Severus watched as Hermione slept, book lying forgotten across his lap.
She looked more peaceful in her sleep than he remembered from the last
time. She finally cracked a bit, although she scared the hell out of him.
Hermione just did not seem to get it. She couldn't always accurately predict what people will do. She had no idea that Longbottom was a traitor. She was injured to the point of not knowing what was going on before she was held hostage by Voldemort. She fought in the war for her life, and seemed to still lose it. She was headed down the same destructive spiral that he himself had endured for many decades. He did not know what he was going to do to get her out of it.
'You know the kind of person she is. She will ask you questions to challenge you, she will push you away. It will be impossible to get her to listen to you if your experience has placed you in a place that she is already in or does not wish to end up in.'
Albus' words in his dream came back to him every time he tried to push her out of it. And it finally got through to him. She cannot be led by those who are lost themselves. He was yet to be free of his own regrets after who knows how long. Even thinking back to their argument, it was obvious that he could not forgive himself. But the hardest thing to do was not let it lead your life. Not to let it control you, immerse you in self-hatred. 'You should know that forgiving yourself is the one thing a person cannot do.' He thought to himself.
Hermione stirred on the bed, and Severus was by her side in an instant. She was still asleep, although she did no longer looked anywhere near peaceful. First things first, she can no longer take the dreamless sleep draught. He didn't know where she got her supply, considering that he never gave her any and they had no potions teacher as of yet. He would find out, and she would no longer get it. He would make sure of that.
He sat back in his chair. Next thing would be to get her to eat more. He would have to force her to the Great Hall, otherwise, she would continue to hide. She couldn't hide forever. He would also get her to work again. Do something to make her feel useful. If anything that was one of the things that Albus had him do that kept him going. Surely a workaholic such as herself could appreciate that.
Hermione stirred once again, this time releasing a small whimper. "No." She said. "Please." Severus got up from his chair and went to her side. Her head began to sway back and forth on the pillow, her limbs starting to move. He took one of her hands, and she began to cry. "Don't leave me." She whispered.
"I never will." He whispered back, lifting her hand to his mouth and placing a light kiss on the back. Her movements began to still again, and she sank deeper into sleep. Severus walked to his chair, and regarded the sleeping woman. She began to stir more violently as soon as he left her side. Getting up from his chair, he sat on the edge of the bed, lightly brushing her hair out of her face and wiping the tears from her eyes. He began to feel tired himself. He needed to go to bed. The stress was building up, causing his own restless sleep if he didn't get enough. He didn't want to leave her though.
Doing the only logical thing that was left than, he lay down beside her, bringing his arms around her waist, and pulling her closer to him. He looked at her face, and a few moments after he relaxed into position, her face began to relax. Her sleep seemed much more peaceful than it had a few moments ago. He watched his companion. She could get out of this. She could be happy again. She could be Hermione Granger once more. The Hermione Granger that everyone loved, including himself.
~@~
The first thing that Hermione noticed when she awoke was that her head was resting on the chest of the potions master. She could tell it was him, not only from the fact that he was in her quarters the night before, but also by the smell. He had a distinct aroma; sandlewood mixed with pine, as well as a hint of musk. His chest was moving up and down in a slow, regular pattern. 'He must still be asleep.' She thought. She couldn't figure out what he was doing in her bed, but she was grateful. His presence was comforting, and she suspected that she was able to sleep better because of it.
She thought she never deserved comfort again, but she couldn't bear to see the pain in his eyes when she pushed him away. He was suffering from the losses too. She looked up to his face. The indent between his eyes was almost invisible with his face relaxed in a peaceful sleep. He looked much younger than she ever remembered seeing him. She could feel his heart beating beneath her chin where she rested it on his chest. He seemed to have pulled the covers over the two of them sometime in the night, and both of them were still fully clothed, neither of them changed the previous evening.
She needed to get up. She didn't want to. She wanted to stay this way forever. It felt like heaven. But she needed to go to the bathroom. Beginning to get up, the arm around her waist tightened, and his eyes flew open.
"Good morning." He said, voice husky from sleep. He looked out the window beside the bed. "Well, good afternoon anyway." He corrected himself. He looked at her with concern. "Where are you going?"
"I just need to use the loo." She replied. His grip on her loosened, and she lifted herself up to go to the bathroom.
