(A/N: I am not Jane Austen, thank goodness for that, or else I would have written Pride and Prejudice. But I'm not. So I didn't.)
VOLUME TWO
Chapter 1Miss Bingley continues in her attempt to smite Jane. There is much dialogue. Wickham tells everyone that Darcy sucks superfluously.
Chapter 2The Gardiners, Mrs. Bennet's brother and sister-in-law, show up to visit. Other than that, nothing really happens.
Chapter 3Mrs. Gardiner tells Elizabeth not to fall in love with Wickham because he sucks financially. Jane goes with the Gardiners to London. Wickham starts paying attention to some random girl who just inherited a butt-load of money.
Chapter 4Elizabeth goes to visit Jane and the Gardiners. It is uneventful.
Chapter 5Elizabeth goes to visit Charlotte. Collins talks excessively about Lady Catherine. Lady Catherine's daughter walks by. Elizabeth laughs at her sickliness.
Chapter 6Collins tries to brag to Elizabeth about all the fun stuff he has, but she doesn't really care since he sucks swaggeringly. Miss De Bourgh is super sickly. Lady Catherine tries to smite Elizabeth's family.
Chapter 7Darcy and his cousin Fitzwilliam show up.
Chapter 8Fitzwilliam says some things about Darcy that make him suck less ostentatiously.
Chapter 9Darcy talks to Elizabeth, which is apparently intended to build up to the climax, but it doesn't really work unless the reader lives in the Victorian era.
Chapter 10Elizabeth "runs into" Darcy a lot when she wanders around in the park, but he is obviously stalking her. She thinks he sucks peripatetically. Fitzwilliam tells Elizabeth that Darcy saved a friend from an imprudent marriage, obviously referring to Bingley and Jane. This makes Elizabeth hate him even more.
Chapter 11Darcy asks Elizabeth to marry him even though her sisters are dumb and her family sucks universally, because he has not been able to repress his feelings although he has tried with every milligram of his being, and so now she cannot possibly refuse him because of his oh-so-irresistible virility. Elizabeth says that she would not marry him even if he were the last living thing on earth, because he is mean and sucks grandiosely although she has never given him any benefit of doubt, and so now he should just go away because his presence is making her oh-so-nauseous.
Chapter 12Darcy gives Elizabeth a letter, and then he runs away. Elizabeth reads the letter. It essentially says that he was not in the wrong for splitting Jane and Bingley up and that Wickham is a lying sack of poo. Signed, Fitzwilliam Darcy. The reader sympathizes with Darcy, but only because he has such an unfortunate first name.
Chapter 13Elizabeth ponders the letter.
Chapter 14Nothing really happens.
Chapter 15Elizabeth goes to the Gardiners' house. Then she and Jane go back home. Much yawning by the reader is the result.
Chapter 16Nothing really happens.
Chapter 17Elizabeth tells Jane that Wickham is actually a lying sack of poo. They decide that Wickham sucks mendaciously.
Chapter 18The regiment of soldiers moves to Brighton, which sucks coquettishly for Lydia. However, Colonel Forster's wife invites Lydia to go with them to Brighton. Elizabeth tells Wickham that he is a lying sack of poo.
Chapter 19Mrs. Gardiner invites Elizabeth to tour Derbyshire with her and Mr. Gardiner. Darcy's house is located in Derbyshire. This is blatant foreshadowing.