Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Once again, if I did I would nail just about everyone with a penis. Unfortunately, J.K. Rowling finally wrote back and told me that her characters do NOT really exist therefore she cannot put me in her books as the slut who gets around. Dammit! I really wanted to screw everyone. :(
Author's Note: Consider the last chapter pre-slash. This is the chapter where the REAL slash starts. Remember, slash is male/male pairing. If slash offends you, please stop reading my story. I don't want to get some flames about my eternal soul being damned because I think it's totally hot when two guys hook up. If this doesn't offend you, yay! Now, let's start the fun.
CHAPTER SIX: UNREQUESTED DESIRE
Mrs. Potter hugged James tightly, then hugged Sirius and Serenity, both of whom were very surprised. "Sirius and Serenity, correct?" The twins--for they now considered themselves twins--nodded. "Good. And you don't speak, right, dear?" Mrs. Potter asked Serenity. The girl shook her head. "All right. I'm Ava Potter. Now, let's move on. You three must be starving. Your father had to work, but he'll be home later.
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"Now, I don't know how you two wanted to sleep. Both of you in the same room, separate rooms, Sirius with James." Ava smiled.
Sirius liked her smile. His mother never smiled like that. Her smiles always made you wonder what was going to happen to you. "Whatever's the least amount of trouble." he said.
"Now, now." Ava said, shaking her head. "Politeness is all well and good if you're a guest, but you're not. This is your house, too." She smiled again. "So, how do you want to sleep?"
Serenity made a few motions. "She wants her own room." Sirius said.
"Great." James said. "And you'll stay with me. Serenity, you can have the room across the hall. I'll show them, Mom."
Ava nodded. "And tomorrow we'll go shopping for clothes, posters, all the fun stuff. Don't look at me like that, Serenity. Your room, you decorate."
James was leading them up the stairs. "My mum's going to love this." he said in an undertone. "She and Dad always wanted more kids, but they can't have any." He opened a door that led to a light blue room. "Mum'll beg you to pick a color, Serenity, so be prepared." James warned. The room had a Queen-sized bed, a simple chest of drawers, and a modestly sized wardrobe. A lamp stood in the corner beside a chair. Serenity smiled. She and Sirius had shared a room at their old house, a room half the size of this one.
"This is our room." James said to Sirius. Serenity followed the two boys into a room nearly twice the size of Serenity's. Two Queen-sized beds stood by opposite walls and the room was decorated with Quidditch posters and few smaller pictures of scantily clad women. "Mum must've already put your bed in her." James said to Sirius, stating the obvious.
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Sirius and Serenity met Mr. Potter that evening. He had James' black hair and nose. He was a tall man, with glasses and a contagious smile. Ava, meanwhile, had James' beautiful hazel eyes.
If Serenity and Sirius felt awkward, which they had, it evaporated over supper. Henry and Ava made them feel right at home, asking them typical questions about school and exams. There was no third-degree.
And they wouldn't hear of being called Mr. and Mrs. Potter. "People have first names for a reason." Ava said, smiling.
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Serenity and Sirius were standing in the middle of the store, wide-eyed. James was grinning like his mother. "Now, you two, you are mine and Henry's responsibility. This includes clothes, rooms, everything. So stop being polite and go pick out stuff for your rooms." Then she turned to her son. "I have to go get some groceries. Make sure these two pick out at least a cart full of stuff." She ruffled his hair affectionately and left.
"C'mon, you guys are getting free stuff." James said. When the twins still looked skeptical, he grabbed their arms and pulled them toward the rows of carts. "Look, we've got . . ." He paused. "Not to sound arrogant or anything, but we've got the money so it's nothing to worry about."
They spent the next hour buying posters, lamps, rugs, and various odds and ends. Then the three of them ran up and down the aisles playing catch with toilet paper. Ava found them collapsed on a pile of paper towels in Aisle 5.
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"Serenity, you hardly ate." Ava said in a concerned voice. "You're a growing girl; you must be hungry. Do you want something different to eat?" Ava and Henry always spoke to Serenity in the same way Remus, Sirius, and James did--as if she could answer.
Serenity, of course, answered with a sign language Sirius had to translate. "Serenity doesn't eat a lot." Sirius said. "Ever. She says it's delicious though. And it is." Sirius added.
