Note to reviewers: RyuuRaigeki, the original script format is on if you're still interested in putting it on your site – I'm flattered beyond measure that you'd want to! Seneti, I'll hurry and rewrite the last chapter if you'll update your story too! Takako san, I completely agree with you about the red dress, and you can prance around whenever you like, no need to apologize for doing the happy dance! Last but not least, Meirav – welcome back, and I love your new name (MeyRevived). Thanks again for re-reviewing!

Disclaimer: This is a parody of X. X, the characters, plot, etc. do not belong to me.

Warning: The story contains plot spoilers, besides mangling the plot for the convenience of the author! As always, please do review.

X PARODY CHAPTER 4: MORE MIDDLES

PART ONE: An ice cream shop in Tokyo. Yuzuriha and Kusanagi sit at a booth, eating ice cream.

Yuzuriha bounces for joy in her seat. "Thanks for meeting me here, Mr. Kusanagi! Inuki and I missed you!"

Kusanagi smiles indulgently. "No problem. I love spending my limited time off with kids half my age in ice cream stores. Now what did you want to know about me?"

"Absolutely everything!" Yuzuriha cries.

At that moment a pink lightning bolt strikes somewhere in the city outside the ice cream shop's window.

Yuzuriha begins edging herself out of the booth. "Oh, I uh, just remembered something I've got to do. I've got to go."

Kusanagi ostentatiously looks at his watch. "Gee, look at the time. By a strange coincidence, I too have just remembered something I've got to do." Both run out the door like the hounds of hell are on their heels.

Yuzuriha runs toward lightning bolt as an earthquake begins to destroy the city. Thinking fast, she erects a green force shield to minimize the danger. Machine cables thrust their way out of buildings and attempt to capture her. "Yikes! Whichever Dragon of Earth you are, you should know that what you are doing is very wrong!" She whips out her spirit sword and cuts the cables as she leaps to the top of a building along with Inuki, the dog. "Why would you do such a mean, horrible thing? Don't you care that you could kill innocent people?"

From the wall of a skyscraper a flat screen pulls itself off the wall hangs mid air, held aloft by cables, and confronts Yuzuriha. Satsuki's face appears in the screen.

"Why is it wrong to kill humans?" asks Satsuki from the screen. "Humans kill other creatures, so logically shouldn't they be killed as well?"

"What?!" Exclaims Yuzuriha.

Satsuki's emotionless voice continues. "It's a simple question. What's so special about humans? Why not kill them all? After all, they kill animals. What's the difference?"

"Because only psychos kill other humans just for the heck of it?" offers Yuzuriha uncertainly.

Satsuki's image sniffs. "That answer does not compute. I will place it in the form of a syllogism. All psychos kill humans for the heck of it. I kill humans for the heck of it. Therefore I am a psycho. Hmm. I don't like that one. I will try again. It is wrong to kill humans for the heck of it. Dogs are not humans. Therefore it is OK to kill dogs. I will now kill your dog just to see how you react." She sends cables to kill Yuzuriha's dog.

"Inuki!" Yuzuriha exclaims, and begins to sob hysterically. "It's all my fault because I couldn't answer the pop quiz question! I couldn't remember why it's wrong to kill humans."

Kusanagi appears, grabs Yuzuriha, and pulls her to safety. "Sure you do. It's grief! Killing humans causes grief, therefore killing humans is bad."

Yuzuriha continues crying hysterically.

Kusanagi begins to look desperate as Yuzuriha continues to cry. "Please don't cry. I'm a big softhearted male who can't stand to see a girl cry. What can I do to stop you? I know! How about we go shopping for new clothes since your school uniform's pretty thrashed?"

Yuzuriha sniffles and looks at him inquisitively. "Can we stop for ice cream?"

"Will you stop crying?"

Yuzuriha gulps back tears and smiles. "It's a deal."

Meanwhile back in Kanoe's lair in the room where Beast, Satsuki's super computer resides, the cables attaching Satsuki to the machine retract and she sits up.

"Curious. The girl grieves over a dumb animal. That is illogical."

Yuto strolls into the room, dressed in his usual dapper pink suit. "Not necessarily. All humans grieve over un-necessary deaths."

Satsuki looks at him. "I don't"

Yuto wrinkles his brow, consideringly. "Er, I'm not sure you're entirely human."

"That explains it then."

Later, Yuzuriha walks home in her new outfit, singing show tunes from Rogers and Hammerstein's 'South Pacific'.

