Act 1: And now for something completely Grailish part 1
Tonight's program features insanity behind the scenes and the beginning of the "Grail" gags.
Disclaimer: I don't own Mega Man X, its characters, The Monty Python Flying Circus, the sketches, movies, Jell-o, and just about everything and everyone else in between.
2nd Disclaimer: I am well aware that there are other writers who either have done, or are doing a MMX /MP&THG parody fics at this time here at To those authors, I mean no offense, theft, or disrespect of any kind whatsoever. The 'Grail' gags in this fic are stemmed purely from viewer request, an unknown reviewer.... it was gonna happen any way IMO
Things were not looking so good. Production had slowed to a crawl as Zero, Axel, Sigma, and Bass continued to act their aggressions on a writhing X. Not too far away, the others try to break up the frenzy.
Gate: You know guys, there's an invention called a "punching bag" that people use for this sort of thing. We're not going to finish if you kill one of the cast.
Bass: (turns around briefly) Go to hell! (goes back to pummeling X)
Sigma: I've never had this much fun in my life!
Ravenf6: You guys better stop this now, or suffer my wrath.
Bass: Oh yeah, and what can you, a lowly human like you do to us?
Ravenf6 (passes a hand over his face and is dressed in sorcerer's robe. He puts his hands together as a sphere of magic energy is focused in his palms.)
Bass: Is this 'magic?' Doesn't look very scary.
Ravenf6: You don't want me to take a page out of Bahamut's book and do a Mega flare on you, do ya?
Zero: What's a 'mega flare'?
Ravenf6: An all-encompassing blast of energy that surpasses any nuclear or atomic explosion. 'Tis the power of the great Dragon King.(The sphere begins to crackle violently)
The beating frenzy stops in pause-motion. X crawls to a safe distance in spite of many bruises and aching joints.
Axl: Uh, guys... I don't know about you, but I don't want to be blown to atoms.
Sigma: He's bluffing!
Gate: No he isn't. I've seen this before; its destructive power has wiped out entire landscapes in the blink of an eye. I've yet to create a machine capable of such magnitude, but it's THAT powerful!
X: Since when did you play the Final Fantasy games?
Gate: I have a hobby outside of the Nightmares.
Ravenf6: Last chance, guys.
Zero: (cringes) Damn.... All right you win.
Sigma: Wimp.
Ravenf6 turns towards Sigma and fires, the renegade reploid is blown to atom-sized molecules in the blast.
X: (wide-eyed) ... No way!!!
Axl: Ditto that. There's nothing left of him.
Zero: ....
Dr. Light. That's all well and good, but now we're short an actor again.
Ravenf6: That's easily remedied. (Snaps his finger and Sigma reappears, everyone looks confused, except for Sigma who was just dumfounded)
Sigma:?????
Ravenf6: How was death?
Sigma: Really boring. But what the hell did you do that to me for???
Ravenf6: Because I can. Now let's get a little organized around here. Roll, could you see if you can patch up your brother?
Roll: I'll try, but I think he needs an overhaul....
Dr. Cain: Well let's see.... Next up, we're doing the 12 Apostles sketch. This is only a two man sketch so are there any volunteers?
Axl: As long as it isn't a song, I'll do it.
Dr. Cain: Now we need someone with a sense of .... Authority.
Zero: Oh what the hell, I'm already half way in the river.
Ravenf6: Good! Let's get you fitted for costumes.
Half an hour passes slowly. Over in the control room, Light and Wily pass the time by playing chess.
Wily: In all my years, I've never seen such insanity in robotics.
Light: Tell me about it. If this is our future, things are looking very grim indeed. So... how's prison?
Wily: In a word, it's disgusting. With such pitiful living conditions, you'd figure out why everyone tries to break out.
Light: How do you think this will turn out?
Wily: You really want to know? I think that the author is going to destroy a lot of things before Bass and the others get the message.
Light: .. I'll take that bet.
