.A.P COSSACK OR ELSE!'

Cut back to a close up shot of Cossack as he shoves a couple more cigarettes in his mouth and lights them in nervous fit.

Cossack: (Quietly to himself) "I knew I forgot to do something today!"

Zarkon: "Well, what are you waiting for?! Start them up!"

Cossack: "I--um--uh--wha--?"

Zarkon: "The rocket launchers you fool!" (Adjusts his bra) "What, do I have to come down there and do it myself?!"

Lance: (Shudders) "Err... no, that's okay. We can take care of it. You just... stay where you are."

Allura: "Yeah. Umm... you don't need to come down here. Really, it's okay... heh..." (Turns green).

Cossack starts to sweat up a storm. Not wanting to tell Zarkon the bad news, he makes up the first lie that his pea sized brain could think of.

Cossack: "Oh damn. Uhh..." (Looks back at the Voltron Force) "I'll get right on it sir."

Zarkon: (Clearly pissed off) "Oh you will, huh? Hmm, that's funny because it seems to me like you've just been sitting on your ass smoking cigarettes all day long!"

Quick shot of Cossack looking really nervous and sweating up a storm. The camera quickly goes back to Zarkon, who is now fuming red.

Zarkon: "You didn't assemble them did you?!?!" (Eyeing Keith briefly before turning back to Cossack) "Well?!"

Cossack: "Uhhhhh..."

Before Cossack could make a response, the same r & b music from before suddenly starts up again and everyone's attention (Zarkon's included) is directed back towards Hunk.

Hunk: (Yep, he's still high!)

"I was gonna go to class before I got high

I coulda cheated and I coulda passed but I got high

I am taking it next semester and I know why

-cause I got high, cause I got high, cause I got high!!!"

Hunk bows and goes back to his drug induced stupor as another awkward silence fills the room. Cut to a close up shot of Cossack, looking mighty proud of himself.

Cossack: (A stupid grin is plastered on his face) "Look sir! I got one of them high!"

He quickly claps a hand around his mouth as he realizes that he just confirmed Zarkon's suspicions and admitted to doing nothing.

Zarkon: "I knew it! You haven't done anything at all!" (Slaps his forehead) "Damn it, I knew you'd screw this up! That does it, I'm sending in the robeast!"

Cut to a shot outside of the factory where we see a giant coffin landing on the ground. Threatening music plays as the lid opens slowly to reveal a robeast...

in a frilly, pink tutu!?

Zarkon: "Behold! Froo Froo the robeast!" (Laughes like a loon).

A record scratch sound is heard as Froo Froo the robeast goes on a dancing rampage.

Lance: "Uuuhhhh..."

Allura: "You've got to be kidding me."

Keith: (Facefaults) "Crap. Everybody to the lions pronto!"

Everyone leaves quickly. Well, as quickly as they possibly could considering that they had to haul Hunk's high ass behind them. Now Cossack is all by himself.

Cossack: (Lights yet another cigarette) "Uhh, does this mean I can go home now?"

Zarkon: "NO!"

Cossack: "Aw damn it!"

Fade out on Cossack and fade back in to the lions in flight as they chase Froo Froo.

Keith: (Muttering to himself) "I can't believe that we're chasing a ballerina robeast of all things." (Clears his throat) "Okay guys, let's form Voltron and kick this thing's ass!"

All four: "All right!"

Cut to a long shot of the five lions as the usual transformation of Voltron takes place. As soon as they finish, they track down Froo Froo and proceed to kick it's prissy ass. Everything seems to be going fine for our heroes at the moment. But everything changes once Froo Froo starts spraying gas at them. Uh oh...

Pidge: "Guys look out for the gas, it's-- gaaahhhhhh!" (Pidge gets sprayed) "W-w-w-wow... I didn't know rainbows came in those colors! This is fun!"

Lance: "Aw shit!"

Allura: "Let me guess. Pidge got doped up too didn't he?"

Lance, Keith, and Allura listen in on Pidge and surely enough he's stoned! To make matters worse, Froo Froo starts another round of the gas treatment.