"I'm in love I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love; I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love I'm in love, I'm in love with a wonderful guy." Sings Yuzuriha at the top of her lungs.

Fuma appears. "Ah ha, a Dragon of Heaven in a good mood. I will now go and ruin her day." He walks up to Yuzuriha and says, "Pop quiz, think fast. Would you be better off dead or not?"

Yuzuriha jumps back. "Ack! A Dragon of Earth!" She erects a barrier field as Fuma chases her across the Tokyo landscape, thrashing buildings in his wake until he traps her at the edge of a spit of concrete high above the city.

Fuma grins. "You're dog's dead, you might as well too. You really want to die, don't you? It's your lucky day! I grant wishes." He approaches, and draws back his hand to plunge it through her chest.

Yuzuriha lifts her hands defensively. "No! If I die, the barrier field will fail and lots of people will die. Plus, I'll never eat ice cream again." A little dog spirit appears at the word "ice cream" and attacks Fuma.

Fuma jumps back and nearly runs into Kusanagi, watching from behind a stack of rubble. "Planning to kill me, Kusanagi?"

Kusanagi answers sarcastically. "Why would I want to do that? You're such a charmer. Picking on little girls, masterminding the end of all humanity. What's not to like?"

Fuma, completely missing the sarcasm, smiles. "Why thank you."

PART TWO: A typical government building. Karen stands at a writing cubicle filling out forms as Seiichiro walks by with a preoccupied look on his face, clutching a thin sheaf of papers in his hand.

Karen muses to herself. "Oh look, there's Seiichiro. What a complete coincidence that we both happen to be filing government forms on the same day."

Seiichiro walks up to one of the bank teller like windows manned by none other than Yuto, in his spiffy pink suit. "Hi, I'd like to file for divorce."

Karen nearly overbalances as she leans closer to eavesdrop. "Goodness! I thought he was one of the nice guy types who stays married!"

Yuto frowns. "Are you sure? You look like one of those nice guys who stays married."

Seiichiro sighs. "Yes, I'm sure. You see there's a cataclysmic battle coming and I want to protect my wife by divorcing her, so my enemies won't come after her because they'll think I don't love her anymore."

"Gee, what a swell thing to do. Unfortunately, by a strange coincidence, it turns out that I'm a Dragon of Earth and therefore one of your enemies, so your plan is a bit off. By the way, does your wife know why you're dumping her?" Yuto asks, brightly.

Seiichiro looks abashed. "Uh, no. I forgot to tell her."

"Riiight." Yuto lets a few seconds go by then continues. "Want to fight later at the Tokyo Train station?"

Seiichiro shrugs. "Sure. Why not?" He walks away from the window.

Karen catches up to Seiichiro. "Seiichiro! We need to talk. Want to have some tea?"

Later on, at Karen's apartment, Seiichiro and Karen sit on the sofa and talk.

Seiichiro picks up a bedraggled looking teddy bear from the sofa. "Nice bear."

Karen smiles and puts the stuffed toy on a chair and pours it a cup of tea, then one for herself and Seiichiro. "So, filing for divorce to protect your family, huh?"

Seiichiro takes the tea. "Yes, but after the battle when this is all over, I'll remarry my wife."

Karen smiles sadly. "I knew it. All the good men are already taken. Well, since you've got a family who loves you, I should go fight Yuto in your place. After all, I don't have a family who'd miss me or cry over me if I should die. Except Mr. Bear," she nods at the teddy bear, "and he can't cry."

Seiichiro sets his teacup down, alarmed. "Absolutely not. Nice guys who always stay married like me have a noble streak a mile wide. I couldn't possibly agree to that."

Karen smiles again. "I knew that too. That's why I drugged your tea."

Seiichiro says, "...?" Thud. He falls over.

Later at Tokyo train station, Karen waits in a long, full-length form fitting black dress. Nataku shows up.

Karen frowns. "Hey! You're not Yuto."

Nataku stares at her. "You're not Seiichiro."

"What an odd coincidence." Karen comments, bemused. "Looks like we're both fighting in someone else's place."

Nataku comes to a decision. "I will now kill you." He sends fabric tendrils to slice her. Karen jumps away, but her skirt is shredded.

"Darn it! That was a Versace!" Karen throws fire at him. "Knock it off or I'll kill you."

Nataku shrugs. "I don't care." He falls to the ground, singed, as one of Karen's fireballs hits him.