"Yeah, Mum, it's great." James said, trying to deter his mother from asking about Serenity's eating habits Sirius had confided in him that their parents had never really fed them enough so they had learned to do without. That, and Serenity was borderline anorexic in the fact that she was too depressed to eat most of the time.
Ava looked at her son, as if she knew exactly what he was trying to do. Then she looked at Serenity. "Just a few more bites, dear."
Serenity complied.
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The night of James' late June birthday found him and Sirius behind a locked door. Neither of them had talked about whether this meant they were gay or bi, because neither of them knew. They only focused on the kissing, the intimacy, the comfort.
Sirius sometimes cried while they were kissing, but James pretended not to notice, even though he could taste the salt from Sirius' tears.
On this particular evening, however, Sirius wasn't crying. The pair was kissing in Sirius' bed, pausing every time they heard a noise. Most of the time it was the cat, but once James had to dive for the bed when his mother came in to check on the pair of them.
Tonight, though, the doors were locked. They would have plenty of time to move around if they heard James' mother trying to get in.
The moonlight fell across Sirius' bed, enveloping the two in its beauty. Hazel eyes into amethyst ones. Lips on lips. Then Sirius began nipping at his best friend's neck.
James gasped. "I-If you . . ." Sirius paused and looked at the stuttering boy. "If one of us . . . gets a . . . a h-hickey, my mum'll see and flip." James stammered, pinking tinging his cheeks.
"Don't worry." Sirius whispered, his fingers trailing across James' chest. "I won't give you a hickey." He giggled breathlessly. "I'm not even sure I could if I wanted to." he added, trying to make the worry fade from those hazel eyes that gazed at him, trusting him completely.
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"We're not normal, are we?" James asked later.
"Well, you're not." Sirius said, not wanting to start a deep conversation at half past midnight. When he was tired he was more likely to say exactly what he was thinking.
"You know what I mean." James murmured. "Are we gay, Sirius? Are we bi?"
"I don't know." Sirius said honestly. "I don't think we can know yet. I think we're too . . ." He paused, searching for the right word. "Too inexperienced to know."
James kissed him. "But we're not normal." he insisted.
"No one's normal." Sirius protested. "Even if we were gay, why's that unnormal?"
"Because we don't know." James said softly. "I don't have the burning desire to run out and kiss any other guys, Sirius. Just you. If that's not weird . . ."
"Why do we have to decipher it?" Sirius asked, slightly miffed. "Why can't we just leave well enough alone?"
"I need to talk about it." James said in a whisper. "I'm scared, Sirius." There was a long pause.
"I am, too." came the soft reply.
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The next night, Sirius woke up screaming. When Ava came running in, James was standing over Sirius' bed. "Wake him up." Ava hissed.
James looked at her, terrified. He had never woken Sirius up during one of his dreams.
"DON'T!" Sirius screamed. "DON'T, DADDY! PLEASE? I'LL BE GOOD! I PROMISE! PLEASE, DADDY?"
James reach out and shook Sirius' shoulder. "Wake up." he whispered.
Sirius sat bolt upright in bed. "Don't touch me!" he yelled. His eyes flew open and he saw Ava and James. Then he remembered where he was, remembered his father wasn't there. "S-Sorry." he stammered, holding back tears.
"You just had a nightmare, dear." Ava said in a motherly tone. "You didn't do anything wrong."
"I didn't mean to wake you up." Sirius said softly. Gods, I can't do anything right.
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Sirius had other things to worry about as well. The new clothes Serenity wore were tighter than her school uniform and she had curves where there had never been curves before. When the three of them walked around the town, boys stared at her. Serenity had grown used to the attention and sometimes it even seemed she enjoyed it. Sirius didn't.
James, however, though it was hilarious to watch Sirius get angrier and angrier as his sister flirted with the boys in the village, most of whom he knew. Sirius spent so much time glaring at Serenity that he never noticed the girls looking at him. James worried about this, wondering what would happen if Sirius did notice.
Once, a girl accidentally brushed Sirius' arm in a store. James had seen the fear in Sirius' eyes as the girl apologized. That night Sirius had cried in his sleep. (A few weeks before James had asked his mother to put a Silencing Charm on the room. He could see the guilty look in Sirius' eyes everything Ava shook him awake. From experience, James knew it was better to let Sirius sleep.)