Wily: What?
Light: I'll bet you 30 zenny that the next one to anger the writer will be. That Axl fellow.
Wily: You wish, I'd say Bass would get under his skin easily.
Light: You would bet against your own robot?
Wily: Bass has gotten on my nerves more times than I care to remember.
???: But what if either of them is beaten to the punch?
Light: Who's there?
Gate enters the control room.
Gate: I was wondering where you two wandered off. Plus, I heard everything.
Wily: (Looking smug) so you want to make a bet?
Gate: Gladly. I say Zero will be the next one to anger the writer.
Light: Oh drat, I forgot about him...
Wily: Curses! And for me to build such a magnificent robot only to not bet against him. I'm such a fool...
Gate: (looking smug) So we have a bet?
Light & Wily: Deal...
In the powder room, Roll faces the next-to-impossible task of trying to fix up his brother.
Roll: ...fat cheeks, dislocated nose and a broken jaw. Rock, what have you been doing all these years? Renting your head out as a battering ram?
X: (sarcastic) Very funny, Roll.
Roll: (picks up a small wash cloth) It its actually. I can understand fighting mavericks, but getting gangbanged by your own comrades is pretty embarrassing.
X: Not really. You forgot about Bass and Sigma.
Roll: That giant cue ball? (Pours a mysterious liquid onto the cloth) Sounds like it makes sense. Now hold still, this might sting a bit...(applies the wet cloth to X)
X: (Jumps out of his seat al la Tex Avery shorts) YEEEEOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Crashes back to his seat) What the heck is that???
Roll: (reads the bottle) "Colossus Brand liquid titanium treatment. Contains chemicals and elements that when applied, work likes a kind of iodine for reploids, even if there is no exposure to vital fluids.
X: It burns!
Roll: Oh shut yer trap. You brought it on yourself.
Back on the stage, the stage is ready for the next sketch but Axl and Zero are nowhere to be found.
Gate: Where the hell are those two? I thought they wanted to do this one?
Ravenf6: Apparently they have a problem with their costumes.
Gate: They already sang, what could be worse than that?
Just then: Dr. Cain prods the unfortunate pair with his polka remote. Axl is dressed as a pope, while Zero is dressed like a nobleman from the Renaissance.
Ravenf6: Hmm. This is very weird.
Axl: I don't know why you humans really need clothes outside the obvious reasons. I look like a geek in this!
Light: Maybe, but the pope is one of the most respected men in history. You should be honored to play the part.
Of stage, everyone hears Sigma snickering.
Axl: ..... Right....
Zero: I can't believe I actually wanted to do this bit.
Sigma comes out on stage with a video camera.
Sigma: I can't believe I hadn't thought of this sooner.
Zero: (really pissed) What the hell do you think you're doing, Sigma?
Sigma: I'm documenting the 'making of' video.
Zero (Takes out his beam saber) that's it; you're the straw that broke this hunter's back, Sigma!
Zero starts charging towards Sigma preparing to swing the deadly weapon when suddenly...
Ravenf6: Hold it, Zero!
Zero stops in mid swing.
Ravenf6: As much as you're gonna hate this. Sigma has every reason to chronicle this.
Zero: Don't tell me YOU commissioned this piece of sh-
Ravenf6: -(Slams a plate of steel over Zero's mouth before he could finish the sentence) Are you mad?? If you dare finish that sentence, we'll be blackballed for life! There are only a select few who can get away with words like that!
Zero: (stupefied silence)????
Ravenf6: Now, now, Zero. You're role in this bit is the artist who 's in conflict with the Pope about his latest masterpiece. (Removes Zero's steel plate)
Zero: OWW!!!..... When this is over, I'm going to kill you.
Ravenf6: I'll fight you anytime, Zero, but we have to get this production done.
And yea, doth the set be rigged in the fashion of the Renaissance, where Zero and Axl do prepare themselves....
