Disclaimer: I don't own the occupants of the Far Star. However, I think I can fairly claim a share of ownership of the deranged onboard computer.
A/N: Sorry this took so long to post. I loved summer…I actually had time to write…and somehow I still didn't manage to update this. Anyway, will someone please review this? It doesn't have to be much, just "this is so weird, what are you smoking?" Well, no, not quite like that, but I like to know if people are reading my stuff. Plus I like this idea, weird as it is.
MintyPill: Thank you, thank you, thank you! A reviewer! Yay!…Oh, and you should definitely reread the last two books. Always worth another reading. Or at least Foundation's Edge is.
biggstrek: Thanks. Yeah, it is a weird slant, but if you ask me the Foundation universe can always use more weird slants. Makes it more interesting. Hopefully this one's weird enough…darn thing took long enough to finish…
Boredom
"You what?"
Trevize sighed inwardly and steeled himself to explain to Bliss in words that wouldn't get him killed on the spot. "Not me, the computer," he said patiently. "It must have done it on its own."
"Right," Bliss said skeptically. She was sitting on the couch—where else?—and busily shoveling down the remains of some poor squid. She took a break every ten seconds or so to breathe and glare at Trevize.
"Now, Bliss." Pelorat was doing his best to keep peace between the two, but it wasn't working. "I'm sure that if Golan says he didn't mean to do it, he's telling the truth." She didn't look convinced.
Willing himself not to clench his fists too obviously, Trevize began pacing around the room. "It won't let me change course—apparently it's convinced that it knows what's best for us." He was never going to live this down. He should have known! The computer had lulled him into a false sense of security and then, when he least expected it, it had struck.
Bliss licked her fingers daintily. Trevize winced. "Okay, let me get this straight. Our ship—"
"My ship," Trevize corrected.
"The ship in which we currently reside has changed its course and is now taking us to parts unknown against our will. Am I right so far?"
Trevize shrugged. "Basically, yes." He knew this was building up to a very unpleasant conclusion, but he couldn't stop her.
"And this has occurred because you decided you needed new sashes." She glowered at him and speared another chunk of something vaguely tentacular. He shuddered.
"Well, it's not quite like that, if you'd just listen to me—" he protested, but she cut him off.
"Don't try to tell me this isn't your fault, Trevize! Oh, if only Pel had listened to me and left you behind with Daneel…"
"But it's not my fa—" Trevize started. She glared at him and he shut his mouth abruptly, suddenly afraid of what might happen if he crossed her in this mood. Dealing with Bliss was a tricky business at the best of times, not to mention minor crises like this.
Pelorat blinked. "I don't see what all the fuss is about," he said plaintively.
Bliss turned to him. "What do you mean, Pel?" she asked in a much gentler tone. "This moron has managed to put us on autopilot to who knows where!"
"But what's so bad about it really?" Pelorat asked earnestly. "I mean, shopping isn't a bad thing. I don't know about malls on other worlds—"
"They're much the same as any you would find on Terminus, Janov," Trevize put in. "I assure you, the same stores are all over the galaxy."
Pelorat nodded. "Then why not just enjoy the trip? I've run across some delightful bookstores in my time. And we didn't really have a set itinerary anyway, you know." He smiled, a faraway look in his eyes. "There are some truly heavenly bookstores out there…"
"And there's a food court for you, Bliss," Trevize muttered under his breath. "You can eat seafood to your piggy little heart's content." Bliss gave him a sharp look, but he widened his beautiful brown eyes innocently and she turned away with a snort.
True to form, Pelorat hadn't noticed this. "It's settled, then?" he asked hopefully. "We'll make a proper shopping trip of it?"
Bliss just managed not to roll her eyes, no doubt not wishing to hurt Pelorat's feelings. "Of course, dear," she said. "If that's what you want." She shot Trevize a look of pure venom.
"Good, good," said Trevize, rubbing his hands together. "Not much to do except wait, then, is there?" He thought about what he had just said. Suddenly, the prospect of spending several days trapped in the same ship as Bliss with absolutely nothing to do seemed very bleak indeed…
Two days later, the prospect was considerably bleaker. Trevize sighed for what felt like the millionth time, shifted position in his chair, and ran his hand through his hair.
"Go fish," he said dully.
Bliss scowled at him. "Are you sure?" she demanded.
Trevize ground his teeth a little. "Yes," he said firmly, shoving the draw pile toward her for emphasis. Bliss took a card with bad grace.
"My turn!" Pelorat cried, oblivious to the building hostility between the other two. "Let me see now…" He looked at his hand. Trevize tried to ignore the fact that he could clearly see every one of Pelorat's cards.
"Aha," Pelorat said happily. "Golan, do you have any fives?"
Trevize had three fives, which he had been planning to use on his next turn. Wordlessly, he handed them over to Pelorat, who beamed.
"I'm having astounding luck this round, wouldn't you agree, Golan?"
"Very much so," said Trevize, giving Pelorat one of his few remaining smiles. He wasn't sure what he would do when he ran out. "Simply unbelievable."
Pelorat smiled back and rubbed his hands together, a feat which he somehow accomplished while still holding his cards. "Ah…hmm…Bliss, my dear, do you have any tens?"
Bliss sighed and handed him a pair. "This is so exciting!" Pelorat gushed as he added them to his hand. "I'm so glad we're going on this little adventure. Gives us a little bonding time, eh?"
When he looked away for a second, Bliss gave Trevize a look that said quite clearly that she would bond her fist to his jaw if she thought she could get away with it. Trevize was all too familiar with the sentiment.
"Well?" he asked. "Shall we just give up now, Janov? We all know you're going to win. Again," he added.
