From the day he came to Stars Hollow Jess Mariano was my best friend. It was just natural, we both loved to read; we loved to argue and debate about books. Everything was perfect, that is until the summer of 1994 when I was ten.
I remember the day it started like it was yesterday. I remember everything that happened between Jess and I that well, but that day, those summer months nearly destroyed our perfect connection.
Jess and I were reading our respective favorite authors, me Ayn Rand, and him, Ernest Hemingway. We were engaged in one of our good natured squabbles about the quirkiness of Ayn Rand's creative flair. The conversation turned to the play On the Night of January 16th, a production SHHS put on the year before, I had dragged Jess to that play every day it ran, and he gladly attended. Of course he had said it was because were using the play as a pretext to get my mother and his Uncle Luke back together, but I like to believe he secretly enjoyed it.
I had just mentioned that very fact when Jess stopped mid-comment about being afraid he'd have to do something, he never said what. I was curious about what he meant so I prompted him to finish his thought.
"What?" I asked. "Afraid you'd have to..."
"Oh nothing," Jess answered but he seemed far away as if his body was there but his mind was not. "Finish your book. I'll be right back."
Jess earmarked his page, a practice he loathed and started walking towards the path that led to town. Something was off, something was really bugging him. I could tell. I could read Jess faster than the morning paper.
Normally, I'd be upset to be left alone, but Jess had promised he'd be right back and Jess kepy his promises, at least he always had in the past.
That was a philosophy I'd rethink by the end of the day.
I waited for Jess for nearly four hours until it was nearly suppertime. Something must have happened to him. He'd never not come back for me, so something horrible must have happened.
I ran through the wooded area towards the rear entrance to the Independence Inn where my mom was manager. The rear entrance would take me into the kitchen so Sookie, the best cook in the entire world, was first to see my fretful expression.
"Rory, what's the matter, Sweetie?" she asked.
"Jess went to look at something and left me at the bridge, but that was four hours ago," I spurted out of breath from running. "I have to find my mom, something must have happened to him."
Sookie's features were sympathetic, she must have realized what happened before it dawned on me. "Rory, I saw Jess walking toward Cherry Street with a girl not too long ago. He's fine," she assured me, not aware of what she had done.
Jess may have been fine, but with that new information, I sure wasn't. I headed to our house a sad little girl.
My mom was all ready there when I got home. She and Luke were in the kitchen arguing about what else these days, coffee and pregnancy.
"Lorelai," I heard him say, "we agreed to two cups a day to avoid the headaches. This would be your third cup.
"Hey, Mom. Hey Luke," I smiled but my heart wasn't in it.
"Hey, Sweetie," Mom greeted. "What's wrong? Where's Jess?"
"I don't care," I grumbled and went into my room.
"Hmm, what's with her?" Luke asked.
"I'll find out," I heard my Mom say.
Mom knocked on my door. "Rory, Sweetie, Jess and you argue?"
"No," I snapped. "Jess wasn't there to argue with. He left. Sookie saw him on Cherry Street with someone else. He just left me at the bridge," I told her.
"Oh, Sweetie," Mom sympathized. "It was an accident, I'm sure."
"Whatever," I grumped. "Just let me know when dinner's ready."
Mom knew when to leave me alone, she knew when I needed to be on my own and I loved that about our relationship. Someone else would never understand that, no one else but Jess.
I was not stupid at ten years old; I knew what was happening here. Jess was getting tired of me, he wasn't interested in being my best friend anymore. And that thought really hurt.
About half hour later, I heard Jess call out his presence at the house.
"Bust him?" I heard Luke suggest.
"Yeah," Mom agreed.
I couldn't hear what was said between Mom, Luke, and Jess but soon I heard Jess' voice outside my room. "Rory, it's Jess," I heard. His voice sounded hesitant a sign of his remorse. Jess hated having to apologize for anything. "Open the door," he requested.
I didn't I was still far too hurt to face him, hurt and embarrassed that I'd thought he cared about me.
"Rory!" his voice came again. "Rory, I'm sorry. Open the door, please."
Still I did not, but not because I couldn't face him, because I didn't want to show him my tears.
Once I successfully halted their flow I opened the door I know by Jess' expression I'd not erased their evidence. No use in the high road now. "You left me at the bridge!" I shouted at him. "I didn't know what happened to you. I thought..."
