Kel sat down at a table by herself in the mess. It was the end of dinner and she felt that she could finish reading the comics undisturbed.
All of the sudden the newspaper was ripped out of her hands and thrown across the room, down Thayet's blouse, never to return. Kel began to cry; she hadn't read Dilbert yet!
"It's okay," Lady Alanna said after admiring her marksmanship for a minute. "I'll tell you a story, then you'll feel better."
Kel sniffled.
"It's actually a very interesting story. It's the story of my life," said Alanna, beaming. Kel was too distraught to sense the danger she was in.
"Well, you see, it all started when I was concieved..."
Five minutes later Kel realized she was going to die of boredom if she didn't escape. She quickly caught Thayet's attention and told her who had thrown the paper. Thayet charged over with her knife and a banana from her dinner.
She tapped Alanna on the back and put the banana in her pocket. She began squeezing the knife and proceeded to stuff it down Alanna tunic. Then she grabbed the banana and began jabbing it in Alanna's face. When the banana began oozing onto her fingers and Alanna's face, Thayet looked down at her hands in horror.
"Gods, why must I fail at everything I do?" she screamed. "Knives are for stabbing! I'm a moron!" With that she ran off, smashing the banana into her head repeatedly.
Fortunately, Kel had escaped during the mayhem. She had to find another newspaper though. Where to look, where to look?
"The men's bathroom," she cried out. Now she just needed an excuse to go there.
She decided her story centered around seeing Neal running around without a shirt. She had needed to vomit and that was the closest bathroom. Excellent. Most of the men in the palace had seen Neal without a shirt and would understand.
Suddenly, from around a corner, Alanna appeared. She hadn't stopped talking yet.
"And then I slept with the heir to the throne, you know, King Jon? Well back then he was Prince Jon. One time, when I was a squire, Raoul caught us kissing, but he just winked and walked away. To this day I still wonder what that wink was about..."
Kel screamed and barged through the bathroom door. Alanna followed behind her with her never ending monologue.
"Ahh!" shrieked a man, much the same way my ten year old sister does when Aaron Carter comes on the TV.
"I need a newspaper," shouted Kel, pulling out her sword.
"Why?" everyone in the room stopped what they were doing to ask.
"Because, uh, uh..."
Neal, something about Neal. Think of a story. Curse my short memory.
"I need to smack Neal with it," Kel finished.
Everyone in the bathroom looked at one another in understanding, then quickly averting their eyes because you just don't look at another man when he's using the urinal.
"He's been having his accidents again, then?" asked Duke Baird.
"Yes sir," replied Kel.
"We have no newspapers in here," announced the man who had shrieked, "but I shall quest with you to find one."
"Uh, okay," said Kel.
"My name is Sir Payne of Theass. You met my nephew, Joren, I believe"
"Yesssssss"
"Then we're practically friends already."
"We are?"
"Yes, dear lady. I never liked the lad, for he was always stealing my shampoo and conditioner."
Alanna broke in saying, "When I was a boy I didn't use shampoo and conditioner. Well, I wasn't really a boy and I did take baths once a month..."