Karen walks up to the prone boy and squats by his side. "Ah, poor kid. You look like a lost and lonely child, just like I used to be. I thought I was an evil demon until a kindly priest set me straight. Through his love and understanding I came to believe in myself." She pats him on the head like a puppy. "I will now bond with you."

Yuto arrives and sends a blast of water that thrusts Karen away from Nataku. "Hey! Break it up there! No bonding allowed!"

Karen sighs. "Oh great, a water demon. First my dress gets ruined and now my hair and makeup are drenched."

Yuto revolves a mass of water around his hand. "Oh please, a beauty like you doesn't need any makeup."

Karen preens happily. "Do you really think so? You're not so bad looking yourself."

"Thanks, but could we get back to trying to kill each other now?" Yuto traps Karen in a column of water, so she begins to drown. "Ah, now you look even prettier. Like a crimson flower stuck under water."

Seiichiro arrives, and sends a blast of wind at the water column, releasing Karen from it. "Let her go!"

"O.K. I have to go tend to Nataku anyhow." Yuto leaps away.

Karen rushes over. "Seiichiro! I thought I drugged you. How did you wake up?"

Seiichiro answers. "I stabbed myself with a fruit knife. There's nothing like a little pain to really focus one's attention, but now I'm going to take a little nap." He falls, unconscious, into Karen's lap.

Karen sighs. "Why is it I always seem to put men to sleep?"

PART THREE: The kitchen of the CLAMP school.

Yuzuriha squeals in excitement. "Yea! Cooking with Sorata! Could you get the lid off the pickle jar for me?" She bends down and picks up her spirit puppy. "Inuki-puppy wants to help too!"

"In a minute." Sorata promises indulgently. "I have to put my arms around Arashi for a second so I can show her how to chop onions."

Arashi glares. "Wouldn't it make more sense to stand by my side and have me WATCH to see how to chop the onions?"

"Yes, but then we wouldn't have a bonding moment where you soften towards me."

Arashi stares, unsoftened.

Later, after dinner, the group visits Hinoto in her shrine under the Japanese Diet building.

Hinoto greets them, and says, "Yuzuriha, is that your new puppy?"

"Yes!" Yuzuriha holds the puppy out toward Hinoto. The dog takes one sniff and bursts into furious barking. "Yipes! Bad Inuki! No barking at princesses. Sorry! I'll just go take him for a little spirit dog potty break."

Kamui steps forward. "You called us here to talk, not play with animals, so spill it."

Hinoto nods. "I had another dream. The Dragons of Earth will strike at two places, the Ginza Strip where they will cause a vast earthquake, and in Inogashira. You must therefore split up into two groups and protect both places."

Kamui shrugs. "Whatever."

Sorata smiles happily, pleased that he has something to do. "Great! Kamui and I will take the Ginza Strip, and you girls go to Inogashira."

Later, on a bridge in Inogashira, Yuzuriha and Arashi chat.

"Arashi, you've got a crush on Sorata don't you?"

Arashi turns pink. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Yuzuriha points at her. "You're blushing! Arashi's sweet on Sorata! Arashi's sweet on Sorata!"

Arashi turns even pinker. "I...I..."

"It's OK, I'm stuck on someone too. He's tall, dark, handsome, and dreamy. Since we both like someone, let's have a slumber party and braid each other's hair and talk about boys!"

Fuma shows up and attacks them with pink lightning bolts.

From across the city, in the Ginza Strip, Kamui and Sorata eye the play of light.

"Looks like a Dragon of Earth showed up in Inogashira to attack the girls." Kamui observes.

Sorata jumps. "Omigosh! I have to go protect Arashi." He begins to run down the street.

Hinoto appears in a huge bird-like spirit form in front of him, blocking his exit. "Wait! Sorata, you and Kamui must stay here in Ginza to protect the innocent civilians from the earthquake. There's going to be a big one in just a few minutes." She disappears in a burst of light.

Sorata wrings his hands. "Dang it! How am I supposed to impress Arashi if I just let her get her butt kicked while I hang out here and do nothing? I know! I'll send a spirit form of myself to save her!" He begins to mutter a spell.

"Sorata..." Kamui begins to speak, then stops when he sees a scrap of paper on the floor where Hinoto disappeared. "Littering? I am Kamui, the new and improved version. I will now pick up the trash. Hmm. Interesting trash."

Back at Inogashira, Fuma knocks Yuzuriha unconscious and throws Arashi across the parking lot. He walks over to her and steps on the back of her neck.

