It's all the fault of those...people...and I use the term loosely who moved into the clearing down the road a few months ago. Although looking back, I must admit that I am partially to blame as well. At least in some respects. I mean the whole thing just might have been avoidable if I had just gone to visit my new neighbors once or twice. But in my defense that really isn't a law or anything after all. I mean I'm a recluse, visiting new neighbors is not in my job description. Hell if I had my way neighbors in and of themselves would not be in the job description.
I did mean to go and visit really. I even went over once or twice. But once I got a look at them, and their kids...their very loud and hyper kids who did not so much as settle for a moment all the time I saw them, well what can I say I'm shy. Though I have to admit I do hate noise and bustle a little more then what might be good for me. In any case I never actually met the family.
The father of the family is a woodcutter. So I did see him from time to time around the forest. But I never wanted to bother him at work so I just stayed out of his way.
I never have to bother with wood cutting myself. You see my roommate is a woodchuck who has studied the complex art of chucking wood. For anyone who knows a wood chucking wood chuck regular cutting of wood becomes an obsolete thing of the past.
Now I will be the first to admit that I am an eccentric. I find joy in life by just doing random odd things for no apparent reason. What can I say it's my true calling. I also have a lot of free time to work with. You know, since I don't have to busy myself with cutting wood. Why just last December I ended up having a little to much eggnog. Before knew it I had gone all out and decorated my entire house to look like one of those cute little gingerbread houses. To tell the truth I really don't remember how I did it but it must have been extensive work because the house even smells like gingerbread even now. Unfortunately that turned out to be my undoing.
I mentioned that the gamily that moved in down the road has two kids. Well I would now also like to mention that those little monsters are as close to evil incarnate as it is possible to be. But of course what can you expect of the children of people who go around cutting wood instead of leaving such jobs to self respecting woodchucks.
In any one night I went to bed very tired. I had spent the day putting up a fence of gingerbread people to go with the house. I happened to look out the window and noticed that there was smoke from a campfire coming up from the forest near the house. I remember that I really didn't think anything of it at the time. Except that the notion occurred to me that the family down the road might eventually end up coming to my place instead of vice versa. I fell asleep that night wondering how I would explain the woodchuck tactfully if we ever did meet.
I woke the next morning to an odd scratching sound outside of my bedroom window. I looked out the window and was startled to see the two children from the house trying to eat my house. The girl had broken off a piece of the roof and was gnawing on it. I didn't see the boy at first till I stuck my head out the window and saw that he was actually hanging into the rain gutter by his teeth.
It then occurred to me that perhaps the whole gingerbread thing might not have been that good of an idea. I knew the house would be fine, but I doubted that eating paint and plaster would be good for the kids. So I yelled at the and told them to stop. The little urchins just ignored me and continued to take bits and pieces out of my home.
Then I remembered that their house had been in poor condition when I saw it. Nothing more then a hovel really. At the time I thought that it was just because they were first moving in. But now I thought that they might not be well off. The thought of these little children being hungry enough to munch on a house went right to my heart. After all I might love alone but I am not without a sense of pity.
So in the end I got together a little snack and offered it to them. They apparently thought that while less visually appealing the fruit and bread I had tasted better then the house, or at least was easier to chew because they stopped eating the house. Once the food was done I noticed them eying the house again so I offered to let them inside. The interior of my house is much decorated then the exterior. They hesitated but when they saw some more food on the table they came inside.
As they ate I asked them how they had ended up this deep into the forest all by themselves. They didn't seem old enough to be going around on their own. I was horrified to find that their parents had actually kicked them out of the home because of a food shortage.
Realizing that they might not have eaten in days I went into the pantry and got them more to eat. Then I told them that I would have to turn their parents in for child neglect. They told me that they didn't mind in the least since any agency that might deal with such thing would not exist for another five hundred years or so. That threw a wrench in my plans but in the end I decided to take them home myself and give their parents a piece of my mind.
The girl, Gretel, said that she was still hungry even after she and her brother had eaten all the food I had given them. That did it for me, no child should be in such a state and then send away from home. I told her to help herself to anything in the pantry, and to grab a snack for the road as well, after all I had plenty of food since most of the time it was just me and the woodchuck Then I went upstairs to get my coat.
That was my mistake. I should never have left those two little monsters on their own. I got my coat and came back down stairs to find chaos. Gretel had raided the pantry and every bit of food I owned was partially eaten and strewn all over the place. What's worse Hansel had managed to lock himself in the cage that the woodchuck used as his room. Luckily the woodchuck was on a vacation in the Bahamas during the entire incident.
I got the food, or what was left of it anyway, away from Gretel. Then I gave her a mop and told her to start cleaning up the mess she had made. Which was huge. More then just the food she had managed to open, spill, or break most of what I owned. I have no clue how she made such a mess in such a little time. I had only been away for a moment.
During the whole thing Hansel just kept whining about how hungry he was. I gave him some apples and told him to shut up until I could find the key to the cage. Which had been lost in the mess.
It should be noted that this is the part of the story that the children later described as me " Sweeping down the stairs in a black cloak, revealing myself to be a witch. Then locking Hansel in a cage and fattening him up while cruelly forcing Gretel to work." As you can see that's a load of bull.
In any event I eventually found the key and let Hansel out. But of course just as I thought my troubles might be over I saw Gretel going into my pottery kiln. I ran over to stop her from going in. But all of a sudden the little brat got behind me and shoved me in and then locked the door. When I got up and looked out the kiln window I saw the two of them running out the door.
Luckily for me I had an emergency switch put inside the kiln for just such an occasion. If it hadn't been there I would have been in trouble. The fires hadn't been lit but it would have taken me a long time to get out. Especially since the woodchuck wasn't due back for three more days.
Over the next few days I cleaned up the mess the kids had made and tried to bring order back to my house. I had just barely gotten it back to being semi-clean when the woodchuck walked in the door. He was carrying his suitcase but I noticed that he had a collected a few stickers for it from all the places he had been.
"Geez what happened her?" He asked.
"Believe me you do not want to know." I replied collapsing into a chair.
"Err...hey look I know this is sudden and all but can I talk to you about something."
I looked at him curiously. "Yeah sure what is it?"
"You see I sort of met someone on the trip. I'm gonna be moving back to the Bahamas with her, but do you want to come to. I mean they have a nice place to set up the house again."
"So your saying you want me to move?"
"If you don't want to that..."
"Move? As in away from the people down the road."
The woodchuck gave me an odd look. "Yeah...I guess."
"Well why didn't you say so sooner, come on Woody let's get packing."
"...O...K..."
We were done packing the house later that day. Yes I did say the house. After moving a few times I found that I simply couldn't bear leaving my old home behind after I had gotten so used to living in it. So a couple of years back I designed it to fold down to travel size. The actual process is complicated and I won't go into detail but I will say that it involves bubble paper, inflatable framework, and a rubber duck.
A month later and I was settled in the Bahamas. All I want to do now is put the incident behind me. However I've had no such luck. I found out a week later that those two little demons had sold their "story" to some Grim's writers and they had completely distorted the whole thing. Making me into some sadistic villain.
But this...this is my story. The real story. This is what truly happened. Please don't believe the awful lies they told about me in the story. After all who are you going to believe? A pair of snot nosed kids or a girl who just trying to get by with her woodchuck.