"The 12 Apostles sketch" .... In a nutshell...
Once again, Wily, Light, Gate, Doppler, Roll, and Ravenf6 gather in the control room. This time Sigma, and X decide to join in. Gate ques in druid chanting string as the spot light shines on Axl, sitting on a throne dressed as the Pope. Bass comes in dressed as a messenger.
Bass: You're holiness, Michelangelo has arrived.
Axl: Who?
Bass: Michelangelo, the famous Renaissance artist whose works included the Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, and the celebrated Statue of David...-
Axl: -Alright already, they got the message; they know who he is.
Bass:.... But this is a rehearsal, there's no audience. (rim shot)
Axl: Send him in.
At the far left section of the stage, Zero becomes hesitant.
Zero: (from off stage) No way, there's no way I'm going out like this.
Dr. Cain: Then I guess I have to put on Polka remix #2 (takes out the remote)
Zero: (suddenly alarmed) No need!
(Zero comes out, dressed as a stuffy noble, looking very chagrined, everyone in the control room struggle to stifle their laughter.)
Zero: 'Evening, your Holiness.
Axl: Good evening, Michelangelo, I want to talk to you about your latest work: "The Last Supper."
Zero: Yeah?
Axl: I'm not happy about it.
Zero: Oh dear. That took me hours to paint.
Axl: Well I'm still not happy about it.
Zero: ...You didn't like the Jell-o in it, did you?
Axl: That's right.
Zero: But it's perfect.
Axl: Well I don't like it. You've made several mistakes.
Zero: What do you mean? I've got Christ and the Apostles there; it's the Last Supper.
Axl: That's just it: The Apostles.
Zero: What about them?
Axl: There are supposed to be 12 apostles.... You've painted 38.
Zero: ... Well, I thought they invited some of their friends over.
Axl: That's not the point: there are only 12 apostles. You're going to have to get rid of them.
Zero: Hey, it's MY work-
Axl: But I commissioned it! Now I want it back to normal!
Zero: But-!
Axl: 12 Apostles and Christ the lord!
Zero: All right...
Axl: That's not all though, in this painting, you also have clowns and animals? Explain!
Zero: Well this is supposed to be THE Last Supper, isn't?
Axl: Yes, but-
Zero: I didn't want this to be ANY "Last Supper"; I wanted this be the ultimate Last Supper.
Axl: But there isn't-
Zero: So I kicked it up a notch and made this an ultimate last supper.
Axl: (angry) No! I won't allow this: There are only 12 apostles and Christ! That's all!
Zero: ... You didn't like the kangaroos?
Axl: (really angry) NO!!!! 12 APOSTLES AND JESUS CHRIST: THAT'S IT!!!!
Zero: Oh come on! It's better this way!
Axl: I don't care! If you don't change it back, I'll cut your tongue out and make you eat it in a sandwich!
Zero: (angry) What do YOU care? You wouldn't know art if it came up and bit your face.
Axl: (takes out his guns) You want to make something of it?
Zero: (takes out his Z-saber) Are you asking for a whipping?
Ravenf6: Whoa! Whoa! whoa, guys. This is NOT how the act is supposed to go!
Zero: Did you hear us asking for your opinion? No, I think not!
Sigma: (from behind his camera) Heh heh heh. This stuff is golden!
Ravenf6: (his gaze turns to Axl and Zero) I warn you two. Do not tempt my wrath!
Zero: (mock fear) Ooh, did you hear that, Axl? He's getting angry!
Axl: (same as Zero) Oh no. Please don't hurt us.
Ravenf6: (a vein twitches slightly) If I am to get this production finished, I shall require your full cooperation. (Looks to his left) Dr. Cain, would you be so kind as to demonstrate who is master around here?
Dr. Cain: With pleasure. (Takes out his remote and pushes the button)
Zero and Axl's face begin to twitch in agony, then they both collapse to their knees, clutching their heads.
Zero: No!!!! Not again!