Fuma chortles. "I am the nasty Dragon of Heaven. I also know how to grant wishes, and I'm really good at manipulating people, the same way I used to manipulate the ball at my basketball games. Every useful skill I know about bringing about the end of the world as we know it came from basketball. By the way, you're going to kill Sorata. You know, the guy who said he'd die for you?" He jumps back and hurls a huge chunk of concrete at her.

Arashi stiffens, waiting for an impact that never comes. The concrete is intercepted with a huge wheel shaped spell, which pulverizes it.

Undaunted, Fuma continues. "Yep, the big goofball's gonna die and it will be all your fault." He hurls another chunk of concrete – this time part of a bridge – at her, which is also pulverized.

Arashi cries out, "I will now believe you, even though you are the only one I know who is actively trying to kill Sorata, and place all the guilt of his eventual death on myself."

"I guess my work here is done." Fuma smiles happily, and leaves.

Meanwhile, back in the Ginza Strip...

Sorata lays on the ground, covered in cuts. "Arrgh! Stopping concrete really hurts!"

Kamui kneels beside him. "Sorata. Hang on. Instead of calling for an ambulance, I will now hold you until Miss Arashi gets here so that you can have a touching reunion."

Later at the CLAMP mansion, Sorata recuperates in bed. He wakes up to find Arashi at his side.

Sorata: "Hey, Missy!" He tries to move his right arm and finds it won't move properly.

Arashi's eyes fill with tears. "You're wounded and it's all my fault."

Sorata sits up in dismay. "Hey! Don't cry! I'm not crying and I'm the one who's hurt! I know. Think about food. That always makes me feel better. We can chop some more onions together."

Arashi sobs harder.

"Oh, right, crying and onions go together. Hmm." Sorata thinks for a moment. "I know! I'll cook for you. What do you like? How about Seafood Spaghetti?

Arashi continues to cry.

"What about Japanese food? Teriyaki?"

Arashi cries some more.

"Paella? I make a really good paella!" offers Sorata, desperate now.

Arashi gulps and talks through her sobs. "Will you please shut up about the food already!? I'm trying to show you that I love you."

"Huh?"

"Kiss me you big dummy!" Arashi grabs him in a lip lock.

PART FOUR: Evening. A fountain in the middle of a park in Tokyo. Satsuki (sans Beast) waits for Yuto. He arrives on foot.

Yuto stops in front of her. "Hi Satsuki. Sorry I'm late. Like my cool watch?" He brandishes a wristwatch with an oversized mouse cartoon character.

Satsuki blinks.

Yuto pauses, a little nonplussed by her lack of response. "Here!" He takes the wristwatch off his arm and fastens it on hers. "It's yours. Beautiful night, isn't it?"

Satsuki contemplates the watch as she responds. "The idea of beauty is illogical. Soon all Tokyo will be in ruins, then the rest of the world and after that nearly every living being will be eradicated from the face of the earth."

Yuto beams. "That's what I love about you, Satsuki. Always seeing the bright side."

"When you, along with everyone else on the planet, die, will there be anyone to mourn your passing?" asks Satsuki, emotionlessly.

"Er...Let's talk of more pleasant things. Dinner?" He places his arm around Satsuki's shoulders and leads her away from the fountain.

Back at Kanoe's lair, Beast, the large machine, watches the couple on a monitor, and growls.

PART FIVE: A Tokyo subway station. Karen follows Yuto as he leaves work and steps onto a train.

Karen mutters to herself as she shadows the civil servant. "I know I promised Mr. Seiichiro that I wouldn't try to fight Yuto again on my own, but darn it, he's just such a nice guy. Nice guys who stay married (unless they have to temporarily divorce their wives to protect them) are rare and must be protected at all costs. I will sneak up on Yuto and challenge him to a duel. I'm sure he won't notice me, even though he's met me before, thinks I'm a knockout, and I'm wearing a bright red dress."

Yuto notices Karen and easily loses her by stepping onto a train just as the doors are closing. He glances around the train and sees Seiichiro, engrossed in a newspaper.

Yuto ambles over and sits down next to Seiichiro. "Fancy meeting you here."

Seiichiro looks up inquiringly, and puts aside his newspaper. "Wow, what an amazing coincidence. There seems to be a lot of them going around."

"So, how's work?"

Seiichiro answers politely, "Fine, but hectic. A researcher's life is a lot of work."