Jess halted any further assault by pulling me into a hug. I always loved Jess' hugs. I felt secure in his arms, protected, loved, and safe. Now was no different. As he moved moved his fingers through my hair he apologized, "Rory, I'm so sorry. I just got sidetracked. There's no excuse. I screwed up and I'm sorry."
That last part of his apology was lost on me. My mind was focused on a word that came earlier on. Sidetracked. He was sidetracked. I had to call him on that. "You said you were sidetracked?"
Jess looked uncomfortable at the question. He didn't want to explain to me why he was "sidetracked." Jess didn't want to lie to me, I would know anyway. Jess as a bad liar. "Yeah, there's..." he began and for a moment his cheeks reddened as if he was contemplating lying but he didn't. "There's this new girl in town and I was showing her around. I just..."
That solidified it for me, I was obsolete. Jess had replaced me with someone else, someone smarter, prettier, probably older and he had forgotten about me. I was overwhelmed by that. I was very angry and hurt by that. I sought an outlet for my anger.
"Forgot about me! You forgot about me!" I shouted at him daring him to deny the truth in that statement.
"I'm sorry, Rory!" Jess snapped at me. "What right did he have to snap at me?" I wondered.
"So what, you have a girlfriend now so you can forget all about me?" I shouted and I rarely shout. I'm not a reactionary person, but the circumstances, my jealousy, Jess' attitude were making me unreasonable.
"No, Rory," he replied. "God, you're acting like a spoiled..."
I knew what Jess wanted to say. He was angry at my tantrums at my outburst but he wouldn't resort to losing his temper. Instead he tried to reason again albeit unsuccessfully. "Look, Rory, did you think I'd never have anyone else to hang out with? I like hanging out with you, you're a cool kid, but I'm a man now. I'm going to have a life. I can't spend all my time hanging out with a sixth grader."
Truthfully, I lost Jess around the "I'm a man now" remark. A man? He was thirteen, far from my conception of a man. Luke was a man, my Dad was for all intents and purposes was a man. Jess, no way. I tuned back in just in time to hear him declare he couldn't spend his time with a sixth grader.
My face stung as if he slapped me then. That was all I was to him, a time filler. He had something better so screw all our history, all his promised of friendship that was all gone now. Looking back I see how irrational those ideas were, but at the time I was too angry to think clearly. I was to angry to have him near me. I was too angry to have anything he gave me near me. I wanted him out, I wanted it all out.
"Get out of my room, Jess!" I shouted picking up Colonel Clucker, the stuffed bird Jess gave me for my first birthday with him here and throwing it at him. I quickly followed that with my Mother Goose first edition he gave me for Primary graduation. Following that, The Old Man and The Sea.
All the while, I shouted at him, ordering him out, calling him names, doing anything to hurt him as he hurt me.
"God Rory, grow up!" Jess yelled at me as he tried to dodge the various items I was throwing.
I don't know how long I did this or if any of the objects made a connection because before I knew it Mom and Luke came in to end our battle. "Rory! Jess! TO your corners," Mom commanded.
The fight going out of me, I sunk down on the bed my arms across my chest. Jess stayed near the door.
"What's going on in here?" Luke demanded angry at the mess.
"Jess left me at the bridge," I shouted for justification.
"I said I was sorry about that," he replied. "But she's acting like a little brat."
"Hey!" Luke reprimanded. "No name calling is still a rule in this house. Use your words."
"I could use words to describe her all right!" Jess snapped. "Snotty, spoiled, selfish, bit..."
Jess was stopped by Luke's hand before he could get out the rest of the insult.
"Okay, that's it," Mom said. "Jess upstairs to your room now. Wait for me. Rory, wash your face and wait for Luke in our room."
Whenever Jess and I would have a disagreement, Mom and Luke would separate us and talk to us individually. Usually either to avoid favoritism or because Mom just reached Jess better she usually talked to him while Luke talked to me.
I went up to their bedroom and waited on the big bed after I washed my face, not that it did anything to stop my tears.
Jess had forgotten all about me, he didn't even care about that. I was right I had every right to be angry at Jess, and he had yelled at me! Incredible!