Pelorat looked a little embarrassed. "Oh, my dear chap, don't—really, I mean—with the laws of probability and all, I'm bound to lose eventually…"
"Probability seems to have taken a week off," Trevize muttered. "What's the probability of my ship deciding to take me on a shopping trip without my permission?" It made him feel like a five-year-old again, with his mother dragging him off to department stores he hated to buy him ugly clothes he didn't want. The memory did not improve his temper.
A thought occurred to him. "I just thought of something," he said aloud. "I think—"
"We should switch to another game?" Pelorat interrupted. "Oh, yes, capital idea, simply wonderful. Well, what'll it be? I'm rather partial to gin rummy, myself." He looked expectantly at Trevize.
"No, no, nothing like that," Trevize said a little impatiently. "I was just thinking that perhaps we ought to find out where we're actually going."
Both Pelorat and Bliss blinked at him for a few seconds. "I thought we already knew that," Pelorat said at last. "We're going to a shopping center."
"Yes," Trevize continued, "but on which planet? Which sector, even? I simply haven't checked our destination yet."
Bliss frowned. "I'm surprised at you, Trevize. Even you're not usually this idiotic." He stuck his tongue out at her when Pelorat wasn't looking. Who was she to talk about idiocy?
"Well," he said hastily, recognizing a golden opportunity, "I'd better go check that, hadn't I?" He stood up. "You'll just have to finish without me."
Pelorat looked up in consternation. "But we can't play Go Fish properly with only two people!" Trevize ignored this and fled the room.
Once he reached his bedroom, Trevize closed the door and leaned against it in relief. If he stalled enough, it could be as long as thirty minutes before he would have to look at another hand of cards again. And if there was one thing he had learned how to do well as a councilman, it was stalling.
"All righty then," he murmured to himself, sitting down at the computer and placing his hands on the surface of the desk. "Time to get down to business." He simply thought his question into the computer: What is our destination?
Neotrantor. Hmmm. Not a bad place, as planets went. Good restaurants, good entertainment, apparently good malls. All in all, it looked like this might shape up to be a fairly enjoyable trip. If he could make Bliss shut up.
Now for the stalling. It would be pathetically easy, really, since Janov was so trusting—just sit in his room for a while enjoying the peace and quiet. Trevize proceeded to do so, occasionally pounding something and shouting, "Aargh! Stupid computer!" so as to be more convincing. It was extremely relaxing. After a while, Trevize mentally substituted "Bliss" for "computer".
He wondered idly how Pelorat and Bliss were faring without a third player. Suddenly, he sat up straighter, guilt filling him. How could he have been so inconsiderate as to leave Janov alone with that card shark? He could picture Pelorat, who despite his luck had never had much of a poker face, losing hand after hand after hand…
Reluctantly, Trevize accepted that it was his duty as a friend to suffer by Janov's side. In love he might be, but Trevize doubted even that would protect him from Bliss if they were playing cards. Nothing was adequate protection against Bliss.
With a sigh, he stood up and cast a longing glance at the computer. It would be so easy to barricade himself in his room for the rest of the trip…so easy…But he had to do what was right. Resolutely, he closed the door behind him and returned to the parlor.
"Anyone for a hand of poker?" he asked.
After another day of constant card games, Trevize felt like the survivor of one of those ancient barbaric nuclear wars. Who knew Janov liked Go Fish that much? Or was that good at it…if they had been playing for money, Janov would have been rich and Trevize broke.
His only comforting thought was that they had reached Neotrantor after what seemed like an eternity. From here things could only go up.
Or so he hoped.
"Seafood supplies are running low," Bliss announced over breakfast. "I'll have to resort to tofu substitute soon at this rate." She smiled. "Good thing we're going shopping, isn't it?"
Trevize knew his smile was not at all convincing. He wasn't in the mood to cater to Bliss's immature fixation with shellfish. "Very good thing," he said. "Smashing." Bliss smiled sweetly and kicked him hard under the table. Trevize winced.
"Are we there yet?" Pelorat asked excitedly, beaming at both of them. "Are we, Golan?"
"Not quite yet, Janov," Trevize said tolerantly. "We still have to make planetfall. Speaking of, I'd better go supervise the computer during the descent." Hastily, he pushed his chair back and excused himself, glad for any excuse to leave the room.
Once they had landed without any major mishaps, Trevize quickly threw a few hundred credits and a change of clothing into a bag. Maybe he could sneak away without being stopped and come back after he had spent some relaxing time alone. Somewhere relatively quiet and peaceful—say, a mosh pit or a crowded holo theater. Anything was better than the Far Star.
Trevize ran into Pelorat on his way out. "Oh, my dear fellow," Pelorat said happily, attempting to shake Trevize's hand. "We're here at last! I do congratulate you on a superb bit of navigating."
Realizing that this could lead to a long conversation, Trevize desperately cast about for a way to escape. "Look over there!" he exclaimed, pointing behind Pelorat. " 'Gullible' is written on the ceiling!"
"Where?" Pelorat asked, turning to look. With a momentary twinge of remorse, Trevize brushed past him and sprinted for the airlock. No irate Bliss appeared to block his way, and he burst out into the spaceport with a wild laugh of exultation.
He was free.
A/N: Um, wow, haven't updated in a long time, have I? November I'll be doing the National Novel Writing Month thing, so I probably won't update then. Unless I have a bunch of spare time over Thanksgiving…my grandmother's coming for Christmas instead, so I probably will. I'm currently reading Psychohistorical Crisis by Donald Kingsbury—great book. Oh, and if you have Yahoo and you'd like to join an Asimov group, mine is called ZoranelinExile (that's "Zoranel in Exile" with underscores between the words, stupid formatting...!). I would give you a link, but I've had trouble with them before. You should be able to find it…pleeeaase…I need members…Review and I'll try to update sometime before the next century!