Keith: "Heads up guys! Here comes more of that gas! Get your emergency gas masks on quick!"

Allura: "Got it!"

Lance: "Roger!"

Lance and Allura reach above their heads and pull out their emergency masks with no problem. Keith on the other hand...

Keith: (Reaching above him) "Okay, now to get my mask on and--huh?"

Quick shot of the compartment above Keith's head. It appears to be empty, with only a note inside. Written on it are the following words:

'GAS MASK OUT FOR REPAIRS. BLACK LION APOLOGIZES FOR THE INCONVENIENCE'

Keith: "Aw shit..."

Lance: (Monotone voice) "See you Keith."

It appears that Keith is screwed. In a moment of desperation, he calls forth the Blazing Sword before succumbing to the power of cocaine gas. At first it appears to have worked, but then a problem presents itself...

Cut to a shot of Voltron's crotch plate as it slowly opens and a giant bazooka slowly comes out. After a few moments the camera slowly zooms out as Voltron chases Froo Froo across the landscape, shooting the occasional ball of energy at it along the way.

Allura: OO

Lance: "How long has Voltron had that weapon Allura?!"

Allura: (Stammering) "I... uh... I... err..."

Watching in the distance is Zarkon, who is putting on eye shadow and mascara. He notices Voltron's bazooka and giggles, saying the following:

Zarkon: (Blushing a pretty pink) "Ohh... big boy!"

Allura merely slaps her forehead and slouches in her seat.

Allura: "Oh my god, this is so embarrassing..."

Lance: "..."

Cut back to the bazooka as it fires a rather massive white energy blast at Froo Froo. Fortunately, it hits Froo Froo in the head and finally puts it out of its misery. The only down side is that the final blow also results in a massive explosion of cocaine gas, getting everybody without gas masks high again. Needless to say, Zarkon isn't too pleased.

Zarkon: "Another well thought out plan shot full of holes!" (Growls) "Cossack!!! Return to Planet Doom at once! I have a king size meat grinder with your name on it!!!"

Cossack: "Oh no! Please sir, anything but that!!!"

Zarkon: "Now Cossack!!!"

Cossack: (Whines) "Oh damn it!"

Quick shot of Zarkon as he turns on the switch. A laser beam is activated and shoots Cossack in the crotch. Cossack screams and whines as he slowly disintegrates and transports back to Planet Doom, where he will receive punishment and torture for a job so crappily done.

Now, back to the Voltron Force...

Cut to a shot of Hunk, laughing like an idiot and using a Butthead voice.

Hunk: "Uhhhhh..huh huh huh... "bazooka"... uh huh huh huh... Voltron has a giant pe--"

Allura: "Okay, you stop right there!"

Lance: (Using his communicator) "Hello, is this the Mega Robot Towing Co. ...?"

Pidge: "Can we go home now?" (Falls out of his seat) "Please? My rainbows are attacking me."

Lance: (Hangs up) "Okay, they're on their way."

Allura: "Oh good."

The tow truck comes and proceeds to haul Voltron off. The bazooka is still out on display and they draw plenty of attention. All of the innocent bystanders who happen to be out and about manage to catch a good glimpse of it, so the trip back proves to be an interesting one to say the least.

Meanwhile back on Planet Doom, we see Cossack tied up to a spike bed in a dark torture chamber. A cigarette is somehow firmly planted in his mouth as he begs for mercy.

Cossack: (Screaming like a girl) "Please sir, I'm sorry! Give me another chance, I won't fail you again!"

Zarkon: (Off camera) "Lazy ass bastard! I give you an assignment and you don't even bother to do it!"

Cut to a shot of a door hidden in the shadows. Zarkon emerges from the darkness in a black leather corset, thong, and thigh high stiletto boots. He walks over to Cossack's side of the chamber holding a bullwhip and stops next to a giant meat grinder. With a sinister grin he turns it on.

Zarkon: "Oh, I am going to enjoy this!"

Cut to a long shot of the exterior of Castle Doom as the sound of high pitched, girlish screams are heard. Cue the ending song "Because I Got High" by Afroman as the screen fades to black.

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End of Case #1.