Serenity tried not to let boys get close enough for them to want to start a conversation. She knew Sirius would rather skin them alive than translate a conversation. She wondered what would happen if she got a boyfriend. At those times her mind would wander to Remus. (He was getting better at understanding her sign language.) Then she kept scolding herself. She had seen enough male/female friendships turn to dust when plutonic feelings turned romantic and then they broke up. (She was also worried about what would happen to Sirius and Remus' friendship.)
So it passed that neither Serenity nor Sirius fulfilled any villagers fantasies. Except perhaps, Sirius fulfilling James'.
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One morning over breakfast, a letter came from Ava. She got tight lines around her mouth the twins had never seen before and that James had only witnessed twice. "Mum?" he asked softly. "Is something wrong?"
"Nothing for you to worry about." Ava said, standing up and going into the study, the letter clutched in her hand. "Will you three clean up the breakfast things, please?"
"Sure." Sirius and James said at once. Serenity nodded.
A few minutes later they head the back door open and close. "She's going to have a cigarette." James said, dropping the dishtowel. "Good. We have about five minutes."
"For what?" Sirius asked, afraid he already knew.
"To find out what's in that letter."
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"They're reviewing the case?" James said. "What the hell is there to review?"
"My dad slipping them money." Sirius said quietly, stroking Serenity's hair. She was leaning on his shoulder.
"But why the hell would you have made that up? You wouldn't have lied. And Mum and Dad signed those papers!" James shook his head. "Just because they review the case doesn't men they'll change their mind, does it?" Without waiting for Sirius to speak, he answered himself. "No, it doesn't."
Serenity reached for James' hand as he moved to bite his nails. 'It'll be okay.' she mouthed. Oh, gods, I hope it is.
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"You three shouldn't have read that letter." Ava said, standing in the boys' doorway. "I know you read it, so don't play innocent. There is nothing to worry about. Angela Lovegood sent an owl saying this is protocol. They have to review every case."
The three thirteen-year-olds thought she still seemed a little worried though.
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Then Remus came down for the last two weeks of the holidays. The four of them decided to go pick up groceries for Ava to try and get their minds off of the review. Sirius, trying to pay attention to everything so he didn't have to worry about the maybes, noticed Serenity didn't flirt since Remus had shown up.
Serenity stayed closer to Remus, occasionally touching his arm more than was necessary. They seemed to lock eyes every time they though James and Sirius weren't looking. The surprising fact wasn't that Remus and Serenity seemed to be on the road to a romantic relationship, it was that Sirius didn't want to beat Remus senseless . . . most of the time.
Those instances were rare though. The first occurred when Remus kissed Serenity for the first time. The four of them had been wandering around a second hand store, looking just to look.
Remus and Serenity had walked over to the bookshelves when James and Sirius were laughing at Muggle kitchen appliances. When the two boys saw the, Remus was talking softly to Serenity. Then he kissed her. Serenity wrapped her arms around his neck. The pair shared a few kissed and then busied themselves with feigning interest in some books.
Sirius--after he got over his momentary shock--started toward Remus, face set. James grabbed his arm and pulled him away, until there were a few aisles between the two sets of teenagers. "Calm down." James said. "You can't tell me you didn't see this coming." His hazel eyes had turned a light green. "There's no reason to act like this."
"She's my sister!" Sirius snapped, trying to pull out of James' grasp.
"Dating Remus isn't going to make her need you less." James said. When Sirius stopped struggling he knew he had hit the nail on the head. "She needs you, Sirius, but she needs other people, too. There's nothing wrong with her kissing someone and if you think there is, you're a damn hypocrite!"
"B-But, she's . . . mine. My . . . everything." Sirius whispered, his eyes shining, like amethyst stones.
"You can't be her entire world, Sirius." James said softly, wisdom showing in his innocent eyes. "She needs things she can't get from you, things she can get from Remus."
"You don't understand." Sirius said softly, a slight bitterness in his voice. "You don't know what it's like. We didn't have anyone, not a single fucking soul, for nine years, since we were two. Nobody cared if we lived or died. She was my entire bloody world and I was hers."
"She still needs you, Sirius." James whispered. "People do care now. We're a part of both your worlds now, whether by your choice or not." He released Sirius' arm, only to take his hand, James' other hand coming up to stroke the other by's cheek. "Is that such a bad thing?"