"Tell me about it." Yuto says with a sigh. "A civil servant's life isn't much easier. Shuffling all those papers..."

Seiichiro glances at him. "So, you want to hang out?"

Yuto shakes his head. "Sorry, I'm on my way to our top secret Dragons of Earth lair. If I told you where it was I'd have to kill you."

Seiichiro nods. "Say no more, I understand completely. So, now that we've had a pleasant chat, want to have a go at killing each other?"

Yuto shrugs. "Sure, why not?"

They exit the train and end up by the fountain where Satsuki met Yuto earlier.

Satsuki caresses the watch Yuto gave her as she sits in her machine, connected to it by cables. "Beast! Show me where Yuto is."

Yuto and Seiichiro appear on her monitor, fighting inside a barrier field. Seiichiro dodges Yuto's water blast, then takes out the building Yuto is standing on with a wind blast.

Yuto jumps free to the top of another building. "Darn it. You ripped my coat."

Seiichiro prepares to pitch another wind blast at him. "Don't worry, where you're going you won't be needing one. I hear it's rather hot down there."

Still ensconced in her machine, Beast, Satsuki watches the blow by blow. "Beast! We must help Yuto. Send cables. Send lots of cables, and...Ow! Knock that off!" She pushes at a cable that nipped her. Meanwhile, a huge amount of cables reach out from a nearby building and shove Seiichiro through the roof of the building he's standing on.

Yuto saunters over to the edge where Seiichiro is dangling from the cables, and prepares to throw a swirling ball shaped mass of water. "Well, well. Looks like you're an easy kill."

Karen shows up at the edge of the building and zaps the water ball in Yuto's hand with a fire blast. "Not so fast. You're supposed to fight me!"

Yuto grins, ingratiatingly. "Sure, just let me kill him first, then I'll kill you and everyone will be happy."

"Stop it, you monster!" cries Karen.

"Why? Are you in love with him?" asks Yuto inquiringly then begins to chant in a singsong voice, "Karen loves Seiichiro, Karen loves Seiichiro." As he leaps up.

Karen jumps into the air, following him. "Not at all. I'm fighting you because of a grain of wheat."

Yuto lands gracefully as both miss connecting with each other midair. "Come again?"

"You know...a grain of wheat remains one unless it dies, but if it dies it bears much fruit."

Yuto pauses the fight and stares. "We're fighting a duel to the death and you're talking AGRICULTURE?!?"

Karen puts her hands on her hips, exasperated. "It's a line from the Bible, you ignorant boob! It's a metaphor for the rewards of self-sacrifice, and....oh skip it!" She engulfs him in flames. "Just try not to notice the irony, OK?"

"Arrgh!" cries Yuto, beginning to brown crisply around the edges like toast.

Meanwhile, Satsuki begins to panic. "Beast! Beast! You must help Yuto! He gave me this cool watch and....Ack!" More cables connect themselves to Satsuki and make slurping noises. Satsuki collapses, drained.

From the depths of the machine known as beast comes a noise - "Burp!"

Meanwhile, Yuto disappears in the flames, only to reconstitute himself out of a water puddle as Karen, distracted, runs to the edge of the hole, calling out for Seiichiro.

Yuto runs up from behind Karen, and placing a knife to her throat. "Aha, I've got you now, my pretty. Wait a minute. Slashing your throat would be messy and you wouldn't be pretty anymore. I'll have to drown you instead."

Karen reels, as she gets engulfed in a column of water. "Not in this lifetime, waterboy." Grabbing her cross in one hand, she blasts herself and Yuto in one shot.

Seiichiro pulls loose from the cables and runs to Karen's limp body, gathering her prone form in his arms and bending his head down close to her. "Karen! You're wonderful."

Karen glances at him fondly. "I'm so glad I was able to protect you. Mission accomplished. I think I'll die now." She dies.

Yuto lies dying by the fountain. "Well, all that and now I have to miss tea with Kanoe and Satsuki. That's the last time I use the Tokyo subway system!" He too keels over and dies.

"What's with all this death? Every time I turn around someone else gets dead!" exclaims Seiichiro.

Meanwhile, the super computer, Beast watches from Kanoe's lair. "Shocking, these modern youngsters. It's all that rap music and those violent movies I've been monitoring, I'm sure." He burps and spits out a watch with a cartoon mouse on it. "Pardon me!"

END CHAPTER FOUR

Will this parody ever end? Do you want to read the end? Then please review!