Axl: AGH!!!! This is too much to bear!!!
Ravenf6: (watches the agony of the two screaming hunters for a moment.) That's enough, doctor.
Afterwards....
Ravenf6: For what that bit was worth, that was pretty good. You guys should consider the entertainment industry.
Zero: (sarcastic) Wow, the guy's a genius! Oh, wait a second: we already ARE!!
Axl: I don't think that's a good idea, Zero.
Sigma: (recording on his camera) No, keep going, folks love the behind the scenes angst!
Zero: (sighs and slaps a hand to his brow)I've endured 100 years of boredom, dying twice, getting blown up by mavericks and mechinoloids for THIS??? It's a wonder I haven't snapped yet!!
Ravenf6: (passive) .... Your point being?
Zero: (angry) You're dreaming if you think I'm gonna put up with this!
Ravenf6: Ah, but Zero, the girls love you.
Zero: (curious)... Come again?
Ravenf6: Chicks love your bravado, it turns them on. They also love your humongous ponytail. Very stylish.
Zero: Really? ... Well, I guess it couldn't hurt.
Ravenf6: Now let's prepare for the next act.
Just then, a large ... thing... emerges from the floor, it is a skeleton wearing a flowing, ragged black robe and carrying a wicked sickle on his back
(The Grim Reaper from Maximo)
Grim: Hey guys!
Ravenf6: Grim! I didn't expect to see you here.
Grim: Word travels fast in the Netherworld. So you guys are doing a Monty Python show?
Dr. Doppler: Yes.
Grim: Cool! It hasn't been the same since I had to claim one of them.
Axl: So... what brings you here? ... You're (looks around nervously)... not claiming any one are you?
Grim: What? (Hides the sickle) Of course not! I LOVE Monty Python!
X and Roll come out from the powder room and turn white with fear upon spotting the specter of death
Roll: (Shriek!) It's DEAAAAAAAATTTTTTTHHHHHHHH!!!!!
X: !!
Roll: (clinging to his elder brother, screaming like crazy) AHH! I-DON'T-WANNA-DIE! X, BLAST-THE-DARN-THING, JUST-MAKE-IT-GO-AWAY!!!!
Everyone sweat drops.
Grim: ...Figures.. So... maestro, What you've got planned?
Ravenf6: Well, I was thinking of doing a couple of bits from "Monty Python & the Holy Grail". Any suggestions?
Grim: I know just the one: the "Black Knight Sketch!!"
Ravenf6: Excellent choice! Gate, Doppler! Get the forest scene ready. Wily, can you and Bass scare up some medieval weapons and armor? What are you guys waiting for, let's go!
Sigma: ... I don't think they understood.
Grim: Let me put it in English: (takes out his sickle) If you guys don't move it, I'm gonna start take an advance on you if you know what I mean!
A split second later, the entire stage is empty, save for raven and Grim.
Ravenf6: That was fast.
Grim: My other job is motivational instructor.
Raven: Is the pay good?
Grim: You have no idea...
Two hours later, the stage is transformed into a lush forest. On one end, there's a lonely tent, on the other, a bridge. Doppler and Gate exhibit the stage to the writer. At the far end, Dr. Wily fiddles with sheet metal.
Doppler: What do you think?
Raven: It's perfect! What about the costumes?
Wily: It's only smokestack shaped helmets. What more can we do?
Grim: Leave that to me. Now who's going to perform?
Ravenf6: Well, considering that neither Axl nor Zero want to humiliate themselves for a while, let's have X, Bass, and Sigma do it.
Sigma: (Comes from out of nowhere) Did someone mention my name?
Dr. Wily gets a wicked grin and stares at Ravenf6 who has an equally wicked grin on his face.
Ravenf6: Sigma, might we see you in wardrobe?
Sigma: You need me?
Wily: Yes, we've got the perfect costume for someone like you...
