(A/N: I am not Jane Austen, thank goodness for that, or else I would have written Pride and Prejudice. But I'm not. So I didn't.)
VOLUME ONE
Chapter 1It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. Too bad it's not. Yet it somehow applies to Bingley.
Chapter 2
The Bennets plan to go to a ball.
Chapter 3They go to the ball. A bunch of dialogue occurs. Darcy smites Elizabeth figuratively. He sucks.
Chapter 4Bingley is infinitely superior to Darcy. Darcy sucks powerfully.
Chapter 5The Lucases come over and talk a bunch. Darcy still sucks powerfully.
Chapter 6Some stuff happens. Darcy starts liking Elizabeth. Everyone else still thinks he sucks powerfully.
Chapter 7The Bingleys invite Jane over for dinner. Mrs. Bennet concocts a plan to make Jane stay overnight. She thinks it is oh-so-clever. Jane gets sick. Elizabeth goes over because Jane gets sick. Darcy is powerfully suckily silent.
Chapter 8Miss Bingley tries to smite Jane but it doesn't quite work because Bingley is oh-so-very-smilingly-amiable. They talk a lot and the reader gets oh-so-very-bored.
Chapter 9Jane is still sick and therefore must stay. Mrs. Bennet thinks herself ingenious, but she is really just aggravating. More relatively pointless dialogue ensues.
Chapter 10Miss Bingley makes several sycophantic remarks on Darcy's handwriting. Bingley and Darcy get into a strangely uninteresting discussion about lampshades and masculinity. (Not really.)
Chapter 11Miss Bennet and Elizabeth walk around pointlessly. Darcy reads a book. Darcy doesn't like the fact that he likes Elizabeth. He still sucks ever-so-powerfully because Jane Austen wants to make her book as fat as possible by dragging out the plot.
Chapter 12Jane Austen talks a bunch. Elizabeth and Jane go home.
Chapter 13Collins writes a letter. Then he pops in for a visit. He apologizes a bunch. It is displeasing.
Chapter 14Collins praises Lady Catherine de Bourgh extensively. Meanwhile, Mr. Bennet is laughing hysterically and yet silently. They play backgammon for no apparent reason.
Chapter 15Collins decides he wants to marry Elizabeth. Wickham comes to town. He has a showdown with Darcy, which neither of them wins. Thus transpires Jane Austen's attempt at plot thickening.
Chapter 16Wickham hates on Darcy's family, thus making Darcy not only suck powerfully, but excruciatingly as well.
Chapter 17The Bennets go to another ball. Elizabeth accidentally dances with Collins, which sucks arbitrarily for her.
Chapter 18Jane Austen decides to write a garrulously long chapter. Darcy dances with Elizabeth. They talk about talking. She thinks he sucks inarticulately. In fact, the whole chapter sucks like vespertine phlegm.
Chapter 19Collins asks Elizabeth to marry him. She says no. He takes that for a yes. Collins actually sucks more exponentially than Darcy.
Chapter 20Collins decides that he doesn't want to marry Elizabeth anymore, thus confirming the contemplation of his sucking effervescently.
Chapter 21Miss Bingley writes a letter saying that she and her family (i.e. Bingley) will be going to London and probably will not be returning. This is blatantly a last-ditch attempt to smite Jane demoniacally. Jane is saccharinely optimistic that Miss Bingley is not trying to get her brother to marry Darcy's sister. This is, of course, a load of crap.
Chapter 22Collins decides to marry Charlotte Lucas, who agrees. Elizabeth is effectively smitten down because Charlotte is one of her best friends. Not that Elizabeth really cares that much.
Chapter 23Mrs. Bennet is super pissed.