"We can't do this anymore. I can't see you again,"
I began, pretending to myself that this was just another break up. That all I needed to say were a few of the usual empty platitudes, and it would all end.
"Where has this come from?"
He regarded me suspiciously, in that way he had that made me fear he could see everything I was thinking. "I...I've met someone else."
"So?"
"Someone I care about. Someone I want to be with,"
That stung him. I saw that. And who cared that it was a lie? That actually the day beforehand I had split up with the very person I was referring to, using him as an excuse in that instance.
"All this time, you've just been stringing me along. Comfort till something better comes along,"
He sounded hurt. What the hell did I expect? All he said had been true, and that made me feel such a horrible person. Now I was severing ties because I had to run. Things had become too complicated, and I had to run away.
"Don't...that's not fair,"
My expression was, I knew, fixed and cold. I had to keep my distance. It made breaking my heart easier. "What else was this? You used me..."
"About as much as I was used..."
I fired back, attempting self-righteous, achieving pathetic and defensive.
"So what were we? What would you call it? An arrangement?"
The word cut cold into my heart, sounding so empty, so hollow. It was. What we had had was hollow, was empty.
"If you like. Mutually beneficial, but not exclusive,"
I could see he was getting wound up.
"Some sort of business deal? What the hell way is that to deal with other people?"
"Hurt or get hurt,"
My retort was immature, not to mention slightly sad.
"Were you always this cold? You've been...its low, even for me, what you've done is low,"
Did he think I didn't already know that? Did he think he was hurting me with this? I couldn't hurt any more than I already did.
"You were hardly an innocent party,"
"I was at your beck and call. Do you want to know why? Do you even care?"
"I thought it suited you. No ties and all,"
"Shows what you know. No ties, that's a joke,"
"It was working,"
I tried to insist, knowing I was losing. Knowing he was trying to make me stay.
"No, no it wasn't. Physically, yes, it was great. Mentally, it was exhausting,"
"We agreed not to let this fuck us up,"
The strength of my language shocked me too. What did I expect this would do? Of course it fucked us up. How could this not mess with your head? How did I not see this would end this way?
"But I have. I've let it get to me,"
His tone was impassioned and it took all the strength I had not to cave.
"No. No, I'm not hearing this,"
"The only reason I got involved was the vain hope you'd change your mind, the only reason I stayed involved was that sex was better than nothing at all, maybe I was wrong,"
"You were wrong. I'm going to walk away before you say something we both regret,"
Tears stung the back of my eyes, but I couldn't let him see he'd gotten to me. He couldn't see me cry over him.
"Like I love you?"
"Exactly."
"Walk away. Turn and walk, but its still there. Fuck it, I'm in love with you and if you never saw it you're more blinkered than I thought,"
I saw it. That's why I had to walk away. I wished I could tell him that, but I couldn't. I walked away not because I didn't want to acknowledge how he felt, but because I was pregnant and I couldn't tell him for sure it was his child.