Ravenf6, Sigma, and Wily leave. X comes in reading a script followed by a grumpy looking Bass.
X: (mumbles the script) ..... This is something I could live with.
Bass: That's easy for you to say:
X: what's so bad? You don't have to say anything.
Bass: But my peasant outfit makes me look like an idiot! Who in their right mind would-
Ravenf6: (interrupts with a loudspeaker) Okay people; quiet on the set! Bass, X, Sigma, you know your lines by now so... Aw crap!
Gate: What is it?
Ravenf6: We're short again since Axl and Zero refuse to play this scene.
Gate: Couldn't you use your cosmic author powers to persuade them?
Ravenf6: It's not that simple, you can't just abuse such power. (starts pacing around) Who can we get to do the dirty work (a light bulb pops over his head). ... Someone ... charismatic... someone outgoing... someone...
A purple streak enters the room. A reploid in dark blue armor appears. He has short white hair, and red visor on his helmet. Sigma glared at this intruder with a contemptible sneer.
Dynamo: (sporting that cocky attitude he always does) You rang?Ravenf6: Unfortuneatly, yes. (Secretly grins an evil grin) Now here's what I need you to do...
After a brief explanation and costume change...
Dynamo: (In a green knight's costume) I can't see inside this helmet!
Sigma: (In black knight costume) At least yours fits. I can barely move in this chain mail suit.
Doppler: Well what did you expect when you have insanely large body armor?
Sigma: Let's get this over with...
X: (comes out dressed in a white tunic with a sun on it) This is so humiliating.... I'm no good with a sword!
Bass: Lucky me, but I really don't like the peasant look...oh well.
Ravenf6 signals the camera room to get ready.
Ravenf6: you all know your lines by now. (to camera room) Cue the music on my signal....ACTION!!!!
Gates starts playing the King Arthur theme. X moves like he's riding a horse when he's actually skipping along with peasant Bass banging a pair of coconut shells to simulate galloping.
SDFX: clip clop clip clop clip clop
????: ARGH!! (quick battle sounds)
Back to X and Bass "galloping"
sdfx: clip clop clip
????: YAHH!!!! (more battle)
Clip clop again
????: HAAAHH!!!!
X and Bass stop at a clearing and sees two knights, one green, one black, fighting a thrilling and barbaric sword fight.
Green knight: Argh!! (Slices at black knight but BK blocks it with his sword)
Black knight: Urrgh.... (Throws GN backwards and belts him on the head)
GK retaliates by grabbing a mace to smash BK, but BK kicks GK in the groin
GK: (high pitched) OUCH!!!
Raven6: CUT!!!!!! (Angry) Dynamo, you're not supposed to be THAT hurt!!!!
Dynamo: (doubled over in high pitch mode) but it hurts.... (groans)... it really hurts... I want a stunt double.
Sigma: Ha ha ha! I've wanted to do that for a very long time. Call me a cranky old grump, will you?
Ravenf6: You're reploids, you're not supposed to have those.... Family jewels... that's what sets us apart from you guys.
Dr. Cain: Maybe so, but since the abdominal area is structurally an important area between top and lower portion for the reploid body, it does have a low threshold for pain.
Ravenf6: ... I can't believe that actually made sense. (thinks) gives me an idea. (Waves his hand).
Dr. Cain: What is that?
Ravenf6: (booming voice) I hereby pass judgment: hence forth, all reploids will be equipped with a S-chip.
Everyone else on stage: "S-chip"?
Ravenf6: (normal voice) The S-chip, as I call it, allows reploids to acquire the six senses we human beings have, like sight, touch, smell, the other ones you originally weren't programmed with.
Sigma: I know we were already built with pain and touch, but that's a mouthful. ... SO. Should we get back to the scene?
Ravenf6: Let's do the last bit again.
Dynamo: Oh no, not the crotch smashing!
Ravenf6: We have no choice: unless we complete this scene, we're grounded.