~@~
Severus had awoken before Hermione. He could sleep in as long as the next person, but he suspected that she was exhausted. He looked down at her. He still had his arm around her, and she was rested on his chest. She had grabbed his shirt, and was still holding onto it as she slept on. Her face was finally relaxed, and she began to look like her 18 years. He would wait for her to awaken on her own. Feeling and listening to her rhythmic breathing, he drifted in and out of sleep for hours.
When she finally stirred, he was afraid that she was having another nightmare. When she lifted her head to look at him, he was afraid that she would be angry with him for sleeping beside her and continued to feign sleep. But she simply watched him. He watched her back through slit eyes, watching for any signs at all. It was when she began to move out of his grip that he suddenly realized that he did not wish her to go. He felt quite content to remain where they were.
Opening his eyes, he said, "Good morning." Looking out the window and mentally measuring the position of the sun, he realized that it was already afternoon, and corrected himself. He was concerned that she was trying to leave because of their current position, and fully expected it. But when she seemed to not mind, he gave an unnoticeable sigh of relief. He felt her pull away, and he had to ask, "Where are you going?"
"I just need to use the loo." She replied, and he allowed his grip on her to loosen. Once she left the bedroom in retreat to the bathroom, he felt a temporary sense of loss. It had been a night devoid of the nightmares that had plagued him for years. He felt ridiculously safe and protective with her.
Once the door to the bathroom opened again, she stood at the frame looking at him. Finally, she opened her mouth to speak. "I'm sorry." She said.
He sat up and looked back at her. "Sorry for what, specifically?" He asked.
"For what happened last night. I didn't mean to make you panic." She said.
"Hermione," He wasn't sure how to say this. "Hermione, do you know why I care?" He asked.
Hermione thought for a moment. It had been one of many things that had occupied her thoughts. She shook her head in the negative.
"I care because I've been where you are. I know what it was like to stand and do nothing to help stop the suffering, the death. I told you last night when you asked if I knew what it was like to stand there and do nothing, I know so. It's because I do. Every time I took the life of an innocent, I felt disgusted with myself. To think that I would stoop to their level. For the greater good or not, I may not have liked myself when I did nothing, but I absolutely loathed myself when I participated."
Hermione understood. "But, it's all from perspective. When I had used the killing curse on some of the Death Eaters, I did not feel so. . .so. . .foul as I did when I watched those around me die." She said.
"Yes, but you must understand, it would have either been them or you. And trust me when I say that the world needs people like you." He replied.
She lowered her gaze to look at the floor. "I don't know why. I mean, I can understand what you mean about the world being better with those who do not enjoy the carnage like they had, but I'm pretty well useless right now. I can honestly say that I believe that I have wasted the time since the battle since I can think of nothing productive that I have done."
Severus stood from the bed and walked across the room to her. He placed two fingers lightly under her chin and lifted her face to gaze into her eyes. "Hermione, that is because you have not allowed yourself to do anything but loath yourself. I know that it will be nearly impossible for you to forgive what you thought you did wrong. But now, I must ask you a favour." She looked up at him confused. "There are some. . .vacancies" he said hesitantly, "that must be filled amongst the staff." She, again, lowered her gaze and nodded. "I wish to ask you if you could fill the spot for the Arithmancy professor."
Hermione looked back at him. "You have put up with me all these months. I think it would be more of repaying your kindness than a favour." She said. "Of course I'll do it."
"Thank you." He looked over at the clock on her nightstand. "It's lunch time. I suggest we make an appearance in the Great Hall." Her head snapped back up.
"Severus, I don't think I'm ready to make an appearance yet." She said.
"Hermione, the remaining staff is very worried about you. For them, and for me. Please." He said. She hesitated for a few moments before reluctantly nodding, and allowed him to lead her out of her chambers.
~@~
"Hermione, my dear. What a pleasant surprise." Flitwick exclaimed. "How are you? Sit down, sit down, my dear."
Hermione smiled politely at the charms professor. Taking a seat between him and Severus, she turned to him. "I'm doing better." She said, honestly. It almost made Severus grin. But he caught himself before anyone noticed. "How have you been?" She asked.
"Well, same old. Getting my lesson plans in order for the new students. I'm sure Severus misses that. I can just see him sitting at his desk in the dungeons with an evil grin on his face as he imagines the results of a poorly brewed aging potion." Flitwick chuckled.
"Filius, really." Severus interrupted. "And it's not the aging potions I usually imagine."
Hermione giggled a bit at him. "Besides, now I'm busy thinking of ways to scare off potential professors. If they can survive an interview with me, than they have the right stuff. Personally, I'm hoping to get a potions professor who's even more vindictive than I am."
