A/N: I'm back! Isn't it amazing? Yep, I'm living through Algebra, the spawn of Satan, but it's not easier, and now I have to learn American History. Yes, it's fascinating. Tell me, why do I care about the Backcountry? I DON'T!!! Anyway, enjoy!

Boromir: Aragorn

Frodo Gimli

Gandalf Pippin

Gimli Sam

Legolas Frodo

Merry Merry

Pippin Legolas

Sam Gandalf

Denethor Eowyn

Eomer Denethor

Eowyn Theoden

Theoden Eomer

Gollum Gollum

Chapter Eight: Osgiliath: Citadel of Ice and The Battle for Helm's Deep, Part 1

At Helm's Deep...

"All right, so we've got Elves. We've got Elves. DAMNIT, WE'VE GOT ELVES!!!" Boromir screams, running around on the wall screaming bloody murder.

"ER, can you calm down?" Pippin asks.

"HEY! Elfie! Tell these other Elves that they've better fight their asses off, got it!!" Boromir yells.

"Fine. You've better fight your asses off, got it?" Pippin says.

"Wow! Hey, those above words are in ELVISH!!" Frodo says. (Yes, I know, they aren't but I've got an Elvish font, so pretend, will you?)

"Wow...man, Frodo, you're dumb!" Pippin says.

"Hey! I am NOT!!!" The two get into some little fight and come out looking abused. Or something.

Suddenly...

"HOLY -------------------! URUKS!!" Screams Rohirrim #100.

"HOY CRAPADA!!!" Boromir screams. (Something really weird I made up at midnight)

"What did you just say?" Pippin asks.

"Er...In all honesty I don't know." Boromir says, looking at the heavens, which are currently crying (rain) and getting rain drops in his eye. "OOH! OW! AHH!! EEEE!!"

"What's his problem?" Pippin asks, turning to Frodo.

"Dunno, mate." Frodo says, comfortably lounging in the arms of several female Elves who have managed to get into Helm's Deep.

"WHAT THE ----- ARE THEY DOING HERE??" Pippin screams, chasing them off screen. As they run, they drop Frodo.

"OWWW!!!"

"Aren't you a Dwarf?" Pippin asks, looking after the Elvin Girls.

"Well, yeah, but Galadriel thought I was cute..." Frodo says.

"YOU LIE!!!" Pippin yells.

"NUH-UH!!" Frodo screams.

Boromir is busy arguing with Haldir over how to set up, while the Uruk hoard is standing there, talking about Pamela Anderson, Jessica Simpson, and Hillary Duff.

"Hate to break it up, but shouldn't we FIGHT???" Eowyn screams.

"Right! Ok, Uruks, HAVE AT US!!!" Boromir screams.

"This'll be good." Says Uruk #9,999.

The Uruk hoard advances on Helm's Deep.

Meanwhile, near Osgiliath...

"My god, Faramir, you're taking us to some grungy city? Are you insane???" Legolas asks.

"Wow. Halflings sure are talkative." Faramir muses.

"SHUT UP, LEGOLAS!!!" Gimli roars, shaking the earth and sending the birds out of the trees.

"My Valar, Gimli, are you trying to kill us all??" Legolas shrieks.

"Er..." Gimli says, holding back laughs.

"I KNEW IT!!! I knew that you were gonna kill us all! What did I tell you?" Legolas screamed.

Suddenly, Ranger 5 pulled out Gollum from behind a shrub.

"Captain Faramir, dude! Look at this weird lookin' dog!" He says.

"We isss not a dogsss, preciousss, we isss Gollum. Gollum, gollum!"

"We get it, you're Gollum. Ok?" Asks Ranger 4.

"Well, preciuosss, we isss Gollum. Gollum, gollum!"

"WE KNOW!!" Everyone yells.

"Well, rarrr!" Gollum says.

The group heads onwards to Osgiliath, or gets closer than they were a chapter ago.

"What are people gonna think? Osgiliath is a Popsicle and I'm in charge of it!" Faramir moans.

"There, there, it's ok." Ranger 3 says, as Faramir sniffles inconsolably.

"Hey! Y'know what you gotta do when life gets bad?" Legolas asks.

"No...sniff...no." Faramir says, looking up.

"Just keep fighting, just keep fighting, just keep fighting, fighting, fighting! What do we do we fight, fight..." Legolas sings.

"You know, Lego-pants, I was never a true fighter. I fight not for the joy of killing, but rather to defend." Faramir says.

"Well PHBBT!!" Legolas says.

"Y'know, you're so insensitive, Elfie. Shame on you! Shame, shame, know your name!!" Gimli says.

A/N: Ok, check back for more exciting battles and pointless humor! You know you love it!!!