Luke knocked before h can inside then entered with a book I'll label as stern sympathy. He was not happy with my temper outburst, but he understood it.
"Hey Luke," I sniffed studying the pattern on my mom's bedspread.
Luke sat down next to me and opened his arms for me to crawl into. Luke was the closest thing I had to a father. I called him Dad until I was five when I met my actual biological father. He wanted to play a stronger part of my life and for a while he was but I'm off the subject.
Luke held me close a few minutes then moved me aside to sit beside him. "Talk to me," he commanded. "Explain you behavior downstairs."
I couldn't. My behavior that little temper tantrum had no explanation other than anger and as much as I hate to admit it, jealousy.
"I don't know," I said. "I was just... he called me a sixth grader."
"You are a sixth grader," Luke countered.
"And he forgot me," I justified. "He went off with Little Miss Tra la la and forgot all about me."
"He did apologize for that," Luke reminded me.
"But he didn't mean it. He also said he...he said I was spoiled and that..." I couldn't finish defending my behavior or my rationale. I reacted like baby like the child Jess reminded me I was. He shouldn't want to spend time with me.
"Rory," Luke's voice pulled me back. "Please I can't try and understand what happened if you don't tell me."
"Jess left me alone at the bride and went off that new girl," I sighed. "I guess I really felt...He really hurts my feelings. It was like I wasn't important anymore."
Recognition flashed on Luke's face. He understood the fear and anger at the feeling or being replace. Granted he had more at risk, more time invested in his marriage to Lorelai than Rory had in her "friendship" with Jess, but either way that rejection real or imagined hurt.
"Oh, Rory. Jess is growing up, Sweetie. Jess is three years older than you," Luke began. "At five or six or eight that isn't a big difference, but at thirteen..." Luke sighed and began again. "When a boy turns thirteen, as he begins to become a young man he becomes interested in other things, new things...Rory was Jess spending time with a girl today? A girl other than you?"
Luke's question brought back the pain of the rejection. My eyes misted as I nodded. "He told me he was and that's why he forgot me."
Luke nodded. "Rory teenage boys' date. They want to spend time with teenage girls and Jess is coming to an age where he's going to spend time with girls."
"He can spend time with me," I said. If he wanted to spend time with girls why wasn't I good enough? I asked Luke that question and he looked uncomfortable.
"Rory, Jess is going to want to spend time with girls his age and do things teenagers do," Luke said. "And if you want to be able to spend time with Jess even if it's not as much time, you have to respect that. You really have to respect that," Luke said firmly. "You can't get upset at Jess for doing what is natural for him to do."
Luke was confusing but talking was not a strong suit of his, he was better at comforting. Still, I understood his message.
Jess was growing up, he wanted to date and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't do a darn thing about it, it was the natural order of things.
"So, he can just forget about me?" I asked my tears falling. "I'm just finished."
Luke pulled me back onto his lap again. "No, Kiddo. You're not finished and Jess made a mistake today. He forgot you. He didn't forget about you," he explained. "What he did at the bridge today was wrong and his way of dealing with the situation wasn't the best, but he is sorry. You," he pulled my nose, "know he is."
I giggled at the old affectionate gesture that was private for Luke and me. "I know."
"So, Rory, you have to cut him some slack, huh? You and Jess are always going to have each other, no matter how many girlfriends kissed my brow. "Now you owe Jess an apology for throwing that tantrum and you need to tell him why you were upset. Maybe you can sit aside a day to be together to avoid another mess like the one downstairs," Luke suggested setting me on the ground.
Quickly I hugged Luke and went to find Jess. Mom had finished talking to him a few minutes ago.
He came to me and pulled me into a tight hug as we both apologized for our part in the days dramatics.
Jess and I set aside Sunday and Wednesday as out "reading" days, but soon his girlfriend started to intrude on those. At first we rescheduled or they included me, but the situation disintegrated as the summer wore on.
Eventually it got to a point where Jess and I would barely speak to each other unless the comment was hurtful. Mom and Luke saw little use in remedying the situation so they stopped trying. Those very long three months became known as the Gilmore – Mariano War of 1994.
Looking back I can say that I didn't like jess much that summer, in fact I hated him. I can also testify to the delicate line between love and hate because even through all of that Hell. I still loved him.