"Good luck." Professor Sprout spoke up. "You'll need it."
"Thank you, Athena." Severus said.
They continued lunch with amiable conversation. At the conclusion, Severus brought Hermione to his office, formerly Albus' office, to discuss what she would need to do before the students arrived.
"I can give you the lesson plans and basic outlines that Professor Vector had used." Severus said. "I need to get your final drafts by mid August so that I can review them and approve them." Hermione nodded her head in understanding. "If you have any difficulties or any questions, do not hesitate to ask."
"Just one question, Severus." She said. "I'm interested in pursuing some more education for myself, and wish to look up some correspondence courses in the meantime."
"Don't over exert yourself, Hermione." He replied with concern. "The last thing I want is a repeat of your near burnout at the end of your third year."
"Just one or two courses at a time." Hermione replied. "You know I love nothing more than learning the facts. Plus, with the added education built up over the years, and having many qualified people around me in case I have any problems, it would help if there were classes that need to be filled, or if I decide to move away from Arithmancy. Keep my options open."
Severus looked at the woman across his desk. Something didn't seem right. Just yesterday, she seemed to feel like she had nothing to live for. Not even 18 hours later, she's planning to get involved in too many things at once. Seemed like she was overcompensating. He didn't expect her to feel completely right today, and he knew he'd have to still keep an eye on her. Looks like now instead of hiding away inside rooms, she'll try hiding away in her books and use the excuse that she's too busy to be around others. But her education always did make her feel happier. He compromised with his thoughts.
"Well, first, I want to see your lesson plans completed. After that, we'll discuss some courses you can take. But no more than two at a time." He said firmly.
"Understood, sir." Hermione said, sounding a bit disappointed in the restriction. 'Oh well, there's always the summer to take more.' She thought.
Severus handed her the information retrieved from Vector's office, and dismissed her. "And your presence is required at dinner this evening, Hermione." He said, remembering that she needed a bit of weight on her. "I'll drag you kicking and screaming if I have to. I'm sure the rest of the staff would find that amusing." He smirked.
A slight smile touched her lips before she nodded and left the office.
A/N:
The line 'You should know that forgiving yourself is the one thing a person cannot do.' Is from the movie 'Along Came A Spider.' Good movie!!
Hermione just did not seem to get it. She couldn't always accurately predict what people will do. She had no idea that Longbottom was a traitor. She was injured to the point of not knowing what was going on before she was held hostage by Voldemort. She fought in the war for her life, and seemed to still lose it. She was headed down the same destructive spiral that he himself had endured for many decades. He did not know what he was going to do to get her out of it.
'You know the kind of person she is. She will ask you questions to challenge you, she will push you away. It will be impossible to get her to listen to you if your experience has placed you in a place that she is already in or does not wish to end up in.'
Albus' words in his dream came back to him every time he tried to push her out of it. And it finally got through to him. She cannot be led by those who are lost themselves. He was yet to be free of his own regrets after who knows how long. Even thinking back to their argument, it was obvious that he could not forgive himself. But the hardest thing to do was not let it lead your life. Not to let it control you, immerse you in self-hatred. 'You should know that forgiving yourself is the one thing a person cannot do.' He thought to himself.
Hermione stirred on the bed, and Severus was by her side in an instant. She was still asleep, although she did no longer looked anywhere near peaceful. First things first, she can no longer take the dreamless sleep draught. He didn't know where she got her supply, considering that he never gave her any and they had no potions teacher as of yet. He would find out, and she would no longer get it. He would make sure of that.
He sat back in his chair. Next thing would be to get her to eat more. He would have to force her to the Great Hall, otherwise, she would continue to hide. She couldn't hide forever. He would also get her to work again. Do something to make her feel useful. If anything that was one of the things that Albus had him do that kept him going. Surely a workaholic such as herself could appreciate that.
Hermione stirred once again, this time releasing a small whimper. "No." She said. "Please." Severus got up from his chair and went to her side. Her head began to sway back and forth on the pillow, her limbs starting to move. He took one of her hands, and she began to cry. "Don't leave me." She whispered.
"I never will." He whispered back, lifting her hand to his mouth and placing a light kiss on the back. Her movements began to still again, and she sank deeper into sleep. Severus walked to his chair, and regarded the sleeping woman. She began to stir more violently as soon as he left her side. Getting up from his chair, he sat on the edge of the bed, lightly brushing her hair out of her face and wiping the tears from her eyes. He began to feel tired himself. He needed to go to bed. The stress was building up, causing his own restless sleep if he didn't get enough. He didn't want to leave her though.