IN the catwalk above the stage, a certain red hunter watches the madness from above.
Zero: (holding a camera much like the one Sigma used) Heh heh heh.. I never thought that would be so satisfying. Since old Siggy can't do anything about this, I'll just pick up the pieces where he left them.
Back on stage. Dynamo cringes anew as he becomes forced to redo the knee scene again.
Sigma hits the spot again; this time Dynamo jumps back groaning slightly
Ravenf6: CUT! I saw that Dynamo.
Dynamo: What?
Ravenf6: You're trying to fake the scene.
Dynamo: So? This kind of things been done for over 200 years in the film industry.
Ravenf6: But it looks so fake!
Dynamo: I had to do something! That accursed S-chip of yours is nothing but trouble.
Ravenf6: (sighs) Fine. But you owe me for this.
Dynamo: (looking worried) Why do I have the feeling I'm not going to like this?
Ravenf6: (yells through the loud speaker right next to Dynamo) ACTION!!!!!
Dynamo: (grabs a long sword and charges at Sigma) YAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!
Sigma throws his sword like a spear and it gores through Dynamo's helmet, blood gushes out of the visor and Dynamo collapses. Sigma walks up to the cadaver, draws out the sword and resumes his post in front of a bridge with his hands folded over the pommel.
X signals Bass to go on. The two "gallop" towards Sigma:
X: You fight with the strength of many men, good sir knight.
Sigma: (silence)...
X:... I am Arthur: King of the Britons.
Sigma: (silent again).....
X: ... I seek the finest and the bravest knights to join me in my court at Camelot.
Sigma: (silent yet again)...
X: ... You have proven yourself worthy. Will you join me?
Sigma: (silent beyond belief)...
X: .... You make me sad. So be it, (turns towards Bass) Come, Patsy!
Sigma: None shall pass.
X: What?
Sigma: None shall pass.
X: I've no quarrel with you, knight. But I must cross this bridge.
Sigma: Then you shall die.
X: (Looking irritated) I warned you. As King of the Britons, I command you to step aside!
Sigma: I move... for no man...
X: (angry) ... So be it! (Draws his sword ... but it slips out of his grasp)
Ravenf6: CUT!!! X, what are you doing?
X: I don't know; it's like that thing's a greased pig.
Upon closer inspection, the entire sword is covered in a slick liquid. Bass runs a sample between his fingers.
Bass: It's axle grease... But who would want to ruin the scene?
Everyone looks towards Axl, who was leaning against the wall.
Axl: Don't look at me: that's not my style.
Ravenf6: That leaves only one suspect. (Takes out a cell phone) Hey, Dr. Light, can you get everyone to assemble on the stage?
Light: (from his phone) All right...
Ravenf6: A sabateur. Ruin MY production, will he? At this rate, he will never live to see the next century!
Bass: So... what do we do in the meantime?
Ravenf6: Call for a coffee break, I'm going to get some donuts...(thinks to himself) If I find out who's behind this monkey wrench in my works, that fool will suffer most excruciatingly! (Turns around and sees Dynamo getting up with the sword still through his GK helmet.) You all right, Dynamo?
Dynamo: Thankfully this helmet's too big.. but now I can't see.
Ravenf6: (sweat drops) Oh, all right. Hold still so I can get that thing out...
Production down, yet again. Next time up, it's part two of the Black Knight Sketch, plus someone has incurred my terrible wrath. What's holding this thing all together? Find out that and more in our next chapter:
It's been a while since I've updated at all, yet I'm surprised to see there are some people still leaving reviews after all this time. I'd like to say thanks to the following people:
Hanae: I'm glad you liked it. and YES I'm planning to do the Spanish Inquisistion and the Dead Parrot Sketch, those are my favorites!
Bass GSX: A special thanks to you, man. I hope you liked the insanity, there's more to come in the next chapter.
Until next time, ladies and gents, Ja ne!
"Fun things you can do with an S-chip"