Sirius leaned into James' touch, his eyes fluttering closed. "I want you to be a part of my world." he breathed. "I want you . . ."
His voice trailed off and James kissed him softly. "There's nothing wrong with needing someone, Sirius." he whispered against the other boy's feather-soft lips. Amethyst eyes gazed at him. James kissed him again. Sirius parted his lips slowly. And then . . .
They both jumped as they heard the door to the shop slam close. Sirius turned and made like he really was interested in the hideous lamp in front of him.
James knew better. He could see how strained Sirius' shoulders were from anxiety. And the hair was brushed off one side of that slender neck . . .
"So, are we ready to go?" Remus asked, smiling as he made his way toward the other two boys. Serenity was smiling as well, as she stood behind Remus. James noticed her lipstick was a bit smudged.
If Sirius did, he didn't say anything. "Yeah. Let's go."
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That night, Sirius pulled a just awoken James into the bathroom and kissed him. His lips tugged at the other boy's needfully. James kissed back, his need for sleep having disappeared with the passion of the first kiss.
When he tasted the salt from Sirius' tears however, he broke the tender liplock. "What's wrong?"
Sirius didn't say anything, just grabbed James' arms and tried to kiss him again.
"Sirius," James began, pulling away from the boy's attempted kiss, "what's wrong?"
"Nothing." Sirius whispered through his tears.
"If it were nothing, you wouldn't be crying." James said patiently. He took the other boy's hands in his. "Tell me."
"N-Need . . ." Sirius' face was wet with tears, his eyes purple waterfalls. "N-Need . . ." When he saw James' hazel eyes, full of touching concern, he began to cry hard. "You."
James looked confused. "What?"
"I need . . . you." Sirius' eyes were filled with trust, innocence, despair, and . . . hope, an emotion James' had never seen in his best friend's eyes until that moment.
"Help me." the crying boy whispered insistently, needingly. He pressed his lips to James' again. This time James didn't resist, but he was still thinking about what had just been said.
'I need you?' James though. He needs me? Gods, is he . . . Am I . . .
I need you. Sirius though. Gods, don't leave me James. Gods, I can't take it anymore. Just stay, stay with me. Please? Stay forever. We can be happy until forever, right?
Does he love me? James though, his arms coming up and around the boy's neck. Do I love him? Is . . . is love enough? Can love ever be enough? Can it undo the hell he's been though?
Sirius traced his fingers along the back of James' neck, drawing unseen patterns. Is needing you the same as loving you, James? Can I love you? Am I capable? I need you, so does that mean I love you? Should I love you? Is loving you wrong?
I think I might love you. James tongue danced insistently with his . . . lover's? Do you love me? Would you turn away from me if I said I love you. Should I say it?
Sirius' tears continued to flow down his cheeks. I hate this. I hate needing you. I hate you! No . . . I don't. I can't. I want to die! Gods, James. Why did you have to take that fucking razor blade?
Don't waste your time on me
You're already the voice inside my head
I miss you.
-Blink 182
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So, what did ya'll think? I hope you liked it. What did you think of my slash story? Did I do okay? When my bff read this chapter she was NOT happy. She was all 'what about Lily? What about James and Lily? What about Harry?' Blah, blah, blah. (No offense to my bff.) So, do you guys have the same thoughts. The romance between James and Sirius changes a lot through out the next few chapters. I'm currently working on Chapter Eleven. What do you guys think? I could sure use your input.
You will NOT find out the boys' sexuality until Chapter Ten. So . . . yeah. There's some food for thought. The relationship between Remus and Serenity got downplayed in this chapter, but that's okay. None of the relationships have a MAJOR part in the next 1 1/2 or 2 chapters. I can't exactly remember.
Here is a preview of CHAPTER SEVEN: UNSEEN SCARS, UNHEALING CUTS:
No one can be expected to resist the seduction of the glittering blade all of the time.
AND LATER . . .
Serenity spit at him. Then she threw her head back and . . . screamed.
AND EVEN LATER . . .
"Sirius is in the Forbidden forest. We need to find him. You're the best in Care of Magical Creatures, so you're helping me find him without getting killed." James said quietly as they snuck past the staff room.
"Why's he in there?" Remus asked, concern in his voice.
James didn't answer.