Doing the only logical thing that was left than, he lay down beside her, bringing his arms around her waist, and pulling her closer to him. He looked at her face, and a few moments after he relaxed into position, her face began to relax. Her sleep seemed much more peaceful than it had a few moments ago. He watched his companion. She could get out of this. She could be happy again. She could be Hermione Granger once more. The Hermione Granger that everyone loved, including himself.
~@~
The first thing that Hermione noticed when she awoke was that her head was resting on the chest of the potions master. She could tell it was him, not only from the fact that he was in her quarters the night before, but also by the smell. He had a distinct aroma; sandlewood mixed with pine, as well as a hint of musk. His chest was moving up and down in a slow, regular pattern. 'He must still be asleep.' She thought. She couldn't figure out what he was doing in her bed, but she was grateful. His presence was comforting, and she suspected that she was able to sleep better because of it.
She thought she never deserved comfort again, but she couldn't bear to see the pain in his eyes when she pushed him away. He was suffering from the losses too. She looked up to his face. The indent between his eyes was almost invisible with his face relaxed in a peaceful sleep. He looked much younger than she ever remembered seeing him. She could feel his heart beating beneath her chin where she rested it on his chest. He seemed to have pulled the covers over the two of them sometime in the night, and both of them were still fully clothed, neither of them changed the previous evening.
She needed to get up. She didn't want to. She wanted to stay this way forever. It felt like heaven. But she needed to go to the bathroom. Beginning to get up, the arm around her waist tightened, and his eyes flew open.
"Good morning." He said, voice husky from sleep. He looked out the window beside the bed. "Well, good afternoon anyway." He corrected himself. He looked at her with concern. "Where are you going?"
"I just need to use the loo." She replied. His grip on her loosened, and she lifted herself up to go to the bathroom.
~@~
Severus had awoken before Hermione. He could sleep in as long as the next person, but he suspected that she was exhausted. He looked down at her. He still had his arm around her, and she was rested on his chest. She had grabbed his shirt, and was still holding onto it as she slept on. Her face was finally relaxed, and she began to look like her 18 years. He would wait for her to awaken on her own. Feeling and listening to her rhythmic breathing, he drifted in and out of sleep for hours.
When she finally stirred, he was afraid that she was having another nightmare. When she lifted her head to look at him, he was afraid that she would be angry with him for sleeping beside her and continued to feign sleep. But she simply watched him. He watched her back through slit eyes, watching for any signs at all. It was when she began to move out of his grip that he suddenly realized that he did not wish her to go. He felt quite content to remain where they were.
Opening his eyes, he said, "Good morning." Looking out the window and mentally measuring the position of the sun, he realized that it was already afternoon, and corrected himself. He was concerned that she was trying to leave because of their current position, and fully expected it. But when she seemed to not mind, he gave an unnoticeable sigh of relief. He felt her pull away, and he had to ask, "Where are you going?"
"I just need to use the loo." She replied, and he allowed his grip on her to loosen. Once she left the bedroom in retreat to the bathroom, he felt a temporary sense of loss. It had been a night devoid of the nightmares that had plagued him for years. He felt ridiculously safe and protective with her.
Once the door to the bathroom opened again, she stood at the frame looking at him. Finally, she opened her mouth to speak. "I'm sorry." She said.
He sat up and looked back at her. "Sorry for what, specifically?" He asked.
"For what happened last night. I didn't mean to make you panic." She said.
"Hermione," He wasn't sure how to say this. "Hermione, do you know why I care?" He asked.
Hermione thought for a moment. It had been one of many things that had occupied her thoughts. She shook her head in the negative.
"I care because I've been where you are. I know what it was like to stand and do nothing to help stop the suffering, the death. I told you last night when you asked if I knew what it was like to stand there and do nothing, I know so. It's because I do. Every time I took the life of an innocent, I felt disgusted with myself. To think that I would stoop to their level. For the greater good or not, I may not have liked myself when I did nothing, but I absolutely loathed myself when I participated."
Hermione understood. "But, it's all from perspective. When I had used the killing curse on some of the Death Eaters, I did not feel so. . .so. . .foul as I did when I watched those around me die." She said.
"Yes, but you must understand, it would have either been them or you. And trust me when I say that the world needs people like you." He replied.
She lowered her gaze to look at the floor. "I don't know why. I mean, I can understand what you mean about the world being better with those who do not enjoy the carnage like they had, but I'm pretty well useless right now. I can honestly say that I believe that I have wasted the time since the battle since I can think of nothing productive that I have done."
Severus stood from the bed and walked across the room to her. He placed two fingers lightly under her chin and lifted her face to gaze into her eyes. "Hermione, that is because you have not allowed yourself to do anything but loath yourself. I know that it will be nearly impossible for you to forgive what you thought you did wrong. But now, I must ask you a favour." She looked up at him confused. "There are some. . .vacancies" he said hesitantly, "that must be filled amongst the staff." She, again, lowered her gaze and nodded. "I wish to ask you if you could fill the spot for the Arithmancy professor."
Hermione looked back at him. "You have put up with me all these months. I think it would be more of repaying your kindness than a favour." She said. "Of course I'll do it."
"Thank you." He looked over at the clock on her nightstand. "It's lunch time. I suggest we make an appearance in the Great Hall." Her head snapped back up.
"Severus, I don't think I'm ready to make an appearance yet." She said.
"Hermione, the remaining staff is very worried about you. For them, and for me. Please." He said. She hesitated for a few moments before reluctantly nodding, and allowed him to lead her out of her chambers.
~@~
"Hermione, my dear. What a pleasant surprise." Flitwick exclaimed. "How are you? Sit down, sit down, my dear."
Hermione smiled politely at the charms professor. Taking a seat between him and Severus, she turned to him. "I'm doing better." She said, honestly. It almost made Severus grin. But he caught himself before anyone noticed. "How have you been?" She asked.
"Well, same old. Getting my lesson plans in order for the new students. I'm sure Severus misses that. I can just see him sitting at his desk in the dungeons with an evil grin on his face as he imagines the results of a poorly brewed aging potion." Flitwick chuckled.
"Filius, really." Severus interrupted. "And it's not the aging potions I usually imagine."
Hermione giggled a bit at him. "Besides, now I'm busy thinking of ways to scare off potential professors. If they can survive an interview with me, than they have the right stuff. Personally, I'm hoping to get a potions professor who's even more vindictive than I am."
"Good luck." Professor Sprout spoke up. "You'll need it."
"Thank you, Athena." Severus said.
They continued lunch with amiable conversation. At the conclusion, Severus brought Hermione to his office, formerly Albus' office, to discuss what she would need to do before the students arrived.
"I can give you the lesson plans and basic outlines that Professor Vector had used." Severus said. "I need to get your final drafts by mid August so that I can review them and approve them." Hermione nodded her head in understanding. "If you have any difficulties or any questions, do not hesitate to ask."
"Just one question, Severus." She said. "I'm interested in pursuing some more education for myself, and wish to look up some correspondence courses in the meantime."
"Don't over exert yourself, Hermione." He replied with concern. "The last thing I want is a repeat of your near burnout at the end of your third year."
"Just one or two courses at a time." Hermione replied. "You know I love nothing more than learning the facts. Plus, with the added education built up over the years, and having many qualified people around me in case I have any problems, it would help if there were classes that need to be filled, or if I decide to move away from Arithmancy. Keep my options open."
Severus looked at the woman across his desk. Something didn't seem right. Just yesterday, she seemed to feel like she had nothing to live for. Not even 18 hours later, she's planning to get involved in too many things at once. Seemed like she was overcompensating. He didn't expect her to feel completely right today, and he knew he'd have to still keep an eye on her. Looks like now instead of hiding away inside rooms, she'll try hiding away in her books and use the excuse that she's too busy to be around others. But her education always did make her feel happier. He compromised with his thoughts.
"Well, first, I want to see your lesson plans completed. After that, we'll discuss some courses you can take. But no more than two at a time." He said firmly.
"Understood, sir." Hermione said, sounding a bit disappointed in the restriction. 'Oh well, there's always the summer to take more.' She thought.
Severus handed her the information retrieved from Vector's office, and dismissed her. "And your presence is required at dinner this evening, Hermione." He said, remembering that she needed a bit of weight on her. "I'll drag you kicking and screaming if I have to. I'm sure the rest of the staff would find that amusing." He smirked.
A slight smile touched her lips before she nodded and left the office.
A/N:
The line 'You should know that forgiving yourself is the one thing a person cannot do.' Is from the movie 'Along Came A Spider.' Good movie!!